DH cracking on me!

[QuietTimes]

I usually don’t reach out to strangers with my marriage because i feel like we can over come most anything with dialogue, but my dh recently got a new job that is physically demanding and he keeps long hours. We are expecting our 5th child in November. Well to make along story short he now says that he wants a vasectomy and that through prayer he discerned this.
Now we are reverts and have attended NFP classes, although I tried my hardest to understand my cycle and what we learned it just was not meant to be at this time I am still nursing and I just didn’t and couldn’t tell when I went into my first fertile time since having ds. So what’s done is done I am happy a bit scared though. My husband is freaking out. We were having a disagreemnet on a puppy I didn’t want but he got anyways. On his parents inconsiderate attitude towards my children and myself. At the end of it he tells me 'by the way I decided to get a vasectomy when my insurance kicks in and went on to say that is what he wants, because he doesnt want to still be having babies in our 40’s and on and on he went.
I told him that he is going against what I believe completly. And all what we have learned in these past few years. His rebuttal is God will forgive him when he goes to confession
I feel so alone right now especially because we are the only practicing couple I know of. Everybody in both families is fallen away…This is very hurtful:blush:

 

[tutor5]

You are not alone, my story is almost identical to yours… NFP difficult to interpret, 5 blessings and a frustrated husband. Do penance for your husband and ask for others to pray (as indeed I will for you both). Turn to Saint Joseph, model for all husbands. Place your husband in his strong arms and really trust him. Things will work out… Trust me… Trust God, he wants it as much as you do!

 

[KCT]

What would happen if you said, “Getting yourself neutered like an animal will kill my interest in sex. Just want you to know that before you go an do it.” —KCT

 

[KCT]

What would happen if you said, “Getting yourself neutered like an animal will kill my interest in sex. Just want you to know that before you go an do it.” —KCT

Maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it can affect your sex life. He should know that full well before he makes the decision. --KCT

 

[BlestOne]

Maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it can affect your sex life. He should know that full well before he makes the decision. --KCT

Personally I didn’t think it was harsh…but then I usually tell it like it is. Yes it does kill the libido!!!

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Personally I didn’t think it was harsh…but then I usually tell it like it is. Yes it does kill the libido!!!

Also, be sure to let him know that men that have vasectomies are at a much higher risk of prostate cancer.

 

[QuietTimes]

Maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it can affect your sex life. He should know that full well before he makes the decision. --KCT

He knows this and is fully aware of many of the consequences. He is just choosing something right now that later he is not going to realize how drastic this is and how it goes against what God truly wants for us.
It is so suspect to me that he said this to me when he did he just told his parents that I am pregnant. They are the most right wing liberals you will ever meet. Pro choice, they love contraception, and my mil hates it when people tell her that anybody is pregnant. You would think that she can be happy at the impending news of more grandchildren. But many a time she has told me that she doesn’t like buying so much for the kids on christmas and blah blah. I have told her “not to” that she doesnt have to anything she doese not want to do. I am just ranting because I am so tired of their comments towards myself and choices that I make. And so far my husband has been coerced by the stupidity that comes out of their mouths.
Now I know thats harsh but like someone said I say like it is. I am just fighting my inner self not to be angry over this and to handle this with care and love.

 

[beckers]

Well isn’t it a sin to knowning commit a sin with the knowledge that you can just confess it? Where is the contrictness (spelling?) in that?

 

[kage_ar]

Will your husband go sit down, the two of you with your Priest?

 

[leonie]

He knows this and is fully aware of many of the consequences. He is just choosing something right now that later he is not going to realize how drastic this is and how it goes against what God truly wants for us.
It is so suspect to me that he said this to me when he did he just told his parents that I am pregnant. They are the most right wing liberals you will ever meet. Pro choice, they love contraception, and my mil hates it when people tell her that anybody is pregnant. You would think that she can be happy at the impending news of more grandchildren. But many a time she has told me that she doesn’t like buying so much for the kids on christmas and blah blah. I have told her “not to” that she doesnt have to anything she doese not want to do. I am just ranting because I am so tired of their comments towards myself and choices that I make. And so far my husband has been coerced by the stupidity that comes out of their mouths.
Now I know thats harsh but like someone said I say like it is. I am just fighting my inner self not to be angry over this and to handle this with care and love.

My inlaws give my dh a very hard time when we announce a pregnancy. He dreads the “lecture” very very much. I do think it is one of the main reasons that he is opposed to another baby right now. errrrrrrr…When we had our last pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage), the first thing he said when I told him was he wanted to sell the house and move before I started showing. I was shocked. I didn’t realize that their opinion mattered so much to him. BTW we live next door to his folks–explaining why we’d need to move

He sounds very stressed out.

The sin of doing something immoral with the intention of confessing it later is called presumption. You can look it up and have him read up on it. It’s a mortal sin.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I am just fighting my inner self not to be angry over this and to handle this with care and love.

I will pray for you. Hopefully between now and when his insurance kicks in he will reconsider. Also, maybe you can either find a sympathetic Dr or make sure that whatever Dr he goes to does spell out again all the risks.

Consider also going to your priest for advice (and to confess your anger and both hubby and your inlaws.)

 

[QuietTimes]

My inlaws give my dh a very hard time when we announce a pregnancy. He dreads the “lecture” very very much. I do think it is one of the main reasons that he is opposed to another baby right now. errrrrrrr…When we had our last pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage), the first thing he said when I told him was he wanted to sell the house and move before I started showing. I was shocked. I didn’t realize that their opinion mattered so much to him. BTW we live next door to his folks–explaining why we’d need to move

He sounds very stressed out.

The sin of doing something immoral with the intention of confessing it later is called presumption. You can look it up and have him read up on it. It’s a mortal sin.

Thats funny you say all that it is exactly what our situation is sans the misscariage ( I am so sorry you had to go through that) we do live about 2 minutes from each other and we hardly ever see them but the impact they have on DH is just crazy. All this has transpired after I came back from confession. I dont feel I need to run back though because I am upset over this I feel that that emotion is justified. Unless I had gotten violent or abusive then thats a whole different story but there is none of that.As far as talking to a priest or anybody only time will tell my husband comes around to his senses slowly. I have to drive about 2-3 hours next week tuesday for a Dr.'s appt in San Diego he is a NFP only Dr. I plan on telling him what is going on. I didn’t even realize I had this appt til now anyways they have priest and counselers there. I hope that maybe they can give me some resources to help DH really make a more than informed decision. Because at this point I am just tired of thinking about it. Although he cant go with me that day I have to go by myself I am looking forward to it.

 

[Margita]

I usually don’t reach out to strangers with my marriage because i feel like we can over come most anything with dialogue, but my dh recently got a new job that is physically demanding and he keeps long hours. We are expecting our 5th child in November. Well to make along story short he now says that he wants a vasectomy and that through prayer he discerned this.
Now we are reverts and have attended NFP classes, although I tried my hardest to understand my cycle and what we learned it just was not meant to be at this time I am still nursing and I just didn’t and couldn’t tell when I went into my first fertile time since having ds. So what’s done is done I am happy a bit scared though. My husband is freaking out. We were having a disagreemnet on a puppy I didn’t want but he got anyways. On his parents inconsiderate attitude towards my children and myself. At the end of it he tells me 'by the way I decided to get a vasectomy when my insurance kicks in and went on to say that is what he wants, because he doesnt want to still be having babies in our 40’s and on and on he went.
I told him that he is going against what I believe completly. And all what we have learned in these past few years. His rebuttal is God will forgive him when he goes to confession
I feel so alone right now especially because we are the only practicing couple I know of. Everybody in both families is fallen away…This is very hurtful:blush:

I would like you to take time to consider your husband’s side of the question. You say he is “cracking on you”, that he is going against what you believe - but don’t you realise that it is HE who is going through a severe crisis?
He agrees with you in principle about NFP, and he loves you, and I’m sure he loves his children, all five of them. But he is torn between parents who are important to him, whose comments hurt and torment him, and common sense which tells him that five kids are just about enough. He is in pain and he is looking for a way out of this situation. Frankly, a talk with the priest about the legitimacy of family planning would be in order in your case. The Church does allow it for serious reasons. I don’t know you, so I cannot tell whether you have serious reasons or not. But anything is better than a vasectomy.
One more thing (an important one): it is downright admirable in your husband that he is determined to take the whole issue on himself. He is not trying to persuade you to go on the pill or anything. He takes the responsibility, 100% of it. He is willing to undergo vasectomy in his despair, rather than making you do anything. What does this tell about him? Is he really “cracking on you”? Or is he cracking on himself?

As far as I can see, he probably needs more help and support than you. Give it to him, before you crack on him for going against your belief, try to be understanding and show it.

 

[QuietTimes]

I would like you to take time to consider your husband’s side of the question. You say he is “cracking on you”, that he is going against what you believe - but don’t you realise that it is HE who is going through a severe crisis?
He agrees with you in principle about NFP, and he loves you, and I’m sure he loves his children, all five of them. But he is torn between parents who are important to him, whose comments hurt and torment him, and common sense which tells him that five kids are just about enough. He is in pain and he is looking for a way out of this situation. Frankly, a talk with the priest about the legitimacy of family planning would be in order in your case. The Church does allow it for serious reasons. I don’t know you, so I cannot tell whether you have serious reasons or not. But anything is better than a vasectomy.
One more thing (an important one): it is downright admirable in your husband that he is determined to take the whole issue on himself. He is not trying to persuade you to go on the pill or anything. He takes the responsibility, 100% of it. He is willing to undergo vasectomy in his despair, rather than making you do anything. What does this tell about him? Is he really “cracking on you”? Or is he cracking on himself?

As far as I can see, he probably needs more help and support than you. Give it to him, before you crack on him for going against your belief, try to be understanding and show it.

Many good points Margita but…
I have considered and I do know he feels the burn. But as a married couple I also believe that what he does to his body should also be something that he takes me into consideration and thought. Not what his parents want or think is best for us.
For many years I did cotracept because he wanted me to, because he said there was nothing for a man to take and lets forbid he wear a condom. Thats crazy talk. …Well since then and a few blood clots in my leg later I decided enough is enough and stopped and then I posed a threat to his beliefs. But what about the sacrament of marriage when the two become one? Trust me I know where his heart is at this point and it is not with me 100% as long as his rents are telling him their opinion he takes it, and does not consider what that it will do to our marriage. Since then I have wisen up and try to take full obidience to my catholic faith. Although it is hard because at times I am tired and want the easy way out but I have to also be true to myself and know that mortal sin is just that mortal sin and it is wrong. I have never heard of the church passing a ok to a couple to get fixed because of circumstance.
Bottom line he knows its wrong and thats that he cannot use any excuse other than what he feels is going to happen to him. That he cant afford too many kids and he cant do this and that. He was fine before he told his rents and he was even happy about our current state on what we believe and then poof I changed my mind because you know my parents have a point we have too many kids and do we need so many. And yes his parents are tormenting for sure not just to him

 

[Margita]

For many years I did cotracept because he wanted me to, because he said there was nothing for a man to take and lets forbid he wear a condom. Thats crazy talk. …Well since then and a few blood clots in my leg later I decided enough is enough and stopped and then I posed a threat to his beliefs. But what about the sacrament of marriage when the two become one? Trust me I know where his heart is at this point and it is not with me 100% as long as his rents are telling him their opinion he takes it, and does not consider what that it will do to our marriage. Since then I have wisen up and try to take full obidience to my catholic faith.

OK, I didn’t know about your previous experience with contraception. In this case, it does seem rather selfish from him - but I think he does not see quite clearly whether it is his will or his parents’ will to get the vasectomy. You, however, appear to be clear about it - did you try to make him aware of the fact that he is doing it for his parents only, not for himself or you? He needs to be clear about where his motivation is coming from. I don’t think he knows what he is doing and even less why he is doing it.

You are right in being obedient to your faith and God bless you and strengthen you in your journey. I wish you and your husband clear, calm, peaceful moments to clear up this situation. Pray to the Holy Spirit to give you strength and your husband a clearer perception of his own will.

 

[QuietTimes]

Thank you Margita,
I know I need to sit down with him and ask him exactly what you said where is this motivation coming from.
Sadly it can be from his parents and he does not see this at all. He says that he just doesn’t want to keep having accidents and that he wants his life back, to be able to go and come like we had in the past and I understand that that is a valid need of his. But we have put God first and up to this point its not what we want but what we need and obviously I dont understand it sometimes but who am I to be unhappy all the time because of inconvinience. I am more than happy and joyful that I am able to have children and when I bring that baby home and get to know her or him it is just magical each of our children has given us something not taken away from us. He felt good about this til he told them. I try not be resentful towards them but sometimes it is hard I really have to apply my faith in Jesus to this one. And offer it up.

 

[kage_ar]

Another suggestion - there is more than one method of NFP. You can find many links here to different methods and teachers. It really can be a good thing for those who have need of it, you just need to find the method that works for you.

 

[vluvski]

“a valid need of his…”

It is not a valid NEED. Sex is not, has never, will never be a NEED. God simply did not design us such that sex is necessary.

It is a valid desire, a healthy desire, even a holy desire, for a man to long for his wife. If he is willing to mutilate his own body and violate your marriage, not to mention break your heart, this desire, not NEED, of his has far surpassed the point of being holy, healthy, or valid in any way. This is not a valid need. **This is lust. ** His parents may be encouraging it, but he is the one who is allowing Satan to use them to have control over your marriage.

It is no coincidence that the verse in Corinthians begins “Love is patient…”

 

[QuietTimes]

“a valid need of his…”

It is not a valid NEED. Sex is not, has never, will never be a NEED. God simply did not design us such that sex is necessary.

It is no coincidence that the verse in Corinthians begins “Love is patient…”

I did not say it that sex was a NEED.
He says that he just doesn’t want to keep having accidents and that he wants his life back, to be able to go and come like we had in the past and I understand that that is a valid need of his. He just like many many men have battled with lust but again that is not what I meant in my post.Although he has this desire to have freedom does not constitute that it is a correct. We all want things that we cannot have at times and things will change for us we will get older and I wont be so fertile and life goes on, life is always changing. But we have to allow God to be in our lives if we want to be truly happy.

 

[vluvski]

I’m very sorry, QuietTimes. Perhaps my reply could have been gentler. It’s blistering hot because our AC is out, so I’m not feeling friendly .

What I meant was be careful about how you talk about your husband’s attitude. I understand now that you weren’t trying to characterize sex as a need, but when we use ambiguous language, we unintentionally fuel incorrect perceptions regarding sex.

The fact is that many individuals, men and women, young and old, married and single, view sex as a need when it is simply not. The real need is to love and to be loved, and sex between a husband and wife just happens to be one way to show it. The fact that it is indeed a pleasurable way to show love does not mean it is the only way, or even the best way to show love at different stages in life.

The fact that lust results in a perceived need for sex only demonstrates and reinforces the Catholic notion that true freedom lies in God’s goodness and adherence to His Will for us. A man who believes he will be free sexually by getting a vasectomy is showing that he is a slave to his sexual desires that he believes to be needs.

In other words, you husband believes he will find freedom by selling his sexuality into slavery. This will only serve to deepen his lust that he has likely made an honest effort to eliminate. It seems to me that he would enslave his sexuality because he believes it frees something else. He is looking for freedom from his parents, freedom from fear of more children, freedom from ridicule by other friends or family, it could be many things.

He needs to understand that enslaving his sexuality is not going to fix the other problems and fears he has related to accidents, as he calls them.

Ask him to think of his fertility as an enormous jar of expensive coins. Each time you have sex is like investing those coins. Lustful sex could have a negative return, but for the most part the jar at least retains its value. When you get pregnant, that’s when you’ve REALLY hit the jackpot!

There will always be people who make fun of us for carrying around this gigantic, heavy jar. They will tell us to trade it in for a tiny little jar that is light. Unfortunately it happens to be almost worthless. No matter how well it is invested, it will never, ever be worth as much as the heavy jar you traded in.