Desperate. Should I leave him?

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emsher said:
Oh wow, null… What can I say? I am blown away and in tears at your touching response. Thank you for your compassion. I believe too that God is at work in you because every single word you have said has resonated as though you have been here and seen it all unfold. Thank you with all my heart. Thank you!!! I know you are spot on. Wow.
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I’m very touched and glad to hear that. <3
emsher said:
I fear I’ve not been as morally upright as I ought. I ought to have been praying for him earnestly every day but I think I’ve been lazy too. I do pray for him earnestly at certain times and I pray for guidance. A lot lately. But I should pray much more for his soul. After all, I love him and want him to get to Heaven. But maybe separating is the most charitable thing for him as staying keeps enabling him. I was trying to find a middle ground of being more firm, strong and outspoken but feel inhibited because so many of these situations come up in front of the kids and I end up trying to diffuse for their sake rather than engage.
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I’ll pray for you.
emsher said:
Can I ask you how things turned out for your marriage? How did you come to these realisations within yourself. You say your wife stuck by you. I badly want there to be a way we can one day be together as a healthy, loving, selfless couple- a true marriage. But I accept that that may never be possible too. Did you need to come to a point where you felt you might lose it all unless you examined yourself? I will give it up to God’s hands and not be afraid.
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The first 6 years were very very difficult on both of us. Many bad things happened that we both have to live with for the rest of our lives. But I slowly grew in humility (by humiliating myself, no less) and slowly I began to think that maybe I really am the problem and not her or everyone else. It took a lot of hitting rock-bottom to eventually believe in God and then decide to give myself to God. Eventually I turned to God and became a Christian, and a year later a Catholic. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re far better than they were before. It’s been 10 years now and we’re blessed with 4 children in all.

But be very careful with regard to his violent behavior. Committing one violent act makes it easier to commit the same violent act again, or worse one. It’s like a staircase. He’s already taken the first steps. It’s now that much easier for him to escalate.
 
emsher said:
Thank you everyone so much for your time and attention. I believe I know you are all correct. It breaks me up inside and I am so anxious but I will do it. I will see Father on Thursday and talk about a plan. He offered some community support last time I saw him. I am in the process of separating our bank accounts etc now.

I’ve felt so cloistered with one-sided advice from my psych who believes it’s always best to keep the family together for the kids’ sake. And DH’s unbelievable mother - even when I told her about the hitting she pestered me to stay with him, saying he’d kill himself if I left him and that she stayed with her husband though she didn’t want to for the sake of the family blah blah. I always thought she was wrong in that choice.

So you think once it’s happened (the hitting), you can’t take the chance it won’t happen again? Like my psych seems to think its irrelevant now and there’s no reason to be afraid to keep together… It’s so weird. When it happened I thought, “that’s it- it’s over” and then later I thought, “no it’s ok. It wasn’t too bad and it won’t happen again and if it does, then I’ll go.” Like I need it to happen again to be sure… Oh man.

You’re totally right, Bucket. If someone else told me this story I wouldn’t say “keep trying honey.” But when it’s me I’m frozen in fear of breaking up the family. I need to be in that moment of certainty to go- but can’t afford to wait around for it. It’s not fair to my kids to risk that for them! I’m so mad at myself for believing my psych and mother in law against my own convictions. I wish I’d joined the CAF back then to hear true advice like I am now.

Please please pray for me. I can’t do this without prayer, without God. I’m so scared. Please pray I can have the strength to get through this. Please pray.

Is there any way I can delete this thread in case he finds it somehow?
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i don’t believe it can be deleted but do ask the staff.

If I remember correct this is 1 of your first threads and it shows in the responses you have received what a great forum C.A. is. I joined in Dec. 2013 and have found great friends, help and true support. I would feel lost without it. We are always here for you and know that after your testimony and the support that has been shown that you will be here for all.

We are all God’s children and we are all “equal in the eyes of God”.
 
emsher said:
null;11966952:
emsher:

I have reason to believe God put me here for a reason today.

Your story sounds almost identical to my story from 10 years ago when I married my spouse. I won’t go into details, but let it suffice to say that your story is almost word-for-word verbatim exactly the same as mine.

Oh wow, null… What can I say? I am blown away and in tears at your touching response. Thank you for your compassion. I believe too that God is at work in you because every single word you have said has resonated as though you have been here and seen it all unfold. Thank you with all my heart. Thank you!!! I know you are spot on. Wow.

I fear I’ve not been as morally upright as I ought. I ought to have been praying for him earnestly every day but I think I’ve been lazy too. I do pray for him earnestly at certain times and I pray for guidance. A lot lately. But I should pray much more for his soul. After all, I love him and want him to get to Heaven. But maybe separating is the most charitable thing for him as staying keeps enabling him. I was trying to find a middle ground of being more firm, strong and outspoken but feel inhibited because so many of these situations come up in front of the kids and I end up trying to diffuse for their sake rather than engage.

Can I ask you how things turned out for your marriage? How did you come to these realisations within yourself. You say your wife stuck by you. I badly want there to be a way we can one day be together as a healthy, loving, selfless couple- a true marriage. But I accept that that may never be possible too. Did you need to come to a point where you felt you might lose it all unless you examined yourself? I will give it up to God’s hands and not be afraid.

Thank you again for your support. It means the world to me. I’m overwhelmed with all the support I’ve received in only a couple if hours. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!
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YES! God put you here…God’s will has been done!
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haljoseph said:
YES! God put you here…God’s will has been done!
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Careful, she didn’t say that, she quoted me as saying that. Her quote got messed up when she deleted the end-quote tag by accident, and didn’t render as a quote of my post.
 
My situation was not nearly as serious as yours but for many years in early years of my marriage my wife would routinely fly into rages and vent her anger by physically hitting me as hard as she could. I would echo other people here in saying that things like that typically don’t just change and unfortunately once it becomes a pattern it can happen more and more frequently at least that was my experience. I eventually separated and after a fairly long separation we were able to reconcile our differences and my wife actually did stop doing that pattern of behavior. Again, your situation is much more dangerous than mine was and I would strongly agree with everyone that the safety of you and your children is paramount right now.
 
I agree with many other posters that you need a different psychiatrist. I’m confused as to why the psychiatrist didn’t notify the authorities that your husband struck the 1 yo. In the States, currently, he would be obligated to call. Your country may have a provision that he’s mandated only if he’s also treating the child, regardless, your helper isn’t being helpful. Time to move on. Your priest seems to be guiding you well and, as others have said, spiritual direction with him seems like what you should be doing.

That your husband struck a one year old and tried to force food down the children’s mouths is awful. They need you to protect them. You’ve gotten good resources, and you sound like you have family who will support you, move forward one step at a time with appropriate guidance. We’ll be praying for you.
 
I hope you can find some assistance because you need to leave this guy. He needs to step up to the plate and be a man. It’s not your responsibility to support him as if he is another child. Plus, the abusiveness is absolutely not acceptable. It is not acceptable to hit a one year old in the face under any circumstances. Children don’t have to be 5 or 6 before they remember things - I can remember things back to when I was 4 clearly. My niece remembers things from when she was 3 years old. The children are being affected. I would listen to your priest and get rid of the psychiatrist.
 
Sunbreak said:

“Children don’t have to be 5 or 6 before they remember things - I can remember things back to when I was 4 clearly.”

And I can remember stuff at least as far back as 3.
 
Even things they don’t remember affect them.

Your husband expects all, offers nothing, Unfortunately he is formed by a mother who didn’t help him learn the life-skills to be father, husband, and someone willing to support his children. Never working for you, never even trying to find work, it is likely he will remain his mother’s darling spoilt and crippled child always if he is still like this at age 33. The damage parents sometimes do…

Keeping you and your children in my prayers. God give you courage, hope, peace, and the good income and support that you need.
 
NFPWife said:
I agree with many other posters that you need a different psychiatrist. I’m confused as to why the psychiatrist didn’t notify the authorities that your husband struck the 1 yo. In the States, currently, he would be obligated to call. Your country may have a provision that he’s mandated only if he’s also treating the child, regardless, your helper isn’t being helpful. Time to move on. Your priest seems to be guiding you well and, as others have said, spiritual direction with him seems like what you should be doing.

That your husband struck a one year old and tried to force food down the children’s mouths is awful. They need you to protect them. You’ve gotten good resources, and you sound like you have family who will support you, move forward one step at a time with appropriate guidance. We’ll be praying for you.
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According to the last two paragraphs in her opening thread post, the child is not the only one her husband has been hitting. He hit her when she was pregnant and then told her it was her fault and “she made him do it”.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11966482&postcount=1

She needs to get out and get out now, before it gets any worse.
 
Immediately get yourself a copy of the book, ‘Why does he Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft. Hide it where your husband will NOT find it.

I can’t make the decision for you about whether you should leave. Divorce is very, very difficult - especially with an abusive man. But if staying is dangerous, you need to go. Read the book - it will help you decide what you should do - and help you formulate an exit plan.

Oh, and pray to St. Rita for intercession!
 
The priest who spoke to you about leaving your husband and getting an annulment was right.He hit the little one in the face,forced food down another one,well that’s child abuse.
He can go to jail for that.If I had a club be glad to beat the unholy hades out of him for you if i could.
His mother hasd spoiled him his whole life and that’s alot of his problem .He thinks the world revovles around him cause momma says so.

I’m an old maid and never married,so the others can give you their experiences,but things can’t go on this way any longer. You have to think of the children. You have to do something to end this for them.
The folks here give very good advice.Also,you might want to contact the priest who suggested getting an annulment again. Hr might be able to give you information on how to get annulment
who to see,etc. Maybe he also knows of some agency where you can take yourself and the kids to be safe. The diocese you live in might have some sort of shelter.
We will keep you in our prayers.
 
null said:
My wife just sent this to me. It may be very relevant:

theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
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I wish I could agree, but this poster’s husband doesn’t sound at all like the man who worked for his family and spent several years loving them before going through his midlife crisis. Hitting pregnant women and babies, not making the effort to support the family–these seem to be characteristics of the man, and deeply ingrained ones; the OP could be waiting until Kingdom come for change.
 
OP.
Please call the nearest Battered Women and Children center.
Now.
What if CPS finds out about the abuse, and then he accuses YOU of being the aggressor?
It can happen. Protect your children and yourself.
If you can go online to ask advice, you can go online and find a safe house.
Go back to that priest and let him help you. The time is now. Hitting a child and shoving food in their face…is a deal breaker. Intolerable. Time to act.
We will pray for you.
 
emsher,

First, I am 57. I was married to an abusive man when I was in my 20s. I left after one of his violent attacks on me. My children were 3 and 10 months. I took my children and left with the clothes on my back. My son is now 32, and he was 3 at the time. He still remembers that day, vividly. He was three, not four, or five. So, they can remember something traumatic earlier than you would think.

I have to question what PND is? I hope it is not a typo, and you meant NPD. I was thinking that perhaps your husband is gaslighting. By that I mean that he has NPD(and, it sounds like he does) and convinced that it is you. I can be totally wrong here. I just can’t figure out what PND stands for. Or, is it PPD, for postpartum depression? Just don’t like that your husband makes it sound like it is you with the problem. It is him causing all of this, not you. He hit you! He hit your babies! What he did was abusive!

Anyways, please run…Please think of your children. They are better off in a peaceful environment! And, it sounds like he can seriously hurt them, if he can hit a one yer old, so hard.

My heart goes out to you. You have my prayers.
 
ineeda,

I’m guessing “PND” probably means something like “post natal depression.”
 
Oops, boy talk about typos - I meant I wonder if it is a typo. And, not I hope it is not a typo. What I said does not make sense!! I can see that PND can be postnatal depression.:o
 
Kelfa28 said:
This is an excellent article but it’s not relevant to the OP’s situation.
The article describes a loving husband who happened to hit a mid-life crisis.

The OP’s husband is lazy, narcissistic and abusive.

OP, please get your kids together and leave this situation. I will say some prayers for you.
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Also, the wife said, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

She didn’t allow him to harm the children. The OP’s husband is harming the family. Beyond the absence of abuse, the husband in the article had established the family financially. His flitting around didn’t cause harm. It hurt his wife’s feelings, hurt his reputation with friends and family, but it didn’t harm. These situations are completely different.
 
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