DH fell for porn AGAIN!

[nmoerbeek]

Hi nmoerbeek–I think that the behavior has been repetitive, from what I recall reading from yessisan’s other threads. and other posters have mentioned in this thread.We wouldn’t just let a drug addict (whom we’re married to) continue taking drugs would we? Porn addiction isn’t any different, but for some reason, it’s treated differently or viewed differently by many.

As a spouse, it’s our obligation even to help our spouses get to heaven, and also, we have a right to wish our spouses to be loving and caring to us. I don’t think that yessisan’s behavior is out of the norm, for someone who has been dealing with a husband who has been treating her badly for a while.

**
It is also our obligation to not bully someone into the gates of heaven** It takes zero holiness to do something when threatened with worldly consequences.

 

[nmoerbeek]

I actually recommend this service that is free call OPENDNS
opendns.com/

It is much more effective than a standard porn filter and does not effect performance on the computer.

 

[whatevergirl]

**
It is also our obligation to not bully someone into the gates of heaven** It takes zero holiness to do something when threatened with worldly consequences.

Oh, I agree with you. I don’t get the sense that she’s bullying him though…I think more than anything, she is at a loss for what to do.

I just hope for anyone who is addicted to anything, that they will surrender and let God show them a better way.

PS: nmoerbeek–question for you on that filter. My dh nor I have a problem with porn, but we get these ridiculous spams that look without opening them to be porn of some sort. Is there a filter to put on to the computer, so we stop getting those spams? If I go on Victoria’s Secret website, I’ll get all kinds of crazy popups for the next week…and the spams start. I mean, the porn industry will do just about anything it seems to get into a person’s life. My kids even see these pop ups sometimes. So, will that filter work for that, too?

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh yeah, and welcome to CAF.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear whatevergirl

PS: nmoerbeek–question for you on that filter. My dh nor I have a problem with porn, but we get these ridiculous spams that look without opening them to be porn of some sort. Is there a filter to put on to the computer, so we stop getting those spams? If I go on Victoria’s Secret website, I’ll get all kinds of crazy popups for the next week…and the spams start. I mean, the porn industry will do just about anything it seems to get into a person’s life. My kids even see these pop ups sometimes. So, will that filter work for that, too?

A good filter will block the pop ups and the links, but I have not seen anyone who blocks spam.

God bless you
TL

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

It is not a wife’s responsibility to parent her husband. Installing internet filters, and other things against his will** will only lead to him becoming even more secretive and resentful.

In Yessi’s situation (from ALL of her previous posts) it is clear that he is not willing to change. A wife can only help her husband as much as he wants to be helped. I think that Yessi would be more willing to accept that this may be an addiction if her husband were willing to get help. Refusing further counseling, making excuses, and treating her badly is the sign of a man of poor character. She does not desrve this!

Yessi, please please please put yourself first right now. Spend some time alone, just you and God, and really listen for what He may be calling you to do.

I know how much you want to have a baby right now…but is this really the type of man you want as the father? If you have a son, this is how he will teach him to treat you and all women. If you have a daughter he will teach her that this is how women desrve to be treated and she will go out and most likely find one of her own to marry.

Please Yessi…you need some time to think and pray. You need time to heal from your miscarriages (not just physically) and to deal with the repetetive hurt that your husband has caused. If he is not willing to try and work on the marriagethen there is NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO. It is time to choose:

1. keep goijg on like you have been and expect to deal with this type of stuff for the rest of your marriage
2. Decide to act to change your situation.

No, I am not advocating divorce. But a separtion may be what is best for her health and to maybe give her husband a wake up call that this is serious (not just the porn…the entire situation).

I will be praying extra hard for you Yessi. And I will be praying to your own personal Saints in heaven…what would they want you, as their mommy, to do?

 

[whatevergirl]

Dear whatevergirl

A good filter will block the pop ups and the links, but I have not seen anyone who blocks spam.

God bless you
TL

Oh that stinks. Well, we just delete them. But, I am tired of the racy titles And I think to myself…what sites are we viewing? lol But, it’s typically if I go on VS’s site looking at clothes…or if dh goes on some of the NFL sites…go figure, we start getting the pop ups and spam.

I just hate it when these pop ups come on and ds or dd are sitting there im’ing their friends…they are like…we need a better filter, guys! I thought we had a good filter, and we have not seen these for a while, until yesterday. I went into a site, that I guess had porn ads like hidden within the site popping up… and there you go.

 

[nmoerbeek]

Oh that stinks. Well, we just delete them. But, I am tired of the racy titles And I think to myself…what sites are we viewing? lol But, it’s typically if I go on VS’s site looking at clothes…or if dh goes on some of the NFL sites…go figure, we start getting the pop ups and spam.

I just hate it when these pop ups come on and ds or dd are sitting there im’ing their friends…they are like…we need a better filter, guys! I thought we had a good filter, and we have not seen these for a while, until yesterday. I went into a site, that I guess had porn ads like hidden within the site popping up… and there you go.

This is not like a standard filter. It actually reroutes traffic through a server where they sort out if it is malicious or not. While it will not stop the spam it might stop the pop ups that come with the spam.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear Malia

It is not a wife’s responsibility to parent her husband. Installing internet filters, and other things against his will** will only lead to him becoming even more secretive and resentful.

In Yessi’s situation (from ALL of her previous posts) it is clear that he is not willing to change. A wife can only help her husband as much as he wants to be helped. I think that Yessi would be more willing to accept that this may be an addiction if her husband were willing to get help. Refusing further counseling, making excuses, and treating her badly is the sign of a man of poor character. She does not desrve this!

If he doesn’t want to change or improve his marriage, nothing can be done except prayer. Anyway I would recommend anybody raising a family to get a porn filter.

God bless you
TL

 

[yessisan]

I haven’t read all the replies just yet, but if anyone has bad things to say, like 1ke and KCT, then don’t post. Otherwise, I’m going to ask, once again, for a moderator to close the thread, like the other times since you guys just hammer me down with bad commnets. Thanks for “trying”, but commennts like that are not welcome.

 

[yessisan]

Ok, now that I am caught up, I am not leaving this man just for falling for his addiction again. He faught it for a long time, and you know? I am sick and tired of trying to defend him from people. I am not divorcing him, I am not going to get separated. Why do people question me if he’s the kind of man I want to have a baby with? I’m sorry but this has just about made me not want to come back here any more.

I thank those of you with good interest in helping me out, but a person CAN change. He has changed and we’ve been to counseling, yeah, last night he might have tried to avoid me but that doesn’t mean he just won’t try to get help… when I said he didn’t want couseling it was from a problem from the past… I haven’t even asked him this time… He’s embarrassed I caught him, he’s not going to use the internet any more, I am not throwing away my new $1500 computer ( ), we agreed to put a lock on the internet and only I will know the code. If he wants to use the net, he will have to ask me. When we move to the new house we will not have internet any more.

For those who were asking, dh was introduced to porn when he was 12 by his friends. He used it a lot until I caught him, it became less of a problem, and began doing that less and less. Last time he did it was maybe over a yr ago… either way, doing this again broke my heart again. I am NOT GOING TO DESERT MY DH.

BTW, he’'s not Catholic but I CAN push the bible reading and the prayer on him… Oh, and we have some of Christopher West’s books, but I’m the only one who reads them

Anywho, I’m asking the mods to close this. Thanks for the nice responses and for the not so nice, I’ve know you for a long time and you helped me thru the hardest times, but you don’t really know what has gone on in my house… dh HAS changed. If he commits a sin like porn, why do you pin him down to the floor and want me to desert him? It makes me sad that every chance some of you get, you always want to talk smack about him.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

The forums seem to have a lot of things to say about husbands and boyfriends quite often. On one hand, they’re praised as the spiritual head, but the moment he messes up, we’re supposed to leave. [Ditto- a woman doesn’t want to have sex, she’s depressed and maybe post partum, a man doesn’t want to have sex- he’s having an affair and viewing porn. Double standard much?]

I’ll pray for you and your husband, you do the same. You can work this out in time- nothing is impossible with God. The rosary can stop wars, prayer can change everything. As can love- you love your husband, God is Love, and I’m sure your husband loves you too.

And for those that say leave- The vows are In Good Times and Bad. In sickness and in health. This is a sickness, it is a bad time. It’s easy to stay in good times, we are called to stay in bad as well.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**his excuse? That we haven’t been intimate in a long time. **

This is the 5th or 6th time I’ve found it since we’ve gotten married (3/2006), and I have no idea how long he’s been at it again **(he won’t tell me).
**
**He has no respect for my feelings, for our marriage, or even the fact that we have been thru A LOT and I’ve forgiven him all those times… I have no trust left for him any more…

Any advice? **

**Yessi, what do you need to hear? Read these words quoted above. They are YOURS. If they weren’t your, but those of a dear friend or sister, what would YOUR advise be?

Because now that I reread your post, you are asking for advise. I am sorry you do not like what you are hearing from some of us. But we don’t like what we are hearing from you and think you do not deserve to be treated this way.

This is beyond a one dimensional porn problem. You say yourself he has no respect for you. What kind of advise can we give YOU that will make HIM respect you and your marriage??? I am seriously confused as to why you are so angry.**

 

[yessisan]

The respect part… I was talking about the porn. Malia, I’ve always cherished your posts and your advise, but seriously, I am angry because people just tell me to leave him. I was asking for advice on how to handle the situation of him falling for porn.

Anyway… Can’t people be Godly and forget and just take things just from one post? If I have forgiven him for his many mistakes, why can the rest of you?

Pro-Life Teen, thanks for your words… I will keep you in my prayers too.

TO ALL: PLEASE DON"T POST ANYMORE. The mods are off today and I really don’t want to read things like that any more.

 

[ChelseaRae]

Yessian, I know you just said not to post anymore but I tried to PM you and it said I couldn’t. I know what it is like to be in your situation (…I am…) and I have something I would like to share with you, I feel very much the same way you do about the situation you described. Could I email you or something please?

 

[beckycmarie]

Dear Yessi,

I am going to take this in a totally different direction, speaking as a woman who has overcome a porn addiction.

I was also exposed to it at a young age, and with four males in the house growing up, at any given time one of them had a stash hidden somewhere.

I was very adept at covering my tracks - I knew how to keep what I was looking at out of the internet history, cache, temp internet files - in 5 years of marriage I was not caught. And my husband works with computers for a living.

BUT, if I had been caught, I would have behaved EXACTLY like your husband, and have shut down and made excuses. Not because I didn’t love my spouse, but because of the extreme shame and embarrassment of being busted. The last thing I would want to do is talk about it. Trust me, your husband has probably punished himself a lot in his own mind every time he’s given in to that temptation. Being confronted on it just adds humiliation on top of the shame in his heart - it’s like putting salt in a wound. To the spouse doing the confronting, the addict’s behavior may appear nonchalant or disrespectful, but it’s all a defense so they don’t show the real pain and tremendous guilt underneath that exterior. For me, it has taken nearly a year into being free from that sin that I will even talk about it to help others.

Porn addiction is a real addiction just like drug or alcohol addiction. It is not something that is easy to just turn off overnight.

But, people can change. God can heal anyone who will let Him.
My addiction ended when I did the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. That same website also offers the first Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addictions Recovery, which is run through a secure forum. Perhaps you can get your husband to give one or both of those links a go.

With prayers,
Becky