DH fell for porn AGAIN!

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yessisan

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I am furious and very sad that he’s done this again… his excuse? That we haven’t been intimate in a long time. IT’S NOT LIKE IT WAS MY CHOICE!!! :crying: I had a high risk pregnancy, which I miscarried and had a d&c and we were told to avoid being intimate for 6 wks, then I had a medical procedure done that required another 2 wks of abstinence, all back-to-back.

I’m sick and tired of this. It kills me to find this on the computer. I was just looking for a website I saved and the history was open on the computer and to my surprise, he was looking up pictures of that famous Duprey prostitute (naked, half naked and with exotic lingerie) :mad: 😦 This is the 5th or 6th time I’ve found it since we’ve gotten married (3/2006), and I have no idea how long he’s been at it again (he won’t tell me).

He has no respect for my feelings, for our marriage, or even the fact that we have been thru A LOT and I’ve forgiven him all those times… I have no trust left for him any more… 😦

Any advice? :confused:

ETA: and to make this worse… I am having another surgery in about 3 wks that will correct the shape of my uterus which will allow me to stay pregnant next time I get pregnant and that’g going to require 2 more months of abstinence. 😦
 
I have no advice, but big hugs for you! I’ll pray for you and you hubby.
 
yessisan, I’m sorry.😦 I don’t really think that there are any valid excuses for using porn. Have you both ever talked about counseling together…an him separately for this? If it is a once in a blue moon thing, I wouldn’t be saying this…but, it sounds like he has had episodes with porn before?

I might recall reading that in the past, but just can’t remember now. I’m sorry, yessisan. I think that at this point though, I would really strongly request that he goes into counseling. I think the fact that he makes excuses for it, shows that he doesn’t really see the depth of the problem, maybe?

I will keep you and him in my prayers.
 
We went to retrouvaille before and that stopped it. But he won’t go back to any kind of counseling 😦 I don’t know what to do. He has hurt me too much. I’ve spent the entire evening crying. 😦
 
yessisan said:
We went to retrouvaille before and that stopped it. But he won’t go back to any kind of counseling 😦 I don’t know what to do. He has hurt me too much. I’ve spent the entire evening crying. 😦
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Does he apologize and at least seem remorseful?
 
whatevergirl said:
Does he apologize and at least seem remorseful?
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He always tries to avoid the questioning and gets mad at me for wanting answers. He was just looking away and telling me to leave him alone. He said sorry after he saw me bawling but after 1 hr of me trying to get things out of his mouth… so, basically, he seemed “forced” to do it, I think 🤷

I think he’s ashamed that I caught him again… but remorseful, nope. He was making that excuse saying “what do you expect, we haven’t had sex in a long time”… like that excuses the deed, right?
 
Oh, yessi… I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been through so much in your quest for a child. To have to deal with this on top of that seems so unfair. 😦 There is NO excuse for his behavior. That being said, please realize you have BOTH been through soooooo much lately and it is when we are at our lowest that we are most easily tempted.

Men also handle their grief in very different ways than women. (Again, I feel a need to say it is NOT an EXCUSE, but it could be a contributing factor). The inability to be intimate with you may serve as a reminder of your recent losses and be a “trigger” for him giving in to the temptations of porn. I hope he will reconsider the possibility of counseling, if not for the porn perhaps for grief of the losses you have suffered and the hardship of fertility issues?

I am thinking of you… Sending prayers your way… Hugs!!

ETA: If he had this habit before all your fertility issues and loss then completely disregard everything I have mentioned! 😊
 
yessisan said:
He always tries to avoid the questioning and gets mad at me for wanting answers. He was just looking away and telling me to leave him alone. He said sorry after he saw me bawling but after 1 hr of me trying to get things out of his mouth… so, basically, he seemed “forced” to do it, I think 🤷

I think he’s ashamed that I caught him again… but remorseful, nope. He was making that excuse saying “what do you expect, we haven’t had sex in a long time”… like that excuses the deed, right?
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Ok. Then, that’s the problem, I would imagine. He doesn’t really see the wrongness of it…not only as a husband, but just how it cheapens him, as a male, you know? I think once a man realizes that he was created for better things…and that porn cheapens sex, etc…he will then be able to walk away from it. I would request for him to seek counseling. It is the only way I can see him kicking the habit, if in fact, you feel it’s become a habit.

Hugs to you yessisan! Know it’s not you. :hug3:
 
Lariena said:
Oh, yessi… I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been through so much in your quest for a child. To have to deal with this on top of that seems so unfair. 😦 There is NO excuse for his behavior. That being said, please realize you have BOTH been through soooooo much lately and it is when we are at our lowest that we are most easily tempted.

Men also handle their grief in very different ways than women. (Again, I feel a need to say it is NOT an EXCUSE, but it could be a contributing factor). The inability to be intimate with you may serve as a reminder of your recent losses and be a “trigger” for him giving in to the temptations of porn. I hope he will reconsider the possibility of counseling, if not for the porn perhaps for grief of the losses you have suffered and the hardship of fertility issues?

I am thinking of you… Sending prayers your way… Hugs!!

ETA: If he had this habit before all your fertility issues and loss then completely disregard everything I have mentioned! 😊
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sorry to interupt…i think your entire post is relevant even if he had this problem before,
yessisan,try asking your dh in a gentle way, if it is possible, as to why he is ashamed of what he has done.
 
Like many other things, it’s an addiction. Without knowing too much about the personalities involved, I bet he’s tried to get away from it but gets roped back in at moments of weakness. When I’ve fallen into bad habits I always tell myself, “that was the last time!” Of course, it usually is not. And when caught he probably feels really embarrassed and that’s when he pulls out the lame excuses.

None of this excuses his behavior. But I’m just trying to give a little perspective on what drives it. This may sound corny, but I’ve been able to break my bad habits through prayer, particularly the rosary. Perhaps you should encourage him to pray more, especially in his moments of weakness.
 
My husband used to look and “use” porn more often then I had even realized and he chose to try to stop on his own becuase his own half sister had been molested by his dad (not hers) and she just had no self respect for a very long time and she was a dancer so when he sees those women he often thinks about why they are there.

My mother-in-law sent him a brochure on porn addiction that he read and found a little intriguing I will try to find it and give you the name at least.

Finally, I am in the RCIA program at our parish and I have recieved some very insightful information on sex and love in accordance with God’s plan and the Church’s teachings. Christopher West has fantastic information on this subject and the beauty of sex and marriage is focal in his messages. Have a look at his website **christopherwest.com **and check out some of his books on the theology of the body and try to read them with your DH bc I know my husband read some of this information and it just really “clicked” for him and helped our relationship both sexual and emotional. It really is beautiful and heartwarming, I really think you and your DH would benefit from this lititure. I know obstaing from sex is difficult, but there can be something more there rather than less, an opportunity to grow in love and then the expression of that love will be even more powerful when the time is right.

Good luck and God bless!
 
Seems to be a crime of convience, it’s there, he’s bored, and he messes up.

Just take the computer and throw out in the yard next time he does it. No sense letting a 500 dollar computer break y’all up.
 
yessisan said:
I am furious and very sad that he’s done this again…
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Of course he’s “done it again.” Your numerous posts about your husband make it clear he is not a man of character and integrity. He is easily manipulated by others, by his family, and by his own selfishness.

I’m sorry Yessian, he’s not going to change.
yessisan said:
Any advice? :confused:
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Stop fooling yourself about this man.
 
yessisan said:
ETA: and to make this worse… I am having another surgery in about 3 wks that will correct the shape of my uterus which will allow me to stay pregnant next time I get pregnant and that’g going to require 2 more months of abstinence. 😦
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And you want to have a child with this man . . . why?
 
Dear Yessisan
:mad: I can’t believe your husband treats you like that after all that you have just gone through. Gosh I am SO angry!
When he uses porn he CHEATS on you.
If my husband used porn just ONCE I will tell you what I would do: when he came home his computer would be lying out on the street in 100 pieces. I would not allow a computer in my house anymore for at least a year. That is if he was really sorry!
And if he did it a second time: I would LEAVE him. If he could not be faithful to me I would have no reason to stay with him. He certainly would have given up any priviledge to be with me intimately AND every other way.
I hope you will LEAVE him. This man does not seem like husband material OR dad-material. You deserve better sweet girl…
:crying: Wish you all the best, Hugs
Amber
Also I don’t understand all the people in here who talks as if using porn is no worse than any other thing. “addiction” they call it. I don’t believe that men are animals, but that we ALL have to take responsibility for our actions. To hurt ones spouse like that is not “addiction” it is ADULTERY.
 
yessisan said:
I am furious and very sad that he’s done this again… his excuse? That we haven’t been intimate in a long time. IT’S NOT LIKE IT WAS MY CHOICE!!! :crying: I had a high risk pregnancy, which I miscarried and had a d&c and we were told to avoid being intimate for 6 wks, then I had a medical procedure done that required another 2 wks of abstinence, all back-to-back.

I’m sick and tired of this. It kills me to find this on the computer. I was just looking for a website I saved and the history was open on the computer and to my surprise, he was looking up pictures of that famous Duprey prostitute (naked, half naked and with exotic lingerie) :mad: 😦 This is the 5th or 6th time I’ve found it since we’ve gotten married (3/2006), and I have no idea how long he’s been at it again (he won’t tell me).
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Lets look at this in some type of context too. He was looking at one thing. Did he search for it? Did he get rick rolled by a friend into an e-mail and then looked at it? Maybe he wanted to get caught? He doesn’t want to talk about it probably because he is ashamed or you are hen pecking him.

Not to mention that if you demand he change his behavior he most likely will not.
 
Hi nmoerbeek–I think that the behavior has been repetitive, from what I recall reading from yessisan’s other threads. and other posters have mentioned in this thread.We wouldn’t just let a drug addict (whom we’re married to) continue taking drugs would we? Porn addiction isn’t any different, but for some reason, it’s treated differently or viewed differently by many.

As a spouse, it’s our obligation even to help our spouses get to heaven, and also, we have a right to wish our spouses to be loving and caring to us. I don’t think that yessisan’s behavior is out of the norm, for someone who has been dealing with a husband who has been treating her badly for a while.
 
1ke said:
Of course he’s “done it again.” Your numerous posts about your husband make it clear he is not a man of character and integrity. He is easily manipulated by others, by his family, and by his own selfishness.

I’m sorry Yessian, he’s not going to change.

Stop fooling yourself about this man.
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How would you know if he is a man of integrity or character? There is far more to a man than what is posted about him on the internet.

Forgetting all the great sinners that became Saints? Did you forget the gospels? I think your observation is harmful to a women in an emotional state about her marriage.

The first shall be last and the last shall be first.
 
Dear yessisan

Sins of impurity can be extremely alluring and form strong habits, sometimes to such a degree that even otherwise devout catholics end up falling. If your DH truly has an addiction, he is not going to break his sinful habit without being ready to face what could become the worst struggle of his life. To overcome a true addiction, he must first want to change himself and be totally honest about it. Thus allowing the two of you to fight it together. Anyway if it is not a true addiction problem, the solution is much easier.
BamaRider said:
Seems to be a crime of convience, it’s there, he’s bored, and he messes up.

Just take the computer and throw out in the yard next time he does it. No sense letting a 500 dollar computer break y’all up.
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Bama gives some good advice. However since it might be impossible to get rid of the computer or the Internet due to work, I will offer the two of you an alternative. Get yourself a porn filter, one that will have you as the administrator. Safeeyes (internetsafety.com) would be an excellent choice, it is easy to use, can be as safe as you want it to be and will notify you every time he tries to access the wrong type of web page. I am sure there is other software that can do the same, but it is the best one that I have personally seen. You and your husband are in my prayers.

God bless you
TL
 
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