Dh read my prayer journal

[maggie2]

This happened several months ago and I thought I was over it and had forgiven him, but I’m beginning to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment

I’ve always wanted to journal, but have had this terrible fear that someone would end up reading it - even when I go back and read anything that I have ever wrote, I get totally embarrassed, so I just avoided writing in a journal. But then I decided to give it a go and start a prayer journal so that I could not only use it as an outlet, but also as a way to grow in my relationship with God.

Anyway, I was writing one evening (it was about my 4th entry), when dh walked in and confessed that he had read the first couple of pages. I was really shocked and hurt, and EMBARRASSED! I couldn’t even bring myself to go back and read what I had written, knowing that my hubby had read it (I’m not keeping anything from him though - you know, it’s just a personal thing between me and God, though!)

We did get a good laugh out of the fact that he tried to explain by saying that he didn’t realize that it was a prayer journal until he was on the 3rd page. Then I flipped it open and read the very first sentence to him: “Well, here it goes… my very first entry in my prayer journal…” we both got a giggle from that, but I of course was a bit upset. Told him that I forgave him as he really felt awful about it, but I’m starting to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment!

I think more than anything I am resentful because I haven’t been able to bring myself to start writing in it again, and I was so excited to have finally gotten up the courage to start it in the first place. Urgh - this forgiveness thing is hard. Even when you really want to forgive, sometimes it really difficult:blush:

How can I totally and completely forgive? It’s funny when you go back and think of all the things that people have done to you that require forgiveness, and you still (at least I do) experience feelings of resentment or even anger. I guess that means that you have some work to do with forgiveness? Or is that normal and you should just try to not think about it anymore!?

I’m guessing that prayer is the best answer here, but any other suggestions would help Can you forgive someone when you still have some resentment? I always viewed forgiveness as only having feelings of love and acceptance toward a person who wronged you (but the act is not necessarily excused, kwim?)

 

[JadensMom]

Yes, he violated your privacy, and yes, he should apologize and be suitably contrite. But you’re still referring to him as your “dear husband,” so maybe it wasn’t that bad. Plus you’re laughing about it, too, which is good.

But come on. What if it was his diary sitting there, unlocked, horrifically tempting. You’d wonder if he’d written anything in there about you, that maybe he thought was too petty or ridiculous to tell you…but that might build up into a marriage-wrecking resentment if you don’t find out about it…and what if he’s written a tremendous ode to how beautiful you are and how great you are…? Plus if he’s the stoic type who doesn’t complain, wouldn’t you wonder what was going on beneath that placid surface…something that maybe you could help with, if he’d only let you in?

I’m not saying it’s okay that he read it without your permission, because it isn’t. But he confessed it to you, and I’m assuming he apologized and you’re still happy together – that’s what’s really important.

I keep a journal myself, and it’s really just a “rant page” kind of a thing, where I “go off” on annoying co-workers and in-laws and family and such. But one tip – don’t keep it in hard copy form at home where your husband can find it! I keep mine online on a freemail account. I’ll write myself a long ranty email, then email it to myself at the same address. That way there’s nothing on my computer for anyone to find, and I still get my personal thoughts organized.

Plus that way my DH will never find that big old rant I had about his nosy mom.

 

[whatevergirl]

This happened several months ago and I thought I was over it and had forgiven him, but I’m beginning to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment

I’ve always wanted to journal, but have had this terrible fear that someone would end up reading it - even when I go back and read anything that I have ever wrote, I get totally embarrassed, so I just avoided writing in a journal. But then I decided to give it a go and start a prayer journal so that I could not only use it as an outlet, but also as a way to grow in my relationship with God.

Anyway, I was writing one evening (it was about my 4th entry), when dh walked in and confessed that he had read the first couple of pages. I was really shocked and hurt, and EMBARRASSED! I couldn’t even bring myself to go back and read what I had written, knowing that my hubby had read it (I’m not keeping anything from him though - you know, it’s just a personal thing between me and God, though!)

We did get a good laugh out of the fact that he tried to explain by saying that he didn’t realize that it was a prayer journal until he was on the 3rd page. Then I flipped it open and read the very first sentence to him: “Well, here it goes… my very first entry in my prayer journal…” we both got a giggle from that, but I of course was a bit upset. Told him that I forgave him as he really felt awful about it, but I’m starting to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment!

I think more than anything I am resentful because I haven’t been able to bring myself to start writing in it again, and I was so excited to have finally gotten up the courage to start it in the first place. Urgh - this forgiveness thing is hard. Even when you really want to forgive, sometimes it really difficult:blush:

How can I totally and completely forgive? It’s funny when you go back and think of all the things that people have done to you that require forgiveness, and you still (at least I do) experience feelings of resentment or even anger. I guess that means that you have some work to do with forgiveness? Or is that normal and you should just try to not think about it anymore!?

I’m guessing that prayer is the best answer here, but any other suggestions would help Can you forgive someone when you still have some resentment? I always viewed forgiveness as only having feelings of love and acceptance toward a person who wronged you (but the act is not necessarily excused, kwim?)

You might be hanging onto some residual resentment, and just because we forgive, doesn’t mean we can rewind things as though they never transpired, you know? So, allow yourself some time before writing in your journal again, and probably within a few weeks, maybe a month–you’ll begin again. Just hide it in a safe place next time! (kidding) We have a prayer jar than someone gave us for a gift one year, and it sits on our piano. A few years ago, my husband put a prayer in it, and I read it–I admit. I don’t know why I did–just curious. He was very angry over it. He said that it’s not a public prayer jar…and while he forgave me (I guess I didn’t think it was that big of a deal) it took him…two years to put another prayer in there again. I noticed the other day, that the top was sort of slanted and papers are stuffed into the jar…I didn’t read them this time. I knew that my curiousity caused my husband to feel embarassed, and I felt horrible. I’m just glad that he feels comfortable using the prayer jar again.

Your husband apologized…you accepted…just give yourself some time before writing in it again. Time to catch your breath and free yourself from any leftover bad feelings you might have over it…but, it’s natural to feel that way.

Just don’t wait 2 years!

 

[ecp007]

I am often interested by how different people and different personalities take things so differently. Both my husband & I have had prayer journals in the past. I have read every page on my husband’s journal. I never really discussed it with him. I think he’s read some of mine, I really don’t know.

The idea is, I want to get to know my husband better. What he is thinking, and feeling, what he is worried about or struggling with, so that I can help him get along better in life.

If I were you, I would be very pleased that my husband cared enough to take time to read what you had written. Many husband’s wouldn’t spend the time. He was also honest in that he told you about it and apologized. He loves you, and wants to get to know you better, and he wants to help you in your life.You have a good man, appreciate him!

 

[mark_a]

This happened several months ago and I thought I was over it and had forgiven him, but I’m beginning to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment

I’ve always wanted to journal, but have had this terrible fear that someone would end up reading it - even when I go back and read anything that I have ever wrote, I get totally embarrassed, so I just avoided writing in a journal. But then I decided to give it a go and start a prayer journal so that I could not only use it as an outlet, but also as a way to grow in my relationship with God.

Anyway, I was writing one evening (it was about my 4th entry), when dh walked in and confessed that he had read the first couple of pages. I was really shocked and hurt, and EMBARRASSED! I couldn’t even bring myself to go back and read what I had written, knowing that my hubby had read it (I’m not keeping anything from him though - you know, it’s just a personal thing between me and God, though!)

We did get a good laugh out of the fact that he tried to explain by saying that he didn’t realize that it was a prayer journal until he was on the 3rd page. Then I flipped it open and read the very first sentence to him: “Well, here it goes… my very first entry in my prayer journal…” we both got a giggle from that, but I of course was a bit upset. Told him that I forgave him as he really felt awful about it, but I’m starting to think that I’m still hanging onto some resentment!

I think more than anything I am resentful because I haven’t been able to bring myself to start writing in it again, and I was so excited to have finally gotten up the courage to start it in the first place. Urgh - this forgiveness thing is hard. Even when you really want to forgive, sometimes it really difficult:blush:

How can I totally and completely forgive? It’s funny when you go back and think of all the things that people have done to you that require forgiveness, and you still (at least I do) experience feelings of resentment or even anger. I guess that means that you have some work to do with forgiveness? Or is that normal and you should just try to not think about it anymore!?

I’m guessing that prayer is the best answer here, but any other suggestions would help Can you forgive someone when you still have some resentment? I always viewed forgiveness as only having feelings of love and acceptance toward a person who wronged you (but the act is not necessarily excused, kwim?)

In my home, if one wants privacy, they go into the bathroom.

Anything else is open to scrutiny from me. There is no need to assume that I will “respect” anyone’s privacy in my house. This includes journals, e-mails, snail mail, phone conversations, etc.

My own life is an open book. My wife has full access to anything and everything concerning my personal life. Period. That’s the way I run things here.

Having said that, please don’t assume that I’m so naive as to think stuff isn’t hidden from me. But you’d better hide really it well.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

In my home, if one wants privacy, they go into the bathroom.

Anything else is open to scrutiny from me. There is no need to assume that I will “respect” anyone’s privacy in my house. This includes journals, e-mails, snail mail, phone conversations, etc.

My own life is an open book. My wife has full access to anything and everything concerning my personal life. Period. That’s the way I run things here.

Having said that, please don’t assume that I’m so naive as to think stuff isn’t hidden from me. But you’d better hide really it well.

**
So are you really saying that if your wife decided to keep a journal that she wished to remain private (outside of the bathroom) that you would not respect her wish?**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I am often interested by how different people and different personalities take things so differently. Both my husband & I have had prayer journals in the past. I have read every page on my husband’s journal. I never really discussed it with him. I think he’s read some of mine, I really don’t know.

The idea is, I want to get to know my husband better. What he is thinking, and feeling, what he is worried about or struggling with, so that I can help him get along better in life.

If I were you, I would be very pleased that my husband cared enough to take time to read what you had written. Many husband’s wouldn’t spend the time. He was also honest in that he told you about it and apologized. He loves you, and wants to get to know you better, and he wants to help you in your life.You have a good man, appreciate him!

**
I really like this point of view! Definitely gives us all something to think about:thumbsup:**
**
To the OP, it sounds from your post that you never discussed having a prayer journal with your hubby so therefore never asked him NOT to read it to respect your desire to keep it private. I think, if that was the case, he has been especially good about it by feeling bad and apologizing when he could have just responded with “you never told me not to read it” and then made an issue out of you “over reacting”.

I think you need to make an extra effort to let this go. Save the anger and resentment for when hubby does something on purpose
**

 

[whatevergirl]

In my home, if one wants privacy, they go into the bathroom.

Anything else is open to scrutiny from me. There is no need to assume that I will “respect” anyone’s privacy in my house. This includes journals, e-mails, snail mail, phone conversations, etc.

My own life is an open book. My wife has full access to anything and everything concerning my personal life. Period. That’s the way I run things here.

Having said that, please don’t assume that I’m so naive as to think stuff isn’t hidden from me. But you’d better hide really it well.

I don’t think the op was hiding anything by keeping a prayer journal. For example, I don’t run out from the bedroom after I’m done praying to tell my husband…‘hey honey, want to hear every prayer I talked about tonight with God?’ My dh and I are open books to one another, but he doesn’t know every thought I’m having during my day…nor do I know his. That would be odd if we couldn’t have any private thoughts between ourselves and God. A prayer journal is just that–a notebook of sorts to just jot down prayer type thoughts to God…it’s not so much in hiding anything, but every thought and prayer to God that we have doesn’t need to be discussed or conveyed to our spouses. That’s how I think the OP meant her prayer journal to be–not something she hid from her husband, but she was just surprised to have someone other than her reading her conversations, if you will, between her and God…

That’s all…

 

[rayne89]

In my home, if one wants privacy, they go into the bathroom.

Anything else is open to scrutiny from me. There is no need to assume that I will “respect” anyone’s privacy in my house. This includes journals, e-mails, snail mail, phone conversations, etc.

My own life is an open book. My wife has full access to anything and everything concerning my personal life. Period. That’s the way I run things here.

Wow that is just awful. Thank God my husband would never be so disrespectful. I keep journals, writings ect that he knows are deeply personal to me and he wouldn’t dream of invading my privacy. It’s not like I’m hiding some awful secret. Their just personal thoughts.This is my house too -and I deserve privacy in my own house. Above all that my husband trusts me completely so there would be no need for insecure prying.

 

[BamaRider]

I think ya oughta do another journal, and this time make up all kinds of crazy stuff, leave it where he can find it and really pop his eyes open, then come back and tell us what he said.

 

[MarksWife]

Frankly, I don’t believe in keeping a written journal unless all you write are the people and things you are grateful for. I keep a notebook (one at a time) where I record quotes from books I’m reading, mostly spiritual things, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t want someone to read. That said, I toss them out when I get to the end. I just write them down to sort of underline what I’m reading and try to keep it in my memory.

The conclusion I’ve come to is, if you would be embarrassed or ashamed for someone to read what you’ve written…don’t write it down! Why have that landmine sitting there waiting to hurt someone?

Something most people don’t even consider is that if you should die, your spouse or someone close to you is ultimately going to find all your notebooks and journals. They’re going to be forced to go through all of your stuff, the good, the bad and the ugly. If you don’t want your kids or spouse reading about how you hate so and so, or how miserable their parent makes you, or how unhappy with your life you are…Don’t write it down and don’t store it, even in some box in the back of the closet. When you die you have the potential of dumping a heavy, painful burden on the backs of your family. And that’s not nice nor is it fair.

My mother (R.I.P.) kept everything anyone ever wrote to her, and she kept notebooks filled with her unhappiness and misery and resentment. She only wrote in a journal when she was unhappy and so what you found was just a mountain of unhappiness streaming out at you. She kept letters from boyfriends and friends that mentioned scandalous things. I got rid of every single thing like that that she left behind.

Another thing about writing down unpleasant thoughts about other people is that it helps you to focus on the negative rather than focusing on the positive. It doesn’t actually leave your system when you write it down, but rather seems to clarify it and highlight it. Poisonous thoughts and feelings should be turned around not fed.

I realize that OP stated that this was a prayer journal. One thing I’ve done in the past was to use initials or even just more generic phrasing, “I pray for those in my life who’ve suffered another divorce.” Or, “I pray for an improvement in the relationship with someone close to me.” You know who you mean and so does God. It doesn’t have to be spelled out in graphic detail.

That reminds me of the Bible study groups where a bunch of people get together and pray out loud on behalf of each other’s concerns. But typically it’s about telling yours and other people’s sins to a group that has no business knowing about that.

We used to call that airing dirty laundry

• JMJ +

 

[maggie2]

Thanks to everyone for your replies

Again, this was my prayer journal - I was trying to use it as a way to grow closer to God, so I was actually addressing God in the pages. I wasn’t necessarily recording all the bad things that happen. Actually, much of it was more praise to Him than anything. But I also didn’t hold back if there was something that I felt I needed guidance on, or if something was bothering me.

Anyway, regardless of what was written in it, I was simply hurt that my dh decided to read it. Someone mentioned that it wasn’t fair if I hadn’t talked to my dh about it prior to (so he would not know it was a journal) and that’s a really good point because I hadn’t told him. But then again, the very first sentence said that it was a prayer journal!

I’m interested to hear that so many of you actually would not feel the same way that I do. I think it’s great that you have that kind of relationship with your spouse, but for me, I don’t feel like anything is lacking from our relationship just because I want some private time with God.

I guess I started this thread with the intention to find out more about forgiveness and if it’s possible to forgive yet still feel a twinge of resentment when you think back to what happened. I personally don’t think that is true forgiveness, so I guess I have some work to do

Thanks again for your responses.

 

[MarksWife]

maggie2

To forgive is an act of the will. Your continuing feelings of having your trust breached by your H’s unthinking action, are there and they’re natural. You have to consciously let this go and think thoughts about it that will help you to do so.

I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I’ve learned that spending a lifetime with a fallible human being means you’re going to have to get pretty comfortable with regular forgiveness.

Jesus said we have to forgive 70 x 7, I believe, not meaning an exact number of times, but as many times as necessary.

You told your H how you felt and he apologized. He made a mistake. In the scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing ever, and I pray that you won’t find yourself in the position of ever having to forgive something far worse.

• JMJ +

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Anyway, regardless of what was written in it, I was simply hurt that my dh decided to read it. Someone mentioned that it wasn’t fair if I hadn’t talked to my dh about it prior to (so he would not know it was a journal) and that’s a really good point because I hadn’t told him. But then again, the very first sentence said that it was a prayer journal!

I said that. But my point was that if you wanted it to remain private all you had to do was ask your hubby not to read it…**

Just because it said “prayer journal” at the beginning doesn’t automatically mean “off limits”.

Like another poster mentioned, he may have been glad for the opportunity to understand your inner self better and some women would have been glad their hubbys showed interest in them! It’s all about perspective.

As for your lingering feelings of resentment, could it possibly be that you are projecting it onto hubby when you really need to forgive yourself? For example, if you wrote something that you need to apologize for or feel bad about? Or maybe you are mad at yourself because you didn’t tell hubby not to read it and could have avoided the whole situation if you only did that?

I am just tossing out ideas, not saying this is what you** are feeling… but I know that for myself it is often true that when I am still feeling negative feelings about something I have forgiven it is usually because I still need to do something myself:shrug:

 

[KCtheMommy]

I don’t think forgiveness is the issue as much as trust is. He lost your trust. He has to earn it back. How does he do that? Not read your journal.

Start another. Maybe do what Guy suggested and write some cuh-razy stuff, leave it around and see if your DH can keep his promise of respecting your privacy. If he gets huffed up and puffed up and comes to you, (Although I don’t think you have to report it back to us. ) it’ll open the lines of communication about privacy and respect for privacy.

One thing this thread has shown me is HOW different we were all raised and how differently we all respect each other’s privacy. I have a STACK of journals that are currently sitting in a night stand on my DH’s side of the bed. He has never opened them that I know of. I wouldn’t expect him to. However, if he asked about email, snail mail or the journals, I would let him have at it. The thing is, he trusts me. I trust him. No need. It does actually surprise me how many people feel nothing of their spouses privacy or right to it. I wasn’t raised that way. Nor was my DH.

So yeah, this isn’t about forgiveness – it’s about trust – and it’s a DOUBLE WHAMMY. First: your right to privacy in your home is not respected. Second: your DH’s lack of trust in you is what caused him to read the journal in the first place.

A friend of mine said that she and her husband started a closeness journal where each would write about their day, kind of like little love letters to each other, and then read each other’s journal at night before bed. They got the idea from Catholic Marriage Retreat. Maybe you could do that? Whilst also keeping your private prayer journal. Either way, Dh should earn back your trust and you, most importantly, should let him.

My first entry in a prayer journal tonight would be “Thank you God – for not letting me be married to someone like Mark.”

 

[KCtheMommy]

I said that. But my point was that if you wanted it to remain private all you had to do was ask your hubby not to read it…****

You think? I mean it’s obvious, but shouldn’t one suppose if they leave a journal, say near the bed or what have you, that their right to privacy should automatically be respected?

Alas, that’s MY reality, maybe not anyone else’s. I know if I said “Honey, I wrote in this journal and I really don’t want you to read it” THEN his curiosity would be piqued!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t think forgiveness is the issue as much as trust is. He lost your trust. He has to earn it back. How does he do that? Not read your journal.

So yeah, this isn’t about forgiveness – it’s about trust – and it’s a DOUBLE WHAMMY. First: your right to privacy in your home is not respected. Second: your DH’s lack of trust in you is what caused him to read the journal in the first place.

**That’s a mighty big assumption KC. Unless he specifically said “I read your journal knowing it was private because I thought you might be hiding something from me” then we cannot know WHY he decided to read it. To label him in that way seems very unfair.

As Catholics aren’t we called to use charity in all things…especially with our spouses? That would mean not assuming the worst about his motives. It could have been simple curiosity. It could have been a well intentioned way to understand his wife. It could have been all kinds of things…

As for different people’s expectations of privacy, yeah, it seems to be all over the map. And obviously her and her hubby have different ones. He could be the type that thinks reading a journal (different than a diary that specifically says “private”, lol) is no big deal and would be flattered if his wife were to take an interest in his (if he had one).

**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

You think? I mean it’s obvious, but shouldn’t one suppose if they leave a journal, say near the bed or what have you, that their right to privacy should automatically be respected?

Alas, that’s MY reality, maybe not anyone else’s. I know if I said “Honey, I wrote in this journal and I really don’t want you to read it” THEN his curiosity would be piqued!

**
Different realities for different people:shrug:. If I left my journal beside the bed in plain view I would be sending a message (in my own mind, lol) that it is obviously NOT private. If it were private I would make it known. Kind of like email… if I leave my computer screen open to my email I am sending a message that it’s ok for hubby to go ahead and read them. If I put a password protection on the account then it is obviously private.**

 

[KCtheMommy]

I am not making an assumption, I am going on what she said. She’s having a hard time forgiving the violation of privacy. That’s not about forgiveness, but trust.

I said nothing of HIS MOTIVES, but I did point out her trust was violated when he read her journal. It’s a double whammy when your spouse reads your private writing because it does feel like they don’t trust you. Otherwise why would they read your personal conversations with God? Why wouldn’t they just STOP when realizing what it is.

C’mon, you know you are reading a person’s private thoughts – especially when you are reading a person’s writing, in a book, no matter what is on the cover. If you read all the way through you have violated the person’s privacy. When you are the violated you feel not only a lack of trust for the person who read your private thoughts, but you feel they don’t trust you.

 

[KCtheMommy]

**
Different realities for different people:shrug:. If I left my journal beside the bed in plain view I would be sending a message (in my own mind, lol) that it is obviously NOT private. If it were private I would make it known. Kind of like email… if I leave my computer screen open to my email I am sending a message that it’s ok for hubby to go ahead and read them. If I put a password protection on the account then it is obviously private.**

TRUELY different.

Journal next to bed, any journal – off limits.

Open email, I could care less what he reads, (and sometimes he does, plus reads what I post here if it’s up on the screen) but IF I password protected an email account he would be like “So WHY can’t I read your email?” LOL “Not that I WANT to, I just want to know why you are hiding it?”

I guess what I am trying to say that a journal he COULD open if he felt like it is not suspicious, but a password protected email account would pique MY guy’s interest. So would one of those little girl diaries with a big lock on it.

Interesting topic.