So, I’m having trouble detaching myself from the desire to be in a relationship. It seems like I want to be in a relationship more than anything else. This overwhelms my thoughts and even influences my motives (I try to go where I can go to meet guys, etc.). A priest told me to pray for detachment from this desire. Not because the desire is bad, of course, but because I will never be truly free if I’m obsessing over when God will send someone my way. For a little while, “detaching” my thoughts was working and I felt more content… but talking to friends in happy relationships, or even seeing guys who I have felt rejected by, knocks me back down. I want so much to be in a relationship or at least feel like a guy is interested in me. I struggle with self-worth and I really want to feel wanted or valued. I’m not sure why I think only a relationship with a man will bring me this. For the record, I’m mid-twenties and have never been in a relationship (with some failed attempts, which have fed my low self-confidence). I need to learn to find satisfaction in God alone, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I just can’t seem to do that. I love God, but do I not love Him enough, as I run to different things for fulfillment? How can I pray and sacrifice to get to a place of detachment? Any feedback would be great, thank you.
Sorry rosemerry, but the relationships you seem to be looking for is only to make yourself feel okay. It is actually using others to make you feel okay. This concept is unhealthy for any relationship.
You are not the only one who thinks like this. I too thought along the same lines. I used to believe that “If only someone would love me.” From this belief, I would try and get others to love me. I would put on the charm to deceive (denyingly) the other person that I am worth loving. It was all conditional love (more like lust). And when the other person responded to the way I hoped, I always felt unsatisfied, because deep down I knew it was not genuine, or not unconditional. No matter what I did to attract (bait) the other person, it always failed to last.
I believe a true relationship is with someone who is willing to be honest the the point of possible loss of the relationship. That is full exposure of self fears through truth. Both partners in the relationship being prepared to risk all for truth.
My partner and I speak more about truth than anything else. Every time I resist some responsibility, or self honesty, she would say “what are you afraid of?” I in turn respond as honest as I can. Each time, my ego gets humbled. So too for my partner. It has been the best relationship ever, for we trust each other, we never lie, and we never had an argument in over fifteen years. Plenty of discussions, but never argued. Our love for each other is unconditional. We love each other and not expect it from the other, because we know that love is about giving and not receiving. When my partner says “I love you”, I say “Yes I know” because it is mutual.
Both of us have the love of God/Truth before any other love. We support each other in that regard to the full. If my partner wants to be alone for a spiritual retreat for an indefinite period, she is free to do so without any resistance from me. Her spiritual growth is more important than anything I can offer, and visa-versa. God comes first, for without God, our relationship would have fallen apart long time ago out of egocentric greed for validation from others.
True love comes from within, from God. Not from others.
I find that the key to a healthy relationship is to be honest and true. If your partner can’t handle it, then deceptions will be played out. A deception is not truthful, and causes all sorts of fears, like disappointments, resentments, jealousy, envy, suspicion, doubt, mistrust, etc, etc.
