Desperately Need Help - Angry About Cohabitation Culture

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Anicette, I totally understand what you’re getting at. Unfortunately, life is not that simple. My cousin and her husband married when they were both 30 and have decided not to have children (they were married in an interfaith ceremony - he is Jewish). I have no idea why, and I wish they would try as it just may happen, but it appears that he doesn’t want to. Also, the couple I mentioned in my original post is now dealing with infertility. So, fertility is not a given regardless of age. Also, a little known fact is that men also have a biological clock. Starting in their mid 30s, the quality of men’s sperm starts to show greater anomalies and there is a greater chance of miscarriage a(regardless of the woman’s age, autism, and other diseases. I can’t believe how many ads I’ve seen on Catholic Match where men in their 40s want 5+ kids. These same men probably think that they are super fertile and would probably refuse to consider someone like me even though I look younger than they are. This is a very complex, multi-faceted issue. I believe that age is a mixture of chronological age + physical age + emotional age. I was recently on a cruise with some WW2 Veterans. Surely we cannot compare veterans who fought in Normandy at 18 years or age to the average 18 year old kid nowadays who spends his day playing videogames. There is just no comparison.
 
sparklingcyder said:
This is why I feel more comfortable dating/marrying someone in his mid-30s. I truly hope someone understands what I’m getting at.
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No, I really don’t.

I hope you aren’t under the impression most people are drug users who smoke and sleep around, cuz— nope.

Those of us who are none of those things have no desire to marry a man in his 30s. And a man in his 30s is unlikely to want to marry a woman who is 50.

No, that sort of age gap isn’t appealing at all, either direction.
 
sparklingcyder said:
So, fertility is not a given regardless of age.
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Yes, not guaranteed at 20 or 30 or 40… But most men in their 30s are marrying women who are still solidly in their child bearing years- late 20s to early 30s.

But seriously at 50, you are in actively in perimenopause and are in full menopause soon after. And 15 or more years older than the man.

I don’t get your seeming fixation with this idea. It’s not a realistic one.
sparklingcyder said:
I believe that age is a mixture of chronological age + physical age + emotional age.
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In some respects, yes. But chronological age is more of a factor to consider when there is a large gap. I wouldn’t want to be 50 years old putting my 70 year old spouse in a nursing home for care beyond what I could give.
 
sparklingcyder said:
I can’t believe how many ads I’ve seen on Catholic Match where men in their 40s want 5+ kids. These same men probably think that they are super fertile and would probably refuse to consider someone like me even though I look younger than they are.
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With all due respect, you seem to be fixated on “looks”. Even if you actually look in person like a supermodel and not a day over 30 though you are 50, looks aren’t everything and a man is going to be seeking somebody with compatible interests and personality also. A 50-year-old woman who has never dated and seems to be having some significant personal struggles/ mental health issues is not what your average guy in his 30s or even 40s is looking for. It’s possible you might find someone compatible, and he might even be younger, but at your age, if you really want to get married or even have any kind of a dating life, you need to come down off your high horse and not be so picky. I’m not saying you have to date guys who aren’t living a moral life or who seem to be only looking for sex, but it seems like you are getting a lot of interest from men and you’re finding reasons to turn every one of them down as having cohabited or being too old or this or that, while you carry on with this exaggerated opinion of yourself as looking so great and being so moral and not understanding why men 20 years younger than yourself aren’t falling all over themselves to win your hand.

I really think you need to discuss a lot of these issues with a mental health professional - preferably one whose personal life you know nothing about because frankly, your mental health counselor’s dating/ marriage/ partnership life should NOT be part of your professional relationship with him or her - and not with a forum. The things you are saying are just becoming stranger with each post and you do not seem to be living in reality when it comes to dating, marriage, and people’s normal behaviors. Please get some professional help.
 
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Again, suggesting that you try to get to Confession and begin receiving the Sacraments.

A book I would highly recommend is “The Reed of God” by Caryll Houselander

Spend time with God, discern what is His vocation for you. As we approach 50, we enter an new phase of life. Embrace that phase and be open to God.

It is fine to want to look our best (I am a makeup junkie!), but, we must also not become vain or make our appearance so important that we miss out on our lives.
 
I know multiple men who spent time while they were 18 to 22 years old in Iraq and Afghanistan. Some of whom spent weeks and months completely unable to receive the Eucharist because they were in camps too remote for even military priests to reach. Much less with the electricity needed to play video games.

Those men are in their 30s now or about to hit them. I can’t imagine that the comments you’ve made here would impress them very much.
 
TheLittleLady said:
A bit of “elder brother syndrome”, where we say “I did all of the RIGHT things, I was good and did not go off like the prodigal son, yet, he gets the party, it is not fair!”.
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Well, the elder brother had a valid point. And I don’t recall either the father in the parable or Jesus in telling the parable criticizing the elder brother as being jealous, entitled, unrealistic, etc.

People need their occasional “kid goat” to get through the day. Maybe if the elder brother had that “kid goat” he may have been more welcoming to the prodigal brother.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Spend time with God, discern what is His vocation for you.
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Maybe being shut down and shamed by the “are you sure that is God’s will for you” line over the course of 30+ years is what got her here in the first place?
 
In the parable, the father did correct the elder brother “look, you have everything, your brother was dead to us and has come back, be happy for him!”

Jesus went on to make the point in the parable of the laborers who were hired at different times of the day, we are not to gripe that the person who was a latecomer gets just as much reward.
 
TheLittleLady said:
In the parable, the father did correct the elder brother “look, you have everything, your brother was dead to us and has come back, be happy for him!”
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I don’t know what version of the Bible you are reading, but in the version that is read at Mass, the father did not “correct” him, he pleaded with him. It’s a shame that the older brother had to go to those extremes to get the father to acknowledge his legitimate grievances and finally admit that the son had everything the father had, but maybe that could have all been avoided if the older brother had gotten that occasional “kid goat” (although he really should have surf 'n turf!). Maybe that is a lesson to us to not begrudge the obedient child’s “kid goat”.
TheLittleLady said:
Jesus went on to make the point in the parable of the laborers who were hired at different times of the day, we are not to gripe that the person who was a latecomer gets just as much reward.
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That is an allegory to people achieving salvation later in life. There are some people out there that try to use that story as an excuse to justify cheating people.
 
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I would also like to point out that I was the victim of extreme bullying as a child and adolescent and am aparently dealing with some type of PTSD. It appears that I have been triggered by several very stressful events in the past few months and am now reliving all this pain from my adolescence. According to this article, it is very common for people who’ve experienced emotional trauma as children to be emotionally stunted somewhat. I have been seeing psychiatrists for 30 years and have just discovered all of this information in the past few weeks. I guess I knew bits and parts, but am only now starting to integrate this all. There is an article in Psychology Today titled 6 Ways That a Rough Childhood Can Affect Adult Relationships from 2017. Please read bullet item #2. This essentially describes how I fee.

Excerpt:
2. Missing parts of oneself: "I’ve always felt like something was missing, but I don’t know what it is."

With chronic developmental distress, children often disconnect important parts of themselves in order to survive, a form of dissociation. They may come to rely on one major persona in order to have stability and make it appear as if everything were OK — such as being an exemplary student — while having little or no real personal life. Later in life, they may feel like parts of themselves are missing. Through personal growth and therapy, they may rediscover and even create anew these missing parts. Sometimes they are there, stowed away for better times if you will, but younger-feeling than their everyday persona. It’s common for these missing parts to be associated with particular emotional states and memories, and reuniting leads to a fuller sense of identity.
 
I use Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch Water Resistant Sunscreen - SPF 100 😎
 
good point.

But i think for the success of any attempt to find an husband, i think you should reintegrate your real age, rather than trying to find somewhat younger because you feel more younger, as you “experience” less “life turning events” than some others people.

It is not really just to want a man younger and maybe deprive him from finding someone else of his age. And not reallyu effective as a strategy.

I am sure that a man of your generation has more chances to embrace traditional values than a younger one. And will be more comprehensive as age related issues would appeared because he would live some…

sure, divorces create an important pool of middle age available man, but i pray that you find someone else that would answer your needs.
 
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