Detest my husband now

  • Thread starter Thread starter joeysmith
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

joeysmith

Guest
Hello,

I am writing because I just need to hear what other people might do.

My husband started off great, we were friends etc. Fast forward four kids and several moves and he is a bully and has wasted A LOT of money trying to make more money. I tried supporting him…we just ended up with huge piles of work to get through. I tried suggesting a more simple life…he feels I don’t support his choices for our family.

I TRIED every virtue and just got walked all over…now I detest him as a bully, gaslighter and coward (won’t face our issues and will only blame others).
My friends said a long time ago that they would have left such a marriage way before now (I’m still here) because EVERYTHING IS SOMEONE ELSE’s fault.

BTW, promises to go to Mass just never get kept so I am also deeply hurt.

I said a long time ago we needed to spend time together and re-find our friendship and be lovers once more. He agreed but said he was under pressure and tired.

What more can a person want than a wife who is willing to have a simple small house and not go to work so she can care for everyone? I really tried living “charity” but really it seemed to just make things worse as if it was a green light to grind me into the ground. Now I am definitely cold and impatient.

I just wrote this because his friend wanted to see him and he made arrangements to go out. We have not been out on a date for two years. TIRED OF TRYING.
 
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been divorced from an abuser, but I have no answers, just some thoughts.

Do you want to stay? You have four children, so how your situation is affecting them is crucial. Is your husband abusive to them, or does he bully them? Do they have a decent relationship with him?

Clearly it’s important to you that you get an evening out together. I would ask him to set a date for that. I don’t know what you can say that will encourage him to do so, but he needs to know it’s important. “You have time for your friends. You need to make time for me. What evening would you like to set to go out to dinner?”

It would be good for both of you to discuss your goals, and see if you can agree on some of them. A simple life sounds ideal to me, but maybe not to him. It sounds to me like he might be scared of the challenge of having to support his family. People tend to get worked up and become bullies when they’re afraid.

I would recommend that you not take it personally that he doesn’t keep his promises to go to mass. He’s hurting himself and maybe God, but not you.
Being cold and impatient will not improve matters, as I’m sure you know. Perhaps you need to be assertive while remaining charitable; “speaking the truth in love.”

I hope you can convince him to go to counseling with you. Divorce hurts children. I’ve seen what it did to mine.
You’re in my prayers.
 
Thanks Viki,

I’m sorry to hear that you got a divorce and it didn’t work out so well for you. You’re very courageous to be so honest. I have thought about it quite a bit recently. I’ve noticed I’ve become selfish, which is unusual but perhaps it’s because I’ve been left alone and have only my own imagination to keep me company.

My husband is a GREAT DAD. He is available, loving and yes, you have been very perceptive in seeing that he does worry about providing. This is an admirable trait, however I feel his ears turned wooden when I started sounding the alarm that we were drowning in tasks. So much work. At one time we had four constructions going on while living in a partially renovated home. I really wanted to be a saintly wife but somehow now have become too tired and withered to muster up to courage to keep going. My hurts weigh a lot.

As I said, we used to be best friends. I always think “did I marry the wrong man?”. But the answer is no. We were great for each other, even our difference in faith life seemed like a reason to marry, since he seemed open to joining me (he comes from a lapsed family). Why I went to the bottom of the pile, I can’t say. My friends say it is because I am too kind and that kindness is often mistaken for weakness. They say when you’re forgiving etc, people mostly and subconsciously take it as a ticket to repeat that behaviour. When I feel badgered I do get snarly after a point and this is where I am now.

So this is really just a case of the housplant that didn’t get watered. What can you do when you’re just a bunch of dry leaves? I have tried saying the Rosary daily and am still committed to this but am now thinking that prayers are actually useless because God is obviously busy right now (probably dealing with the Amazon Synod).

I want my kids to see a robust, warm and loving couple as their parents, not just two people bringing them up 😦
 
How bad is your debt?
How many hours is he working?
How many hours are you working?
Do you both work for a company or for yourselves?
Who pays the bills (as in who writes the checks)?
How are your kids doing (like are they acting out? Are their grades okay)
What would happen if you cut back your hours?

I don’t need an answer. Just some things for you to reflect on.
 
joeysmith said:
So much work. At one time we had four constructions going on while living in a partially renovated home.
Click to expand...
So you had five, including the small house you’re in under construction?
Is that all done now? If so, have more jobs been started and it continues?
 
Last edited:
There’s a one renovation to finish on a house to sell, a block of land to dress and our own house still to renovate (half done). All this and we have no fluid cash as it’s all invested! I don’t mind frugality, but he worries about fluidity as we can’t sell these investments until the work is finished.

He asked me to go to law school so that after all his business ventures are done, we can just live off that. So I am a full-time law student!

If it’s living pressure that makes him domineering (out of worry or whatever) then I’m not cool with that as I really did only want a simple home, and money (apart from the necessaries of living), from experience, just makes a rod for your back.
 
Wait, go to law school so you can
“Just live off that” ??? What the actual? Does he think you finish school and people throw money at you?
Completing law school, taking and passing the bar and finding a job are not easy peasy.
You should not be cool with domineering for whatever the reason.
Don’t grow a wishbone where your backbone should be.
Prayers for you all.
 
Sorry if I missed it but where is the income coming from?

Being so busy is not what God wants for you. (I speak from experience, at one point in our lives: Four houses, four kids, stay at home wife and one income.)

Even though not finished to your liking, can the almost done house be put on the market?

What’s does “land to dress” mean, subdivide?

btw: Men handle anxiety differently. Anger, lashing out, moody, booze, quiet etc are all on the table. With all the busy chores he’s bound to crack somewhere. Here’s one of many articles on the web.

 
Last edited:
joeysmith said:
What more can a person want than a wife who is willing to have a simple small house and not go to work so she can care for everyone?
Click to expand...
When you were dating, before you were married, what future did you discuss?

Did you share with him that you want to be a stay at home mom with a small house? Did he tell you he wanted to have a mansion and a boat and live in on a golf course, where you both worked to live the high life? Maybe, did you think he would change and come to appreciate a simple life?
 
joeysmith said:
He asked me to go to law school so that after all his business ventures are done, we can just live off that. So I am a full-time law student!
Click to expand...
Yikes, I don’t consider that to be the best plan if you are already in debt, unless you have a full or near-full scholarship. Law school is incredibly expensive, and starting salaries are actually usually not that great, especially in comparison to what you spend in tuition. Most students leave with crushing debt. Unless law school is really your dream and you want to work as a lawyer the rest of your life to pay off the student loan debt, that seems to me to be not the best plan.

I don’t want to discourage you if you enjoy the study of law and are looking forward to practicing as an attorney; many people of course find it rewarding. But if it is not the life you want and you are just doing it to go along with your husband’s plan, it’s a lot to take on. How far along are you in law school?
 
So you are both living under major stress: law school, 4 kids, ongoing construction projects, financial stressors.
That would account for both your husband’s and your own feelings and reactions.

You need to choose an evening – ideally once a week, realistically maybe every 3 weeks – to destress and communicate. I bet that would help a lot. You might both get to see how the other feels.

Tell him you have to put work into a relationship, just like you do into work or school or child raising. It doesn’t happen by itself.

God is not too busy to listen to you. He is probably waiting for you both to see that you’ve gotten yourselves into this situation and need to be loving each other and trusting Him to get out of it.
 
I would suggest counselling ASAP, and go alone if your husband won’t go with you. There are too many issues here. You need some professional help with this.

I think that no matter what, you have to keep your children at the very top of your packed “list.” They have to come first. And you have to be scrupulously (sorry fellow Catholics) careful NOT to bad-mouth your husband in front of your children, or use them as a “sounding board” for your misery! It’s important that your children respect their father and their mother. Kids can live with fighting parents and money woes, but when one parent diminishes the other parent, the kids grow up with a warped view of the opposite sex, of marriage, of trust, of friendship, and of God. When they hear the phrase “We are the bride of Christ,” or something along those lines, they withdraw and say, “No way! I can’t trust God.”

So be careful. Hopefully your kids are blissfully unaware of the seriousness of your issues, and they think Mom and Dad are just tired and grouchy because of all the extra work. They’ll live with that, but living with a broken home and two parents in an all-out war is not at all good for them.

Please look for a good counselor. I hope this is helpful not hurtful.
 
Peeps said:
And you have to be scrupulously (sorry fellow Catholics) careful NOT to bad-mouth your husband in front of your children, or use them as a “sounding board” for your misery! It’s important that your children respect their father and their mother.
Click to expand...
Very good advice both legally and practically. But why sorry fellow Catholics?
 
F_Marturana said:
But why sorry fellow Catholics?
Click to expand...
Because “scrupulosity” seems to be a problem for some Catholics.

I’ve read quite a few posts here on CAF from people who go to Reconciliation, and within minutes, feel that they need to go back to Reconciliation, and it keeps going on like that–they can never feel “forgiven” and they constantly worry that they have committed a mortal sin and therefore aren’t able to receive Jesus in Holy Communion.

So I hate to use such a loaded “trigger” word. But it was the word I wanted for this woman–to be extremely extremely careful to guard her children’s emotional development.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top