Devastated- Just found out husband is pro-choice

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Lourdes33

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I’m a prolife practicing Catholic. I was taught the important questions to ask to discern whether or not an individual will be a good spouse. When I met my husband 5 yrs ago he was “pro-choice” on the occasion of rape & incest. Throughout our dating years I would bring it up, educate him more & he seemed to almost be in full acknowledgement that it’s murder & immoral. He agreed to practice NFP that our children will be raised Catholic so I recognized him as a good match & married him.

We had a baby 2 mo ago & his mother recently shared that my husband’s neice found out she is pregnant. She went on to say that she believes his niece should have an abortion. Disgusted, I cut our visit politely & sent her on her way.

That evening I tried to tell my husband how disgusted I was & that I don’t want his mother coming over to visit our baby without him present anymore. He got instantly upset (so upset that he didn’t even hear most of what I said). He agreed that his niece should have an abortion & that he thinks of babies as parasites in the phase where women aren’t showing. He also said he would prefer an abortion if he knew his child was going to have a mental disability.

I shared every single week of development w/ pictures during my pregnancy with him. He was there to feel her kick & be born. He was there when I wept & grieved over my 2 miscarriages a year before our daughter was born.

How can he have those beliefs & attack me for saying how disgusted I was with his mother’s views?

He apologized later for attacking me & we had some respectful semi open dialogue but I’m still so deeply hurt & don’t know what to do but pray.
 
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As this is something that will more than likely be an abstract disagreement you have with him and not something that is likely to have any practical effect on your marriage, I suggest that you focus on what you like about your husband and the good things he brings to the marriage and not about a political/moral.issue that doesn’t really matter.
 
There is this saying, “You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You are right in your beliefs but your expression of them was wrong. Using words like “sent her on her way,” that you are disgusted, and saying that your MIL isn’t welcome in your home unless your husband is present is extremely disrespectful and it’s understandable that your husband would immediately be on the defensive.

There is nothing wrong with being passionate about eliminating abortion; but, you need to do so in the right voice. Instead of dismissing your MIL you could have said, “I don’t agree with you that abortion is the answer; if you want to hear my reasons we can talk about it; but, I also don’t want to fight with you so agreeing to disagree might be for the best.”

My husband and I have different views on abortion; but, we know we have the same values. Keeping the focus on how we express those values in our own lives and our own marriage makes the wider abortion debate unimportant in our intimate lives.
 
Lourdes33 said:
That evening I tried to tell my husband how disgusted I was & that I don’t want his mother coming over to visit our baby without him present anymore.
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Don’t you think that’s a little bit over the top? Perhaps your pregnancy and post partum hormones are clouding your judgment and making you overly emotional. I think that’s a bit much, this is your husband’s mother.
Lourdes33 said:
He got instantly upset (so upset that he didn’t even hear most of what I said).
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I can understand that!
Lourdes33 said:
He agreed that his niece should have an abortion & that he thinks of babies as parasites in the phase where women aren’t showing. He also said he would prefer an abortion if he knew his child was going to have a mental disability.
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So I suggest you take a step back and both calm down. Perhaps he was lashing out because he was angry you would issue such an ultimatum regarding his mother.
Lourdes33 said:
How can he have those beliefs & attack me for saying how disgusted I was with his mother’s views?
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How about you back down from being “disgusted” by his mother? I do think that’s really over the top. Not everyone is going to share your beliefs. That doesn’t mean you ban them from your life.

You and he need to talk calmly. I can suggest the book Pro-Life Answers to Pro-Choice Arguments by Randy Alcorn-- I believe there is an updated version of his book. I suggest you get that book, read it together, and discuss. It is a much more rational approach than name calling.
 
I appreciate your point on focusing on the good points of my husband. I respectfully disagree that it has no practical bearing on our marriage. Mental disabilities on in my genes & I will likely have babies into my late 30s, so discussing the value of life is imperative prior to moving forward in having more children.

Our daughter will be raised knowing the full truth of the church & its doctrines so knowing at the very least that I have his support is imperative as well.
 
I appreciate the book suggestion, that may serve as a great resource for the both of us.

Respectfully I disagree with you; there was no mention of any “name calling” in my post. I referred to his mother as his mother.

I accurately expressed my true feelings on the subject. I am disgusted. Just because I feel strongly about something (feelings I am permitted to have) does not take from my ability to think & act logically. I was able to have respectful, open dialogue with my husband because of that ability.

Thank you again for your feedback.
 
I would also like to point out you did not ‘just find out’ your husband was pro-choice. He told you this when you were dating. You tried to change his position, but you didn’t. You say he “seemed” to “almost” be in full acknowledgement. Perhaps he was just trying to make you happy telling you what you wanted to hear.

Sounds like maybe neither of you were honest-- you really wanted a pro life partner. He really isn’t pro-life on all fronts, or maybe even most fronts. You married who you wanted him to be. Not who he is.

If it was a deal breaker, it should have been very clear up front.

He agreed to practice NFP and to raise children Catholic. But he didn’t change who he was at his core.

You are going to have to find a way to live with this fact. He may never change his opinion of abortion.
 
By allowing his mother into my home only when my husband is present is a healthy boundary & a compromise. I am not banning her from my home all together.

I failed to mention (to avoid having my post getting too convoluted) that his mother has brought this up more than once, ignoring my attempts to change the subject & asking inappropriate questions that I was growing tired of deflecting… I have the right to eliminate any source of anxiety or negative energy from my home especially when trying to care for a newborn infant.

My husband and I believe that when life begins, how to care for the mother, her options, & the growing life inside her IS a value. We just happened to disagree on that value currently.
 
A compromise would be to explain to your husband how uncomfortable you felt and ask for his opinion on how to establish a healthy boundary with his mother. What you discribed was an edict.

You don’t have the right to eliminate every source of anxiety or negative energy in your home unless you are the only one living in it.

I need to give more thought on how to explain the difference between a shared value and a difference in belief.
 
I might suggest going to counselling or taking this to your priest? It seems like you and your husband should have a mediator in your debates.

And, don’t feel like your marriage is in trouble if you would like to consider counselling. A lot of couples need counselling, it’s a completely normal thing. Arguments between two people, I think especially if they are married, can escalate fast if a mediator is not present.

I’ll be praying for you two! God Bless!
 
I truly appreciate it. Meeting with a professional is an excellent idea & thank you for your prayers.

It seems like the rest of the people responding are looking to initiate a debate rather than give advice or a helpful point of view
 
Are you responding to this post to be helpful or insite a debate over semantics?

The main point of my post was to get the Catholic perspective (yes I read the disclaimer) that would be helpful in persuing further dialogue with my husband. A true act of love is bringing your spouse closer to Christ & enlighten them.

Your advice earlier was great & I will try to practice it: There is this saying, “You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Maybe it would be helpful for you to remember as well.

Thank you & God bless
 
I do not understand your comment on debating semantics; if you could please explain I can try to clear up that miscommunication.

My intention is to be helpful. I based my response on the words you used in this post and how I would feel and the assumptions I would make if they were directed at me. Your desire is to foster communication (which is really good!!) but your words and the actions, as you described them here, come across as valuing being right.

That isn’t your intention and is in direct conflict with your goal which is why I made the suggestions and comments that I did. I’m not judging who you actually are and I appologize that was unclear and for the hurtful feelings my failure to fully communicate caused.
 
The vast majority of people who vocally support abortion have been involved in an abortion themselves or are very close to someone who has. Remember that before you use terms like “murder”.

I really suggest you listen to all of the Trent Horn call in programs on Catholic Answers Live WRT Abortion. He also has an excellent book. This will train you how to talk about abortion in a measured, intelligent manner. Turn down the debate to discussion.

We women have a tendency to marry men thinking we can “change” their opinions, attitudes, grooming habits, politics, religion - it can be hard to find out that the man we married is the same man we dated, just a bit more grey at the temples.
 
How can you just be finding this out now? One would think such things would be discussed prior to getting married…
 
Praying that your husband realizes that abortion is always wrong, and praying for restoration of your marriage
God Bless you
 
You must have skimmed over the first paragraph of the original post…
 
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