Destroyed by Porn--Reconstructing my Mind

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OnTheRock

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I’m in a serious relationship that’s on the rocks right now.

I came out of porn for good some time ago and am trying to date again. I’ve met an amazing young Catholic woman (of 19, we’re both in college. I’m 21) who’s purity is astounding. I knew when I met her that she is what a woman is supposed to be.

But I’m struggling because I was in a fantasy world for so long, that I have to re-teach myself so many things. I’ve been possessive in our relationship. Even though I knew I was being irrational every time, I still had emotional reactions to some things over the course of the relationship:
  1. She’s entering nursing school and would be around naked men.
  2. She had to get a physical examination from her doctor.
  3. When we went long-distance for the first time, I struggled with trust.
I got past these things as they arose. But as I keep encountering new things and continue to have emotional reactions to new situations, she’s been worn down and finally called me out on being possessive. As such, I noticed additionally that I place unreasonable demands on her and get upset too easily when she doesn’t act as I expected. The undercurrent seems to be the porn I grew up with, as it taught me that women are sub-rational and can’t think well, with no self-control, and want to be subjected under men. I seem to be struggling to view women as true persons.

I’m not looking for real therapy here, I’ll get that elsewhere. But what can I do? Do I need to let her go until I sort this out? Is that the right thing to do? Or can she help me? I’ve hurt her bad…

To anyone who has come out of pornography, can you recommend any sources or practices that helped to rebuild your conception of women?

And please pray for me.
 
I will pray for you. Once you got into porn, your emotional maturity stopped. I don’t know how long you were involved, but this point is to explain your current problem. Having a mature relationship means you have to be a mature young man. As of right now, you are not… The kindest thing you can do for your relationship is tell the truth about what the real problem is. You definitely need help, and probably should talk with a priest about where you are right now and where you would like to be in terms of proper development. You have suffered a tremendous spiritual problem and have lots of work to do.You need a spiritual advisor, receive the sacraments often, especially reconciliation and the Eucharist and ask God to help you with your maturity issues. All is not lost, at least you recognize what the problem is, that is half the battle. May God bless you and Jesus have mercy on you.
 
All I can suggest is to try to treat her as if she were our Holy Mother. You’d never mistrust Mary, would you? Remember that in nursing, she has chosen a profession that gives to the world.

:)Remember also that the males she will see naked will probably not look like the male porn stars.😃

It might help if you think how protective you might feel when she meets up with a patient who thinks that, because she is female, she owes it to him to “put out.” (And she will meet some.) Perhaps that will help you along your journey to realizing and/or accepting that she is a whole person.

It takes a while to heal from being part of the culture of death. I know! The best: Adoration. Take your woundedness there. Jesus is right there with you! Just being in His Presence is healing.

I pray that you succeed in healing from the porn damage! :crossrc:
 
OnTheRock said:
I’m in a serious relationship that’s on the rocks right now.

I came out of porn for good some time ago and am trying to date again. I’ve met an amazing young Catholic woman (of 19, we’re both in college. I’m 21) who’s purity is astounding. I knew when I met her that she is what a woman is supposed to be.

But I’m struggling because I was in a fantasy world for so long, that I have to re-teach myself so many things. I’ve been possessive in our relationship. Even though I knew I was being irrational every time, I still had emotional reactions to some things over the course of the relationship:
  1. She’s entering nursing school and would be around naked men.
  2. She had to get a physical examination from her doctor.
  3. When we went long-distance for the first time, I struggled with trust.
I got past these things as they arose. But as I keep encountering new things and continue to have emotional reactions to new situations, she’s been worn down and finally called me out on being possessive. As such, I noticed additionally that I place unreasonable demands on her and get upset too easily when she doesn’t act as I expected. The undercurrent seems to be the porn I grew up with, as it taught me that women are sub-rational and can’t think well, with no self-control, and want to be subjected under men. I seem to be struggling to view women as true persons.

I’m not looking for real therapy here, I’ll get that elsewhere. But what can I do? Do I need to let her go until I sort this out? Is that the right thing to do? Or can she help me? I’ve hurt her bad…

To anyone who has come out of pornography, can you recommend any sources or practices that helped to rebuild your conception of women?

And please pray for me.
Click to expand...
Only one thing worked for me… a personal plea to Jesus for assistance and strength.
This and maturity is all you really need.

Personal opin? The three issues you described are jealousy. You want her for yourself and you are struggling with these other items like they are personal relationships. I know, I’ve had those feelings myself. Porn didn’t do this to you, but you are doing this to yourself. It will take time, patience and practice to recognize that the professional relationships required in the medical field are just that. Not some “violation of your property.” It’s easy to understand a very personal and possessive interest in this woman. BTDT. The key to any good relationship is TRUST. Without it, yes, the relationship will struggle greatly.

Porn warps one’s perspective on the value of relationship. It takes years to get the images out of your mind, if they ever leave. There are multiple good programs out there but nothing will work without a dedication to a change of heart. You need to see women differently. ALL women. See them as they are meant to be seen: God’s greatest achievement. And above all of that, see them as your sister and be able to see how to treat them as God’s daughters. Then sir, you will have the most unimaginable freedom. The freedom to sacrifice yourself for your woman.

See, the fantasy world you talk about has you looking the wrong way at it. That world is all about what people can do for YOU. But the real world. The real man, sees it as what he can do for his neighbor, his bride, his Eve. How do you want to be loved? How does she? Real authentic love begins with God and is explained well, I think in this book “Theology of the Body for Beginners.” There are also many other good books on TOB, and that will only take you so far in becoming an authentic man ( I wish I could say I was there, but it’s a long road). I"ve been on this journey for 7 years now. Learning patience is part of the process, too.

Here’s another good book I like (and wished I had been able to read at your age): the Ten Commandments of Dating. If you had time for porn, there is part of the trouble right there. There is much you can learn from this book too. If you spend the time to listen to the messages in these two books, you can become worthy of the woman of your dreams… although your dreams do need to move from fantasy to reality.

One last resource that might be available in your area is “That Man is You” program. I have not participated but the men I know that have are OUTSTANDING Christians and know how treat others. You have to know how to feel about a person to treat them well.

Good luck with your future. Cling to those things that take you toward God and run from those that take you away.
 
I’ll vouch for “That Man Is You.” He took it not long after he “reverted.” It made a difference. Just another reason why I’m still totally besotted with him after 16 years of marriage!

Praying for you,
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

God’s Spirit is in my heart,
He has called me and set me apart.
This is what I have to do,
what I have to do.

He sent me to give the Good News to the poor,
Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more,
Tell blind people that they can see,
And set the downtrodden free
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come,
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come.

Just as the Father sent me,
So I’m sending you out to be
My witnesses throughout the world,
The whole of the world.

Don’t worry what you have to say,
Don’t worry because on that day
God’s Spirit will speak in your heart,
Will speak in your heart.
 
newbetx said:
Personal opin? The three issues you described are jealousy.
Click to expand...
I agree with that also, but would take it a step further. The OP sounds like a controlling person, and I would suggest counseling. His current path will lead to unhealthy relationships.
 
From your description, you might benefit from the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (see here), especially chapters 13 and 14. There may be other messages besides porn that you internalized which lead you to your present attitudes.
 
Thank you for the prayers, encouragement, and advice.

We have broken things off. This was very challenging but I think it is for the best. I have much growing to do.

My confessor/counselor is out of town, so I’ll continue here until he returns 🙂

I think there are some definite possessive/control issues and potential in me. But I never lost awareness that my emotional reactions were something that I had to get a grip on, and never something that she needed to accommodate or even accept. I’ve been doing some introspection and trying to uncover the principle(s) that I’m internalizing that lead to these emotions.

I know that I have sexualized the nursing vocation as well as the doctor’s visits from old porn use, which did lead to a feeling that I was being “cheated” in some way, leading in turn to a desire to “protect” her from these situations–which is absurd. I never acted on this, but she did feel like it was her fault that I felt this way began to grow uncertain about her future career. This wasn’t what I was after, however, and I reaffirmed her in her career choice and requested time to acclimate myself. I only needed to learn to draw the line between pornography’s caricature of nursing and the the real deal. But while I was able to intellectualize this, bringing the emotions in line took about a week of heavy emotional grinding in our relationship. Further, I think the principle in porn that women are easily overcome or seduced further breeds the mistrust I had to deal with.My conception of women was also reinforced by (regrettably) dating, years ago, a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac who cheated in our relationship. This was the first girl I’ve dated since her and since coming out of porn.

I also think that I struggle with self-forgiveness and feeling lovable–we both fell head first into the relationship and were very needy of one another. I think I need to come to an authentic love of self so as to not be so needy of another’s affirmation. I think I need to have my deep need for the love of another satisfied through a deeper relationship with God before I enter into any more serious relationships.

I am unsure of the causal relationship (if there is one) between possessive/controlling tendencies, pornography use, and the need to be loved and affirmed by another. But they all seem very related, and I think the first real step to healing is to find where it all begins.

In the meantime, I’m reading some books to build self esteem, as well as JPII on Theology of the Body and Love and Responsibility. I’ll also look into the literature and programs that you all have suggested for me.

Many thanks and please continue to pray for me. Also, please challenge me if you think I’m just making excuses. While I don’t want to start seeing problems that aren’t there, I don’t want my ego to get in the way of real healing.
 
I’m glad you broke it off, for her sake and yours. The one caution I would give you is not to go too far into “self-esteem,” or, “love for self.” Seek GOD first and all else will be given unto you. Don’t seek to love yourself, be a reflection of God’s love for humanity. Our society has gotten it quite wrong for a long time, with all this self-directed narcissism. One can love others through being like Christ, without an emphasis on self-esteem or self-love. In fact, porn is a twisted form of narcissistic self-love.

All the best, don’t forget to pray the rosary and spend time in adoration!
 
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