Desperate for advice

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StGerard1988

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My priest is out of the country and I am desperate for advice. Long story short, my husband of 6 years and I are signed up for a class in which a young man who I was unfaithful with when my husband and I were dating is also signed up. This happened 8 years ago. He knows about the infidelity but My husband doesn’t know that the other person is signed up for the study class. We didn’t even know he went to our church. It’s a large parish. Do I tell my husband or just act surprised? I’m terrified to bring it up with my husband. He’s forgiven me but I don’t want to bring up old grief between us. We are so happy together and we truly feel God meant for us to be together. I hate myself for this sin even though I’ve confessed it, because even though I’ve been forgiven, this sin continues to haunt myself, my husband, and our relationship. Please help. I’m desperate.
 
I think I’d try to find another excuse for you both to pull out of the class. Look for another class you can sell to him as being more suitable or whatever.
 
If you feel that desperate about this situation, I would definitely cancel the class. I would also suggest not saying anything to your husband. This was 8 years ago. Long past and not any reason to feel badly about the past. It is over and gone and you and your husband are a NEW loving couple. I have always thought “the less said,the better!”
 
StGerard1988 said:
My priest is out of the country and I am desperate for advice. Long story short, my husband of 6 years and I are signed up for a class in which a young man who I was unfaithful with when my husband and I were dating is also signed up. This happened 8 years ago. He knows about the infidelity but My husband doesn’t know that the other person is signed up for the study class. We didn’t even know he went to our church. It’s a large parish. Do I tell my husband or just act surprised? I’m terrified to bring it up with my husband. He’s forgiven me but I don’t want to bring up old grief between us. We are so happy together and we truly feel God meant for us to be together. I hate myself for this sin even though I’ve confessed it, because even though I’ve been forgiven, this sin continues to haunt myself, my husband, and our relationship. Please help. I’m desperate.
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I was reading a clip on infidelity from a book, I think, and it suggested one thing in infidelity, admitting to ourselves, first of all, it can happen.

It said not to put ourselves into tempting positions, when possible, to avoid them.

This book recommended being honest with one’s spouse about temptations. Now, I have never had the opportunity to try it, but it suggested this honesty approach rather than other approaches, that it actually helps with trust that the spouse tells when it’s tempting so the other can help avoid situations.

I will put this advice out there as another option. Only you know if it will be best, given only you know your husband.

Weigh the options and then decide.
 
Don’t go to the class, problem solved.

What kind of class is it? A Family Planning class would add an extra layer of awkward.:eek:
 
I mean that it haunts us because just when I think I don’t have to worry about it anymore, I will see him. He knew about the infidelity before we married. We were engaged at the time it happened.

We have been looking forward to this class for weeks as it is being taught by an older parishioner whom we deeply admire and we have already signed up and confirmed that we will be attending. How do I explain this to the teacher, my priest, etc? I confessed this sin to a different priest anonymously so my parish priest has no idea. I don’t think I can come up with a reason to pull out so suddenly. I just don’t want my husband to get angry. This never comes up in arguments anymore, and hasn’t for years, but when we saw him at church one Sunday my husband said he was so angry he almost left.

It just makes me sick to think that this is jeopardizing the new home we have found in this parish.
 
StGerard1988 said:
I mean that it haunts us because just when I think I don’t have to worry about it anymore, I will see him. He knew about the infidelity before we married. We were engaged at the time it happened.

We have been looking forward to this class for weeks as it is being taught by an older parishioner whom we deeply admire and we have already signed up and confirmed that we will be attending. How do I explain this to the teacher, my priest, etc? I confessed this sin to a different priest anonymously so my parish priest has no idea. I don’t think I can come up with a reason to pull out so suddenly. I just don’t want my husband to get angry. This never comes up in arguments anymore, and hasn’t for years, but when we saw him at church one Sunday my husband said he was so angry he almost left.

It just makes me sick to think that this is jeopardizing the new home we have found in this parish.
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Regardless of if you decide to go to the class or not, you need to have a good conversation with your husband about this situation. You both need to be on the same page. I know it is uncomfortable, but dealing with this head on with honesty and maturity will be good for both you and your husband.
Then you can both decide together if you should pull out of the class. Nothing more than “Something came up and we will not be able to attend” need be said.

I know that it seems as if this is a big deal. But really it is not if you handle it maturely and non dramatically.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Regardless of if you decide to go to the class or not, you need to have a good conversation with your husband about this situation. You both need to be on the same page. I know it is uncomfortable, but dealing with this head on with honesty and maturity will be good for both you and your husband.
Then you can both decide together if you should pull out of the class. Nothing more than “Something came up and we will not be able to attend” need be said.

I know that it seems as if this is a big deal. But really it is not if you handle it maturely and non dramatically.
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👍

It seems like it’s time to take the power this situation has over you and deal with it. That’s what the devil does, bring up past sins and rub it in our faces. Bring it into Christ’s light and the accuser will have to bother someone else.

I know, it’s easier said by some anonymous forum person than done.
 
So should I wait until after the class and see what my husband says? I am unable to attend due to illness.

This isn’t a problem due to temptation by any means. I just don’t want my husband to get angry because it’s a deadly sin and I don’t want his soul to be damaged because of my past sins. After this class has started, should I speak with my priest once he returns?
 
StGerard1988 said:
So should I wait until after the class and see what my husband says? I am unable to attend due to illness.

This isn’t a problem due to temptation by any means. I just don’t want my husband to get angry because it’s a deadly sin and I don’t want his soul to be damaged because of my past sins. After this class has started, should I speak with my priest once he returns?
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You need to talk to your husband now. Not after the class, not if he remembers, not if he says something to you first. Now.
If you cannot speak openly to the person you are made one with. Then you have larger problems than a silly class.
🤷

Why are you making this harder than it should be?
 
StGerard1988 said:
I mean that it haunts us because just when I think I don’t have to worry about it anymore, I will see him. He knew about the infidelity before we married. We were engaged at the time it happened.

We have been looking forward to this class for weeks as it is being taught by an older parishioner whom we deeply admire and we have already signed up and confirmed that we will be attending. How do I explain this to the teacher, my priest, etc? I confessed this sin to a different priest anonymously so my parish priest has no idea. I don’t think I can come up with a reason to pull out so suddenly. I just don’t want my husband to get angry. This never comes up in arguments anymore, and hasn’t for years, but when we saw him at church one Sunday my husband said he was so angry he almost left.

It just makes me sick to think that this is jeopardizing the new home we have found in this parish.
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You don’t have to explain to anyone other than your husband. You apologize and say “Some things came up and we can’t attend. Maybe some other time?”
 
First of all, I haven’t thanked everyone for their responses. Knowing I am in your thoughts is very comforting so thank you all.

Honestly I am scared to bring it up because I’m afraid he will hurt me or leave me, and I’m 4 months pregnant with our first child. He’s never hit me, but he’s threatened to and he’s grabbed my arm before very hard, but not enough to leave a bruise. He hasn’t gone into a rage since August. He knows he has an anger problem and we are working with God and each other to overcome it. For better or for worse is what we promised, but I don’t want to cause him to get that angry ever again.
 
You are making this way harder than it needs to be.

First off, do not do anything that is not 100% open with your husband! You have his trust back, so be as transparent as you possibly can. Excepting when you have some private thoughts that aren’t too flattering (and that you will want to take back later, anyway), being an open book builds trust.

You tell your husband, “We may have a problem, Houston. I just found out today that Jeff is going to be in that class we signed up for. If it doesn’t bother you and you still want to take the class, I’m willing to do that, but to be honest I think that might be kind of weird for me. I am so thankful that you took me back, I just don’t want to have anything to do with that big mess I made. I’d like to forget it ever happened. Still, I think we ought to do what you want to do, and if that is taking the class, I’ll just tough it out and *act *like it never happened. You decide, and we’ll do what you want to do.”
 
StGerard1988 said:
First of all, I haven’t thanked everyone for their responses. Knowing I am in your thoughts is very comforting so thank you all.

Honestly I am scared to bring it up because I’m afraid he will hurt me or leave me, and I’m 4 months pregnant with our first child. He’s never hit me, but he’s threatened to and he’s grabbed my arm before very hard, but not enough to leave a bruise. He hasn’t gone into a rage since August. He knows he has an anger problem and we are working with God and each other to overcome it. For better or for worse is what we promised, but I don’t want to cause him to get that angry ever again.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. We do have a problem, Houston, and it is not the problem that there will be a former lover in a class.

Having said that, I wouldn’t make the class into something that precipitates a problem. Tell your husband that you found out that this other guy will be in the class, tell him that your plan is to drop out of the class immediately, but that you waited because you have decided you will do whatever your husband wants you to do instead of what you want to do. Then do that. If he wants to take the class, ask him what your plan is as a couple to deal with any problems this guy may pose to your one united decision about how to handle his presence. Because your husband was the innocent party in your betrayal, I would give that as my reason that I was determined to handle the issue in a way that my husband wants and without concern about what anyone else wants. He deserves that.

Who have you talked to about his anger problems? To whom has he admitted the extent of these problems? What do you mean “we” are working on his anger problems? He does not expect you to walk on eggshells so that he is not “provoked” to harm you, right?

There is no circumstance under which a spouse ought to live feeling he or she is so much as threatened with physical harm if they anger their spouse. None. Zero. There is no reason that you could ever “cause” him to be angry enough that he’d have any excuse to strike you or to so much as threaten to strike you. That is simply unacceptable, and for the love of his soul, it is your duty to make it clear that you will not live under threat.

There are very few causes that give a spouse the right to leave the common conjugal life. Infidelity that the innocent spouse in no way condoned is one of them. The reasonable fear of serious danger to self or a child is another. Once an innocent spouse has re-admitted an adulterous spouse to the common conjugal life, the innocent spouse gives up the right to leave the common conjugal life over that instance of adultery. It is your duty to do what you can to rebuild your husband’s violated trust. It is not your duty to live in fear of the anger he carries around about it, or to live in fear of him for any other reason, either, whether he is at fault for it or not.
 
He has confessed all of his angry blow ups to priests at one time or another. He tells me he has and that he wants to get a better control of it for our child.

Does the trust building still apply since we weren’t married when it happened, I confessed and he married me anyway?

When we do argue he says it’s because I act like a lunatic and cry. I do cry, but it’s because I don’t want him to be angry. I just want him to be happy with himself, his life, and with me. And when we argue I feel like it’s my fault he is angry. I’ve told him that this is why I cry when we argue. I’m not trying to be dramatic. I just want us to be happy all the time and not have such huge disagreements. They used to happen weekly and now are only a couple of times a month. The sacraments and prayer have helped him so much.

I pray a rosary for him almost every day and take flowers as an offering to St. Joseph almost weekly and ask him to intercede for my husband. What else can I do?

He confesses anonymously and I don’t think my priest has any idea that we have such problems. He thinks we are going to be great leaders in the church as we get older. It can be very difficult.
 
why don’t you first ask the guy you had the affair with to keep quiet about it? maybe he will.

if he won’t, then you’ll have to figure out what the “least bad” option is.
 
captainmike said:
why don’t you first ask the guy you had the affair with to keep quiet about it? maybe he will.

if he won’t, then you’ll have to figure out what the “least bad” option is.
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She didn’t hide the prior infidelity, or at least did not do so successfully. The husband knows about it. With that in their past, though, the more open she is, the better. She must not give the impression of trying to hide things. When you hide things, a reasonable person will start considering you someone who ought to be suspected.
 
StGerard1988 said:
When we do argue he says it’s because I act like a lunatic and cry. I do cry, but it’s because I don’t want him to be angry. I just want him to be happy with himself, his life, and with me. And when we argue I feel like it’s my fault he is angry. I’ve told him that this is why I cry when we argue. I’m not trying to be dramatic. I just want us to be happy all the time and not have such huge disagreements. They used to happen weekly and now are only a couple of times a month. The sacraments and prayer have helped him so much.
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This isn’t really helping his case. Honestly this doesn’t sound like someone who respects you very well.

Please, talk to your priest.
 
EasterJoy said:
She didn’t hide the prior infidelity, or at least did not do so successfully. The husband knows about it. With that in their past, though, the more open she is, the better. She must not give the impression of trying to hide things. When you hide things, a reasonable person will start considering you someone who ought to be suspected.
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there’s no clearly right thing to do here. you’re assuming she has an obligation to identify her lover eight years after the fact. i’m not sure she does. if she can get a convincing assurance from her former lover that he will remain quiet, that may be best. if she tells her husband, things will always be awkward around the former lover.
 
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