Did I Commit a Social Faux Pas?

[pensmama87]

This concerns a college friend of mine. We have drifted apart since college, though we live in the same city and run into each other a few times a year. She’s always tended toward flakiness, and since I had kids I had some of my own issues and had a pretty radical overhaul of my entire social life (as I’m sure other parents understand.)

A few months ago her mother died. I did not hear about it from her directly, but from someone else a few weeks later. When I heard, I sent her a message on Facebook (I have none of her other contact info, although in hindsight I could have gotten it from someone if I had thought of it) expressing my condolences and telling her that I would be happy to come over and visit, talk on the phone, or bring her a few meals (since she has no nearby relatives and her boyfriend recently moved away). I know she has some dietary restrictions, so I asked her to please let me know what her doctor recommended just so I didn’t make her something that she couldn’t eat. I received no response to that message, although I have received messages from her since regarding a group we’re both in, so presumably she got the one I sent her.

Did I make a mistake? Either by using that medium, or presuming a level of intimacy we no longer have? Making an inquiry about her health? I was sincere in my message, although perhaps it could have been interpreted as one of those “Let me know how I can help so I can look like I care, without actually ever having to do anything” messages. Since she is grieving (completely understandable) and has a tendency toward flakiness anyway, I had been assuming that she just wasn’t responding for some other reason, but perhaps there was a social rule I violated that I missed (I’ve written here before about how I didn’t get a lot of guidance on etiquette growing up).

If I did make a mistake, I’d like to avoid making it in the future, so any insight would be appreciated. As of right now I don’t intend on bringing it up with her (taking her non-response as a cue she doesn’t wish to discuss it with me), so this is purely for future use. Thanks!

 

[theCrow]

Yes, using Facebook is quite impersonal. I would have called or talked to them in person. That being said, call her now and ask how she is doing.

 

[LongingSoul]

It’s possible that she had lots and lots of messages of condolence and did not have the time or desire to reply to each one personally so it slipped under the radar. The other thing is that a single, independent women is not likely to accept meals from a busy young mother, unless she is physically debilitated in some way. I would never. That possibly wasn’t necessary and not a reflection of her needs at this time.

 

[mommamaree]

A friend of mine (not close friend, but more than an acquaintance) recently lost her mother. A lot of people reached out through Facebook and I am sure many private messaged her as well. I sent a private message offering the same things you offered your grieving friend. I also could not locate her phone number, because we always communicate through Facebook. She responded, saying that she didn’t need any of what I was offering, but gave a kind thank you, and we continue to correspond and she even has come over for a visit, with a very special gift for the baby (an antique baby blanket her mother had kept since her own infancy). So no, offering condolences through Facebook is the modern equivalent of sending a letter, with immediate delivery. No social gaffe there. Your friend is going through a difficult time, and probably was inundated with condolences and helpful offers. Her lack of response should not be taken to mean she was insulted, especially since you and she have corresponded about other things since. Just be ready to help her in other ways of she seeks you out.

 

[mommamaree]

It’s possible that she had lots and lots of messages of condolence and did not have the time or desire to reply to each one personally so it slipped under the radar. The other thing is that a single, independent women is not likely to accept meals from a busy young mother, unless she is physically debilitated in some way. I would never. That possibly wasn’t necessary and not a reflection of her needs at this time.

This is a good point and is similar to what my grieving friend said. She explained why it didn’t make sense to her for me, a busy, pregnant, homeschooling mother of four kids, to make food for her and her husband and their 3yo. It seemed too much trouble and stress to her. But she gladly accepted my offer for a visit to destress and have a chat about whatever she wanted to talk about. She said that was more what she needed now.

 

[pensmama87]

This is a good point and is similar to what my grieving friend said. She explained why it didn’t make sense to her for me, a busy, pregnant, homeschooling mother of four kids, to make food for her and her husband and their 3yo. It seemed too much trouble and stress to her. But she gladly accepted my offer for a visit to destress and have a chat about whatever she wanted to talk about. She said that was more what she needed now.

That’s interesting and very different from what I expected. So far I am the only one in my social group who does any meal cooking at all for anyone (apart from my moms group which has a coordinated meal program), and I’m the one who’s been a mom the longest. I wonder if maybe it’s considered an odd thing to want to do for someone, though when I’ve brought a few dinners over for friends before, it has been appreciated (I think). I just know that when I am dealing with stress and feel overwhelmed, the last thing I want to do is cook even though I normally love it. So I like to pass that on to others. But perhaps it’s seen as a weird thing to want to do.

This person has a very odd and demanding work schedule, and numerous health problems, so I thought this would be a gesture she would appreciate. I did offer other things too (phone call, visit) in the same message.

I guess I will hope that my message gave her some comfort and that she knows I am there for her if she wants me to be. Am I right for just waiting for her to decide if she wants to reach out or not, or should I try again? I don’t know the next time I will see her in person.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yes, using Facebook is quite impersonal. I would have called or talked to them in person. That being said, call her now and ask how she is doing.

I disagree entirely. Many people, myself included, use their Facebook accounts as email when it comes to friends and family. I think that it would have been tacky to post a public comment on her Facebook, but a thoughtful, private message is fine. Besides, she is probably getting a lot of phone calls, and having old friends call her by the dozens right now is going to put her on the spot and stress her out. She wants to know she’s thought of, she doesn’t necessarily want to rehash this difficult time over the phone with everyone she’s ever called a friend.

That said, I really hate public comments of condolence. That’s something that should be sent in a private message and done for the benefit of the person receiving it, not for the benefit of the curious public.

 

[pensmama87]

I disagree entirely. Many people, myself included, use their Facebook accounts as email when it comes to friends and family. I think that it would have been tacky to post a public comment on her Facebook, but a thoughtful, private message is fine. Besides, she is probably getting a lot of phone calls, and having old friends call her by the dozens right now is going to put her on the spot and stress her out. She wants to know she’s thought of, she doesn’t necessarily want to rehash this difficult time over the phone with everyone she’s ever called a friend.

That said, I really hate public comments of condolence. That’s something that should be sent in a private message and done for the benefit of the person receiving it, not for the benefit of the curious public.

Just to clarify, I sent the message privately. I agree about public comments of condolence.

 

[mommamaree]

That’s interesting and very different from what I expected. So far I am the only one in my social group who does any meal cooking at all for anyone (apart from my moms group which has a coordinated meal program), and I’m the one who’s been a mom the longest. I wonder if maybe it’s considered an odd thing to want to do for someone, though when I’ve brought a few dinners over for friends before, it has been appreciated (I think). I just know that when I am dealing with stress and feel overwhelmed, the last thing I want to do is cook even though I normally love it. So I like to pass that on to others. But perhaps it’s seen as a weird thing to want to do.

This person has a very odd and demanding work schedule, and numerous health problems, so I thought this would be a gesture she would appreciate. I did offer other things too (phone call, visit) in the same message.

I guess I will hope that my message gave her some comfort and that she knows I am there for her if she wants me to be. Am I right for just waiting for her to decide if she wants to reach out or not, or should I try again? I don’t know the next time I will see her in person.

Yes, in my group of friends, we always make meals for each other or bring gifts in celebration or consolation.

 

[pensmama87]

I think social etiquette is changing, and what once was handled by personal card or letter through the u.s. mail is now often handled by email, facebook or other means.

You reached out and offered condolences and a meal, that is wonderful! I used to worry about these things a lot and about if I offended other people or what they thought, but here is a favorite quote of mine from Eleanor Roosevelt “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you, if you realized how seldom they do.” What I mean by that is chances are your friend was so busy she didn’t give your facebook message a second thought, much less a third. Losing a mother she was probably swamped with messages, read it quickly and that was it. If you really offended her she probably would have cut off contact with you completely and it sounds like she hasn’t!

Don’t worry about it you did a kind thing but don’t wait for a thank you or anything just let it go. My two cents.

I’m not offended. Mostly I’m just wondering if I acted inappropriately. I don’t want my friends to think I’m being…I don’t know what…weird, I guess, when I’m trying to console them! I want to actually be consoling.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Just to clarify, I sent the message privately. I agree about public comments of condolence.

I figured as much. You seem too classy to make it public.

Really, don’t worry about it. You reached out, made a kind offer, and did so discreetly in a way that gives your friend space during this difficult time. From the sounds of it, you’re exactly what a friend should be.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I disagree entirely. Many people, myself included, use their Facebook accounts as email when it comes to friends and family. I think that it would have been tacky to post a public comment on her Facebook, but a thoughtful, private message is fine. Besides, she is probably getting a lot of phone calls, and having old friends call her by the dozens right now is going to put her on the spot and stress her out. She wants to know she’s thought of, she doesn’t necessarily want to rehash this difficult time over the phone with everyone she’s ever called a friend.

That said, I really hate public comments of condolence. That’s something that should be sent in a private message and done for the benefit of the person receiving it, not for the benefit of the curious public.

Agreed. I don’t see anything wrong with a Facebook message, as long as it was a private message and not a wall post. And yes, she probably did have a lot of messages to sift through. I wouldn’t worry about it anymore. You meant well.

 

[phillylawyer]

I used to worry about these things a lot and about if I offended other people or what they thought, but here is a favorite quote of mine from Eleanor Roosevelt “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you, if you realized how seldom they do.”

This is a pretty great quote and so true! 95% of the time when people are worrying about “Oh no. What if so and so thinks such and such about me.” The answer is, those people probably hadn’t even considered it.

When a single friend of ours asked my wife and me (worriedly) if most guys considered that her choice of shoes over the last few months had not been classy enough, my response was, “Do you think that the Falcons recent decision not to shift from a 4-3 defense to a 3-4 defense was a terrible move on their part?”

In other words, it’s usually the case that not only have people not even thought something negative about you, they haven’t even thought to ask the question.

 

[Auntie_A]

Not a social faux pas.

In your original post you touched on something very true about condolences. Most people say them and they offer the “Is there anything I can do?” statement and then they are gone. Well, if grief is anything like I experienced, where are these offers six to twelve months later? For the recipient of these condolences it feels odd to “call up” on the offers.

I think it would be great for those who send condolences to send follow ups six, twelve months later stating that their offer still stands, now more than ever, and ask the recipient if they don’t need help at present, would they appreciate your checking back in a few months.

All you can do is try.

 

[maryjk]

Not a social faux pas.

In your original post you touched on something very true about condolences. Most people say them and they offer the “Is there anything I can do?” statement and then they are gone. Well, if grief is anything like I experienced, where are these offers six to twelve months later? For the recipient of these condolences it feels odd to “call up” on the offers.

I think it would be great for those who send condolences to send follow ups six, twelve months later stating that their offer still stands, now more than ever, and ask the recipient if they don’t need help at present, would they appreciate your checking back in a few months.

All you can do is try.

Also, if when you call or write, offer something specific, if you can. Not you, OP. You aren’t close to this woman. But generally.

It was really hard for me to come up with stuff for people to do. But I felt terribly overwhelmed when my Dad died. Mom was gone. And I had people coming in for the funeral.

A friend said she was coming over with some stuff. And she dropped of some bagels, cream cheese, orange juice and cut up fruit. She got everything at the store, it didn’t take a lot of time. But it gave us breakfast the day of the funeral. I would have never thought about asking for it, but it was a huge help.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I think social etiquette is changing, and what once was handled by personal card or letter through the u.s. mail is now often handled by email, facebook or other means.

.

This is true, even calling someone on the phone will be outdated soon the same way that old fashioned land line phones are disappearing. Most of my friends either text you or communicate through face book now. I don’t even own a land line phone I use my cell phone and face book.

And I’m with the group that says she probably had soooooo many messages in her face book that yours just slipped by. I don’t think she meant any harm, with that and her grieving too. Don’t read too much into it.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi pensmama,

I don’t think that you did anything wrong at all.

You reached out to her in the best way that you could, meaning that you had her Facebook info. as contact information.

Like others here have said, she probably received many condolence messages, and perhaps is trying to respond to them.

Maybe after some more time has passed, you could try contacting her again like you mentioned.

 

[Xantippe]

Not a social faux pas.

In your original post you touched on something very true about condolences. Most people say them and they offer the “Is there anything I can do?” statement and then they are gone. Well, if grief is anything like I experienced, where are these offers six to twelve months later? For the recipient of these condolences it feels odd to “call up” on the offers.

I think it would be great for those who send condolences to send follow ups six, twelve months later stating that their offer still stands, now more than ever, and ask the recipient if they don’t need help at present, would they appreciate your checking back in a few months.

All you can do is try.

Yes!

 

[Irishmom2]

Pensmama, what you did was just right. If you had sent me a message like that when my mom died, I would have thought it was a very nice gesture even if I never took you up on the offer. She may be overwhelmed, or maybe just flaky as you say. If you never hear from her again, know that you did the right thing.

“The medium is not the message.”

 

[pensmama87]

I figured as much. You seem too classy to make it public.

Really, don’t worry about it. You reached out, made a kind offer, and did so discreetly in a way that gives your friend space during this difficult time. From the sounds of it, you’re exactly what a friend should be.

Why thank you. :curtsey:

I think I will reach out again at some point, after things settle down, and she can decide then what she wants to do with that, if anything. I just want her to know that I am there for her sincerely.