Desperately need financial guidance/wisdom

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Hello all,
I am in desperate need of guidance in how to solve a financial mess I am in. Today I stole $20 from my parents for gas money, and I am destroyed that I sinned like this. I need help in straightening out this mess…

I am overdrawn by about $500 at the bank. I owe $520 (half of which is already overdue) to my son’s tuition in about 10 days, and I need to pay my son back $100 that I borrowed from him.

I am married and have four children, the oldest one has cerebral palsy and goes to a special school that is 20 miles away, one way. He receives a scholarship for a good part of the tuition and I pay the rest.

My other children are at home, he is at this school because it is best for his needs. Keeping him home is not an option. We straddle the low income/middle income line; my son gets about 57/month of ssi for being disabled. His tuition is 260.

I am not working, my husband is. He pays house bills but not tuition, food, or my gas unless I beg. He is not thrilled with me being home, as I have worked before, but right now the cost of daycare for my 2 youngest will take up entirely what I would earn. In addition , there are logistical issues with therapies for my oldest. My husband realizes this but says there is nothing more he can do. I have to “figure the rest out.” I have tried to work nights but he could never be home on time for me to get to work.

We receive wic for two children and I sell my plasma weekly as well as whatever I can find to sell on ebay/craigslist. I have sold all of my gold and silver jewelry, there is nothing left.

I am very frugal; home haircuts, never buy anything new, diy home repairs, beans/rice/soup/pancakes/eggs meal rotation, no meat…not sure what else I can do there.

I clearly need assistance getting this straightened out before the bank closes my account and my son gets kicked out of school. I also need ideas about how I can get roughly 600/month to pay for my gas, some groceries, and my sons tuition so I don’t get into this mess again. I can’t live like this anymore, being “down and out” is turning me to sin and I can’t do this…

Please someone with wisdom, guide me toward getting together $ soon to clear up my messes. I am out of ideas. Talking about this with my husband is not a good option. I need to “figure it out” myself.

Thanks for any ideas you have…

Zippy
 
zippyvontrapp said:
Hello all,
I am in desperate need of guidance in how to solve a financial mess I am in. Today I stole $20 from my parents for gas money, and I am destroyed that I sinned like this. I need help in straightening out this mess…

I am overdrawn by about $500 at the bank. I owe $520 (half of which is already overdue) to my son’s tuition in about 10 days, and I need to pay my son back $100 that I borrowed from him.

I am married and have four children, the oldest one has cerebral palsy and goes to a special school that is 20 miles away, one way. He receives a scholarship for a good part of the tuition and I pay the rest.

My other children are at home, he is at this school because it is best for his needs. Keeping him home is not an option. We straddle the low income/middle income line; my son gets about 57/month of ssi for being disabled. His tuition is 260.

I am not working, my husband is. He pays house bills but not tuition, food, or my gas unless I beg. He is not thrilled with me being home, as I have worked before, but right now the cost of daycare for my 2 youngest will take up entirely what I would earn. In addition , there are logistical issues with therapies for my oldest. My husband realizes this but says there is nothing more he can do. I have to “figure the rest out.” I have tried to work nights but he could never be home on time for me to get to work.

We receive wic for two children and I sell my plasma weekly as well as whatever I can find to sell on ebay/craigslist. I have sold all of my gold and silver jewelry, there is nothing left.

I am very frugal; home haircuts, never buy anything new, diy home repairs, beans/rice/soup/pancakes/eggs meal rotation, no meat…not sure what else I can do there.

I clearly need assistance getting this straightened out before the bank closes my account and my son gets kicked out of school. I also need ideas about how I can get roughly 600/month to pay for my gas, some groceries, and my sons tuition so I don’t get into this mess again. I can’t live like this anymore, being “down and out” is turning me to sin and I can’t do this…

Please someone with wisdom, guide me toward getting together $ soon to clear up my messes. I am out of ideas. Talking about this with my husband is not a good option. I need to “figure it out” myself.

Thanks for any ideas you have…

Zippy
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  1. What is your husband doing with “his” money? Is he a miser or just broke? Does he have a substance abuse problem or some other addiction that is sucking up his income?
  2. This is not a functional way of life and you won’t be able to fix your situation without talking to people (including your husband). Since he is your husband (and as long as you think it’s safe), I think you need to give him the courtesy of explaining the situation to him. Ask for 20 minutes and explain to your husband everything you’ve explained to us. Then ask him for suggestions. Hear him out. If his ideas aren’t realistic or helpful, explain that since he doesn’t have any answers for you, you’re going to start telling your story to your parents, your extended family, your friends, your pastor, the administration at school, and anybody else that might be able to help you, because you need grocery money and gas money and to keep your disabled child in a good school. Tell him that you will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Sit back and see what he says to that.
  3. If that doesn’t do the job, follow through and talk to everybody you can think of who knows you and might want to help you. Don’t be embarrassed–you’re doing this for your kids.
  4. If that doesn’t do the job, talk to a divorce attorney about the financial side of your situation. Ask for an estimate of what the divorce attorney thinks a divorce would cost your husband. Share that number with your husband (I suspect it’s rather larger than he is currently spending on his family) and ask him to come to a meeting with your pastor with you to discuss your financial issues. (If you can afford it, go to a marriage counselor.) Tell your husband, I want to stay legally married to you, but I can’t afford to. If I have to divorce you to obtain financial support for our family, I will do it. (But don’t say this if you feel it would be unsafe.)
It simply isn’t possible for you to manage by yourself right now and I don’t think you should even try.

Also, I don’t know where to put this in the list, but a lot of people have been helped by Dave Ramsey.

Best wishes!
 
I think the missing piece here is whether your husband earns enough to provide for food and education for his family, or if his entire income goes just for the house? If he doesn’t earn enough, then you probably need to figure out a way to work. If he does but is withholding money, then you two need counseling help to bridge that issue, or a lawyer.

Can you take in a few kids to watch for extra income? Can you put your older ones in school, and work? Can your parents or a sibling watch your younger ones so you could work a part-time job?

What about something like a paper route, or school crossing monitor? $600 a month is a relatively small amount of money to bridge. I have a friend who used to bring in several hundred dollars a night in tips waitressing at an expensive restaurant.

Do you have teenage children old enough to work?

Do you rent or own? Can you find a cheaper option to reduce household expenses? Do you live in the country where you could

What about extreme couponing? Doing clinical trials?

Do your parents have money? Are they aware and sympathetic to your situation? Do you feel comfortable confessing to them that you were so desperate for gas money that you took it from them without asking? Could they help with their grandson’s tuition?

Can you talk to the school and tell them that you are having trouble paying anything? Can you volunteer at the school in lieu of payment? Perhaps they know other resources who want to help with special needs kids’ education.

It seems like you and your husband need to have a conversation about how to make ends meet until all of your kids are school age and you are able to return to work. I know the ideal is for a mother to stay home with her children, but honestly, today it is very hard for even the most frugal family to survive on one salary if it is very low. Perhaps your husband would be more amenable to negotiation if there were an end date in sight of this financial stress.
 
Caroline723 said:
I think the missing piece here is whether your husband earns enough to provide for food and education for his family, or if his entire income goes just for the house? If he doesn’t earn enough, then you probably need to figure out a way to work. If he does but is withholding money, then you two need counseling help to bridge that issue, or a lawyer.

Can you take in a few kids to watch for extra income? Can you put your older ones in school, and work? Can your parents or a sibling watch your younger ones so you could work a part-time job?

What about something like a paper route, or school crossing monitor? $600 a month is a relatively small amount of money to bridge. I have a friend who used to bring in several hundred dollars a night in tips waitressing at an expensive restaurant.

Do you have teenage children old enough to work?

Do you rent or own? Can you find a cheaper option to reduce household expenses? Do you live in the country where you could

What about extreme couponing? Doing clinical trials?

Do your parents have money? Are they aware and sympathetic to your situation? Do you feel comfortable confessing to them that you were so desperate for gas money that you took it from them without asking? Could they help with their grandson’s tuition?

Can you talk to the school and tell them that you are having trouble paying anything? Can you volunteer at the school in lieu of payment? Perhaps they know other resources who want to help with special needs kids’ education.

It seems like you and your husband need to have a conversation about how to make ends meet until all of your kids are school age and you are able to return to work. I know the ideal is for a mother to stay home with her children, but honestly, today it is very hard for even the most frugal family to survive on one salary if it is very low. Perhaps your husband would be more amenable to negotiation if there were an end date in sight of this financial stress.
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There’s a lot of good advice in there.

There are more options than 1) he has the money and 2) he doesn’t have the money. It may be that 3) he does make the money, but he has expensive addictions that he is attached to that are vaporizing his paycheck.

Zippy, do you have a ballpark idea of what your husband’s income is?
 
zippyvontrapp said:
Hello all,
I am in desperate need of guidance in how to solve a financial mess I am in. Today I stole $20 from my parents for gas money, and I am destroyed that I sinned like this. I need help in straightening out this mess.
Click to expand...
.

Hang in there. I once hadn’t eaten much, sometimes would go days without eating, took a donut from my boyfriend’s parents once, without asking permission.

Anyway, when you get this resolved, get financially back on your feet, replace that $20. Confess it in confession, and secretly do restitution when you are able.

From looking online, I seem to remember from the past that it was an acceptable way of resolving this kind of scenario.

In my case, I never did actually do restitution because I left the area, moved on, and it would have been more hassle than it was worth. I confessed it, moved on.

.
zippyvontrapp said:
I am overdrawn by about $500 at the bank. I owe $520 (half of which is already overdue) to my son’s tuition in about 10 days, and I need to pay my son back $100 that I borrowed from him.
Click to expand...
Sorry about this. What aid do you qualify for? **Do you qualify for TANF?
**
What about St. Vincent de Paul through your local Catholic Church?

Do you have a Catholic Social Services near you?
zippyvontrapp said:
I am married and have four children, the oldest one has cerebral palsy and goes to a special school that is 20 miles away, one way. He receives a scholarship for a good part of the tuition and I pay the rest.

My other children are at home, he is at this school because it is best for his needs. Keeping him home is not an option. We straddle the low income/middle income line; my son gets about 57/month of ssi for being disabled. His tuition is 260.

I am not working, my husband is. He pays house bills but not tuition, food, or my gas unless I beg. He is not thrilled with me being home, as I have worked before, but right now the cost of daycare for my 2 youngest will take up entirely what I would earn. In addition , there are logistical issues with therapies for my oldest. My husband realizes this but says there is nothing more he can do. I have to “figure the rest out.” I have tried to work nights but he could never be home on time for me to get to work.

We receive wic for two children and I sell my plasma weekly as well as whatever I can find to sell on ebay/craigslist. I have sold all of my gold and silver jewelry, there is nothing left.

I am very frugal; home haircuts, never buy anything new, diy home repairs, beans/rice/soup/pancakes/eggs meal rotation, no meat…not sure what else I can do there.

I clearly need assistance getting this straightened out before the bank closes my account and my son gets kicked out of school. I also need ideas about how I can get roughly 600/month to pay for my gas, some groceries, and my sons tuition so I don’t get into this mess again. I can’t live like this anymore, being “down and out” is turning me to sin and I can’t do this…

Please someone with wisdom, guide me toward getting together $ soon to clear up my messes. I am out of ideas. Talking about this with my husband is not a good option. I need to “figure it out” myself.

Thanks for any ideas you have…

Zippy
Click to expand...
I used to volunteer at Goodwill, which works with people with disabilities. You may know it from selling used clothing and furniture, but they do much more.

Go to their office, NOT the store, and explain your situation, ask for assistance. In my area, they would help if they could. If they couldn’t, they would do an assessment, see if you qualified for other services. If they thought you did, they would refer you to other community resources in your area.

Ask Goodwill for assistance with the tuition and such. Ask them for advice in seeking services, for now, to help you financially.

As to food, there are also food banks…see below for your state:

feedingamerica.org/foodbank-results.aspx

There are also soup kitchens.

As to utilities, call up your local utilities…water, electric, gas, whatever. Explain your situation. Ask them if they have any programs available…assistance.

The babysitting idea is also good. Once, I couldn’t afford my heating bill, despite the fact I was working full time. So, I babysat a kid. I’d have him over, even overnight.

For me, I was by myself, lonely, and that gave me the money I needed to pay my bills.

You may already be familiar with the United Cerebral Palsy Association, but they had a link with resources. I don’t know if it’ll help, but I will also include that.

ucp.org/resources/

If I think of anything else, I’ll be back on.

Good luck!

Oh, and I have so much admiration and respect for you…selling plasma! Wow! You are such a beautiful and wonderful person who very much deserves assistance!

God bless you!
 
I remember being extremely poor years ago, and I sought out all kinds of programs, clipped coupons. I pooled my coupons with a neighbor. We would share a cab there and back, and did the buy one get one free. We arranged that, together. I’d get some stuff, and she’d get other stuff.

I had neighbors, and we worked together, helped each other.

Once, I had a Christmas where I had Christmas lights and such, couldn’t afford a tree. I had a neighbor who had a tree, couldn’t afford decorations! lol

Once, I helped a neighbor with babysitting, and she helped me with transportation.
 
ClearWater said:
.

Anyway, when you get this resolved, get financially back on your feet, replace that $20. Confess it in confession, and secretly do restitution when you are able.

From looking online, I seem to remember from the past that it was an acceptable way of resolving this kind of scenario.

That’s right.

God bless you!
Click to expand...
 
I suspect there are even many resources than that, but you would almost need a social worker to help you locate them.

Or, you could try…you put…your city, your state, the disability, do a search on “resources”, “assistance”, “disability”, etc., until you find something that can help, and also when you are at any of these places, ask what else they know of that might be helpful and you could qualify for.

I knew one church that had, for Christmas, one of those programs at church where you put on a tree a list of items you would like for Christmas for the child/person.

Somebody in the church would go down the list, pick that “tree”, buy what’s on the list as a Christmas gift. Christmas will be rolling around next, so this is good to keep in mind.

One year, a friend of mine said at his church, he goes to Church of the Nazarene, had one of those programs. He found a woman who had a son with CP and had a bunch of stuff on there. He had a good income, took that list, went out and got her EVERYTHING she asked for!
 
Oh, and one other thing…Goodwill in the area I used to live also had even a medical section. They got donations of…walkers, wheelchairs, canes, I think even adult diapers.

I asked for a shower bench once, which I used temporarily, returned.

Then, I asked for a wheelchair, which I still have even here in Mexico to this day!

They also gave me some kind of ankle brace.

So, keep them in mind for other equipment, should you ever have a need.
 
Goodwill can sometimes also give a voucher…for clothes, items for the house, that kind of thing.
 
In the area I used to live, Goodwill also had its own school, for people with disabilities.

Also, I don’t know what your housing situation is. If you can’t afford rent, you might qualify for some low income housing, like Section 8…

Go with a stack of bills in hand to some of these places.

Once, I was denied for food stamps, 3 times. I knew I qualified, went with an advocate, trying to remember from where…got approved that day!
 
When I went to college, I used something though SSI, called the “Pass plan”, which I used to pay for things. At that time, I also used the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation (OVR). In some areas, it’s called DVR (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation),

I know they work with adults, trying to remember if they also work with children.
 
zippyvontrapp said:
Hello all,
I am in desperate need of guidance in how to solve a financial mess I am in. Today I stole $20 from my parents for gas money, and I am destroyed that I sinned like this. I need help in straightening out this mess…

I am overdrawn by about $500 at the bank. I owe $520 (half of which is already overdue) to my son’s tuition in about 10 days, and I need to pay my son back $100 that I borrowed from him.

I am married and have four children, the oldest one has cerebral palsy and goes to a special school that is 20 miles away, one way. He receives a scholarship for a good part of the tuition and I pay the rest.

My other children are at home, he is at this school because it is best for his needs. Keeping him home is not an option. We straddle the low income/middle income line; my son gets about 57/month of ssi for being disabled. His tuition is 260.

I am not working, my husband is. He pays house bills but not tuition, food, or my gas unless I beg. He is not thrilled with me being home, as I have worked before, but right now the cost of daycare for my 2 youngest will take up entirely what I would earn. In addition , there are logistical issues with therapies for my oldest. My husband realizes this but says there is nothing more he can do. I have to “figure the rest out.” I have tried to work nights but he could never be home on time for me to get to work.

We receive wic for two children and I sell my plasma weekly as well as whatever I can find to sell on ebay/craigslist. I have sold all of my gold and silver jewelry, there is nothing left.

I am very frugal; home haircuts, never buy anything new, diy home repairs, beans/rice/soup/pancakes/eggs meal rotation, no meat…not sure what else I can do there.

I clearly need assistance getting this straightened out before the bank closes my account and my son gets kicked out of school. I also need ideas about how I can get roughly 600/month to pay for my gas, some groceries, and my sons tuition so I don’t get into this mess again. I can’t live like this anymore, being “down and out” is turning me to sin and I can’t do this…

Please someone with wisdom, guide me toward getting together $ soon to clear up my messes. I am out of ideas. Talking about this with my husband is not a good option. I need to “figure it out” myself.

Thanks for any ideas you have…

Zippy
Click to expand...
Zippy, it sounds like you have 2 problems. The first is your income need. As people have suggested, I would look into working in child care if you can handle 1 more. You could also try working as a tutor or hair dresser/barber. Maybe you could look to refinance your mortgage or move? You might have to take a longer term mortgage, but it might get you the income you need to bridge the gap.

Short term, you might want to ask to borrow some money from friends and family, so you can get caught up at the bank and with tuition. You might be able to work it out as an advance for working for them (like you get $200 from your sister and you cut her hair for 4 months to pay her back)

Your second issue is with your husband. It could be he is just maxed out himself and just so frustrated that he can’t provide that he is lashing out at you. Or there could be some other issues there that are causing this. You should probably try to talk to a pastor or a counselor.

I will be praying for you. Both of my brothers are special needs (older has autism, younger has autism and seizures), so I know what a struggle it can be.
 
Can you also get one of those free energy-saving audits? I once got one of those, and they gave me a bunch of free stuff that helped me cut down on my heating bills…hot water tank wrap, low-flow showerhead, etc., and tips that saved me a bundle of money!

In NYS, we had a program called HEAP…which would pay a couple hundred dollars toward utilities yearly, I think. I later got off it, didn’t need it.

What about the “United Way”? unitedway.org/ Ask them for advice.
 
The very first action you should take on your own, and the very first advice we should be giving you (and, unless I missed it, it hasn’t been offered), is:

PRAY

And I will pray with and for you and your family.

I don’t find any fault with the advise others have given, or their earnest attempts in helping you, its just that prayer should come first.

Peace and all good!
 
There are a lot of good suggestions in all these posts, and I hope you will take the time to follow through.

Lots of community and church organizations are waiting to help you and your family. I suggest starting with your parish or church. They probably have someone in the church who can help you get some help right away (like today), and then help you sort through all those community organizations and find the ones that are able to help you and your children.

You and your children need help right now. You can’t wait for your husband on this. I agree with Xantippe that you should do him the courtesy of talking to him first, but if he’s not willing to get on board and be a good husband and father, then you should start working through the list of suggestions in this thread. If he doesn’t like it, too bad.

My personal opinion is that your husband needs to work with you to apportion his current paycheck better, and then get a SECOND and possibly even a THIRD job (weekends) to make ends meet in the family. I know plenty of men who work a full shift in the lab at our hospital, then go to another hospital to work another full shift, and then spend weekends working at some retail job. I respect these men who are trying to provide for the needs of their families.

I don’t think it’s realistic for you to seek out any kind of job right now, even an at-home job. Your oldest son needs you, and so do all your other children. Having a handicapped child in the family is tough on the children who are not handicapped, and you need to be there for them and help them to have as normal and happy a childhood as possible.

I especially don’t think a daycare business or childcare is a good idea. You only have so much energy, and bringing in even one more child is going to send you over the top. Your HUSBAND should be the one spreading himself thin, not you. I’ve seen this in my own family; my sister in law’s son was diagnosed with cancer when he was 2, and she spent almost half a year with him at a university hospital. The other two children were left with various relatives. It’s been 8 years now, and those children are still suffering the ill affects of that stressful time when they were “abandoned” (in their eyes) by their mother. (Dad was working 2 shifts trying to make enough money to pay the cancer bills–yes, they were insured, but there were still thousands of dollars in other expenses). The children are all in counseling for various anger issues. Not a good situation. Fight to stay home to provide a stable environment for all of your children and to save your own strength

Where are your parents or his parents in all this? :confused: Aren’t they helping you at all? Why do you have to “steal” $20 from them? Why won’t they give it to you? My father -in -law went back to work in his 70s (!) to earn money to help out his daughter when her son (his grandson) got cancer. They gave so much money and help to her and the other children. All of us did. I don’t believe in paying my grown daughters’ way in this world, but I would gladly help them out if they ask. Aren’t there other relatives who can at least make you a meal or bring snacks over once a week?

Also, there should be some kind of CP organization(s) that will help you to find more financial aid for your son, as well as support and education for him and his family. They should be in there helping. That’s why all of us give money to those telethons and 5Ks and little plastic boxes in stores.
 
Just a quick plug for ‘Veritas Financial Ministries’

veritasfinancialministries.com

It’s a Catholic ministry and helps to deal with debt- very useful and you may find something in the free resources there that is very valuable.
 
Thank you all for your responses, i feel calmer just reading them. I think i have been hoping and praying that God will miraculously intervene, I know He CAN. But now things are closing in a bit on me and I’m panicking.

I am thankful for the positive thoughts and prayers sent my way.

Thanks to the genius suggestion here, I will be calling my son’s school to see if i can work off his tuition. I am happy to clean toilets, file, mow lawns, whatever they need. Now here’s hoping they are open to this idea!

My parents have helped alot. Car repairs, new air conditioner, appliance repairs, etc,…they have been there. It is bad enough asking for emergencies, but i am mortified to need to ask for daily expenses. I am going to definitely confess and place back the $20 i took. I am so disgusted with myself.

We dont qualify for food stamps. Our income is low for our family size but not that low. Tge problem is that I do not get the $ needed to do my jobs, transportation and running the house. My husband is not on drugs, i dont think anything sinister is happening, other than that he feels he works hard and wants lunch out, purchases here or there, and he is terrible eith money so will buy something while our electricity is about to be cut off. He is not open to cancelling cable, which would probably pay for our food. For 20 years I have been asking to budget, offering help to make a budget…but no.

If I go to an organization asking for help, if they see we are not destitute, they will not want to give assistance, and rightfully so. I am destitute but there is household income. Then i would have to explain how I am required to pay some expenses but have no job. I think that would seem bad. 😦

Our housing costs are very low due to us having a small house, big down payment (wedding money) way before the housing bubble. Our biggest expenses are transportation bc we have two high car payments and probably a combined 500-600/month in gasoline. Is there a way to refinance cars or is this a bad idea?

I dont want to get divorced over money, neither of us is perfect but we have 20 years and have been through alot in that time. I have worked for about 15 of those years, but now with the two little ones, it is really difficult. He himself says me home is easier for him, as he has no responsibility other than going to work. I just wish he would work with me to budget instead of leaving me to fend for myself .
 
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