Devout husband been watching porn when angry with me

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Who is the author. You are right I used to think I was pretty cool walking with God feeling so much love and joy these days I feel bogged down. I wrote a message to my husband he has been away for three days saying that it was unfair to call me unforgiving by being hurt by his actions. I definately need some of this detachment so I can feel free again. I don’t want to break up I just want us all to be happy and holy and I don’t want to be blamed for his sin. I do enough of that by myself. What a foolish thing to say that I drove him to sin. I took him straight that I wasn’t to blame. That it is wrong to pin his sin on me. He has been trying but I do not feel the level of effort and communication and I can only pray he won’t cheat on me with these pornos again. They prob have better figure than me I’m trim but got stretch marks and can’t compete. Feel sad cause my body is changing again and it isn’t going to be as fit as these women on screen. I am instead his pregnant wife and I love him. I’ll just keep praying and hope it really is the end of it like he said.
 
lemk,

May I say as a porn addict myself, that my addiction my own fault. It is not something that my wife caused. There are many factors as to why someone becomes an addict; my case I got an early start courtesy of my father’s addiction and never really broke out of it. It capped my spiritual growth at age 14 and, despite being out of active addiction for a couple of years, I fell right back into when real life hit. The stresses and anxieties of trying to care for a family, dealing with health problems early in a marriage that nearly killed my wife and my son… all of it eventually built up and crashed over me like a giant wave.

BUT and here is the real kicker, the choice to seek out escape in the addiction was mine and mine alone. I may not have had a solid formation but I am not a victim. Real life happens to everybody but not everybody chooses to self-medicate the way I did. That was my choice. A choice that I hid for years out of selfishness, shame and pride. Blaming yourself is not going to help him or you. Concerning yourself over whether you can do something to keep him from doing it again is not going to help him or you.

The cold truth is also that you’re not in competition with anyone. You’re not competing with other women. It’s his choice to live either in the real world or in the fake world of pornography. When I chose the fake world I did it because of my own insecurities, my own shame, my own fear and my own self-centeredness. I did not choose it to hurt my wife and I did not choose it because I genuinely preferred a screen to the real thing. I didn’t even thing these intangible women were even more attractive than my own wife! It was simply that the pornography was an escape into a world that I could control. After all, I could choose what to click on. I could choose what I wanted. And there was nothing messy like feelings or love or anything else. It’s a total escape.

Choosing pornography is not like choosing another woman. It’s like choosing alcohol. Or a drug. That’s what it is. You can’t stop him from making that choice. He is the only one who can choose it.

S-groups have been a huge help. Breaking the barrier of shame has been a huge help. Getting this out in the open has been a huge help. I hated being stuck in the same cycle over and over again but I could not find a way out. I had recovery basically forced upon me; what was I going to choose when my wife walked out? The porn? Over my family? I think not. This is not always the right solution. But it was for me. And I’ve got a pretty good chunk of sobriety to prove that getting out is indeed possible but it can only come from total surrender on my part to the will of God. No one can do that for me.
 
Thanks for writing The Bucket. I’m glad you chose your wife and family and the devil didn’t kick your butt totally. I don’t really know what to say accept please pray for us because it would be very hard for me to walk out pregnant with the children. I don’t get it but how could I? I’m a woman and That makes us different in these matters I guess. I have so many questions but he clams up and gets annoyed with me when I bring it up. It would probably just hurt me so much if I knew what was making him tick anyway. I have to just try not to think of it because it hurts too much. God bless you all. My husband will be back from a few days away soon.
 
I don’t know anyone that wanted to choose the addiction. I’ve met dozens of people who have the same addiction and all they want is out. Sometimes they don’t want it enough, however, to go through the hell that it takes to get out. No, there’s no heroin-like withdrawals but it does involve a total transformation of your life. Really and truly. Because along with the pornography, at least in most cases, comes unadulterated shame. That’s the really hard part. Getting past the shame and the misplaced anger and resentment. I hated myself for years but it was all projected onto my wife. Every little thing she did or the kids did that was even mildly imperfect made me a crazy ragemonster.

I wasn’t a screamer all the time but I was super passive-aggressive. I knew what my problem was but while I insisted that the issue was with me to my wife, all of my actions said otherwise. And sometimes I even caught myself thinking that if only she kept the house super clean or kept the kids quiet or this or that, then I wouldn’t NEED the pornography anymore and I’d be fine. Wrong. If it wasn’t one thing it would have been something else. If it wasn’t the house being messy it would be worry over our finances. If we were wealthy it would be concern that the world sucks. It would have been something. Satan would have found a door or window to get through if others slammed shut.

Truth is that with porn out of my life and Christ more in my life, I’m way better able to deal with real life. We still have the money concerns though they are not great. Just tight budgeting, that’s all. We’re having another child so that might add to the strain and my oldest is prepping for kindergarten next year. Lots of changes. I doubt I would have been able to keep it together in the past. But good news! I don’t have to keep it together. I just need to let God keep it together for me. All I have to do is surrender my will to Him. Easier said than done, but it’s doable.
 
Have known people into this addiction and all married to beautiful Women inside and out (one a size 8 Blonde pretty 5ft 7/8 Woman) and loves his Spouse however the addiction was over-riding his love and respect for her.

A neighbour’s Husband (unfaithful); married to a stunning beautiful Woman internally and externally, ditto as above.

Work colleagues over the years having affairs using Pornography or person to person all had the prettiest most beautiful Wives internally and externally. Interesting the point that during my near 50 years most friends and colleagues I have mixed with, where their marriages have been loving, respectful and solid, are those whereby the Wife is not as pretty, slim or as attractive (externally), as the Wives who have been cheated on by Husbands having affairs using pornography or person to person. Having said that, every one of God’s children is beautiful, special and unique. May be a study has been done on this in some country already?

Any addictions or conditions within one-self is usually a product of one’s own upbringing, some type of abuse, low self esteem, some type of female degradation within the childhood home, and/or role modelling on an adult within the childhood home.

Most people with addictions to gambling, pornography, alcohol, drugs, have had and/or have few interests (personally), show hints of disrespect towards women in general, possess low self esteem prior and during addiction, and in no way, is there any type of reflection on their Spouse.

Please Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour, could you quickly break this Husband’s addiction and give strength to his Wife and Family, now and for Eternity, Amen.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, Amen.
 
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Hi Kathleen, thank you and agree (lived for 18 years with a Husband exhibiting chauvanistic and mysoginist traits) a condition resulting from childhood abuse. He made changes and developed more interests and praying to Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus over the past two years has assisted greatly!

Love and Peace Kathleen

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Thank you HolyRosary Child…glad to hear that your husband is starting to become the person God is calling him to be…a profound and most frightening step for men who have been in the other orientation…

THE book to read that is the only one based on reality…and by the way, it does affirm women who stand up to those kinds of men…they are continually being invalidated and sabotaged…until the day comes the woman sees through the games and begins to ignore…sadly it is an emotional and psychological divorce…the fellow oftentimes will put a wedge between the mother and children as well who then become indifferent and ambivalent to what is happening to her.

The book is called, ‘Why Does He do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Men’, by Lundy Bancroft. If you search on line you will see that he has a number of articles and has a blog.

First thing you have to do in your recovery as he has you addicted, really, is to recognize the games, and then disconnect yourself from them.

Certain types of angry men do not respond to any counselling. Other angry men do.

If he is going to church then you have a great chance of seeing him reform.
 
I have just ordered the book on Amazon. I don’t really know how to feel any more. Last night when I told him the times I had been blamed for his actions he explained he didn’t mean what he said and meant we were having a hard time and it had contributing to it. then he hit me with a pillow on the head when I was laying down not expecting it and smashed up my iphone I usually go on here using it. I am upset about my phone considering how he reacted when I just took his phone in anger because of his porn watching he smashed my last one as well. I asked him to give me his phone to which he refused giving up in the end but it was a small victory because before he gave it to me he grabbed my neck told me i was going to die " Are you ready to die now?" I felt like hitting him at his smugness and stubborn heart myself. Any way he’ll take it back later or i’ll pay. I’ve lost all my contacts and my words with friends game that i enjoy playing with a old lady i keep company through it. I was called unforgiving blamed again my head is a mess now I am also very tired because all this happened after a few days on my own with the kids and after the children were in bed my baby wakes up lots so when I got to bed at three am he was apologising wanting to make love. I still woke up twice in the nighI am angry but I read if someone is truly sorry they give you time to work through your feelings and feel what you feel with out a time limit. I’m not a robot. What I read so far it says he does this to me on purpose. He is asleep now. He never gets up with the baby and the one of the few he did he was so hung over the baby put nappy cream in his eyes because he fell asleep. I will read that book and see what to do for the best. I tthe baby then woke up at 6 am. I am expected to be happy today now or I am a unforgiving mean grudge holder he kept saying will you forgive me. but minutes before was saying there is no marriage, he was leaving?! I said I did forgive individually for each of the things then am expected now to be immediately happy. I expect i’ll get my computer broken if he catches me on this. I was mad when he got home and I wish I wasn’t we did have a few good days when the blame was all pinned on my unforgiving nature. I feel like a nag. The forgiveness seems empty because I am sad and expect more trouble if I don’t act right. bye x
 
Dear Lemke

What you just described from this last night, and all the love and care and concern you have for him and your children…can you go with your kids to your family??

He needs a time out and I could say more.

The book describes what type of angry man…best you study and see where he fits in. I would move in with your parents or another relative if they could help out. I think it very necessary considering what he is doing to you and how he is destroying your means of contact with others.

You got the book…there is another one out called ‘Addicted to Anger’…but you will have enough…please look for Lundy’s blog…

Find shelter…I am keeping you in prayer…so so so many women like you…

love
kathleen
 
I have no one to go to. My mum died and my Dad’s place is two small and my sister has no room for more than a night squashed in together. We have a big place but we are not well off. He has agreed to leave in one month if he is violent to me again. It’s not proper hitting but it hurts just as much, frustrates, frightens and humiliates. I went to confession today and the priest was so gentle I had floods of tears. He said my husband needed to know I was happy to be carrying his child which I am. He also said I have a very difficult job I was honest and he said I should reassure my husband that I wouldn’t leave until we got out of this and that he was treating marriage badly like putting diesel into a petrol engine and needed to put the right things into it instead. He said I needed someone to talk to and he would be there for me although he didn’t know who I was I know him and I may take him up on the offer. My husband is regretful and gentle today and I am now laying down after a three hour well needed nap and I was just brought up some tea. He has arranged to have my phone fixed. He never hits the children and they have not been turned against me. They bring me very much joy as does the child in my womb. Please lord let it be well. I am going down to dinner now with my husband and the children. Thank you for your prayers.
 
Dear Lem…I am carrying your cross with you and held you up at Mass this am…thousands of miles away from you, I assume from your use of language…

We live in Christ’s time which is both present and eternal.

I think going to the priest, particularly in the confessional, is so good. The Lord’s healing presence comes down on you sacramentally, to heal and sustain you. If you can, try to go to Mass several times a week and just be you, and ask the Lord to bring you into the center of His Sacred Heart.

Frankly, I think your husband is cycling in his behaviors and is repeating the same-o same-o.

I found the other book, " Anger Busting 101: The New ABC’s For Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them" by Newton Hightower, that gives actual practicum for the man to follow.

The other is www.12-step-review.org. It is directed to all addictions through Catholic spiritual theology. It would be great if there were a Catholic 12 steps you or your husband could attend. I know of Fr Emmerich Vogt, OP, who has been spiritual director for Mother Theresa of Calcutta’s novices. He put this review together.

You would find it fascinating and it would help you become more closer to Jesus. It is amazing but when we die to Jesus, and His life grows within us, we become more truly who we are and then we are able to truly experience life in abundance.

Your priest’s insight reflected the wisdom presented in Lundy’s book, but your priest more in the spirit of Jesus, not clinical psychology. But Lundy’s so right on, so realistic, with his name, there are abusive men who have come on challenging him and saying he is a woman and making up alot of ‘stuff’.

I think it would be very wise for someone to reach out to your husband who is truly knowledgeable, and direct him, while you reassure him as the priest directed you, to abstain from your presence and get into contact with himself and discover that the Lord is calling him to become his true self. I wish he could be out of the home for awhile, – starting now. Otherwise you are in this cycling isolation, which is another tool.

So it is critical likewise for you to become part of your faith community, and just going to Mass some times during the week when you are able, and joining lay apostolates, many online where you don’t focus on yourselves but on your mission of redemptive suffering…which is apparently your existence right now…can also relieve the oppression and worry.

I think you have found an excellent source of comfort and direction in your priest in the confessional. If you think face to face will work, go see him as well.

I think the husband should be given the anger book and take a time out. I pray that he realize the destructiveness of his actions, and how this is not a Catholic way of marriage.

Catholic marriages is where the two are bonded in Christ, grow together in Him, and come to see Him at work in each other for each other…a true form of sanctification. I pray he will see this…it is a wonderful path of discovery of Christ in your marriage.

Give all to Christ, and in His time, all will work out for the greater good. Become likewise, more engaged with our communion of saints, and seek out a few saints that you connect with and pray for their intercession! St. Joseph be your protector and guardian!!

Love
kathleen
 
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