DH hit us...

[blessedstar]

If you love him you will not hit him and if he loves you he will not hit you.

For your husband to react as he did so angrily over such a small thing I believe that there is much more to his anger and other reasons and for you to respond to him so off hand and to harbour resentment means that there is a history of resentment in you towards him.

This all sounds like a power struggle between you where you want to be in charge and he wants to be in charge and this power struggle has turned violent. Marriage is a partnership and both of you work things out respectfully and there should be no power struggle.

Neither of you are loving each other and putting each other first but both of you are thinking only of yourselves. Marriages like this don’t work until each person starts putting the other person first.

You hit your husband and then you are surprised he hit you back. When you hit him can you consider that he acted spontaneously at being hit and lashed right back out at you. You must never hit your husband.

My father hit my mother once when they were in the early years of their marriage when many things are being sorted out and the real ‘getting to know you’ goes on. My grandfather had words with my father and explained they had to work together and that they had to put each other first and my father never hit my mother again. The had a good marriage after that. It is not impossible to sort these things out, but it does take putting the other person first.

Collect your dog when your husband is not at home or send a friend/family member to collect your dog, leave a note reassuring him of your love and that you hope to return at some point when tempers have died down and both of you can talk it all through calmly listening to each other and thinking of each others welfare.

Putting each other first means growing up and both of you need to do that before you consider having children because certainly then you will not be able to think of yourself first when you have a child.

In my Living Prayer of life.

 

[yessisan]

Since I cannot find the words to speak to DH when he calls, I emailed him to see if he’d do a retrouvaille wknd with me, but I don’t think he’ll agree because he’s a JW. He knows I emailed so he’ll call me when he gets home and reads it.

He has called me several times yesterday and today asking me to forgive him, and every time I speak to him I tell him I am trully sorry for having hit him and that he has all the right to be mad too, but that I am mad because I thought he believed hitting women was wrong. He once told me that men can’t even tough a woman w/a rose petal… the fact that I believed he wasn’t capable of doing that is probably why I’m so upset.

I never thought he’d do it. He was always so loving. Whenever we argued he’d even blame himself if it was my fault just so we’d stop arguing. I learned to do this as well after I met him. I used to be very resentful and wouldn’t even think of speaking to the person who I argued with.

While in the process of purchasing our house, we were very tense w/the transaction. We argued several times and when I tried to stop it the way I learned it from him, he wouldn’t even want to listen. We talked about that, and then he realized if he wanted me to give in he’d do it too.

This time I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t think I said to call my parents in a mean way, but then I could be wrong. The fact he hit our dog hurt me a lot. I hate people who hurt helpless and innocent creatures. I worked for a non-profit organization who rescued abused animals, another time I worked in a place who sheltered abused children, so when I saw him hurt my poor dog, I couldn’t take it and became full of anger.

I know I did wrong by hitting him, I’m not making any excuses for myself, but as a man, he should have known men are stronger by nature and hitting me was completely out of line especially with the strength he used. I was out of line, yes, I know, but he had no reason to have hurt the dog or to have insulted me in that way. He had done it before and he had promised to never do it again, but he did. The last time it happened I was very angry and left the house to clear my mind (I also have left because of finding porn in our computer), but I always return after 1-2 hours. Last night was the longest I’ve been out of the house. The only time I slept w/o him was when he got in his accident the wk we got the house.

I miss him, I really do love him, but I don’t want to risk my life, my dog’s life or the life of our future children. I told him I don’t want to go home until I feel he won’t do it again. I’m going to speak to a priest and see what he recommends I do. I also am looking into seeing an MFT because there isn’t a Catholic therapist nearby.

Hope things calm down. I hope my family keeps on supporting me. They have been wonderful! What I’m most thankful for is that they don’t hate DH. They said if we decide to stick together it’ll take time before they see him as they saw him, but that eventually they’d forget.

I hope I forget and hope he does too, but hope he never ever does that again.

The fact that he hit me is what hurts me, not the fact that it hurt phisically… I guess that is why they say bruises heal but the scars are emotional…

 

[whatevergirl]

Two nights ago I got home from work and DH had dinner already ready for us to eat. We were talking about what it means to love God. Because he kept on interrupting me when it was my turn to speak, I changed the subject to something else. We are doing some family things that require us to have an attorney, but our attorney resides in Chicago and we live in California. He told me he asked the attorney to send any mail to DH’s aunt’s house. I was asking him why he did that, if she needed something from us I wouldn’t know and his aunt would have to forward that mail to us every time. He got angry and started raising his voice. I was upset he raised it so I told him to go to heck and he called me names. I was furious so I just got up from the dinner table, grabbed a jacket, my purse and car keys and left.

When I came back 2 hrs later, he was in our bedroom w/the door closed. Since it was 9pm I went to the kitchen got some cereal and let our dog inside the house. He’s a big dog, so we can’t keep him inside all day. I turned the tv on and started watching 24. Then he opens the door and comes to the family room and asks if I had spoken to my parents about a job he’s doing for them, all I said was “why don’t you call them?”. He got mad and asked again, and I responded the same way. Since I didn’t give him a yes or no answer he got mad and kicked our dog so hard the poor thing screamed.

I got up and went up to him so angry asking him why he had to hit my dog. I didn’t think of what I was doing so I almost slapped him, but when I was going to do it, I stepped backwards and accidentally I stepped on my dog’s paw so he cried really loud (my poor Bear). I completely forgot about being angry at DH and went straight to Bear but he wouldn’t let me touch him. He finally calmed down and I made sure I didn’t hurt his paw. I was still angry at DH for having hit the dog so I pulled out the futon to make it a bed. So I ended up “sleeping” there that night.

Then in the morning I got up, took a shower and while getting ready for work DH started getting ready to go to my parents’. I grabbed my stuff and headed to the door. He called me to the kitchen and I went up to him. He said he had made me lunch. I didn’t want to take it because I was still mad about the dog thing. I don’t really remember how we started arguing again. I told him not to ever get near my dog again, and he said it was my fault that he had hit him. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me. He called me a child for defending the dog. I said if anyone was a child it was him for taking it against an innocent creature. Then DH got angry and said he didn’t do anything yesterday for me to get mad, I reminded him he started calling me names during dinner the night before and he called me whe. I was so mad he had called me that I slapped him. I shouldn’t have but I did. I had told him before never to call me that or bch, because those words make me angry. Next thing I remember he had slapped me and pushed me so hard I fell to the floor and flew out of the kitchen. :crying:

I couldn’t believe what he had just done; I still can’t believe he did that. :bigyikes: I grabbed my purse and ran to the car. I turned it on and tried calling my sister. No answer. My next call was to my mom. I didn’t think it through before I was already telling her what had happened. My mom was angrier than me and called my aunt so she could pick me up and she called my boss telling her I couldn’t go to work. All day was a big blur, I felt so violated. No man in my family has ever hit a woman; no woman in my family has ever gotten hit by a man. I couldn’t believe I had. DH called me many times trying to see if I was coming home or what I was going to do. I went home in the evening to pick up some clothes for a few days and I left.

I slept at my sister’s last night but he called several times. I told him I didn’t want to speak to him. I apologized for having slapped him but that what he did wasn’t excused by anything. I know I did wrong too, but the fact that he hit his wife… we’ve only been married for a year. I’m afraid he’ll do it again. I’m afraid that if I decide not to leave him and have a family w/him, I’ll have to explain to our future children why I have bruises on me… (continued)

 

[whatevergirl]

Wow…sorry to hear this. I think the best thing is to get counseling. You shouldn’t be hitting–neither should he. That being said…HOWEVER. I would not stay with a man who hit me…and I think once is enough, but that’s me. If you choose to stay with him–you BOTH need counseling for your COLLECTIVE anger issues…and praise be to God, that He will help you with all of this. You’re in my prayers.

 

[blessedstar]

And if you go home will you hit him again?

You lashed out in anger at him, he did not hit you first.

You may be a woman, but that does not give you a right to hit anyone even your husband.

Will you lash out at a child if they make you angry enough?

You see it makes no difference. You tell him off for kicking the dog and then you are hitting your husband; you lose all credibility.

I don’t think you are in any position to call your husband, you provoked an attack by hitting him.

You are both in the wrong and you cannot get your own way by hitting your husband.

You both need to stop thinking of yourselves and start putting each other first.

You both cannot start a cycle of violence and take the moral high ground over each other and you cannot obtain power over your husband because you are just as culpable in this situation.

Drop the power struggle and to do that go to marriage guidance.

 

[Lucania]

Your both have anger management/communication problems. I am so upset that he kicked your Dog. I don’t suffer people like your husband well. Anyone who would kick an innocent Dog like that is a low life in my opinion. So YOU made him do it so he say’s? How does that work? He has a mean side to him for sure! I would take my Dog and not look back. LEAVE! I could never trust him after that incident. The name calling is ugly as well. Best wishes & God Bless you & your Dog.

 

[blessedstar]

I wouldn’t be so quick to say to a couple to split up. The dog should not have been kicked. The husband needs to apologise and make firm promises not to do that again. But the dog is not more important than the marriage.

People hit their kids everyday and think this ok discipline, but an animal gets hit and people go crazy over that and even go so far as to say for couples to split up. That makes no sense.

The thing for me here is that if you can hit your husband and he can hit you and the dog then you are both going to be easily triggered to the same reaction of hitting when faced with the behaviour of a child. Both of you are acting selfishly. Both of you are not displaying mature behaviour to given circumstances and you are infact acting like children in tantrums that have turned into violent tantrums because you haven’t learnt to verbally address each other properly and so the lack of good communication has caused you to misunderstand each otehr and struggle against each other which has led to a violent power struggle.

Both of you feel that things are out of control and are frustrated.

You need to learn to communicate with each other and think of the other person first.

Seek Marriage Guidance and Anger Management.

In my Living Prayer of life.

 

[whatevergirl]

I wouldn’t be so quick to say to a couple to split up. The dog should not have been kicked. The husband needs to apologise and make firm promises not to do that again. But the dog is not more important than the marriage.

People hit their kids everyday and think this ok discipline, but an animal gets hit and people go crazy over that and even go so far as to say for couples to split up. That makes no sense.

The thing for me here is that if you can hit your husband and he can hit you and the dog then you are both going to be easily triggered to the same reaction of hitting when faced with the behaviour of a child. Both of you are acting selfishly. Both of you are not displaying mature behaviour to given circumstances and you are infact acting like children in tantrums that have turned into violent tantrums because you haven’t learnt to verbally address each other properly and so the lack of good communication has caused you to misunderstand each otehr and struggle against each other which has led to a violent power struggle.

Both of you feel that things are out of control and are frustrated.

You need to learn to communicate with each other and think of the other person first.

Seek Marriage Guidance and Anger Management.

In my Living Prayer of life.

Men can do far more damage hitting a woman, than a woman slapping a man…I’m not advocating anyone hitting. I don’t hit…my husband doesn’t hit…we don’t spank, and really never got into that. But, I have known women who have slapped a man (this is gravely wrong indeed) but a man to hit a woman back? I mean…she’s not a guy.

 

[Margita]

He has called me several times yesterday and today asking me to forgive him, and every time I speak to him I tell him I am trully sorry for having hit him and that he has all the right to be mad too, but that I am mad because I thought he believed hitting women was wrong. He once told me that men can’t even tough a woman w/a rose petal… the fact that I believed he wasn’t capable of doing that is probably why I’m so upset.

Yessisan, I hope it will turn out well. It appears your husband really just went off his rocker for the moment, if he used ot be as different as you say… Try to sit down with him, calmly, and talk about your life, the house, everything… God knows what is on your minds what you don’t tell each other.

I really, from my heart, wish you both well. I didn’t want to “judge quickly” in my post - I hope you will take this little quote from the Imitation of Christ as an apology, and find some comfort in it:

“Behold, I know all men. I see everything that is done under the sun, and I know how matters stand with each—what is in his mind and what in his heart and the end to which his intention is directed. Commit all things to Me, therefore, and keep yourself in good peace.” (Book III, ch. 24)

PS: That dog is sure to go to Heaven with all the prayers and the compassion he has gotten here…

 

[blessedstar]

Men can do far more damage hitting a woman, than a woman slapping a man…I’m not advocating anyone hitting. I don’t hit…my husband doesn’t hit…we don’t spank, and really never got into that. But, I have known women who have slapped a man (this is gravely wrong indeed) but a man to hit a woman back? I mean…she’s not a guy.

It wouldn’t be ok if she was a guy and her husband had hit her neither nor would it be ok if she was a guy and had hit her husband. None of it is ok.

The Gospel isn’t different for different sexes, there is one Gospel for men and women and children.

 

[Margita]

It wouldn’t be ok if she was a guy and her husband had hit her neither nor would it be ok if she was a guy and had hit her husband. None of it is ok.

The Gospel isn’t different for different sexes, there is one Gospel for men and women and children.

That is the point. Besides, as grown up people, not as women, we are responsible for our actions and the anger they might provoke. This is not a matter of sex, but a matter of being old enough.

 

[blessedstar]

Yessisan, I hope it will turn out well. It appears your husband really just went off his rocker for the moment, if he used ot be as different as you say… Try to sit down with him, calmly, and talk about your life, the house, everything… God knows what is on your minds what you don’t tell each other.

“Behold, I know all men. I see everything that is done under the sun, and I know how matters stand with each—what is in his mind and what in his heart and the end to which his intention is directed. Commit all things to Me, therefore, and keep yourself in good peace.” (Book III, ch. 24)

QUOTE]

This I think is the truth of the matter. I think your husband lost it through frustration, I think that’s why he kicked the dog and why he resorts to using the words he called you. I think you lost it because you too are frustrated and that’s why you lashed out and that’s why he lashed back out at you.

This is why I say talk to each other and get marriage guidance and anger management. I know of couples that have done this and have learnt to effectively communicate and grown closer as a result strengthening their marriage and put each other first.

I believe that this can be true for you too as it is clear you love him and he loves you so you both have to stop the hitting and work things out as many things are worked out in early marriage.

I wish you both a happy marriage with many children

In my Living Prayer of life.

 

[Struggling]

Yeah…I still don’t understand why people are okay with spanking kids…but not dogs or wives?

I think sometimes we all need a good slap, when we get hysterical or petty or out of control or whatever.

I don’t think it should be in rage or to win a fight. That’s wrong. It should be a calculated move of controlled force. But everyone, women and men, needs a good slug every so often to put them back in their right mind. Kind of a, “Snap out of it, woman!” sort of thing.

I honestly don’t think that is any more misogynist than the idea that kids can be spanked is anti-child.

 

[rayne89]

I’m having trouble finding a real “victim” here, and am going to join the chorus of folks thinking there is plenty of blame to assign to both parties. I will tell you this, as a man who put up with being repeatedly slapped and cussed at by my ex, I am outraged that there is still a mentality that a woman should not be held responsible for repeatedly escalating the level of conflict when they finally take it to a physical level where they are outmatched. Do you really think the OP be complaining here about his reaction to being hit if her husband had a health condition and was weaker than her?

I did say the OP is responsible for her behavior. Meaning she was absolutely wrong in slapping him. What I meant was the particular poster was stating something drove him to hit her and placed the blame on the OP. In that case she was the victim of him knocking her into the next room. If the poster had excused the OP’s behavior and said that OP’s husband had drove her to slapping him I would have been just as critical.

 

[blessedstar]

Yeah…I still don’t understand why people are okay with spanking kids…but not dogs or wives?

I think sometimes, everyone needs a good slap when they get hysterical or petty or whatever.

I don’t think it should be in rage. It should be a calculated move of controlled force. But everyone needs a good slug sometimes to put them back in their right mind. “Snap out of it, woman!” I honestly don’t think that is any more misogynist than the idea that kids can be spanked is anti-child.

Wow! This certainly wasn’t the point I was making! It’s not ok to hit anyone…period!

Hope you are being ironic or something

 

[mariam1976]

i agree with everyone who says that this is not a reason for you guys to split up… although it does seem to be time for you to get counselling…
remember, there are danger signs which go up indicating that things are not right and this is definitely one of them!!!

however, i am sure that no one here would say that children would be kicked out of the door for doing something once… they would be given another chance… why is it so easy for us to do that to our spouse?? so NO!! you have said that you will be with each other for better or for worse… this is one of the worse times so learn from it and make sure that u take steps so that it never happens again…

 

[blessedstar]

That is the point. Besides, as grown up people, not as women, we are responsible for our actions and the anger they might provoke. This is not a matter of sex, but a matter of being old enough.

Totally agreeing with you!

 

[rayne89]

I agree, Magicsilence, there is sort of a double standard here. Sure, men are stronger and shouldn’t hit women. But sometimes we don’t realize our own strength. And if you slapped first, I wouldn’t play yourself up to be too much of a victim.

I mean…he was trying to make ammends by making you lunch, and you shoot him down. Having a sincere apology shot down is one of the most hurtful things in my mind. And then to be slapped could push him over the edge.

All over kicking a dog! And if you are married, it isn’t “your” dog. It’s both of yours, property is in common in a Catholic marriage.

The very attached way you spoke about the dog honestly creeped me out a little. Is the dog your husband, or is your husband your husband? If you talked about your dog like that and I was your husband, I would honestly be a bit jealous for the attention and affection. It seems overdone, I could see someone getting eventually worn out by that attitude toward a mere animal. Obsessive pet-lovers can be very irritating that way, to the point that you do want something bad to happen to the pet. It’s not nice to think, but I’m sure some of you know the feeling I’m talking about. There was a woman with a duck on Boston Legal last night like that…

Cruelty to animals isn’t intrinsically evil, it’s only bad because of the emotions and patterns of behavior that it could desensitive towards humans, and the cruel character it builds in the person. But it’s not like the animal is acually self-aware in the strict metaphysical sense, they don’t have a conscious immortal soul. If he was kicking the dog to avoid hitting you…well, that’s sometimes what animals are here for. It would have been better if he hit a pillow or something, but it was a better choice on his part to hit an animal than a person.

And I don’t think women understand how irritating they can be to men also. They can get hysterical, and there is something about the pitch of their voice which can be seductive sometimes on the one hand…and just whiney and nagging on the other. Like a low screech. It’s a bias that we should control, I know, but just as a gut reaction to the voice itself, I just want to hit women more when they yap than men. Women can be very petty and vindictive, and you were being that way.

Stay away for a day or two, let him cool down, and let yourself cool down. I’m not saying the marriage is going to work, but it’s NOT all his fault if it doesn’t.

I know this doesnt sound very traditional…but maybe hitting women IS something real men did in the past. I’ve read about past marriages, and women were kept in line through violence sometimes. Maybe a “rule of thumb” is in order (you cant hit them with anything wider than you’re thumb)…but I think women perhaps have gotten too uppitty and self-entitled, and there is a double standard. That’s where feminism and all that comes from.

I know this whole thing sounds stereotypical, but stereotypes are based in truth, and this is psychologically generally true; women can withhold sex to punish men, but what can men do to punish women especially if women now are allowed to earn their own income? Maybe women would stop daring to fight with men and disrupt the harmony of the household if, in extreme cases, a man slapped one every so often.

Kids need to be spanked more, this “no corporal punishment” fad has proven itself wrong with so many delinquent kids. And maybe women need to be punished more substantially sometimes too. Otherwise, they will think there is no consequences and that they can 8itch and be as obnoxious as they want. They can withhold sex, but what recourse does a man have if he does not have that threat of force looming? I know my grandparent’s generation was filled with hitting wives and children…and we idealize the stability of their marriages. Maybe the natural order of submissive women and children needs some force to restore it.

WOW This is one scary post.

 

[Lorik]

On a side note, if you guys are going to work this marriage out in the future you cannot call your family after every argument. If you do your marriage is doomed. I hope you will go to Retrouvaille.

 

[mariam1976]

I agree, Magicsilence, there is sort of a double standard here. Sure, men are stronger and shouldn’t hit women. But sometimes we don’t realize our own strength. And if you slapped first, I wouldn’t play yourself up to be too much of a victim.

I mean…he was trying to make ammends by making you lunch, and you shoot him down. Having a sincere apology shot down is one of the most hurtful things in my mind. And then to be slapped could push him over the edge.

All over kicking a dog! And if you are married, it isn’t “your” dog. It’s both of yours, property is in common in a Catholic marriage.

The very attached way you spoke about the dog honestly creeped me out a little. Is the dog your husband, or is your husband your husband? If you talked about your dog like that and I was your husband, I would honestly be a bit jealous for the attention and affection. It seems overdone, I could see someone getting eventually worn out by that attitude toward a mere animal. Obsessive pet-lovers can be very irritating that way, to the point that you do want something bad to happen to the pet. It’s not nice to think, but I’m sure some of you know the feeling I’m talking about. There was a woman with a duck on Boston Legal last night like that…

Cruelty to animals isn’t intrinsically evil, it’s only bad because of the emotions and patterns of behavior that it could desensitive towards humans, and the cruel character it builds in the person. But it’s not like the animal is acually self-aware in the strict metaphysical sense, they don’t have a conscious immortal soul. If he was kicking the dog to avoid hitting you…well, that’s sometimes what animals are here for. It would have been better if he hit a pillow or something, but it was a better choice on his part to hit an animal than a person.

And I don’t think women understand how irritating they can be to men also. They can get hysterical, and there is something about the pitch of their voice which can be seductive sometimes on the one hand…and just whiney and nagging on the other. Like a low screech. It’s a bias that we should control, I know, but just as a gut reaction to the voice itself, I just want to hit women more when they yap than men. Women can be very petty and vindictive, and you were being that way.

Stay away for a day or two, let him cool down, and let yourself cool down. I’m not saying the marriage is going to work, but it’s NOT all his fault if it doesn’t.

I know this doesnt sound very traditional…but maybe hitting women IS something real men did in the past. I’ve read about past marriages, and women were kept in line through violence sometimes. Maybe a “rule of thumb” is in order (you cant hit them with anything wider than you’re thumb)…but I think women perhaps have gotten too uppitty and self-entitled, and there is a double standard. That’s where feminism and all that comes from.

I know this whole thing sounds stereotypical, but stereotypes are based in truth, and this is psychologically generally true; women can withhold sex to punish men, but what can men do to punish women especially if women now are allowed to earn their own income? Maybe women would stop daring to fight with men and disrupt the harmony of the household if, in extreme cases, a man slapped one every so often.

Kids need to be spanked more, this “no corporal punishment” fad has proven itself wrong with so many delinquent kids. And maybe women need to be punished more substantially sometimes too. Otherwise, they will think there is no consequences and that they can 8itch and be as obnoxious as they want. They can withhold sex, but what recourse does a man have if he does not have that threat of force looming? I know my grandparent’s generation was filled with hitting wives and children…and we idealize the stability of their marriages. Maybe the natural order of submissive women and children needs some force to restore it.

read ur post again and u shud realise that there is something incredibly wrong with you !!!

and you call urself a christian!!???

hitting women is something real men did in the past!!!
and thats what makes a real man you think???