Did I Commit a Social Faux Pas?

[DeniseNY]

When my mother died, some friends with whom I’m not that close, or with whom I’ve lost touch, messaged me on Facebook. I wasn’t offended by it at all. I did; however, write back to them to thank them. Maybe that’s just not something she’s emotitonally able to do right now.

Please don’t worry that you did anything “wrong”. I sincerely don’t think you did.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Mostly I’m just wondering if I acted inappropriately. I don’t want my friends to think I’m being…I don’t know what…weird, I guess, when I’m trying to console them! I want to actually be consoling.

I very much doubt anyone would find your message weird or offensive in any way.

But it could be seen as weird to pursue this and insist on helping, or making sure she is not offended, or whatever. So I also suggest you let this go, don’t bring it up unless she does when you see her again, whenever that is.

 

[Irishmom2]

But it could be seen as weird to pursue this and insist on helping, or making sure she is not offended, or whatever. So I also suggest you let this go, don’t bring it up unless she does when you see her again, whenever that is.

I agree. You made the gesture. If you are not close friends, I would let it go and wait for her to make the next contact. It would be totally different if this was a friend you were in contact with on a regular basis.

 

[pensmama87]

I agree. You made the gesture. If you are not close friends, I would let it go and wait for her to make the next contact. It would be totally different if this was a friend you were in contact with on a regular basis.

The thing is we used to be very, very close. We hadn’t had contact on a regular basis since I had kids and she was dealing with school and then getting a new job, but I thought we were still close (whenever we would see each other, it was like nothing had changed, etc.)

I think what is making me worry more about it is that she’s “taken over” as the best friend for a person I used to be friends with as well, until that friend dumped me for still not quite understandable reasons. So there’s a worry over stupid girl politics. I don’t exactly feel desperate for this girl to still know that I consider her a friend, but it does bug me that this other person we know may very well be attempting to sabotage our friendship. I have never, ever disclosed any of what happened to this friend, but I know my former friend doesn’t scruple about telling people what she thinks will get her what she wants.

That was an aspect of this I didn’t really want to drag into this thread too much because I’d like for that to not matter, but it very well may. I suppose it is up to my friend, though, to make her own decisions about who her friends are. I made my offer, it was genuinely meant, and she can take it or not.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am one of those people who will never understand why on earth someone would create a facebook account. So I have no idea what the etiquette is. However, after reading this thread, it would appear the old ‘different strokes for different folks’ apply and some people would NOT be offended by the pm so in that sense you did nothing wrong

I know she has some dietary restrictions, so I asked her to please let me know what her doctor recommended just so I didn’t make her something that she couldn’t eat.

In the future, I would simply say ‘Please tell me what you would like me to make’. This avoids making it about her health issues which could be a touchy subject

Lastly, grieving people are not always rational. When I am grieving the slightest thing would offend me. I am now mature enough to realize I am overreacting, so my way of dealing with it is ignoring the comment. Perhaps your friend just knew at the time she was still in her grief and would just say the wrong thing. She let it go so long, she is probably embarrassed to now bring it up.

Lastly, if you are worried that your ex friend is putting a wedge between you and her, I take it to mean this woman is NOT your friend if after all the years she has spent in your life she can let a third party change her opinion of you

Angie

 

[maryjk]

Lastly, grieving people are not always rational. When I am grieving the slightest thing would offend me. I am now mature enough to realize I am overreacting, so my way of dealing with it is ignoring the comment. Perhaps your friend just knew at the time she was still in her grief and would just say the wrong thing. She let it go so long, she is probably embarrassed to now bring it up.

Lastly, if you are worried that your ex friend is putting a wedge between you and her, I take it to mean this woman is NOT your friend if after all the years she has spent in your life she can let a third party change her opinion of you

Angie

I think everyone should remember that.

Grieving people are not always rational.

I remember saying to someone, while I in the depths of grief, “I just can’t handle that, right now.” Looking back, it was an easy question about work. But I couldn’t put enough thoughts together to make a coherent statement. I remembering expecting way too much from, well, pretty much everyone. Even of others that were also grieving.

I am sure one of my friends could have written the OP. I am sure some offered help, and I pretty much ignored them. Not for any good reason, other than, I had other things on my mind.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

So there’s a worry over stupid girl politics. (…)
I suppose it is up to my friend, though, to make her own decisions about who her friends are. I made my offer, it was genuinely meant, and she can take it or not.

Oh, how I hate girl politics.

You are right. It is up to her to decide who her friends are. You really can’t influence this in any way right now. it is best to stay away from any kind of drama.

It can be very difficult to have close friendships disintegrate, despite your efforts. But I have learned that if the other person is not responsive, then there is nothing we can do.

My “best” friend distanced herself when things got difficult in her life. I guess some people react that way. When she learned about my miscarriage she sent me a FB message. No offer of catching up over the phone, nothing. That really hurt and I took that as a sign that I should not bother with that relationship anymore. We wish each other a happy birthday and a merry Christmas via FB and that is it. Sad, but what can I do?

You sound like a good friend, like a person who genuinely cares. I hope that even if this friend may not appreciate it, that other people in your life do.

 

[HouseArrest]

Not a social faux pas.

In your original post you touched on something very true about condolences. Most people say them and they offer the “Is there anything I can do?” statement and then they are gone. Well, if grief is anything like I experienced, where are these offers six to twelve months later? For the recipient of these condolences it feels odd to “call up” on the offers.

I think it would be great for those who send condolences to send follow ups six, twelve months later stating that their offer still stands, now more than ever, and ask the recipient if they don’t need help at present, would they appreciate your checking back in a few months.

All you can do is try.

I would agree with this. I think the facebook contact was fine. Instead of offering something, though, I think it is better to just do something. It is difficult to know what would actually be helpful. In the past I have taken cases of pop, beer, or water, iced down in a cooler, paper products, cash, or Rubbermaid containers (to keep leftovers in.) None of these will spoil or would be useless if the family receives a whole lot of them.

I think it is very difficult for people to call you and take you up on your offer. Checking back is a really good idea, too, because then the family knows you were serious.