Dh texts/calls female coworkers regularly

[pensmama87]

I still have a home phone but I can see that it is redundant for avid cell users. So are you married and if so how would you handle a social call or text from a female co-worker?

If they’re rare, answer politely but don’t engage. So a “happy birthday” text gets a “thanks” at most. Or bring it up in the break room if it’s appropriate social chat to show where you’d like to keep that kind of work friendship - at work, where it belongs, with no expectation of privacy.

A call might get a, “Oh, I was worried something must have happened! Well thanks for calling, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow/Monday.”

I can see how people pleasers could get sucked into more talking than they wanted to, but really, you can politely not engage in this kind of talk. That doesn’t seem to be at all what’s happening with the OP’s husband. He’s not getting sucked in but actively participating.

ETA: Actually, as regards the home phone: this isn’t the case for us now, but at one point we had a home phone because it was cheaper to bundle with TV and Internet service than it was to just have TV and Internet. I hooked up the phone, but turned the ringer off, and checked the messages whenever we had one. It was really nice because I could give that number out to anyone whose calls were likely not to be important.

 

[EasterJoy]

Anything you do that you know your spouse doesn’t want you doing is being unfaithful.

Yes…and search your conscience and be realistic about the situation as a whole, because this includes things that your spouse **wouldn’t **want you doing **if **he or she fully appreciated how you or the target of your attentions felt about it.

That standard requires the spouse interacting with the world to be aware of both their own feelings and the possible perceptions of those they interact with. Some people sow the seeds of an inappropriate affection and violations of the 9th Commandment because they do not stop and recognize what they’re doing. It is a very careless way to handle the emotions of others.

 

[Xantippe]

If they’re rare, answer politely but don’t engage. So a “happy birthday” text gets a “thanks” at most. Or bring it up in the break room if it’s appropriate social chat to show where you’d like to keep that kind of work friendship - at work, where it belongs, with no expectation of privacy.

A call might get a, “Oh, I was worried something must have happened! Well thanks for calling, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow/Monday.”

I can see how people pleasers could get sucked into more talking than they wanted to, but really, you can politely not engage in this kind of talk. That doesn’t seem to be at all what’s happening with the OP’s husband. He’s not getting sucked in but actively participating.

ETA: Actually, as regards the home phone: this isn’t the case for us now, but at one point we had a home phone because it was cheaper to bundle with TV and Internet service than it was to just have TV and Internet. I hooked up the phone, but turned the ringer off, and checked the messages whenever we had one.** It was really nice because I could give that number out to anyone whose calls were likely not to be important. **

Funny!

 

[mommy_k]

Snipped/

Anything you do that you know your spouse doesn’t want you doing is being unfaithful.

---

Even posting about them on CAF? What about checking phones and computer history without them knowing? Is that equally unfaithful?

I know the op caught her dh deleting texts in this case so it’s different…

So i wonder where is the line drawn even for a spouse who may have questionable behavior. When is it OK to start checking up, or is it OK at all…

I think if one action is classified as hidden behavior, using hidden behavior back is bad too…maybe a conversation with a priest would help or a marriage encounter
This dh needs to earn back trust, before the op is checking everything every day…so a serious conversation with perhaps a priest may help them.

 

[styrgwillidar]

styrgwillidar;14215640:

Snipped/

Anything you do that you know your spouse doesn’t want you doing is being unfaithful.

---

Even posting about them on CAF? What about checking phones and computer history without them knowing? Is that equally unfaithful?

I know the op caught her dh deleting texts in this case so it’s different…

So i wonder where is the line drawn even for a spouse who may have questionable behavior. When is it OK to start checking up, or is it OK at all…

I think if one action is classified as hidden behavior, using hidden behavior back is bad too…maybe a conversation with a priest would help or a marriage encounter
This dh needs to earn back trust, before the op is checking everything every day…so a serious conversation with perhaps a priest may help them.

Would you feel betrayed if your spouse checked your phone without telling you? I think if you feel that way, then you need to have a conversation. As a prelude to asking to check their phone and why.

I agree with you, trust is the key. The husband previously gave her reason not to trust him. I think it would have been reasonable as a compromise that-- nobody’s phone is considered private/off-limits.

Personally, my wife had the passwords to any email accounts etc. never felt the need to hide the phone from her. She could have picked it up any time and I wouldn’t have objected. Sometimes kids would text my phone instead of hers, if mine was closer- why not? Or sometimes I’d take pictures on the phone and mention it to her. I had contacts in my phone she didn’t, addresses and things like that.

ETA: sorry, neglected to add about CAF. Yes. If your spouse is the kind of person who wouldn’t want you posting personal matters in a public forum, even CAF, then yes, I see that as a betrayal and being unfaithful to them.

 

[DarkLight]

There are of course cases where spouses are being unreasonable. I’m reminded of a legal case where a small business owner’s spouse didn’t want him to be spending time alone (as in, alone at the office) with a female secretary, even though there had been no inappropriate behavior between the two. That would be unreasonable - not to mention illegal depending on the state.

That said, generally not having private relationships with members of the opposite sex is a reasonable boundary. And if he feels the need to keep hiding texts from his wife there’s probably a good chance that something more than professional is going on.

 

[mommy_k]

Would you feel betrayed if your spouse checked your phone without telling you? I think if you feel that way, then you need to have a conversation. As a prelude to asking to check their phone and why.

I agree with you, trust is the key. The husband previously gave her reason not to trust him. I think it would have been reasonable as a compromise that-- nobody’s phone is considered private/off-limits.

Personally, my wife had the passwords to any email accounts etc. never felt the need to hide the phone from her. She could have picked it up any time and I wouldn’t have objected. Sometimes kids would text my phone instead of hers, if mine was closer- why not? Or sometimes I’d take pictures on the phone and mention it to her. I had contacts in my phone she didn’t, addresses and things like that.

ETA: sorry, neglected to add about CAF. Yes. If your spouse is the kind of person who wouldn’t want you posting personal matters in a public forum, even CAF, then yes, I see that as a betrayal and being unfaithful to them.

I wouldn’t feel betrayed but I would think my personal space has been invaded…same if he went in my handbag… all he would have to do is ask then ok–and I would do the same for him… it is a mutual respect. He borrows my phone too because I have better games on it but he asks first. That’s the way we are.

But we neither gave a reason not to trust in all the years of marriage, and that’s why I wonder if it’s OK to do when there is a reason or history of questionable behavior or mistrust.

I would think it would make things worse and it needs to be nipped in the bud, before accusations start flying. A priest or a marriage encounter would be better then playing investigator–a sneaky spouse will just learn to be even more sneaky too if they suspect they are being checked on…not good.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I wouldn’t feel betrayed but I would think my personal space has been invaded…same if he went in my handbag… all he would have to do is ask then ok–and I would do the same for him… it is a mutual respect. He borrows my phone too because I have better games on it but he asks first. That’s the way we are.

But we neither gave a reason not to trust in all the years of marriage, and that’s why I wonder if it’s OK to do when there is a reason or history of questionable behavior or mistrust.

I would think it would make things worse and it needs to be nipped in the bud, before accusations start flying. A priest or a marriage encounter would be better then playing investigator–a sneaky spouse will just learn to be even more sneaky too if they suspect they are being checked on…not good.

I think we’re more in agreement than disagreement. I don’t think you should just snoop in something. If you have a gut feel somethings wrong-- that should be discussed first as an entry to looking at the phone/emails/computer history. The gut feeling needs to be expressed and explained first, just my opinion.

 

[twf]

I still have a home phone but I can see that it is redundant for avid cell users. So are you married and if so how would you handle a social call or text from a female co-worker?

It depends on the person I think. A random female coworker? If she’s asking something work related I would respond appropriately. If a personal message? Probably polite but generic and concise. On the other hand- I have one female coworker whom both my wife and I consider a friend now. A few months ago she randomly invited both of us (she made it clear we were both invited) with our infant son to her place for dinner. Later we recriprocated. I certainly don’t text her daily but the occasional message seems appropriate now as with any other friend. She and my wife happen to both be immigrants from the DR so there is that connection.
For example, when I was away on business my wife had her over. She texted me photos she had taken of my son- which my wife was aware of.

 

[AdamP88]

I don’t know how old your husband is but it sounds like he needs to grow up. Playing emotional grab-a*s with co-workers is 100% wrong for a married man with a pregnant wife.

This is sooooo common these days with young husbands. There’s a post almost everyday like this one…‘My DH acts like a teenager at a high school football game on Friday night.’

My advice, as an almost formerly immature husband, is to go at him hard. Let your pregnancy hormones guide you. Throw his phone in the toilet if you need to. Boys need strong discipline, tell him to straighten up or leave. You will not have to live with this sort of behavior for the rest of your life. Not to mention the example he could be setting for your children.

This is pretty good advice I think. Freak him out enough and he might take it seriously.
One thing that struck me was that you said the messages were overly friendly on his part. You may want to point out to him that if these women are freaked out or disturbed by his behaviour he’s letting himself in for a world of trouble.

 

[Legend]

I know that essentially, I’m just repeating myself, but all the talk about what is sensible, what is invasive, and where to draw the line is precisely why I, early in this thread, suggested a therapist or marriage counselor. A trained, disinterested party can make all the difference!

BTW, has anyone else noticed that the OP hasn’t posted in days, since the first post? Maybe the situation is resolved. If so, I’m glad. It is something neither she nor her husband need, while awaiting a new addition to their family!

 

[jmj777]

OP here:

I still feel that the trust has been broken. After our first blowout, I decided to trust him fully. I started seeing how he would put his phone on vibrate instead of ring so as not to alert me that he was getting texted/called. I started to question his tactics and therein began my doubt where I looked into his history.

In addition to finding most messages from her deleted (which he claimed she was so annoying and made her messages automatically go into a spam box that I was not aware of), I also found he twice downloaded something called “porn viewer,” but that he had not remembered whether he pressed it or not. He stated it “could” have been something he “accidentally” clicked on.

Since then, he made a futile attempt (IMO) to prove to me that he wasn’t trying to maintain communications with her by changing his cell phone number. Yet, he contacted others with his number change. It does nothing to alleviate my distrust as he’s already shown to hide things and continue on his merry way.

Oh, and he now works in an office of mostly women and goes into work really early and comes home at 8pm.

I know that it’s wrong, but I’m so tempted to do something to get him back. He seems to think I’m so gullible and locked into being a SAHM with a soon to be attached baby at the hip that I will be unable to do anything to scare him. He couldn’t be more comfortable at the fact that I’m, in essence, stuck at home while he’s out and about in the world,

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[pianistclare]

OP here:

I still feel that the trust has been broken. After our first blowout, I decided to trust him fully. I started seeing how he would put his phone on vibrate instead of ring so as not to alert me that he was getting texted/called. I started to question his tactics and therein began my doubt where I looked into his history.

In addition to finding most messages from her deleted (which he claimed she was so annoying and made her messages automatically go into a spam box that I was not aware of), I also found he twice downloaded something called “porn viewer,” but that he had not remembered whether he pressed it or not. He stated it “could” have been something he “accidentally” clicked on.

Since then, he made a futile attempt (IMO) to prove to me that he wasn’t trying to maintain communications with her by changing his cell phone number. Yet, he contacted others with his number change. It does nothing to alleviate my distrust as he’s already shown to hide things and continue on his merry way.

Oh, and he now works in an office of mostly women and goes into work really early and comes home at 8pm.

I know that it’s wrong, but I’m so tempted to do something to get him back. He seems to think I’m so gullible and locked into being a SAHM with a soon to be attached baby at the hip that I will be unable to do anything to scare him. He couldn’t be more comfortable at the fact that I’m, in essence, stuck at home while he’s out and about in the world,

Peace.

+JMJ+

You can always change the locks.
Seriously though, talk to your priest and see if the parish St.Vincent de Paul group will give you some assistance should you ask him to leave. Be assured of our prayers.

 

[mommy_k]

Yes. . You should talk to your priest
Your husband needs to start earning back your trust.

Many men and women work with the opposite sex. You cannot prevent this. It does not mean he is cheating. People have both men and women Co workers on thier contact lists in case they have to reach them to say they are late or something.

People at work have opposite sex friends, that also does not mean they are cheating. Working long hours does not mean he is cheating either.

But given your husbands behavior to hide things…is a red flag in your relationship… it may be innocent, and he may think that you will take it the wrong way … or he may be a player and flirt behind back…but you will never know unless it is discussed. He needs to know how serious this is to you. He needs to be transparent.

If he continues to do these things, you are not stuck, and should not have the idea that you cannot take action to ask him to leave until he changes.

 

[CatholicSheila]

In addition to finding most messages from her deleted (which he claimed she was so annoying and made her messages automatically go into a spam box that I was not aware of),

Were there any replies to her messages? If there aren’t then this is quite believable. Unless he has a very very old phone (non-smart) then messages will appear as conversations - if these are simply messages from her with no replies then it would suggest they went into spam automatically.

 

[jmj777]

Were there any replies to her messages? If there aren’t then this is quite believable. Unless he has a very very old phone (non-smart) then messages will appear as conversations - if these are simply messages from her with no replies then it would suggest they went into spam automatically.

The texts that I was able to see were from him and I know he was deleting her messages as his responses were to messages and he was asking her questions as well.

He would “complain” about how dumb she was, etc., just to make me think he wanted nothing to do with her. And then I found a picture he sent to her about how nice his new office is. If she sent a response, I didn’t see it as it was either deleted or went to a spam box in his text messages that I didn’t know he had, but apparently he was able to read because he knew it was there. Her messages did not pop up on the regular text messaging feed.

His messages, both to and from, were seriously purged of anything that might raise eyebrows, but were obviously disjointed and didn’t flow at all.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[Lion_IRC]

Start sending some text messages of your own - to the same mobile phone numbers that are ‘distracting’ your husband.

"…Dear anonymous text message sender,
I am the pregnant wife of the person to whom you are sending so many overly friendly text messages. I’m sure as I read these messages that there is nothing deliberately flirty or inappropriate meant by them, but could you please keep your social communications off his after-hours mobile phone so that he can keep his family life properly in focus as we prepare for the birth of our child. #work_life_balance.