Detraction on CAF

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JLCecilia

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DH and I watched a movie called ‘Disconnect’ on NYE and it drove home one of the worst things I’m guilty of: detraction. Especially here. It’s so easy b/c it’s anonymous. In the movie, the wife finds consolation in an online chat room following the death of her baby and even though she isn’t romantically interested in the other person, she shares very private details about hers and her DH’s relationship. The movie shows the DH’s reaction to learning of this and it just gave me a lump in my throat. I was sort of hoping MY DH would give his piece of mind on the matter to guage his thoughts, but I’m not sure it’s totally necessary - I’m sure they’re close to what the movie portrays. I’m sure he has some idea that I share w/ my GF things about us he would NEVER share with anyone else. Add to this 2 amazing articles I read: Ways Women are Blowing Their Marriages and Emotional Pornography. Check and check!

Man, I was reading through a book on Confession before receiving the sacrament and it speaks of even WRITING poorly of others. I think about how many of my journal entries deal with my frustration with others and I’m thinking now maybe I shouldn’t even be writing THAT down! I have to say, I’d be mortified if anyone ever read my thoughts, although, I doubt they’d be surprised how dark my heart is. I wish the virtue of being a forthright, honest person came more naturally.
 
That is one reason why I don’t keep a journal; if I don’t want someone to read it, I don’t want it written down. :o
 
When I reverted to the Catholic Church I burned all my journals and diaries. My desire is to love all and not hurt anyone, even by something I wrote/felt in the past.
 
KrazyKat said:
When I reverted to the Catholic Church I burned all my journals and diaries. My desire is to love all and not hurt anyone, even by something I wrote/felt in the past.
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What a great idea! If I ever DO go back and read over them, it’s as if I’m just drudging up and dwelling on old injuries. Too bad, though, this stuff online is permanent.
 
Boy do I wish! I should give up CAF and FB this year - I’m rarely on here doing any good anyway. Better to stay off and not share the negativity.
 
It is a bad spiritual habit to put other people down and to consider yourself better than others. Having said that, consider what the catechism teaches about sins against the truth:

*2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.277 He becomes guilty:
  • of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
  • of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;278
  • of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.
**2478 **To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. and if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.279

**2479 **Detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor. Honor is the social witness given to human dignity, and everyone enjoys a natural right to the honor of his name and reputation and to respect. Thus, detraction and calumny offend against the virtues of justice and charity.
*

This is a good place a) for each of us to teach each other to avoid the rash judgment we are prone to when we are upset and in the heat of the moment, because people removed from the situation can advise us and b) for us to ask questions in a place where the reputations of the people involved can be spared. We post anonymously, but we also ask in a place and can ask in a way where no one can possibly know who we are talking about.

IOW, I think the forum poses a real danger of offenses against the truth, but it also presents a place to ask difficult questions without harming the reputations of, hurting the feelings of, or starting an ill-advised round of strife with the actual persons involved. I have gone directly to the persons involved myself without first getting outside advice, and I can tell you it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made! Discrete counsel can save us from many follies!

We do have to be careful that we don’t give others cynical attitudes towards humanity in general, but on the whole I think this forum at least gives an opportunity for people to consider how to handle the grievances in their lives in a positive way, often avoiding the harm that can be done by rashly talking to those actually involved or else by saying nothing to anyone and proceeding on our own vision alone.
 
JLCecilia said:
… I have to say, I’d be mortified if anyone ever read my thoughts, although, I doubt they’d be surprised how dark my heart is. I wish the virtue of being a forthright, honest person came more naturally.
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You might want to consider finding a discrete friend or a spiritual advisor. In the meantime, write and speak as if you will be overheard. It does wonders…and some day, you will be! 😉 😃
 
crystal_waters said:
Dont give up caf 😃 …Just give up fb 😉
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I think about giving up CAF all of the time, because I just spend too much time here. Various strategies at limiting my time (and yes, there have been some :p) have proved utterly futile. The only problem is that if I’m not here, I tend to waste time somewhere else. It is the wasting of time that is my issue, I think, and not some particular avenue I’ve found to do it, alas!
 
ccmcmg said:
that would explain the flame wars 😉 (does anyone even use that term anymore?) 🙂

Back to your regularly scheduled topic…
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I dunno, but you brought back memories :slapfight: of some other times, other places.

I struggle with Charity, Gentleness, and Humility, as well. I, too, have journals that should make their way to the burn pile. I have a private party planned for 7/31/14, the 1 year anniversary of my Confirmation (after a 25 year long conversion process), and the 7th anniversary of the all-time lowest point of my life. I want to be able to close that circle in a big way, being able to see what God has done, then burn the evidence that will implicate my husband and others should my children ever stumble upon those books.

JLC–I think you should just be pleased with the progress you are making, and as you leave it in the confessional, sin no more and amend your life :hug3:but maybe that’s because it’s what I really what I want to hear, too.
 
Tablefor9 said:
I dunno, but you brought back memories :slapfight: of some other times, other places.

I struggle with Charity, Gentleness, and Humility, as well. I, too, have journals that should make their way to the burn pile. I have a private party planned for 7/31/14, the 1 year anniversary of my Confirmation (after a 25 year long conversion process), and the 7th anniversary of the all-time lowest point of my life. I want to be able to close that circle in a big way, being able to see what God has done, then burn the evidence that will implicate my husband and others should my children ever stumble upon those books.

JLC–I think you should just be pleased with the progress you are making, and as you leave it in the confessional, sin no more and amend your life :hug3:but maybe that’s because it’s what I really what I want to hear, too.
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I love that idea.
Sometimes I have “death-days” when I (hypothetically ;)) have passed on and I have to go through all of my stuff. Whatever ends up in the thrift-box or the trash is there for good. If I owe any type of debt I try to make it right (sometimes just a thank you card, or an apology).
The past few months I’ve been going through old notebooks (I never kept a journal, but I still wrote a lot of stuff down) and I’ve been destroying anything that isn’t worth keeping or shouldn’t be read.
I remember, when my grandparents’ estate was being settled, their house was filled with junk that wasn’t worth donating. The family filled a big dumpster and had it hauled away. I never wanted to end up like that, hence the “death-days.”
 
SecretaryMonday said:
I love that idea.
Sometimes I have “death-days” when I (hypothetically ;)) have passed on and I have to go through all of my stuff. Whatever ends up in the thrift-box or the trash is there for good. If I owe any type of debt I try to make it right (sometimes just a thank you card, or an apology).
The past few months I’ve been going through old notebooks (I never kept a journal, but I still wrote a lot of stuff down) and I’ve been destroying anything that isn’t worth keeping or shouldn’t be read.
I remember, when my grandparents’ estate was being settled, their house was filled with junk that wasn’t worth donating. The family filled a big dumpster and had it hauled away. I never wanted to end up like that, hence the “death-days.”
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Remarkable idea!
 
SecretaryMonday said:
That is one reason why I don’t keep a journal; if I don’t want someone to read it, I don’t want it written down. :o
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I have some old writings (from my youth) that contain a lot of negativity and foolishness. I was conflicted about getting rid of them, but they are no longer related to who I am. Perhaps I will be emboldened by your example.
 
EasterJoy has a number of good points about posting on here. Deliberately rolling around in negativity and nastiness is bad, of course, but sometimes one needs an outside perspective on certain situations, and if you don’t have a friend who can listen to you and offer (if necessary) good advice without bringing the topic up over and over again, online forums are sometimes a great place to go.

I had a really abusive childhood and teenagerhood (if that’s even a word?), and kept journals through most of my teenage years. While there’s nothing in them that I regret writing, they are quite dark in some places; I was suicidal a lot, terribly lonely, and very depressed. I’ve toyed with the idea of burning them because I wouldn’t want anyone else reading them, but I haven’t because they’re one of the few things I have from that period, so I’ve been loath to get rid of them. Now that I’m pregnant, I know I would never want my daughter to read them, so I’m inclined towards keeping them in a locked box, giving my husband the key, and instructing him to burn them when I die.
 
UbiCaritas said:
I had a really abusive childhood and teenagerhood (if that’s even a word?), and kept journals through most of my teenage years. While there’s nothing in them that I regret writing, they are quite dark in some places; I was suicidal a lot, terribly lonely, and very depressed. I’ve toyed with the idea of burning them because I wouldn’t want anyone else reading them, but I haven’t because they’re one of the few things I have from that period, so I’ve been loath to get rid of them. Now that I’m pregnant, I know I would never want my daughter to read them, so I’m inclined towards keeping them in a locked box, giving my husband the key, and instructing him to burn them when I die.
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If you ever have an *adult *child who believes you just don’t know what it is to be depressed or that you are being a Pollyanna when you preach about getting through difficult times, those may prove eye-opening. I would not want a child to read something like that about me, particularly not my child, but having an adult child read them after I was gone might not be such a bad thing. You may even want to go back and put in dated notations concerning what you knew later that you did not know at the time. That makes them part of the history of the family.

Look at the Bible, after all. What makes it a remarkable religious text is the willingness to put in the parts of the story that shows the warts on the characters, even admirable characters like Moses, King David, and King Solomon, not to mention Peter and Paul. Knowing that your heroes had their dark times and missteps and periods of spiritual blindness can be very encouraging, when you know those heroes, by the grace of God, got up and got beyond.
 
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