Did anyone stay "after the affair"?

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carac

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I wondered if there is anyone who experienced their spouse having an affair and was able to work through it and stay married? I am still dealing with the effects of my husband’s affair, and I don’t know anyone who’s been through this as no-one wants to talk about it. It’s making me feel quite isolated, and lost as I have no idea what to expect as we continue down this path. I thought I was doing pretty well for a while, then a couple weeks ago I became convinced dh was cheating again with the housekeeper and I found myselft finding excuses twice that day to drive my our house and check on him. Does it ever get easier??

Thanks,
 
If your husband wants to stay faithful in the future, he will go to see a priest or deacon with you or a marriage counselor of good reputation. There is an older book out there in the secular world called After the Affair. My sister had this happen to her. They are still together three years later… but he had to leave a job and they both went to a good counselor who eyed other problems involved including depression, extended family intrusions, and other things. Yes, there is hope.
 
I never had, but I know of couples who, after a one time affair, have gone through counseling and come out stronger than ever.

What he did was wrong, terribly wrong, and I think he should neve3r forget that. But people make mistakes. God tells us to forgive others and we need to TRY to forgive them.

Please go to therapy and do as much as you can for your marriage before you even thinking about pushing the button and getting a seperation.
 
Talk to your priest. He has seen many couples down this same road.
 
yes
look up Marriage Encounter. they are not expensive, and many people even on the verge of divorce have had great success with this…
 
carac said:
… I thought I was doing pretty well for a while, then a couple weeks ago I became convinced dh was cheating again with the housekeeper and I found myselft finding excuses twice that day to drive my our house and check on him. …,
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It will not work this way, either you have to accept the past and move on, or simply move on. This episode indicates you are still living in the past at least part time. Ultimately you have to accept him as is, (2) live in a state of hate/fear, or (3) move on without him. Probably the worst option is to try a combination of the three states which leave everyone’s life rougher.
 
carac said:
I wondered if there is anyone who experienced their spouse having an affair and was able to work through it and stay married? I am still dealing with the effects of my husband’s affair, and I don’t know anyone who’s been through this as no-one wants to talk about it. It’s making me feel quite isolated, and lost as I have no idea what to expect as we continue down this path. I thought I was doing pretty well for a while, then a couple weeks ago I became convinced dh was cheating again with the housekeeper and I found myselft finding excuses twice that day to drive my our house and check on him. Does it ever get easier??

Thanks,
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I can’t speak from personal experience from inside the marriage, but I have a very close friend whose husband cheated. Not only did he cheat, but it was with an underage girl (teen) :eek:

She chose to stick with him, even though for a time she seriously considered leaving him. Obviously, not only did he cheat but he landed himself in prison for a year!

They both went to couples counselling, and it’s been 4 years since it happened, and while she has had her rough times, including LOTS of times of not trusting him, it’s gotten better. They have both sought the Lord together, and as they moved closer to him, they moved closer to one another. As he sought God’s forgiveness, he sought his wife’s. Because they were communicating through all of this, and working together they are saying that they are now closer and are enjoying a better marriage than any other time in their life.

I am sorry you are feeling alone and isolated in this, but hold strong. You are not going through something easy, and it’s okay to feel frustrated by it all. You have my prayers.
 
Oh, and one more thing. In the case with my friend, she was seeing a couple’s therapist, but each of them were also seeing a therapist individually. She says that was probably one of the best things that helped her through all of it as well. She said the therapist allowed her to express her true feelings about the affair (there were some nasty ones!) and helped her realize that those feelings are normal, natural, and healthy as long as she deals with them. Not to deny her anger and distrust, but to acknowledge them, deal with them, and move on.
 
Thanks everyone. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor and I have also been seeing an individual counsellor and our priest. Counsellors are great, but they aren’t living this. This has all changed my life completely. When we got married, we prided ourselves that divorce was not in our vocabulary and that we would work through anything that came our way - I just had no idea what was in store. But having said that, God has made me quite certain through prayer that his will is for us to work through this, so I am in it for the long haul. I thought I had come to a point where, by the Grace of God, I forgave him (in my mind that means accepting that he made a big mistake, but it was time to stop punishing him and look toward moving forward), but I’ve since learned that I actually have to make that decision every day - and the day I kept checking on him is not one of those days -oops. I am trying so hard to live up to what God wants of me in all of this, but there are many days where I think God is asking SO much of just little me. I’ve learned a lot about me, my husband, and God through all of this, but when I fall down again like I did recently, I just feel so very very alone, and I just don’t feel God’s presence even through in my mind I know He’s right there with me. Some days the isolation and loneliness of it all is just so overwhelming.

I am VERY fortunate that my husband is doing everything “right” since he screwed up. Right after he told me he went to confession and was right on board with the counselling. He is doing all he can to make things better. Honestly though, some days that’s just even worse for me because he didn’t care near so much before - why do I matter so much now? Plus it makes me feel like I’m the one preventing things from getting better. But I’m not superhuman and I am moving at the speed I can.

Seems like everyone around me, God included, expects so much more of me than I think I can handle.

Sorry for my ramble. Please pray that God gives me the strength I need to get through another week. Baby steps.
 
carac said:
Thanks everyone. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor and I have also been seeing an individual counsellor and our priest. Counsellors are great, but they aren’t living this. This has all changed my life completely. When we got married, we prided ourselves that divorce was not in our vocabulary and that we would work through anything that came our way - I just had no idea what was in store. But having said that, God has made me quite certain through prayer that his will is for us to work through this, so I am in it for the long haul. I thought I had come to a point where, by the Grace of God, I forgave him (in my mind that means accepting that he made a big mistake, but it was time to stop punishing him and look toward moving forward), but I’ve since learned that I actually have to make that decision every day - and the day I kept checking on him is not one of those days -oops. I am trying so hard to live up to what God wants of me in all of this, but there are many days where I think God is asking SO much of just little me. I’ve learned a lot about me, my husband, and God through all of this, but when I fall down again like I did recently, I just feel so very very alone, and I just don’t feel God’s presence even through in my mind I know He’s right there with me. Some days the isolation and loneliness of it all is just so overwhelming.

I am VERY fortunate that my husband is doing everything “right” since he screwed up. Right after he told me he went to confession and was right on board with the counselling. He is doing all he can to make things better. Honestly though, some days that’s just even worse for me because he didn’t care near so much before - why do I matter so much now? Plus it makes me feel like I’m the one preventing things from getting better. But I’m not superhuman and I am moving at the speed I can.

Seems like everyone around me, God included, expects so much more of me than I think I can handle.

Sorry for my ramble. Please pray that God gives me the strength I need to get through another week. Baby steps.
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:hug3:

You are going through something very hard. God will give you his strength if you keep seeking him. Just reading what you wrote about agreeing to stick itout through tough times really inspired me. You really are walking the walk and not just talking the talk, and God will honor you in your commitment. I have no doubt of that. I am just so sorry that this happened to you, and I pray that with ime your marriage will heal and you will experience a new level of intimacy and trust. Just remember that it feels hard because it is and remember to go easy on yourself when you do feel angry or doubtful, but remember to talk to God about it, and also remember to talk to your husband about it. Let him know that you also have your hard days, and maybe he can help comfort you through them as well. Just make sure that you let him know that you do forgive him, but like him, you also have your hard days so he doesn’t feel “Like he just can’t live it down.”
 
I don’t have any advice, carac…you have received great insight here! I will be praying for you and your husband. :gopray:
 
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