Devout husband been watching porn when angry with me

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lemk78

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I don’t really want lots of answers because I know my husband feels terrible for doing this. He admitted last night that he has had a problem with porn for years since a boy and when we argue which has been quite a lot lately he does this almost to spite me. He says its because he feels he can’t have me but he can? I’ve been pure and I don’t often say no because I enjoy being with my husband. I’ve suffered this month feeling lonely and rejected getting angry giving evil looks and feeling generally upset and frustrated which has made things worse. He went to confession yesterday and told me whilst having a few drinks. I was gutted felt ugly but I don’t think I am on the grand scheme of things. I’m so hurt he has also been drinking a bit to much and the conflict is starting to get more and more violent and frequent. To a break down of communication. Please pray for us and our children the youngest of which is 9 months old. I really love my husband but I’ve been hating him and the way he acts and also hating me and the way I’m reacting. God help us things are really not good right now.
 
lemk78 said:
I don’t really want lots of answers because I know my husband feels terrible for doing this. He admitted last night that he has had a problem with porn for years since a boy and when we argue which has been quite a lot lately he does this almost to spite me. He says its because he feels he can’t have me but he can? I’ve been pure and I don’t often say no because I enjoy being with my husband. I’ve suffered this month feeling lonely and rejected getting angry giving evil looks and feeling generally upset and frustrated which has made things worse. He went to confession yesterday and told me whilst having a few drinks. I was gutted felt ugly but I don’t think I am on the grand scheme of things. I’m so hurt he has also been drinking a bit to much and the conflict is starting to get more and more violent and frequent. To a break down of communication. Please pray for us and our children the youngest of which is 9 months old. I really love my husband but I’ve been hating him and the way he acts and also hating me and the way I’m reacting. God help us things are really not good right now.
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You and your family will be in my prayers, lemk. You’re not alone or unjustified in feeling the way you do when you know your husband is viewing porn instead of you. It’s sadly become all too frequent in many marriages, Catholic and otherwise. There’s a support group here at CAF called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” that you may wish to join which deals with just this problem (see the “groups” tool bar at the top of the CAF page). As a wife, it has definitely helped me in my marriage and might be beneficial to you also - or to any other wives out there going through a similar difficulty who may be reading this.
I sincerely pray that the violence you mention when your husband is upset is not aimed at you or your children. If it is, please seek help with local organizations/authorities in your area to protect yourselves immediately. Hopefully it’s not at that point, but if it is, it’s extremely important to seek assistance right away for your sake and the sake of your children.
May Our Lord be by your side always, and may our Blessed Mother, St. Monica, and St. Michael help intercede for you.
 
lemk78 said:
I don’t really want lots of answers because I know my husband feels terrible for doing this. He admitted last night that he has had a problem with porn for years since a boy and when we argue which has been quite a lot lately he does this almost to spite me. He says its because he feels he can’t have me but he can? I’ve been pure and I don’t often say no because I enjoy being with my husband. I’ve suffered this month feeling lonely and rejected getting angry giving evil looks and feeling generally upset and frustrated which has made things worse. He went to confession yesterday and told me whilst having a few drinks. I was gutted felt ugly but I don’t think I am on the grand scheme of things. I’m so hurt he has also been drinking a bit to much and the conflict is starting to get more and more violent and frequent. To a break down of communication. Please pray for us and our children the youngest of which is 9 months old. I really love my husband but I’ve been hating him and the way he acts and also hating me and the way I’m reacting. God help us things are really not good right now.
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You’ll be in my prayers, but you as a couple need marital counseling and your husband needs to be in some kind of accountability program for the porn use. It’s not about you, it’s about him so don’t let his statements get to you, he may just be saying that so his fault in the situation is put onto you. Call Catholic Charities - they offer counseling on a sliding scale and my experience was very positive. I think the counselors can really help marriages.

If there is truly violence, I would urge you to leave and get to a safe place. Go to your parents or other relatives or call an abuse hotline and ask for help. This kind of environment is not safe for children.
 
lemk78 said:
I don’t really want lots of answers because I know my husband feels terrible for doing this. He admitted last night that he has had a problem with porn for years since a boy and when we argue which has been quite a lot lately he does this almost to spite me. He says its because he feels he can’t have me but he can? I’ve been pure and I don’t often say no because I enjoy being with my husband. I’ve suffered this month feeling lonely and rejected getting angry giving evil looks and feeling generally upset and frustrated which has made things worse. He went to confession yesterday and told me whilst having a few drinks. I was gutted felt ugly but I don’t think I am on the grand scheme of things. I’m so hurt he has also been drinking a bit to much and the conflict is starting to get more and more violent and frequent. To a break down of communication. Please pray for us and our children the youngest of which is 9 months old. I really love my husband but I’ve been hating him and the way he acts and also hating me and the way I’m reacting. God help us things are really not good right now.
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Call the church or your doctor and see if you can set up some form of council. I told my wife if I ever laid a hand on her to leave. I strongly suggest you do the same until you both work through your problems. This is your first cry for help. STOP it now by getting help to work through this. You can not allow him to get violent with you and your child should not be witness to it.
 
I also struggled with this. Can PM me if needed. Im am single just for full disclosure so I dont feel qualified to comment on the marital aspect. But now that Im further out of its grip I can definitely see the destructiveness of it. Although it wasnt as apparent at the time. Truthfully Im praying for you both and if need be he can PM me if needed as well. Quite frankly imo its mind pollution.
 
Sounds like he is co-dependent, not standing on his own two feet like a man yet.

There are many immature who marry.

And he is addicted not only to sex, but to anger.

Make full use of sacramentals in your home — blessed salt and holy water, prayer…and for your sake, detachment.

The first strategy…and it takes time, is to put a buffer around yourself where he can no longer use you for anger. This requires growth in Christ…and psychologically, outside friends. Spend time with normal, mature people.

And finally, place yourself in Mary’s most immaculate and pure heart. Make your home Mary’s home. And pray for his conversion.

It won’t be for long, I intuit, that our day to day situations will change. Keep your eyes on heaven and be in the communion of saints.

If you do so, you are truly walking the sanctified life. Do not be afraid. How easier said than done. But protect yourself with the shield of faith in Christ, get a balanced life, and pray. He won’t leave, he is co-dependent. It is a hard cross.

God bless you and as others have counselled you, find outside sources for support.
 
I’m really grateful for your answers and prayers. I have gained some comfort strength and new perspectives from your posts. Have listened to advice will ask my husband about counselling. Use sacramentals and get back in touch with old friends. Go to mass more. I’m still very hurt but after praying the rosary I don’t feel so scared. Thank you all and God bless you.
 
Dude needs to get into a recovery program, plain and simple. Probably two of them. One for the porn and one for the drinking. I know little about the latter, but plenty about the former.
 
In my prayers from now on.
Hang on in there. You are right and with prayer, will put things right too.
God bless you all.
 
I highly recommend Alanon. It is for those who are in a relationship with an addict. If you do not get some support around this it may harm your own mental health. Alanon will help keep you sane.
 
I think for any spouse to have such a cross likewise needs excellent and profound spiritual formation.

St. Catherine of Siena’s ‘Dialogues’ help explain many things in our lives through Christ Himself. Her writings show the value of suffering, of penance.

Spouses with such crosses really, in my mind, have a higher caller in this life. There are so many of them, and their prayers for others are very powerful, when they unite their personal sufferings with the Cross.

Reading Catherine’s understanding of the spiritual life and one’s growth in sanctification, she comes to the next stage of spirituality where one being more grounded and nourished by Christ, where one is more detached. What happens is that people in this world can not any longer hurt you, that you are not living of man, but living of God.

What happens is that the ‘darts’ people point out such a spiritual soul, end up going back to the aggressor.

When I study the plight of abused spouses, the most effective tool to use against abusive husbands or wives is detachment. They can no longer hit you back with their abusive behavior, see it is not working, and in time find other means to re-direct their anger in life.

It is very sad. But this life is very short.

You have to really discern God’s will. And the other point by being more detached and developing a buffer around yourself that they cannot get pleasure any more hurting you, is to be an excellent parent and live one time at a time in Christian fraternity with true friends of the Lord.

Hundreds of thousands, millions of married people in this world are suffering the same.

And I have read some time ago there is always one partner who is carrying the cross.
 
Some (firm) suggestions:
  1. Remove the computer, television or whatever the device is that your Husband views the material - mobile included after hours in the home - discipline for addiction is called for here; you do not wish your Children to see this material on screens.
  2. Tell your Husband to “grow up”, develop some interests in life and acknowledge the beautiful Family he has that other Men out there would Love and Cherish - a beautiful, loving committed Wife and God’s greatest Gifts to Adults being our Children.
  3. Replace with healthy interests eg “Family” bike riding, walking, swimming, ten pin bowling, or any outdoor away from the home activities as a family you are able to participate in a few evenings per week
  4. Suggest a healthy sport or interest that your Husband takes up eg a night time team sport of in-door cricket, squash, soccer or swimming. If your Husband raises his own self esteem, he will not find the need to lower himself with viewing smutty images and degrading the female or male bodies of strangers, most of whom are young on those sites.
  5. Register your Family for Fundraisers, Charity Runs, Organisations who assist the poor and needy locally during the hours that your Husband generally has free time to view the material.
Pray The Holy Rosary (while you offer up to Jesus this Cross you are bearing) and ask Jesus to firmly break Satan’s temptation in relation to your Husband and the material.

I bathe you Satan in the Victorious Blood of Jesus Christ our Saviour’s Victorious Resurrection over you Satan and command ye through Jesus Christ our Saviour to leave this Husband’s Heart, Mind, Soul and Body, now and for Eternity

Our Father who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.
 
Pray together:

Lord, please allow us to cooperate with the grace that you give us in our marriage sacrament.

Get counseling if needed. Talk. Both of you need to make the effort to mend the relationship.
 
HolyRosaryChild…

I think your advice is great. It is really a form of good social therapy. I have found out, however, that the co-dependency is also at work to keep the spouse isolated. They are passive aggressive and cannot face their own inner vacuum and emptiness, and it frightens them.

It is made worse when they are around people doing healthy things as you describe to become more balanced. They feel that much more insecure. Not having the screen in the home makes them feel anchorless…some may fight.

But overall, think your advice is great.
 
I did go nuts the day i posted when he got in and snatched his phone Which was the wrong thing to do he wrestled it off me and I was sad and angry I hit myself in frustration. I know very bad. I have had a long talk with my husband he is not up for counselling and thinks that I need to forgive and not hold resentment about the things he has lied about and done. He said he came clean because he didn’t want any secrets in our marriage and that he won’t to it again. He offered me to put a child lock and password on the computer and phone on the settings. i told him i would have to trust him and not do it. i made a new friend and am going out with a friend tomorrow for lunch I have started to go to weekday mass again taking the youngest child and began praying my rosary daily. My husband came once with me to midweek mass for the first time and prayed the rosary a couple of times with me. I also found out to my surprise that I am pregnant. I feel vulnerable and powerless. Which has made me be quite honestly mean with my comments I think he is right I am having trouble forgiving but I don’t think that is an excuse to be insensitive that I’ve been lied to for a long time. Giving up my few cigarettes a day is making me quite emotional and my husband is still going into the yard to smoke he lied last pregnancy that he quit another lie I found out. . I feel a lot of trust and respect has gone. As for the new baby in my womb I am very blessed. The fith precious child in our home. I didn’t feel as happy as I imagined I would because I recently had a miscarriage and have been pretty down about things. My husband was happy he has always wanted a big family so have I. I think the shock of all this is that I believed he was pure we never even saw each other before our wedding night. I do admit I feel closer to him now that he has been honest. I’m praying to be forgiving and will try to adopt some of the thoughtfully suggestions. Things are not better yet but I do have hope.
 
NO NO NO…you did nothing wrong…Not at all…this the bondage tool that is being done on you.

You need to spend time detaching yourself and getting back to who you are.

I will send you the name of a book, entitled ‘Why does he do that?’…The only realistic book out there.

Be the best mom. The more you shield yourself from his guilt projections, the more things will get under control…being open, receptive, caring…are actually the virtues he is drawing on to control and manipulate you.

This behavior is common all over the world.
 
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