I feel embaressed to be opening up like this but I really value the advice given on this forum and I’d just like a bit of advice and help on this if thats ok.
I am falling deeply deep into despair and I’m ashamed to admit this but I have started to lose all hope that God will help me and my family in our trial. Our trial is quite literally a real trial for me and my husband are in court enduring a complete injustice. God knows we are telling the truth but we are facing alot of lies from the other side and they are making our lives a living hell. Sorry I can’t go into details of the nature of the injustice at the moment.
In this trial I found Faith, i feel also God taught me that everybody at one stage or another has crosses to carry in this life and I really endeavour to pray for others daily, believing and trusting God will help them…but I don’t seem to apply the same trust with our situaton anymore. I get terribly fear filled thoughts that will not leave me that God won’t help us, that we are abandoned to some degree. This fear really clutches at me.
I really wish I wasn’t struggling and I think I’m sinning by despairing but still I do it! I know it’s wrong too but my fear is overtaking my faith as are my doubts that God loves us and wants to help us.
At Easter I had my eyes opened to our Lord Jesus in such a profound way, the absolute love I felt for Him was astounding. I also had my eyes opened in a big way to the suffering He faced on the Cross, for us, out of complete love. He understands true suffering.
Through our trial I have been believing Jesus is with us, but now I feel shame in admitting this, but I am thinking He won’t help us, and horrifyingly I get these awful thoughts come in that maybe He doesn’t love me. I know thats ridiculous. But the lies and attacks we face make me feel abandoned. God is a God of truth and justice so why are they so far being allowed to get away with lieing about us.
I fear I’m losing Jesus. There will be days when I feel close to Him and feel His peace and his love. And in prayer or when praying the Rosary or the Way of the Cross it is like He is beside me. At these times I feel my Faith is strong and can never be weakened and I thank God over and over again…But then out of nowhere, due to the attacks we are facing, my faith comes crashing down. And due to these constant attacks from our situation I have lost hope and trust.
I have spoken to our priest. He is such a dear man and I am so grateful to God for placing him on our path. He knows of our trial and he says to some extent the persons whom have taken us to court are very simlar in their nature to that of darkness, but he says God knows whats happening and He is on our side and will help us, it just takes time.
Why has my mind and heart stopped believing in the power of Jesus’ help. I feel everything our dear Father has given me. The absolute love I felt for Jesus, my eyes opened to Faith etc I am throwing back in His face by acting the way I am - but I feel powerless to overcome this! I think Jesus must be ever so disappointed with me. I ask Him to take this feeling of despair away and help me to simply trust in Him but the trust I have isn’t lasting for the worry, fears and hopelessness crowd in and overtake and swamp all the Faith God had given me.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve also prayed asking what on earth is God’s will for our life, after all He speaks through our circumstances, but I feel no answers.
