DH hit us...

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Margita said:
This was a LESSON for you both.
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Well, yea. Your right about that. The lesson learned here is that this woman should SERIOUSLY consider whether she should stay with this person and risk having children with him.

What do you think this guy, who so easily and unapologetically, takes his anger out on a helpless dog, will do to a helpless INFANT that won’t stop crying.

This is a SERIOUS warning sign.

I do not believe in advising a person to give up on a marriage. But this is serious business and at the very least, she needs to consult with a priest. Now.
 
True, but I think it is also a serious warning sign and telling of the immaturity of BOTH parties how the whole thing began and evolved. I don’t think either of them should consider havin ga family, with each other or with other partners, without correcting these reactions first.
 
The first red flag was him assulting your dog. My mother always told me to stay away from men who are not humane to animals. Second red flag was the name calling. After that, both of you lost control of yourselves. However, he is the man, and head of the house/family and should have restrained himself.

I guess it would be best to take a break for a while and seek counseling. I would make it a condition that you guys go to counseling before you go back into that house.

I would also get your dog outta there!
 
Margita said:
OK, so that’s where it all started :confused:
Your husband made dinner for the two of you. You start talking about God. You get impatient because he interrupts you (first mistake in communication, on both sides - your DH obviously enjoyed the topic, if only too much, and he probably didn’t like it that you switched to sg else). And then… things happened.

Please don’t be angry for what I say, but this… is… ridiculous.
The whole uproar, kicking the dog, calling each other this and that, slapping each other starts with an idillic situation where the attentive hubby makes dinner for his wife and you engage in a table-talk “On Loving God.”

See my point? This is an ironic case-study for “how to make a mess through bad communication.”
You ignored a couple of things. First: in this story, your husband appears as a fairly impatient man, not much in control of what he says (he interrupts you, calls you names). BUT, first he makes dinner, than he makes lunch - for you. So he cannot be written off as a bad man. Something drove him into hitting the dog and you - frustration over his own communication mistakes, and the fact that he just cannot do anything to please you, to appease you.

He is like a child - like a child who just cannot get it right, or cannot satisfy his unreasonable mom who keeps scolding him even after he has shown repentance. You know, frustrated men, especially if they are no orators and their wives slap them, tend to overreact.

I think you should simply sit down like two grown up people and talk it over. I wouldn’t draw too many conclusions from the affair. This was a LESSON for you both. You were pretty good at recalling the details - perhaps you could go over them together, with a third party present to prevent arguments, and file it away as something to learn for a lifetime.
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The reason why I changed the subject is that he kept on interrupting w/different subjects. He did it 2 or 3 times so I decided to talk about something else because it seemed he wasn’t too interested on what I had to say about loving God.

I always appreciate everything he does for me. Every time I get home from work I thank him for having done every single little thing he did at home. He probably is frustrated at the fact we just bought a house and he had an accident the wk we moved in and he’s on disability so the only income coming to the house is mine with $3000 extra to pay a month along with the extra costs of utitlities we didn’t have to pay when we rented an apartment.

He only cooks dinner because he’s home all day. I used to come home and cook and clean when we both worked. We had a great reletionship until we bought the house 2 months ago.

You are quick to judge, but I am not angry. Right now all I want to do is listen to people and see what they have to say because I am confused. Being the person he is is why I was so surprised he hurt me and our dog.
 
can i ask if he has ever called you those names before?

i believe you mentioned that you had told never to call you a b*h or a we so i am thinking this has happened before?

i know that the added stress of a house is not helping but if this has been happening before, then it is recommended that you get counselling before you get back together to understand why he thinks it is ok to say those words to you…
 
First - glad you are safe. Is the dog safe?

Second - if the financial strain of the house is causing marital problems, maybe you should look at selling the house?

Third - counciling!!

Fourth - PRAYERS!
 
yessisan said:
The reason why I changed the subject is that he kept on interrupting w/different subjects. He did it 2 or 3 times so I decided to talk about something else because it seemed he wasn’t too interested on what I had to say about loving God.
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I know it’s very difficult to do sometimes. But if you’re upset that he keeps changing the subject, let him know. Instead, you changed the subject and were resentful of his interrupting. Maybe he didn’t even realize that what he did bothered you. Assuming that he wasn’t interested in speaking about God without asking him about it is uncharitable.
 
yessisan said:
(continued)

I don’t know what to do. Tonight I don’t know if I should go home or go to my mom’s. I want to go home but I don’t want him to think I’m over it; I don’t want him to think it was ok to have hurt me. I think if I go home I’ll be demoralizing myself and that I’m not giving myself the place I deserve.

My family has told me this could be a time where I can tell him he should start coming to Church with me or I won’t go back with him (remember he’s a JW), but that’s not right, it should come from his heart. I know he wouldn’t do a retrouvaille weekend, so I don’t know what to do… :confused:
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  1. You sound like you were really grouchy with him, i.e “Why don’t you call them”.
  2. Men get easily frustrated.
  3. An already frustrated man gets slapped by his wife.
  4. He responds.
What did you expect him to do? If my wife were rude and cold to me, and then hit me because she had made me mad enough to call her names, I wonder if I could control my anger. Not that hitting you was right. NO NO NO. But, to someone without the sacraments in God’s Church, it can be very difficult.

You don’t know if he meant to hit you so hard. (Sometimes my dad tells me he can’t breathe when I give him a hug).

If you are coming to blows over something so mundane as calling your parents, what will happen if something serious arises? Shotguns will come out?

The one thing I did not like is that your husband had no respect for the dog.

You know your DH, and his character. However, the fact that he made you lunch means that to him, your incident the night before wasn’t too serious to him.

Either that, or he was trying his best to forget the incident, and focus on loving you, which he then felt was rejected. Hence the anger and name calling.

I don’t like it how women think its O.K to slap their husbands and expect nothing in return, and are surprised when they actually hit back.

You made a decision to hit him first.

He made a decision to hit you in response.

And somehow you are the victim?

You both did the same thing. And you started it. Like I said above, men sometimes don’t realise their own strength, and it is super-hypocritical for women to think it alright to hit their husbands just cause it doesn’t really hurt them.

However, because of your respective sizes, you feel more violated.

If your DH is really a wife-beating maniac, then ignore this post, but if he is really your D(dear)H, and you know it was totally out of character, I would suggest you look at what you did to make him so angry.

I am really hoping this was a one-off never to be repeated.

God Bless!
 
Magicsilence,

While I agree that the OP was wrong for slapping her husband, I think you go much to far in placing the blame solely on her.

Just because men “get easily frustrated” is no reason for physical violence and it’s also no excuse to call your wife foul names. The fact that he kicked the dog says a lot about his temper–if he’s going to take his anger out on a helpless animal then who knows what he’d do with an infant in the house.

Yessian, I suggest that you and DH find a counselor. I don’t know that a Catholic counselor would be the best just because he might feel as if he’s being “ganged up on.” It sounds to me like there are deeper issues here than just dinner time conversation.
 
Margita said:
See my point? This is an ironic case-study for “how to make a mess through bad communication.”
You ignored a couple of things. First: in this story, your husband appears as a fairly impatient man, not much in control of what he says (he interrupts you, calls you names). BUT, first he makes dinner, than he makes lunch - for you. So he cannot be written off as a bad man. Something drove him into hitting the dog and you - frustration over his own communication mistakes, and the fact that he just cannot do anything to please you, to appease you.
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He kicked the dog and knocked her into *the next room, he called her a whore -*uh hello? Lunch and dinner don’t quite make up for that. You are blaming her for him hitting her and the dog “something drove him into hitting the dog and you” “the fact that he just cannot do anything to please you” -WHAT??:mad:

My mom can top the b*tch from hell list when’s she’s mad at my dad, she behaves in the most horribly, obnoxious ways. SHe will get up in his face and scream at him, follow him around the house, call him horrible names - my father has NEVER HIT her. My father is not a patient man but this is a line he would never cross because real men do not hit women -ever.

I believe they both really really do not communicate well and need some serious help with that and with dealing with anger. But do not blame the victim here ok? She is responsible for words she chose, she is responsible for slapping him (even though he called her a horrible name) and he is responsible for his words, his extremely inappropriate actions. None of this something drove him cr*p. Mature adults do not blame someone else when they act badly.

My bestfriend used to be abused by her husband. My mom actually asked me “Well what is she doing that is making him so mad?” What?:mad: I told her I don’t care if she slept with every guy on their block he has no right to put his hands on her! It took several years of marriage counseling to get their marriage on track and he now leaves the house when he feels he’s getting too angry. It took the neighbors calling the cops for him to wake up.

I can not believe in this day and age that this mentality still exists.:banghead:
 
I agree, Magicsilence, there is sort of a double standard here. Sure, men are stronger and shouldn’t hit women. But sometimes we don’t realize our own strength. And if you slapped first, I wouldn’t play yourself up to be too much of a victim.

I mean…he was trying to make ammends by making you lunch, and you shoot him down. Having a sincere apology shot down is one of the most hurtful things in my mind. And then to be slapped could push him over the edge.

All over kicking a dog! And if you are married, it isn’t “your” dog. It’s both of yours, property is in common in a Catholic marriage.

The very attached way you spoke about the dog honestly creeped me out a little. Is the dog your husband, or is your husband your husband? If you talked about your dog like that and I was your husband, I would honestly be a bit jealous for the attention and affection. It seems overdone, I could see someone getting eventually worn out by that attitude toward a mere animal. Obsessive pet-lovers can be very irritating that way, to the point that you do want something bad to happen to the pet. It’s not nice to think, but I’m sure some of you know the feeling I’m talking about. There was a woman with a duck on Boston Legal last night like that…

Cruelty to animals isn’t intrinsically evil, it’s only bad because of the emotions and patterns of behavior that it could desensitive towards humans, and the cruel character it builds in the person. But it’s not like the animal is acually self-aware in the strict metaphysical sense, they don’t have a conscious immortal soul. If he was kicking the dog to avoid hitting you…well, that’s sometimes what animals are here for. It would have been better if he hit a pillow or something, but it was a better choice on his part to hit an animal than a person.

And I don’t think women understand how irritating they can be to men also. They can get hysterical, and there is something about the pitch of their voice which can be seductive sometimes on the one hand…and just whiney and nagging on the other. Like a low screech. It’s a bias that we should control, I know, but just as a gut reaction to the voice itself, I just want to hit women more when they yap than men. Women can be very petty and vindictive, and you were being that way.

Stay away for a day or two, let him cool down, and let yourself cool down. I’m not saying the marriage is going to work, but it’s NOT all his fault if it doesn’t.

I know this doesnt sound very traditional…but maybe hitting women IS something real men did in the past. I’ve read about past marriages, and women were kept in line through violence sometimes. Maybe a “rule of thumb” is in order (you cant hit them with anything wider than you’re thumb)…but I think women perhaps have gotten too uppitty and self-entitled, and there is a double standard. That’s where feminism and all that comes from.

I know this whole thing sounds stereotypical, but stereotypes are based in truth, and this is psychologically generally true; women can withhold sex to punish men, but what can men do to punish women especially if women now are allowed to earn their own income? Maybe women would stop daring to fight with men and disrupt the harmony of the household if, in extreme cases, a man slapped one every so often.

Kids need to be spanked more, this “no corporal punishment” fad has proven itself wrong with so many delinquent kids. And maybe women need to be punished more substantially sometimes too. Otherwise, they will think there is no consequences and that they can 8itch and be as obnoxious as they want. They can withhold sex, but what recourse does a man have if he does not have that threat of force looming? I know my grandparent’s generation was filled with hitting wives and children…and we idealize the stability of their marriages. Maybe the natural order of submissive women and children needs some force to restore it.
 
rayne89 said:
He kicked the dog and knocked her into *the next room, he called her a whore -*uh hello? Lunch and dinner don’t quite make up for that.
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The lunch was before he hit her.
But that is beside the point. I won’t quote Magicsilence here, but I agree with him. Just my :twocents:
 
rayne89 said:
He kicked the dog and knocked her into *the next room, he called her a whore -*uh hello? Lunch and dinner don’t quite make up for that. You are blaming her for him hitting her and the dog “something drove him into hitting the dog and you” “the fact that he just cannot do anything to please you” -WHAT??:mad:

My mom can top the b*tch from hell list when’s she’s mad at my dad, she behaves in the most horribly, obnoxious ways. SHe will get up in his face and scream at him, follow him around the house, call him horrible names - my father has NEVER HIT her. My father is not a patient man but this is a line he would never cross because real men do not hit women -ever.

I believe they both really really do not communicate well and need some serious help with that and with dealing with anger. But do not blame the victim here ok? She is responsible for words she chose, she is responsible for slapping him (even though he called her a horrible name) and he is responsible for his words, his extremely inappropriate actions. None of this something drove him cr*p. Mature adults do not blame someone else when they act badly.

My bestfriend used to be abused by her husband. My mom actually asked me “Well what is she doing that is making him so mad?” What?:mad: I told her I don’t care if she slept with every guy on their block he has no right to put his hands on her! It took several years of marriage counseling to get their marriage on track and he now leaves the house when he feels he’s getting too angry. It took the neighbors calling the cops for him to wake up.

I can not believe in this day and age that this mentality still exists.:banghead:
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He is not ABUSING her.

He reacted to being attacked.

Yes, it should NEVER happen. And yes, the line should never be crossed. And yes, it is never excusable. But, it is very understandable, when the man himself was attacked by his wife, whom he already tried to make amends with (it appears).

On here, we think of things rationally and objectively, but in the heat of the moment, we are all capable of nasty things.

I don’t think this is indicative of an ongoing temper problem.

God Bless!
 
If he’s the sort who would kick the dog, and slap and shove his wife to the floor, he’s probably the sort who would abuse his children as well. Kids push buttons and make their parents mad enough to hit them. This fella can’t take it, he’s an emotional basket case.

Do not go home to him.
 
Struggling said:
I know this doesnt sound very traditional…but maybe hitting women IS something real men did in the past. I’ve read about past marriages, and women were kept in line through violence sometimes. Maybe a “rule of thumb” is in order (you cant hit them with anything wider than you’re thumb)…but I think women perhaps have gotten too uppitty and self-entitled, and there is a double standard. That’s where feminism and all that comes from.
.
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Excuse me, but that is the most sexist and misogynistic quote I have ever seen on a Catholic forum, or any forum for that matter. This is exactly what’s going on in the Middle East right now, and many of those women end up killed if they so much as let one strand of hair show or simply for being girls.

I am a woman but I am in no way a piece of chattel meant to be beaten for every misstep. I am a daughter of God, meant to be treated with dignity and respect. I have no disrespect towards the men in my life, I honor my parents, I try my best to be a good girlfriend to my boyfriend, and I celebrate my femininity. I also have plans to become a doctor and aid the prolife movement, something I wouldn’t be able to do without some of that “feminism”.

No spouse should be hitting another. It’s true, she shouldn’t have slapped him, but should he be allowed to call her degrading names? What happened to loving your bride like Christ loves His Church?! And just because it’s their pet, does not give him any right to be cruel to the dog. There is such a crime as animal cruelty and we are called to be good stewards.

Love doesn’t use force or violence. The only time violence should be in issue is IN DEFENSE OF and NOT AGAINST the one you love.

I’ve seen people abused by family members and boyfriends, it is the most horrible thing I have ever seen and I pray to God that I may never see it again.
 
If you love him you will not hit him and if he loves you he will not hit you.

For your husband to react as he did so angril;y over such a small thing I believe that there is much more to his anger and other reasons and for you to respond to him so off hand and to harbour resentment means that there is a history of resentment in you towards him.

This all sounds like a power struggle between you where you want to be in charge and he wants to be in charge and this power struggle has turned violent. Marriage is a partnership and both of you work things out respectfully and there should be no power struggle.

Neither of you are loving each other and putting each other first but both of you are thinking only of yourselves. Marriages like this don’t work until each person starts putting the other person first.

My father hit my mother once when they were in the early years of their marriage when many things are being sorted out and the real ‘getting to know you’ goes on. My grandfather had words with my father and explained they had to work together and that they had to put each otehr first and my father never hit my mother again. The had a good marriage after that. It is not impossble to sort these things out, but it does take putting the otehr person first.

Collect your dog when your husband is not at home or send a friend/family member to collect your dog, leave a note reassuring him of your love and that you hope to return at some point when tempers have died down and both of you can talk it all through calmly listening to each other and thinking of each others welfare.

In my Living Prayer of life.
 
rayne89 said:
But do not blame the victim here ok? She is responsible for words she chose, she is responsible for slapping him (even though he called her a horrible name) and he is responsible for his words, his extremely inappropriate actions. None of this something drove him cr*p. Mature adults do not blame someone else when they act badly.
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I’m having trouble finding a real “victim” here, and am going to join the chorus of folks thinking there is plenty of blame to assign to both parties. I will tell you this, as a man who put up with being repeatedly slapped and cussed at by my ex, I am outraged that there is still a mentality that a woman should not be held responsible for repeatedly escalating the level of conflict when they finally take it to a physical level where they are outmatched. Do you really think the OP be complaining here about his reaction to being hit if her husband had a health condition and was weaker than her?
 
Yessisan,

Your husband needs to get into an anger management course. I think both of you need to get some marriage counselling. Violence is not ok, ever! It wasn’t right of you to slap him but that doesn’t give a man, who is inherently stronger, permission to kick an innocent creature to the point of it screaming, and, hitting his wife so hard that she falls down. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Huge red flag for me that he is blaming his violence on you. If he doesn’t own his actions then where is the impetus for controlling them? Imagine if it hadn’t been the dog but a nine-month old infant crawling in the vicinity during this incident.

Unless he agrees and is actually attending counselling for his anger and violence, I don’t think it’s wise for you to return to that household.

On a side note, please evaluate whether you guys bought more house than you can afford…if the payments are a major stressor for you guys, seriously look at selling the house and either downsizing to something more affordable or going back to renting.

Please know your family is in my prayers. NW
 
I’m sorry to say this but…Both of you are in the wrong. 😦 The only innocent party in this is the poor dog. Poor thing. 😦
Have you considered going to counseling?
I think praying to the Sacred Heart of Jesus for peace in your home would be a good idea. Start a novena and possibly place a picture of Sacred Heart of Jesus in a prominent area and pray pray pray.
 
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