DH doesn't think i should - should i?

[JLCecilia]

My parents have offered to pay for me to get Invisalign and I’ve wanted to for so long, but DH thinks it’s frivolous. It kinda kills me to think of how much they’re willing to pay for my teeth when we really need to redo our bathroom - but I don’t have the nerve to just ask my folks for the cash.

My dentist has recommended it for me b/c of how my teeth are wearing unevenly, he says this is the cause of all the work I’ve had to have done and it’s only gonna get worse. I want to believe him to justify my position, but part of me thinks he’s just selling a product.

I actually feel guilty as though accepting this gift from my parents means NOT doing something for DH just b/c the money could prob. be spent better, but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

 

[whm]

My feeling has been that invisalign is a way for dentists to get into the highly profitable orthodontics realm. My dentist’s hygienist was pushing it hard. For me going to the dentist feels like going to a jiffy lube these days, they are going to try and sell you a bunch of stuff. If I were you I would go to an orthodotist to get a professionals opinion. If Invisalign is the answer, the orthodotist can recommend it to you and probably implement it better.

That being said, it seems really odd to me that your husband would have a problem with your parents paying for orthodotics? It makes no sense, your parents aren’t just giving you money, they are giving you money for a specific purpose. Probably because they feel guilty for not getting you braces when you were a teenager. It would be a slap in the face to turn around and use that money for furniture.

 

[Irishmom2]

My parents have offered to pay for me to get Invisalign and I’ve wanted to for so long, but DH thinks it’s frivolous. It kinda kills me to think of how much they’re willing to pay for my teeth when we really need to redo our bathroom - but I don’t have the nerve to just ask my folks for the cash. Nor should you.

My dentist has recommended it for me b/c of how my teeth are wearing unevenly, he says this is the cause of all the work I’ve had to have done and it’s only gonna get worse. I want to believe him to justify my position, but part of me thinks he’s just selling a product.

I actually feel guilty as though accepting this gift from my parents means NOT doing something for DH just b/c the money could prob. be spent better, Except they are not offering it for your bathroom…but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks. And it is.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

First of all, to decide whether you really need them, get a second opinion if you don’t know if your dentist is just selling a product. Or better yet, see an orthodontist. Invisalign may not be the best option for you, but the only one your dentist can offer.

It is not “frivolous” if you are not just having your teeth fixed for cosmetic reasons, and in some cases, that is sometimes important as well. If your teeth will worsen over time, you should look into getting them fixed. It is easy to say when you are young that it is no big deal, but as you get older, you will wish you had it done. I know I wish I had done it and even now think about still doing it as my teeth are shifting and turning.

Your husband is wrong to think that your parents should not offer to pay for braces, but for your bathroom redo. The two are not connected. If what they are doing is a gift to you, they get to decide on the gift without him thinking that they should have given the gift of a new bathroom instead. You will eventually fix your bathroom on your own, you probably wouldn’t ever fix your teeth and that is why they offered you that option. It doesn’t sound like your teeth are a priority for your husband right now, or possibly ever.

People need to learn to be gracious receivers.

 

[dailey]

My parents have offered to pay for me to get Invisalign and I’ve wanted to for so long, but DH thinks it’s frivolous. It kinda kills me to think of how much they’re willing to pay for my teeth when we really need to redo our bathroom - but I don’t have the nerve to just ask my folks for the cash.

My dentist has recommended it for me b/c of how my teeth are wearing unevenly, he says this is the cause of all the work I’ve had to have done and it’s only gonna get worse. I want to believe him to justify my position, but part of me thinks he’s just selling a product.

I actually feel guilty as though accepting this gift from my parents means NOT doing something for DH just b/c the money could prob. be spent better, but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

This isn’t about your husband. Not sure why he would object…but if you have a good relationship with your parents, and they won’t throw it in your face later, I say get it done!

 

[JLCecilia]

Irishmom2 - you are right, I may never prioritize getting my teeth fixed. The bathroom will get done without a doubt, but I can’t speak with the same for getting my teeth done.

whm - I agree. I hadn’t been to the dentist for about 10 years and when I went back, I specifically chose the new provider in town b/c they carry Invisalign. But I def. think they are a little pushy with products and even services. I think the only thing holding me back from a second opinion is the cost of paying for a specialty visit, plus the time off of work and putting gas in the tank to travel out of town for said visit.

Sometimes, though, I really think I SHOULD get a second opinion from a less sales-driven practitioner with all the work I’ve had done. I went along with the first few fillings, but then one they said was so bad they wanted to cap 2 teeth. It really wasn’t giving me any pain, but they convinced me that if I let it go, I may have to have more extensive/ expensive work done. So I went for it. Sometimes I’m really skeptical and I don’t mind saying, ‘no, not right now,’ and other times I figure, well maybe this is really they’re professional opinion. I never really know for sure, but I do my best

Yeah, at my last cleaning they broke out a new toy: microdermabrasion for my gums. I’m like, really? I wasn’t overly impressed. Sometimes the massage chair and the Satellite t.v. in the exam room are a little much for me, but whatever.

 

[CrazyRachel]

My parents have offered to pay for me to get Invisalign and I’ve wanted to for so long, but DH thinks it’s frivolous. It kinda kills me to think of how much they’re willing to pay for my teeth when we really need to redo our bathroom - but I don’t have the nerve to just ask my folks for the cash.

My dentist has recommended it for me b/c of how my teeth are wearing unevenly, he says this is the cause of all the work I’ve had to have done and it’s only gonna get worse. I want to believe him to justify my position, but part of me thinks he’s just selling a product.

I actually feel guilty as though accepting this gift from my parents means NOT doing something for DH just b/c the money could prob. be spent better, but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

Oh hun, if your parents want to pay for this treatment then you let them. I know its difficult accepting money and we feel guilty etc but you will always be your mother and father’s baby and they want the best for you. Plus this sounds like a medical issue. Teeth are very important and its best to save them now than wait until too much damage has been done and it’ll be too late to salvage them, especially seeing as how the dentist says the problem will only get worse (and I know what you mean when you say you think he may just be selling a product, I often feel that way about dentists, but more often than not with theeth its true, the problem will only worsen. How many people do I know who’ve said “oh I wish I got this problem sorted when I was younger”? Lots lol). You and your hubby can always save up to do up the bathroom. Also if something medical like having your teeth taken care of is frivolous then surely so is redecorating a bathroom. Its nice to have a nice bathroom sure, but its better to take care of your teeth as once the damage is done with teeth there is no going back. Bathrooms can get decorated then redocorated then re-redecorated.

 

[JLCecilia]

Many thanks for settling my nerves on this

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree that you should get another opinion, and from an orthodontist. Your teeth ARE important, you don’t get another set of them, and when they start rotting out, things can get really bad. Or wearing out, from a bad bite. You need to take care of them as best you can. If you have strong teeth, that’s great, and it can be a real asset. I have so many root canals and crowns b/c my teeth were terrible from the start. I guess my mom didn’t have as much calcium as she needed when she was pregnant.

YOU are more important than your bathroom. Seriously.

 

[Julia_Mae]

but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

It’s between you and your doctor. As someone who has had a history of dental issues that have to do with misalignment, I can tell you it becomes a serious health issue as you age. It can cause chronic infections, which was the direct cause of my own early heart attacks in my mid-forties. This isn’t about your appearance, it’s about your health. It’s also HUGELY LESS expensive over your lifetime than the number of dental visits and procedures you will have from the misalignment.

You are more important than a bathroom. Or any other thing.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I agree that you should get another opinion, and from an orthodontist. Your teeth ARE important, you don’t get another set of them, and when they start rotting out, things can get really bad. Or wearing out, from a bad bite. You need to take care of them as best you can. If you have strong teeth, that’s great, and it can be a real asset. I have so many root canals and crowns b/c my teeth were terrible from the start. I guess my mom didn’t have as much calcium as she needed when she was pregnant.

YOU are more important than your bathroom. Seriously.

I see we are in agreement again!

I’m sorry for your teeth, BTDT. I am going to do a commercial here for Crest ProHealth mouthwashes and toothpaste. The clinical strength really kicks bacterial butt. I don’t want you having any heart attacks.

 

[Irishmom2]

whm - I agree. I hadn’t been to the dentist for about 10 years and when I went back, I specifically chose the new provider in town b/c they carry Invisalign. But I def. think they are a little pushy with products and even services. I think the only thing holding me back from a second opinion is the cost of paying for a specialty visit, plus the time off of work and putting gas in the tank to travel out of town for said visit.

Sometimes, though, I really think I SHOULD get a second opinion from a less sales-driven practitioner with all the work I’ve had done. I went along with the first few fillings, but then one they said was so bad they wanted to cap 2 teeth. It really wasn’t giving me any pain, but they convinced me that if I let it go, I may have to have more extensive/ expensive work done. So I went for it. Sometimes I’m really skeptical and I don’t mind saying, ‘no, not right now,’ and other times I figure, well maybe this is really they’re professional opinion. I never really know for sure, but I do my best

Yeah, at my last cleaning they broke out a new toy: microdermabrasion for my gums. I’m like, really? I wasn’t overly impressed. Sometimes the massage chair and the Satellite t.v. in the exam room are a little much for me, but whatever.

Hmmm… Sounds like this dentist is pushing the products to pay for his massage chair and TV. It might be time for another new dentist and forget the invisalign altogether and go for regular braces. I believe they are less expensive anyway. I heard the invisalign aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Call around and make an appointment with an orthodontist for a consultation. Around here, they don’t even charge just to look. But it might be different where you are. Good luck.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I see we are in agreement again!

I’m sorry for your teeth, BTDT. I am going to do a commercial here for Crest ProHealth mouthwashes and toothpaste. The clinical strength really kicks bacterial butt. I don’t want you having any heart attacks.

Thank you. I will get some of those. I take decent care of my teeth now although it is a challenge for me to do so. I put everyone else’s needs way ahead of my own.

That’s why I urge the OP to get another opinion and really consider whether this will help her long-term.

 

[TryingToLearn]

I actually feel guilty as though accepting this gift from my parents means NOT doing something for DH just b/c the money could prob. be spent better, but part of me kinda feels like this is between me and my folks.

Two thoughts, the first a pretty short one, but “this is between me and my folks” really strikes me wrong… Your vocation is to marriage and your husband. This DOES involve your husband and if you are excluding him from the relationship and situation as this comment suggests, that may be part of the problem…

The second part comes from the perspective of a man… but your husband’s objection may be something he won’t admit to or does not recognized. He may feel like he is failing to do his part of taking care of you. Obviously, I don’t know what your situation is, but if you have a need for bathroom repairs, you have a medical need, and probably have other financial needs, etc. He well may see that the ortho work is something important, and not frivolous, as he also sees the house maintenance as something needed. He may be seeing it that there are family needs that he is failing to provide. So, he might rationalize that the expense is frivolous to help him cope with the sense of failure he feels in not being able to provide for the family needs.

It may be a subconscious thing that he doesn’t even recognize and which even if identified he might reject or refuse to acknowledge because he feels it is admitting he is failing to care for you the way he promised.

This can be a very delicate matter. He may really recognize that there is a need, that it is not frivolous. But that doesn’t make it better, that makes it worse. If it’s a need that he can’t provide for you, it can create a sense of failure, or inadequacy, and as well intentioned as your parents are, it is something that you need to really make sure isn’t going to harm your relationship with your husband…

Does he honestly, in his heart, feel that he is meeting the expectations he has set for himself as your husband? Are the expectations he has for himself realistic and proper? Is there the level of honesty and intimacy in your relationship that you honestly know the answers to those questions, or does he maybe keep some of those inner conflicts and ideals to himself?

He may need to learn humility, graciously accepting gifts, etc… But… If his “frivolous” objection is just a rationalization to mask some measure of failure that he is feeling, it could really undermine your relationship to keep pushing…

Make sure he sees how much you appreciate him, how terrific a job he is doing of being the husband you and God want him to be, find ways to be on his team in facing the challenges he feels he is coming up short in overcoming. Male pride and sense of duty to care for the family can be overwhelming, irrational, and is a weakness for some men that the devil preys upon to ruin marriages.

Maybe that’s not the case here. But, I think it is important that it to be considered… And given your statement that this is between you and your parents and not him… I’d seriously consider how comfortable and secure he feels about his place as your husband…

 

[SummerSmiles]

Hmmm, it does sound like your dentist office is big on selling/pushing their new products. I would advise getting a second opinion, either from a different dentist or from an orthodontist. It sounds like your orthodontist’s office isn’t in a convenient place for you, which is why I suggested another dentist, but I think you’ll generally get more options and advice from an orthodontist.

If your parents are willing to pay for you to fix your teeth, then I say go for it. It’s very generous of your parents to offer. Remember that it’s a gift; it might seem frivolous to your DH, but gifts don’t always need to be practical. If your teeth aren’t wearing evenly, that could cause bigger problems for you down the road. If that’s the case, then I wouldn’t view the invisalign as frivolous at all.

 

[JLCecilia]

TryingToLearn

Wow, that’s pretty deep. I really did have some hesitation in posting that this is ‘btwn me and my parents’ for the very reasons you mentioned. My knee-jerk answer would be to say that DH probably doesn’t ever think about how he’s measuring up as a husband, but that’s only b/c he never talks about it. If I ask any of the questions you suggested, you’re right, he would either deny it, totally block me out or get miffed. I’ve learned by watching my mom with dad and from past experiences with DH that it isn’t always best to pry - often it’s like picking and picking and picking at something that’s best left alone.

I guess, better put, knowing that I won’t get any answers out of DH, the matter is pretty well left up to me and my folks.

 

[ManOnFire]

Definitely seek the opinion of an Orthodontist. An Orthodontist is a specialist.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Maybe that’s not the case here. But, I think it is important that it to be considered… And given your statement that this is between you and your parents and not him… I’d seriously consider how comfortable and secure he feels about his place as your husband…

I thought this was a very good post. In the same vein, I was wondering if the OPs parents perhaps knew she needed orthodonture when she was younger, and just couldn’t afford it. Now that they can, it would be a way to make up for what they have felt badly about for years. If that were true it would be a nice gesture to let them pay for it. In any case, I think this OP has a good head and heart and will make a good choice.