Did I do the right thing?

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adricrimson

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The relationship I was in ended a little over five months ago, mainly because of the long distance. Originally, we met at work and were friends for a year. However, he was offered another job upstate (350 miles away) so he moved. Before he left, though, he told me he would like to pursue a relationship with me; so over the next year, we dated as best we could, seeing each other at least once a month. Throughout this time, his job became unstable and he was told he would need to find another job immediately. He tried finding a job closer to where I lived (the city where we first met), however it didn’t happen. During his job search, he became very anxious and stressed about his future and it took its toll on our relationship - we fought more, he would snap at me, and became angry easily. He could say some of the most hurtful things to me, but would then later apologize saying he was scared he wouldn’t find something. In the end, he found a job even further north, now 400 miles away from me. Before he made the move to this new city, he said he didn’t think he could do the long distance anymore and basically gave me an ultimatum.

I tried to move to his city. I applied to a local university where I could pursue a higher degree (even though I didn’t really want it) and applied for jobs in the area (even though I did not feel comfortable in this city). I really tried to convince myself that I could move, but I just couldn’t. I could not leave my job, my family, and the life I have built for myself in my city. Something inside me just told me not to do it. Whether it was fear, perhaps God, I don’t know. What held me back, aside from not wanting to move to his new city, was seeing the mean side of him come through when he was stressed out. People I spoke to told me that many of the problems we were experiencing wouldn’t exist if him and I lived in the same city, and they urged me to move-- “You will never know if you don’t try”.

Five months later (and no thanks to feeling lonely during Christmas and New Years), I can’t help but wonder maybe they were right. Should I have moved to a new city to resume a dating relationship with him? I would do it if he were my fiance or my husband, but for a boyfriend? I can’t help but beat myself up over what might have been. I did love this man, and at times, thought I could marry him, but I needed more time to figure that out. And that was just something he could no longer give me. I just wonder why things couldn’t have worked out differently.
 
I don’t think you should second guess yourself. You raised a lot of legitimate concerns with moving.

If it helps, I did not move to the same city as my DH until after we got married. Not once was there an ultimatum or pressure to do otherwise. In fact, he did not expect me to move here without a permanent commitment on his part.
 
God places desires in our hearts so He can fulfill them. If you have a strong desire to get married, it is most likely a desire that God put there. But, if you don’t have a desire to move or go to school right now, that is probably God’s way of helping you to know that he does not will that for you. When I think I may want something different than what God wants for me, I pray that He makes my will the same as His will. He always answers me. He will not put a longing in your heart that He does not plan to do something with. I am not telling you to marry your former boyfriend. I am just suggesting you pray that God leads the desires of your heart. Because, He will.
 
adricrimson said:
The relationship I was in ended a little over five months ago, mainly because of the long distance. Originally, we met at work and were friends for a year. However, he was offered another job upstate (350 miles away) so he moved. Before he left, though, he told me he would like to pursue a relationship with me; so over the next year, we dated as best we could, seeing each other at least once a month. Throughout this time, his job became unstable and he was told he would need to find another job immediately. He tried finding a job closer to where I lived (the city where we first met), however it didn’t happen. During his job search, he became very anxious and stressed about his future and it took its toll on our relationship - we fought more, he would snap at me, and became angry easily. He could say some of the most hurtful things to me, but would then later apologize saying he was scared he wouldn’t find something. In the end, he found a job even further north, now 400 miles away from me. Before he made the move to this new city, he said he didn’t think he could do the long distance anymore and basically gave me an ultimatum.

I tried to move to his city. I applied to a local university where I could pursue a higher degree (even though I didn’t really want it) and applied for jobs in the area (even though I did not feel comfortable in this city). I really tried to convince myself that I could move, but I just couldn’t. I could not leave my job, my family, and the life I have built for myself in my city. Something inside me just told me not to do it. Whether it was fear, perhaps God, I don’t know. What held me back, aside from not wanting to move to his new city, was seeing the mean side of him come through when he was stressed out. People I spoke to told me that many of the problems we were experiencing wouldn’t exist if him and I lived in the same city, and they urged me to move-- “You will never know if you don’t try”.

Five months later (and no thanks to feeling lonely during Christmas and New Years), I can’t help but wonder maybe they were right. Should I have moved to a new city to resume a dating relationship with him? I would do it if he were my fiance or my husband, but for a boyfriend? I can’t help but beat myself up over what might have been. I did love this man, and at times, thought I could marry him, but I needed more time to figure that out. And that was just something he could no longer give me. I just wonder why things couldn’t have worked out differently.
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No. You didn’t have enough experience with this person, and what you did have, wasn’t good - you were very right to scrutinize him closely when he was under stress. He took it out on you, which is never a good sign.

That “something” inside you that told you not to do it? That was the Holy Spirit, my friend. You listened. You honored yourself because you listened. It is going to be all right. Other good things will happen in your life. You should never make that kind of a move just for a boyfriend. What would have happened if you’d rearranged your life, moved to his location, and THEN he broke up with you?? Be happy that you didn’t do it!

👍
 
adricrimson said:
During his job search, he became very anxious and stressed about his future and it took its toll on our relationship - we fought more, he would snap at me, and became angry easily. Before he made the move to this new city, he said he didn’t think he could do the long distance anymore and basically gave me an ultimatum.

Something inside me just told me not to do it. Whether it was fear, perhaps God, I don’t know. What held me back, aside from not wanting to move to his new city, was *seeing the mean side of him *come through when he was stressed out.
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A few things stood out for me in your post. He gets angry easily and takes it out on you. We all get angry but not all people react in such a way. And this was when you were only dating. I suspect that his temper would have become a bigger issue in marriage: people relax, barriers go down, we don’t behave as well as when we date. Forget what people were telling you, that moving to the same city would end the problems and his anger. Maybe. But you would have other problems eventually. Something inside you told you not to do it. I’m glad you listened to that little voice. I can say from personal experience that whenever I refused to listen to that voice I ended up making a mistake.
 
All of you do bring up good points, some that I haven’t thought about in a long time. Its been a while since I’ve talked to anyone about what I’ve been feeling. Most of my friends and family think that its already been five months so I should already be over this. For the most part, I am, its just the holidays set me back a little.

For me the breaking point was the ultimatum. I was shocked and heart broken when he told me he couldn’t go on anymore, but deep down I knew (or the Holy Spirit was telling me… thank you, TheRealJulianne) that this was not right. Even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, I never imagined “my love story” would have the guy putting me in a very uncomfortable position to choose. I need to learn to view that ultimatum as a blessing in disguise

I would talk to him about his anxiety, stress, and anger, and how much it worried me. I even suggested he talk to someone about it (a doctor, a priest, or his family) because all of his worrying would actually make him physically sick (upset stomachs, migraine headaches); and his anger would be evident in his moods and demeanour. All he would tell me is “I’m aware of it, and I’m working on it”. There was one encounter where he got so upset at a deceased family member (cursing, pacing, and shaking his fists), and I can immediately recall being afraid for my physical safety. I heard that small voice in my head tell me “Get out”. I only bring this up to support what Contra Mudum has pointed out- that his temper would have become a bigger issue in marriage. Now more than ever, I believe this to be true.

Thank you for your affirming words and for helping me feel better about having made this decision. I just needed to be reminded that I’d made the right one and that I’m still on the right path. You all are God sends! 🙂
 
adricrimson said:
For me the breaking point was the ultimatum. I need to learn to view that ultimatum as a blessing in disguise

Thank you for your affirming words and for helping me feel better about having made this decision. I just needed to be reminded that I’d made the right one and that I’m still on the right path. You all are God sends! 🙂
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I think you are very wise. So many people ignore the signs of trouble and shut up the voice inside. It is great that you ended things early, before getting even more involved with him. The holidays can be really tough and it is not uncommon to feel nostalgic for people and places one would not miss otherwise. Glad you got some help here. God bless.
 
adricrimson said:
… All he would tell me is “I’m aware of it, and I’m working on it”. There was one encounter where he got so upset at a deceased family member (cursing, pacing, and shaking his fists), and I can immediately recall being afraid for my physical safety. I heard that small voice in my head tell me “Get out”…
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I spent many years in a long-distance relationship. We married and we’re still together and very happy. I was also engaged once (part of that was long-distance), but we broke it off. The people who told you “that many of the problems we were experiencing wouldn’t exist if him and I lived in the same city” may have meant well, but their advice could have stranded you in a strange place with someone who was not looking out for your welfare.

Feeling entitled to indulge in bad behavior is not fixed by moving, by getting married, by having a baby, by finishing one’s degree, by getting the right job, or any of that. It is fixed when the person behaving badly recognizes that he or she is in the wrong, takes responsibility, and amends themselves by whatever means are appropriate under the circumstances, whether that is by getting professional help, by seeking spiritual help, just by straightening up and flying right, or by some combination of those.

I think you dodged a bullet. I REALLY think you dodged a bullet.
 
EasterJoy said:
The people who told you “that many of the problems we were experiencing wouldn’t exist if him and I lived in the same city” may have meant well, but their advice could have stranded you in a strange place with someone who was not looking out for your welfare.

Feeling entitled to indulge in bad behavior is not fixed by moving, by getting married, by having a baby, by finishing one’s degree, by getting the right job, or any of that.** It is fixed when the person behaving badly recognizes that he or she is in the wrong, takes responsibility, and amends themselves by whatever means are appropriate under the circumstances, whether that is by getting professional help, by seeking spiritual help, just by straightening up and flying right, or by some combination of those.**

I think you dodged a bullet. I REALLY think you dodged a bullet.
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EasterJoy, thank you for your words. You are right, there were times where I wondered if he really did care about my welfare. It always felt like I took a back seat to many things in his life: his research and work project (and it was a major one, at least to him), his career, his job search, his family. And given the dynamics of the long distance relationship, I suppose this did work for his schedule. But when it began interfering in our scheduled meeting times, and even distracted him while we were spending time together, I often felt like I wasn’t important enough to him, and that I wasn’t worthy of his precious time. My self-esteem took a huge hit. As I reflect on what you’ve said, I think that if I had moved, I would have gotten lost in the everyday “priorities” of his life, and yes, I would have ended up in a city I didn’t even want to be in with someone who really didn’t value me.

Despite how he treated me, I did love him and it is my hope that he seek the help he needs to manage and control his anger and anxiety. Lately I have been praying to God that He change his life for the better, that the Holy Spirit come over his heart and his mind, and transform him into a Godly person. Will this ever happen? I don’t know. For that to happen, I think it would truly have to be the work of God.
 
adricrimson said:
EasterJoy, thank you for your words. You are right, there were times where I wondered if he really did care about my welfare. It always felt like I took a back seat to many things in his life: his research and work project (and it was a major one, at least to him), his career, his job search, his family. And given the dynamics of the long distance relationship, I suppose this did work for his schedule. But when it began interfering in our scheduled meeting times, and even distracted him while we were spending time together, I often felt like I wasn’t important enough to him, and that I wasn’t worthy of his precious time. My self-esteem took a huge hit. As I reflect on what you’ve said, I think that if I had moved, I would have gotten lost in the everyday “priorities” of his life, and yes, I would have ended up in a city I didn’t even want to be in with someone who really didn’t value me.

Despite how he treated me, I did love him and it is my hope that he seek the help he needs to manage and control his anger and anxiety. Lately I have been praying to God that He change his life for the better, that the Holy Spirit come over his heart and his mind, and transform him into a Godly person. Will this ever happen? I don’t know. For that to happen, I think it would truly have to be the work of God.
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Also, by following him, you would have been effectively telling him that YOUR life was not as important as your relationship with him. These unspoken messages are at least as important as anything that is stated out loud. Would a woman with self-respect chase a man who is not even treating her that well overall? NO! But a woman who is desperate, would. So you did not follow him, which means that you respect yourself more than to go chasing a man.
 
adricrimson said:
Despite how he treated me, I did love him and it is my hope that he seek the help he needs to manage and control his anger and anxiety. Lately I have been praying to God that He change his life for the better, that the Holy Spirit come over his heart and his mind, and transform him into a Godly person. Will this ever happen? I don’t know. For that to happen, I think it would truly have to be the work of God.
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When any of us becomes or remains in the possession of God, it is always the work of God. Others have helped us along the way, but it is always the Holy Spirit who ultimately accomplishes it. What you’re hoping for is according to the usual way of things, then.

Losing someone you love (emotion) but failed to love (action) as a natural consequence is one of the better ways of waking up to a misplaced set of priorities. Had you not been a “prophet” of what is and is not an appropriate way to treat other people, let alone someone he said he particularly cared about and would asked to make sacrifices for him, you’d have failed in witnessing to how relations between decent people are supposed to work, let alone relations between those in courtship relationships. So as hard as it was to see his good points and yet draw the line that needed to be drawn, you did the right thing. You can’t make a good marriage by ignoring it when a faulty foundation is being laid.
 
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