detraction

[angell1]

in the catechism, it says that detraction is the disclosing of faults of failings without objectively valid reasons

what would these reasons be?

is asking for advice valid? what about looking for consolation?

should we ever even be talking to friends or spouses about our problems or should we only talk to a priest?

does it make a difference if you keep the person anonymous? or if the person you’re telling doesn’t know them.

I understand how it would be sinful if you’re just saying things for no reasons to spread something or laugh at someone, or to make yourself feel superior.

or do we just put too much emphasis on the need to confide? maybe we don’t need to discuss our problems?

people tend to confide a lot of stuff to me for some reason and I don’t know if I should let them. I mean they are talking about others faults but it’s usually because they are upset or hurt. but we are also called to comfort people so I don’t know. and in my uncertainty, I don’t really do a lot of confiding except on here because I’m afraid it might somehow be wrong. because when I do something wrong, I don’t necessarily like people talking about it. but maybe that’s just my pride.

any thoughts?

 

[Bookcat]

in the catechism, it says that detraction is the disclosing of faults of failings without objectively valid reasons

what would these reasons be?

is asking for advice valid? what about looking for consolation?

yes both can be valid reasons (one of course makes a judgment in each case - ie I ought not say go to someone who I know will just tell everyone else etc)

 

[porthos11]

in the catechism, it says that detraction is the disclosing of faults of failings without objectively valid reasons

what would these reasons be?

is asking for advice valid? what about looking for consolation?

should we ever even be talking to friends or spouses about our problems or should we only talk to a priest?

does it make a difference if you keep the person anonymous? or if the person you’re telling doesn’t know them.

I understand how it would be sinful if you’re just saying things for no reasons to spread something or laugh at someone, or to make yourself feel superior.

or do we just put too much emphasis on the need to confide? maybe we don’t need to discuss our problems?

people tend to confide a lot of stuff to me for some reason and I don’t know if I should let them. I mean they are talking about others faults but it’s usually because they are upset or hurt. but we are also called to comfort people so I don’t know. and in my uncertainty, I don’t really do a lot of confiding except on here because I’m afraid it might somehow be wrong. because when I do something wrong, I don’t necessarily like people talking about it. but maybe that’s just my pride.

any thoughts?

Detraction is the disclosing of someone else’s faults/failings/sins, not your own, without valid reason.

You can talk about your own issues to anyone. Whether you should is another question altogether.

 

[Joe_5859]

in the catechism, it says that detraction is the disclosing of faults of failings without objectively valid reasons

what would these reasons be?

is asking for advice valid? what about looking for consolation?

should we ever even be talking to friends or spouses about our problems or should we only talk to a priest?

does it make a difference if you keep the person anonymous? or if the person you’re telling doesn’t know them.

I understand how it would be sinful if you’re just saying things for no reasons to spread something or laugh at someone, or to make yourself feel superior.

or do we just put too much emphasis on the need to confide? maybe we don’t need to discuss our problems?

people tend to confide a lot of stuff to me for some reason and I don’t know if I should let them. I mean they are talking about others faults but it’s usually because they are upset or hurt. but we are also called to comfort people so I don’t know. and in my uncertainty, I don’t really do a lot of confiding except on here because I’m afraid it might somehow be wrong. because when I do something wrong, I don’t necessarily like people talking about it. but maybe that’s just my pride.

any thoughts?

I agree with Bookcat. Both can be valid reasons to speak about another person’s faults. Discernment is always called for. Detraction would not apply if you are speaking about someone anonymously as their reputation cannot be damaged if no one knows who they are. I think that sometimes it can be a fine line between seeking comfort and perpetual griping.

All that said, if people are coming to you in a state of hurt, that probably isn’t the best time to let them know they are guilty of detraction. If the same person is always coming up to you and complaining about others, there may come a time when it would be appropriate to encourage them to spend more time focused on joyful things. But my threshold for that is generally pretty high.

 

[AttendeDomine]

in the catechism, it says that detraction is the disclosing of faults of failings without objectively valid reasons

what would these reasons be?

I think St. Thomas Aquinas listed three main types of traits the disclosure of faults should have:

(1) They should be charitable, i.e., they should be made out of a sincere love for another person—understanding “love” as willing the good of another—and they should be ordered towards their salvation or even their natural well-being.

(2) They should be proportionate and just: no exaggerations or other sorts of rhetorical flourishes meant to dramatize someone’s short-comings. Just the simple facts with an extremely healthy dose of fairness and even-handedness thrown in for good measure.

(3) They should be necessary. Simply wanting to vent about someone is not a sufficient reason to list all of the ways in which we think that person is an awful human being. There should be a genuine *need *to discuss this person.

If our commenting on another person lacks any one of these three traits, it should be avoided and, I would think, in most cases would be a venial sin if engaged in.

In terms of discussing our problems, well, I think it’s wonderful to be able to talk things over with someone who loves us. BUT … a lot of people, myself included, get a certain pleasure out of complaining, and the desire for this pleasure to be satiated often is our primary motivation when we talk about our problems.

We have to distinguish, therefore, between prudently seeking council and consolation, on the one hand, and simply wanting to get our jollies out of complaining, on the other.

Getting a kick out of whining is a vice, and the more it’s engaged in, the more we want to do it.

 

[e_c]

The need must be proportional to the damage done. It’s a matter of prudence and wisdom.

Simply wanting to vent about someone is not a sufficient reason to list all of the ways in which we think that person is an awful human being. There should be a genuine need to discuss this person.

Here’s a question: could there ever be a legitimate “need to vent” to at least some degree? Or would this always somehow include the vice of vanity, i.e. you only “need to vent” because you’re vain? How would someone deal with that with his or her spouse claiming he or she “needs to vent,” ALL THE TIME?

I have an opinion (go figure) but am interested in what others have to say.