D
DevastatedDad
Guest
Hello, all. I am desparately seeking advice. I am in my early forties, married old and have a daughter under school age. I am Catholic and very serious about living rightly and in the truth as taught by the Church. I am pro-life and believe that 57,000,000 murders cannot be ignored in true faith and justice, certainly not in support of those who would vote to support laws against doctors’ pro-life conscience. While I embrace the more reverent Mass, I believe that the Pope and all priests are validly ordained merely by the imposition of (either, and one or both) hands in silence, regardless of the words of prayers said otherwise. I say all this to show that I’m not sedevacantist.
I’m also not liberal (in the sense of poor morals), or prefer not to be. But, of all my acquaintances and family, I know of no-one personally with whom I can confide my troubles or seek help, even at church. I am alone even among people, and no-one cares. Priests, including diocesan personnel, to whom I have tried to talk say I’m too “intense” (But then, how would they regard a SAINT?!), I want “someone else to [seek friends] for” me (whereas I was just asking for resources or where to seek help) and they “can’t” help me. I think they’re in denial that a Catholic man could be devastated by a gravely serious marital problem. But most of the N.E. USA is like this.
Anyway, in regard to my problem… my wife, who had “joined” the church before we met, claimed to want to learn to be more Catholic as we were getting to know each other, but clearly has never really grasped the truth and morals of the faith, has basically abandoned learning it, openly (to me only) denies its truth, grace and worth, dishonors our marriage with things she has gotten involved in, and frequently (in speaking to me only) accuses the church of condemning her (for past scandal) and her “friends” (not just their acts, for homosexuality, adultery, non-Catholic beliefs and even mental illness). Note that I try to tell her that the church and I do NOT condemn the PERSONS, but only the sins. She just cannot grasp the difference. Her belief, that OBEYING GOD is just trying to be “better” than others, as well as other problems, seems to be a texbook invincible ignorance. She had been Lutheran (nominally, of course), and she went through a few other denomiations before we met. In recent years, I think she’s been embracing some “spiritualist” ideas, including Miguel Ruiz’s (BLASPHEMOUSLY DANGEROUS) “Four Agreements” (that denies that people can be guilty of sin, as well as “redefining” impeccability), or she may be finding in these things some “affirmation” of her own prior, continuous beliefs.
This is destroying our marriage (if it is one) and risking the Catholic upbringing of our daughter.
I think it is a risk because she has frequently threatened (civil) divorce. Of course, I believe that divorce is only a civil matter; a marriage is valid unless declared null (from the start), and only if it truly always has been null from the start – not “made” so. I think I can’t even risk going to counseling or getting us both in it, because it would risk the threat of divorce. Catholic Charities counseling, Retrovaille and Marriage Encounter seem pointless given what they do (or really DON’T do), since it seems impossible that she would change her ways, behavior and false beliefs. If anything is to improve, it HAS to be that, in order to truly live in grace, grow in Christ, repudiate grave sin and error, and ensure our daughter’s upbringing in the faith without corruption. “Communication” is not enough!
Even her parents admit to me that she may have a mental illness. Doctors, due to legal limits, could not tell them what it is (and notably didn’t say that nothing is wrong). As implied above, she denies guilt for serious wrongs. She frequently has problems knowing, doing or even understanding common sense, as her parents have seen. She refuses to take and follow even the most basic, understanding or charitable constructive criticism, even from her mother. She frequently becomes very angry with advice, criticism or lack of recognition for her college education (Associate in Early Childhood Education). She has difficulty with math, even having to write down a problem like 150+75 to solve it. While anyone does occassionally let food sit out and spoil, she does so almost daily and frequently in a day. Her bedroom is piled a couple feet high with hangers, clothing, boxes, binders, etc., and no paths. House-cleaning is rare, except dishes and excessive laundry. Even when we mutually decide to clean, she does her laundry “first” and then nothing else, usually. She has panic attacks, especially a cripling fear of driving. She screams at me for the slightest unusual situation when I drive, including when I pull into a driveway or make a three-point turn (in perfect safety) to turn around after an incorrect turn. She complains bitterly about being cold even in room temperature. She over-dresses our daughter for cool outdoor air in coats that seem like they would make her boil. She has gone in “shock” stand-still when our daughter was hurt, rather than join in helping. She frequently drops her part of a task when someone comes to help her with it. She spends HOURS, DAILY, on Facebook and other sites, on virtually all her free time (or at the expense of chores), late into most nights; while that may be a civil liberty, it is most certainly an uncharity to our family (but we need Internet for my job). She spends little genuinely desirable play time with our daughter, frequently to the point of poor supervision. She was working in a daycare center five blocks away, but they fired her after nine months and frequent observations that she wasn’t supervising the children well enough. While she did file for unemployment compensation (and is awaiting contact about it), she is not making any effort to get a job.
[Continued]
I’m also not liberal (in the sense of poor morals), or prefer not to be. But, of all my acquaintances and family, I know of no-one personally with whom I can confide my troubles or seek help, even at church. I am alone even among people, and no-one cares. Priests, including diocesan personnel, to whom I have tried to talk say I’m too “intense” (But then, how would they regard a SAINT?!), I want “someone else to [seek friends] for” me (whereas I was just asking for resources or where to seek help) and they “can’t” help me. I think they’re in denial that a Catholic man could be devastated by a gravely serious marital problem. But most of the N.E. USA is like this.
Anyway, in regard to my problem… my wife, who had “joined” the church before we met, claimed to want to learn to be more Catholic as we were getting to know each other, but clearly has never really grasped the truth and morals of the faith, has basically abandoned learning it, openly (to me only) denies its truth, grace and worth, dishonors our marriage with things she has gotten involved in, and frequently (in speaking to me only) accuses the church of condemning her (for past scandal) and her “friends” (not just their acts, for homosexuality, adultery, non-Catholic beliefs and even mental illness). Note that I try to tell her that the church and I do NOT condemn the PERSONS, but only the sins. She just cannot grasp the difference. Her belief, that OBEYING GOD is just trying to be “better” than others, as well as other problems, seems to be a texbook invincible ignorance. She had been Lutheran (nominally, of course), and she went through a few other denomiations before we met. In recent years, I think she’s been embracing some “spiritualist” ideas, including Miguel Ruiz’s (BLASPHEMOUSLY DANGEROUS) “Four Agreements” (that denies that people can be guilty of sin, as well as “redefining” impeccability), or she may be finding in these things some “affirmation” of her own prior, continuous beliefs.
This is destroying our marriage (if it is one) and risking the Catholic upbringing of our daughter.
I think it is a risk because she has frequently threatened (civil) divorce. Of course, I believe that divorce is only a civil matter; a marriage is valid unless declared null (from the start), and only if it truly always has been null from the start – not “made” so. I think I can’t even risk going to counseling or getting us both in it, because it would risk the threat of divorce. Catholic Charities counseling, Retrovaille and Marriage Encounter seem pointless given what they do (or really DON’T do), since it seems impossible that she would change her ways, behavior and false beliefs. If anything is to improve, it HAS to be that, in order to truly live in grace, grow in Christ, repudiate grave sin and error, and ensure our daughter’s upbringing in the faith without corruption. “Communication” is not enough!
Even her parents admit to me that she may have a mental illness. Doctors, due to legal limits, could not tell them what it is (and notably didn’t say that nothing is wrong). As implied above, she denies guilt for serious wrongs. She frequently has problems knowing, doing or even understanding common sense, as her parents have seen. She refuses to take and follow even the most basic, understanding or charitable constructive criticism, even from her mother. She frequently becomes very angry with advice, criticism or lack of recognition for her college education (Associate in Early Childhood Education). She has difficulty with math, even having to write down a problem like 150+75 to solve it. While anyone does occassionally let food sit out and spoil, she does so almost daily and frequently in a day. Her bedroom is piled a couple feet high with hangers, clothing, boxes, binders, etc., and no paths. House-cleaning is rare, except dishes and excessive laundry. Even when we mutually decide to clean, she does her laundry “first” and then nothing else, usually. She has panic attacks, especially a cripling fear of driving. She screams at me for the slightest unusual situation when I drive, including when I pull into a driveway or make a three-point turn (in perfect safety) to turn around after an incorrect turn. She complains bitterly about being cold even in room temperature. She over-dresses our daughter for cool outdoor air in coats that seem like they would make her boil. She has gone in “shock” stand-still when our daughter was hurt, rather than join in helping. She frequently drops her part of a task when someone comes to help her with it. She spends HOURS, DAILY, on Facebook and other sites, on virtually all her free time (or at the expense of chores), late into most nights; while that may be a civil liberty, it is most certainly an uncharity to our family (but we need Internet for my job). She spends little genuinely desirable play time with our daughter, frequently to the point of poor supervision. She was working in a daycare center five blocks away, but they fired her after nine months and frequent observations that she wasn’t supervising the children well enough. While she did file for unemployment compensation (and is awaiting contact about it), she is not making any effort to get a job.
[Continued]