DH hit us...

[yessisan]

Two nights ago I got home from work and DH had dinner already ready for us to eat. We were talking about what it means to love God. Because he kept on interrupting me when it was my turn to speak, I changed the subject to something else. We are doing some family things that require us to have an attorney, but our attorney resides in Chicago and we live in California. He told me he asked the attorney to send any mail to DH’s aunt’s house. I was asking him why he did that, if she needed something from us I wouldn’t know and his aunt would have to forward that mail to us every time. He got angry and started raising his voice. I was upset he raised it so I told him to go to heck and he called me names. I was furious so I just got up from the dinner table, grabbed a jacket, my purse and car keys and left.

When I came back 2 hrs later, he was in our bedroom w/the door closed. Since it was 9pm I went to the kitchen got some cereal and let our dog inside the house. He’s a big dog, so we can’t keep him inside all day. I turned the tv on and started watching 24. Then he opens the door and comes to the family room and asks if I had spoken to my parents about a job he’s doing for them, all I said was “why don’t you call them?”. He got mad and asked again, and I responded the same way. Since I didn’t give him a yes or no answer he got mad and kicked our dog so hard the poor thing screamed.

I got up and went up to him so angry asking him why he had to hit my dog. I didn’t think of what I was doing so I almost slapped him, but when I was going to do it, I stepped backwards and accidentally I stepped on my dog’s paw so he cried really loud (my poor Bear). I completely forgot about being angry at DH and went straight to Bear but he wouldn’t let me touch him. He finally calmed down and I made sure I didn’t hurt his paw. I was still angry at DH for having hit the dog so I pulled out the futon to make it a bed. So I ended up “sleeping” there that night.

Then in the morning I got up, took a shower and while getting ready for work DH started getting ready to go to my parents’. I grabbed my stuff and headed to the door. He called me to the kitchen and I went up to him. He said he had made me lunch. I didn’t want to take it because I was still mad about the dog thing. I don’t really remember how we started arguing again. I told him not to ever get near my dog again, and he said it was my fault that he had hit him. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me. He called me a child for defending the dog. I said if anyone was a child it was him for taking it against an innocent creature. Then DH got angry and said he didn’t do anything yesterday for me to get mad, I reminded him he started calling me names during dinner the night before and he called me whe. I was so mad he had called me that I slapped him. I shouldn’t have but I did. I had told him before never to call me that or bch, because those words make me angry. Next thing I remember he had slapped me and pushed me so hard I fell to the floor and flew out of the kitchen. :crying:

I couldn’t believe what he had just done; I still can’t believe he did that. :bigyikes: I grabbed my purse and ran to the car. I turned it on and tried calling my sister. No answer. My next call was to my mom. I didn’t think it through before I was already telling her what had happened. My mom was angrier than me and called my aunt so she could pick me up and she called my boss telling her I couldn’t go to work. All day was a big blur, I felt so violated. No man in my family has ever hit a woman; no woman in my family has ever gotten hit by a man. I couldn’t believe I had. DH called me many times trying to see if I was coming home or what I was going to do. I went home in the evening to pick up some clothes for a few days and I left.

I slept at my sister’s last night but he called several times. I told him I didn’t want to speak to him. I apologized for having slapped him but that what he did wasn’t excused by anything. I know I did wrong too, but the fact that he hit his wife… we’ve only been married for a year. I’m afraid he’ll do it again. I’m afraid that if I decide not to leave him and have a family w/him, I’ll have to explain to our future children why I have bruises on me… (continued)

 

[yessisan]

(continued)

I don’t know what to do. Tonight I don’t know if I should go home or go to my mom’s. I want to go home but I don’t want him to think I’m over it; I don’t want him to think it was ok to have hurt me. I think if I go home I’ll be demoralizing myself and that I’m not giving myself the place I deserve.

My family has told me this could be a time where I can tell him he should start coming to Church with me or I won’t go back with him (remember he’s a JW), but that’s not right, it should come from his heart. I know he wouldn’t do a retrouvaille weekend, so I don’t know what to do…

 

[masondoggy]

Oh wow! I am so sorry. You will be in my prayers.

I don’t really know what kind of advice to give you. Right now, your husband sounds like a very dangerous person to be around and I can’t in good conscience tell you to go home and try to work it out with him.

I think you need to get in contact with a good priest for counseling and maybe a battered woman’s shelter. And please, go get the dog. He will most likely take his anger out on it again, especially if he thinks your leaving him.

 

[jc-servant]

He is not right in his behavior and neither are you. An apology does not excuse anyone slapping another person, so don’t minimize what you did by saying that you apologized and then state that he had no excuse. Neither of you had any excuse to get so out of hand.

If you both have so little respect for each other that you curse and fight like that over trivial nonsense, then please separate and get some professional counseling before someone goes to jail or gets really hurt. If a neighbor had called the police on your noise, then both of you might have ended up in jail for domestic violence.

 

[rayne89]

I wouldn’t go back home at this point. I would insist on counseling. If this isn’t dealt with it could get much uglier. Neither of you handled this disagreement very well but I agree a man should never hit a woman. And kicking the dog is awful too. You already know you shouldn’t have slapped him.
This needs to be taken very seriously and counseling is a must for both of you. And making him go to church is not going to fix any of this. You both need to learn how to handle conflict and anger better.

 

[Rawb]

And please, go get the dog. He will most likely take his anger out on it again, especially if he thinks your leaving him.

I would say yessian shouldn’t be the one to get the dog. Preferrably a man who won’t hit Mr. yessian should go get the dog, and refuse to get into the subject if Mr. yessian confronts him.

Just my policy - if a man hits a woman, that’s it.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

yessisan,

There is so much more going on here than that your DH hit you and kicked your dog. (BTW, when you put “DH hit us…” in the subject line, I thought you meant your children. Now I see that you, apparently, do not yet have children.)

From what I see in your post, you had a terrible fight that continued to escalate until you slapped him and he hit you back. He should never do that, ever, but it does seem that you hit him first.

Neither of you communicated well during this entire episode. You never worked anything out. I think your husband tried to apologize by making that sandwich, but you were not yet ready to accept his overtures.

What you both need is open communication. You need to have a conversation where you own up to everything that you did to contribute to that out of control situation. You need to tell him that you never want another situation like that to occur in your family, for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of your future children. You both need to work out how to better resolve conflict so that you both can feel secure that nothing like that will happen again.

 

[masondoggy]

He is not right in his behavior and neither are you. An apology does not excuse anyone slapping another person, so don’t minimize what you did by saying that you apologized and then state that he had no excuse. Neither of you had any excuse to get so out of hand.

If you both have so little respect for each other that you curse and fight like that over trivial nonsense, then please separate and get some professional counseling before someone goes to jail or gets really hurt. If a neighbor had called the police on your noise, then both of you might have ended up in jail for domestic violence.

I agree that the OP was also wrong in slapping her DH. But, there is a significant difference between slapping someone and slapping and pushing someone so hard that they fly into another room. Coupled with the name calling, this is a very dangerous situation for the OP and should not be taken lightly.

 

[DAWNCUROLE]

I am sorry this has happened to you. I know you probably want to go back. IMHO you need to find a counselor (preferably Catholic), try www.cathoilctherapist.com, who can help you and your husband deal with these anger management issues. It sounds like this may have been brewing for a time. The pattern for abuse is there. Taking things out of your control (paper from lawyers), blaming you for his actions (him hitting the dog), and then trying to seek forgiveness (making dinner & your lunch). Talk to a lawyer and your local domestic abuse hotline, they can help you decide if it is safe to move home right away. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[masondoggy]

I would say yessian shouldn’t be the one to get the dog. Preferrably a man who won’t hit Mr. yessian should go get the dog, and refuse to get into the subject if Mr. yessian confronts him.

Just my policy - if a man hits a woman, that’s it.

Agreed.

 

[bunnynessuk]

He is the man and he it you his wife - that is wrong a woman hitting a man is entirely different and it really is men have far mroe physical strength and he should never have retalitaed!

I would say dont go back get out while you can because if after 1 year of marriage he is calling you a wh*re and pushing you thats it go get out whilst you can!

 

[kamz]

In my opinion just the fact that he is JW is a very large hurdle for any marriage and I don’t know how you can honestly believe that if you have kids it will be fine with him that you raise them Catholic… and what if you died God forbid?

Second, yes, you were wrong slapping him and he was wrong slapping you… sounds like you both need very serious help… under these circumstances I would not go home… seriously… my hubby and I have been married 14 years and he is not Catholic and early on in our marriage we had some pretty big fights but he NEVER touched me, he would walk out the door and go for a long drive or walk so he could cool down but never did he lay a hand on me… I never would have stayed… never!!

Once a hit happens it is only the beginning… my sister is a social worker and she See’s it every single day… once a man hits a woman it almost always happens again… because if they can do it once… it proves that they have it in them to do it… like some men would let a woman hit them a thousand times and still they would rather turn and walk away than hit her back… you were wrong too but in most cases a man is so much stronger than a woman. I think you need serious help… it is so much more than just this… your husband is in a cult, plain and simple and this is not going to go away… you will always have this underlying stress in your marriage… his church will never let him not think about this… and if you have kids his church will tell him they must be JW and will pressure him non stop and he may very well become violent with you over that… please get help now and not later when kids are involved… please

 

[Teakafrog]

Any man who will hit a woman once will do it again. Leave, and don’t go back.

 

[CatholicSamurai]

This will be my one and only question:

Why did you marry each other?

I have only been married for a good 5 months. I promised not to hurt my wife but I’m just a weak man. There are times when my wife will just absolutely drive me over the wall and I will feel like I want none of it anymore. However, if I reflect on the why then I will know the how. I never have hurt my wife physically and I pray I never will, I don’t want to. I’d rather take my beating myself.

Although sounds like your dh needs some anger management sessions. And you sound like you need to be more honest with yourself.

Again, just my :twocents:.

 

[Lorik]

You’re both acting like children.

 

[dawgfan]

All I can say is I understand, :crying:

And although our situation is not entirely the same, all I can say is that sometimes you have to pay attention to some signs you see.

I’ll pray for you two.

 

[LSK]

those who have posted here and pointed out how very childishly you BOTH acted have very good points. And it should also be noted that there is a big difference between a woman slapping a man across the face for calling her dirty names - ESPECIALLY a man who would call his WIFE those kind of names - and hitting a woman so hard she flies into another room and kicking a dog so hard it screams.

You are both in my prayers. Get that dog away from him and put him in a shelter if you have to…we are stewards of our animals.

 

[Island_Oak]

You’re both acting like children.

Any man who will hit a woman once will do it again. Leave, and don’t go back.

I don’t know how old you are…but I would second the opinion you are both acting poorly. I would further anticipate the volatility of your relationship will only escalate as stress does. Consider that perhaps you have made a terrible mistake in getting married–whether because of age/immaturity and/or incompatibility with your partner on many levels. Whatever you do–please do not inflict this chaos and violence on any children. Spending some time apart will assure your physical safety and some mental clarity as you assess your situation and future.

 

[kamz]

I don’t know how old you are…but I would second the opinion you are both acting poorly. I would further anticipate the volatility of your relationship will only escalate as stress does. Consider that perhaps you have made a terrible mistake in getting married–whether because of age/immaturity and/or incompatibility with your partner on many levels. Whatever you do–please do not inflict this chaos and violence on any children. Spending some time apart will assure your physical safety and some mental clarity as you assess your situation and future.

 

[Margita]

Two nights ago I got home from work and DH had dinner already ready for us to eat. We were talking about what it means to love God. Because he kept on interrupting me when it was my turn to speak, I changed the subject to something else.

OK, so that’s where it all started
Your husband made dinner for the two of you. You start talking about God. You get impatient because he interrupts you (first mistake in communication, on both sides - your DH obviously enjoyed the topic, if only too much, and he probably didn’t like it that you switched to sg else). And then… things happened.

Please don’t be angry for what I say, but this… is… ridiculous.
The whole uproar, kicking the dog, calling each other this and that, slapping each other starts with an idillic situation where the attentive hubby makes dinner for his wife and you engage in a table-talk “On Loving God.”

See my point? This is an ironic case-study for “how to make a mess through bad communication.”
You ignored a couple of things. First: in this story, your husband appears as a fairly impatient man, not much in control of what he says (he interrupts you, calls you names). BUT, first he makes dinner, than he makes lunch - for you. So he cannot be written off as a bad man. Something drove him into hitting the dog and you - frustration over his own communication mistakes, and the fact that he just cannot do anything to please you, to appease you.

He is like a child - like a child who just cannot get it right, or cannot satisfy his unreasonable mom who keeps scolding him even after he has shown repentance. You know, frustrated men, especially if they are no orators and their wives slap them, tend to overreact.

I think you should simply sit down like two grown up people and talk it over. I wouldn’t draw too many conclusions from the affair. This was a LESSON for you both. You were pretty good at recalling the details - perhaps you could go over them together, with a third party present to prevent arguments, and file it away as something to learn for a lifetime.

“A mild answer breaketh wrath: but a harsh word stirreth up fury.”
(Proverbs 15:1)