Desperate for advice

[StGerard1988]

I confessed to the infidelity. I could have kept quiet and he would have never known but I didn’t want to get married and have this huge lie between us so I told him. I will talk to my husband to see what he wants to do. I just hope he is understanding and sees that I am trying to do the right thing for our marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

there’s no clearly right thing to do here. you’re assuming she has an obligation to identify her lover eight years after the fact. i’m not sure she does. if she can get a convincing assurance from her former lover that he will remain quiet, that may be best. if she tells her husband, things will always be awkward around the former lover.

No, I meant that she said in her initial post that her husband knows about the infidelity. I don’t think she’s hidden the identity of the guy. If she has, all she has to do is to say, “I know you don’t want to know who it is, so I won’t tell you who it is, but I have reason to believe that the guy might be signed up for the class.” That way, his identity won’t be disclosed when the husband doesn’t know it just by the fact that this guy is the only one in the class who would have had an opportunity to commit the offense.

Under no circumstances should she make any attempt to contact the fellow with whom she was unfaithful. Any history with him that constituted a sin against her current marriage is enough to make him off-limits for social contact, with no apologies. If he were to approach her, she can say, “I am sorry, but I am married now. I think it is best if we don’t talk. I hope to see you among the saints some day, but in the meantime, please respect that…”) If discretion requires, she can simply talk to him as little as politeness allows, as if he were a stranger on a bus trying to strike up a conversation.

 

[EasterJoy]

I confessed to the infidelity. I could have kept quiet and he would have never known but I didn’t want to get married and have this huge lie between us so I told him. I will talk to my husband to see what he wants to do. I just hope he is understanding and sees that I am trying to do the right thing for our marriage.

I think if you say that you are sorry all over again for how this might hurt him and sorry that you have to bring it up at all before you tell him what is up, he will be very understanding. He’ll appreciate that you had an opportunity to hide something from him, but were open, instead. He’ll appreciate that you could have done what is easiest for yourself, but decided to do what he wants, instead. He’ll appreciate that you still see him as the innocent party and deserving of the right to decide how to handle the situation in a way that suits him. This will let him know that he can indeed trust you and that you really are ready to bear the burden for what was your offense. Maybe he won’t handle this well no matter what you do, because that is always a possibility, but I think that continuing your policy of openness is the best way to go.

 

[captainmike]

Under no circumstances should she make any attempt to contact the fellow with whom she was unfaithful. Any history with him that constituted a sin against her current marriage

i thought this happened before her marriage.

 

[StGerard1988]

It did happen before the marriage. The identity of the other is known, as is my husbands identity to him. I haven’t spoken to him since it happened, so 8 years ago. Absolutely no contact whatsoever.

It would only bother me because it would bother my husband. Also, how do I bring this up with my priest about the anger problem? I feel like I’m always going to him with problems and any normal person would be tired of me by now. Should I seek help at another confessional anonymously?

 

[Kal2012]

We have been looking forward to this class for weeks as it is being taught by an older parishioner whom we deeply admire and we have already signed up and confirmed that we will be attending. How do I explain this to the teacher, my priest, etc?

It just makes me sick to think that this is jeopardizing the new home we have found in this parish.

I’d say (to the husband) “Hon, I found out that “X” signed up for the class. I know that in the past this has been an issue for us. Would you feel comfortable going to the class, knowing that “X” will be in there too.” Just be honest and talk it out. Yes, you’ve been looking forward to the class, but if it’s too much of a problem for you to attend as a couple, then don’t go. (After all, if “X” attends your parish, then it is realistic to assume that “X” would show up at other events that you want to attend. At some point, you’ll have to have this conversation, so you might as well do it now.)

To the priest (teacher?): IF you decide not to take the class.

“We’ve had an unavoidable issue come up and we won’t be available to attend the class.” If you feel obligated to say that you had an affair w/one of the other class members, just be honest. Say “One of the people who is attending the class has caused problems for my marriage in the past and, if possible, I’d (we’d) be interested in attending the class at a different time. However, at this time, given the situation, it would just cause too many issues at home.” Apologize for having to bow out.

 

[Kal2012]

I think if you say that you are sorry all over again for how this might hurt him and sorry that you have to bring it up at all before you tell him what is up, he will be very understanding. He’ll appreciate that you had an opportunity to hide something from him, but were open, instead. He’ll appreciate that you could have done what is easiest for yourself, but decided to do what he wants, instead. He’ll appreciate that you still see him as the innocent party and deserving of the right to decide how to handle the situation in a way that suits him. This will let him know that he can indeed trust you and that you really are ready to bear the burden for what was your offense. Maybe he won’t handle this well no matter what you do, because that is always a possibility, but I think that continuing your policy of openness is the best way to go.

This! :thumbsup

 

[7xTu]

This is simple. There is only one answer to your problem. DO NOT ATTEND THE CLASS. You can always find another.