E
emsher
Guest
I’m new here and I am so desperate for prayers and some perspective. Please forgive the length of this post (2 posts). I feel sick inside, lost and confused.
Got married three years ago. Have had three beautiful boys in three years. The youngest is 6 months, the middle child is 2 and the oldest is 3. Have struggled financially and emotionally since the beginning. I basically have been wondering off and on if my husband is abusive and ultimately if it’s worse for the boys if I stay with him than go. Things always seemed to resolve but not resolve and lately it’s becoming intolerable and I don’t know if it’s just me.
He’s been a student since we married. Worked as a soldier musician for the army for 8 years and when we met he had left the army and decided to pursue his degree in hopes of gaining a more fulfilling career than the army. He’s an extremely gifted flutist. Freakishly gifted. But has never got anywhere with it. Still finishing his Bachelor’s but part time (only one day a week this term) and then that should be it unless he takes post grad. I helped him a lot with the essays etc throughout. He only had a study benefit of $200 a week and I had a small parenting pension so we’ve always struggled and he always said he’d get some part time work. He never has. Hasn’t even looked. I had my oldest two boys only ten months apart but managed to be a part time tutor through three difficult pregnancies.
Sometimes we can’t pay rent. We are in debt with utilities. I have contacted so many charities. I try to keep us afloat. We have to borrow from parents but mine are so livid with him now that they can’t in conscience help us out if he doesn’t get work. But when we discuss it he just criticises their lack of charity and has no sense of obligation to do something. He just practices but mostly watches tv or plays games. He gets angry whenever I try to talk rationally about his behaviour and turns it back on me saying I’m too lazy to work full time (I was a teacher). But I want to be a mum. Is it unfair of me to expect him to do some work and me do some but I still get to raise the kids? He thinks it’s a double standard and wants to be the stay at home parent. But he can’t cope with out boys alone. He just watches shows that are too violent and although he does a great job being a father when he wants to I think his laziness really wins out most of the time. I ask him what he wants to do with himself, his life, his career. Does he really want to stay home by himself all day? I know he wouldn’t do the chores. He has given up on a performance career and that’s got him down and now has no idea what to do. Everything I suggest he has an excuse for not to do.
We are both Catholic. He was lapsed until baby #1 was born. He came back to the faith. It was amazing. But he hasn’t been catechised and has no grounding in prayer life. Sometimes he misses Mass. He doesn’t go to confession when he knows he should. I used to hope God was leading him to Himself through our marriage but now I wonder if I just made a huge mistake.
He is attached strongly to his mother’s apron strings. She is so intrusive and has basically enmeshed him all his life so that his development seems to be arrested at that of a four year old. He relies on her for all his life administration tasks. It’s embarrassing. Or he expects me to do them for him. He blames me for his mistakes and somehow everything that goes wrong turns out to be my fault. I don’t think he has ever had success in his relationships. He once told me he’d had 16 girlfriends but that none of them worked out because they were all b****es.
Having three babies so quickly has been hard. There have been times he has gotten angry. So many times he loses it over something stupid and says awful things like “you’re just pathetic! Pathetic!” If I make a mistake in directions while driving. The. He drives aggressively and carries on and later forgets he said anything hurtful. Or I knock over his chips and he carries on and on, asking, “Why would you do something like that!?” Or tonight: I accidentally pulled the computer plug from the wall when trying to retrieve my phone charger and he carries on calling me a liar etc etc. Too many similar things to recount but that’s the general idea. He hit me once. I was 4 months pregnant and was having an hormonal “tantrum”- totally annoying and inappropriate and I should’ve stopped but I didn’t expect him to come think me in the back and put me in an aikido hold. I cried and cried and thought perhaps I should leave. He said sorry but it was like he was sorry I “made him do it.”
I should mention I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist/therapist for some time due to PND and recounted all this to him. He was helpful in helping me manage and keep the family in tact but lately I’ve grown frustrated with his approach. When it told him my DH hit me he said, “Well why would you tickle a tiger?” And when I said, “C’mon, I’m four months pregnant,” he said to get off my high horse. He’s been advising me to just act like a single mum and not expect anything from DH because he’s obviously unable to give it and complains when asked. He thinks a fairly useless, mildly harmful dad is far better than no dad.
Got married three years ago. Have had three beautiful boys in three years. The youngest is 6 months, the middle child is 2 and the oldest is 3. Have struggled financially and emotionally since the beginning. I basically have been wondering off and on if my husband is abusive and ultimately if it’s worse for the boys if I stay with him than go. Things always seemed to resolve but not resolve and lately it’s becoming intolerable and I don’t know if it’s just me.
He’s been a student since we married. Worked as a soldier musician for the army for 8 years and when we met he had left the army and decided to pursue his degree in hopes of gaining a more fulfilling career than the army. He’s an extremely gifted flutist. Freakishly gifted. But has never got anywhere with it. Still finishing his Bachelor’s but part time (only one day a week this term) and then that should be it unless he takes post grad. I helped him a lot with the essays etc throughout. He only had a study benefit of $200 a week and I had a small parenting pension so we’ve always struggled and he always said he’d get some part time work. He never has. Hasn’t even looked. I had my oldest two boys only ten months apart but managed to be a part time tutor through three difficult pregnancies.
Sometimes we can’t pay rent. We are in debt with utilities. I have contacted so many charities. I try to keep us afloat. We have to borrow from parents but mine are so livid with him now that they can’t in conscience help us out if he doesn’t get work. But when we discuss it he just criticises their lack of charity and has no sense of obligation to do something. He just practices but mostly watches tv or plays games. He gets angry whenever I try to talk rationally about his behaviour and turns it back on me saying I’m too lazy to work full time (I was a teacher). But I want to be a mum. Is it unfair of me to expect him to do some work and me do some but I still get to raise the kids? He thinks it’s a double standard and wants to be the stay at home parent. But he can’t cope with out boys alone. He just watches shows that are too violent and although he does a great job being a father when he wants to I think his laziness really wins out most of the time. I ask him what he wants to do with himself, his life, his career. Does he really want to stay home by himself all day? I know he wouldn’t do the chores. He has given up on a performance career and that’s got him down and now has no idea what to do. Everything I suggest he has an excuse for not to do.
We are both Catholic. He was lapsed until baby #1 was born. He came back to the faith. It was amazing. But he hasn’t been catechised and has no grounding in prayer life. Sometimes he misses Mass. He doesn’t go to confession when he knows he should. I used to hope God was leading him to Himself through our marriage but now I wonder if I just made a huge mistake.
He is attached strongly to his mother’s apron strings. She is so intrusive and has basically enmeshed him all his life so that his development seems to be arrested at that of a four year old. He relies on her for all his life administration tasks. It’s embarrassing. Or he expects me to do them for him. He blames me for his mistakes and somehow everything that goes wrong turns out to be my fault. I don’t think he has ever had success in his relationships. He once told me he’d had 16 girlfriends but that none of them worked out because they were all b****es.
Having three babies so quickly has been hard. There have been times he has gotten angry. So many times he loses it over something stupid and says awful things like “you’re just pathetic! Pathetic!” If I make a mistake in directions while driving. The. He drives aggressively and carries on and later forgets he said anything hurtful. Or I knock over his chips and he carries on and on, asking, “Why would you do something like that!?” Or tonight: I accidentally pulled the computer plug from the wall when trying to retrieve my phone charger and he carries on calling me a liar etc etc. Too many similar things to recount but that’s the general idea. He hit me once. I was 4 months pregnant and was having an hormonal “tantrum”- totally annoying and inappropriate and I should’ve stopped but I didn’t expect him to come think me in the back and put me in an aikido hold. I cried and cried and thought perhaps I should leave. He said sorry but it was like he was sorry I “made him do it.”
I should mention I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist/therapist for some time due to PND and recounted all this to him. He was helpful in helping me manage and keep the family in tact but lately I’ve grown frustrated with his approach. When it told him my DH hit me he said, “Well why would you tickle a tiger?” And when I said, “C’mon, I’m four months pregnant,” he said to get off my high horse. He’s been advising me to just act like a single mum and not expect anything from DH because he’s obviously unable to give it and complains when asked. He thinks a fairly useless, mildly harmful dad is far better than no dad.
