Did I do the right thing?

[YinYangMom]

I’m with the others, and you, about the 'if you’re man enough to have sex…" approach…though I wouldn’t finish the phrase with, then support yourself, especially at this age of 18.

However, recognize the fact that these two believe they are behaving as adults and they expect you to disapprove. I would work on dispelling that myth with kindness and support. You aren’t the ‘typical’ mom. You’re a Catholic mom!

Invite them both over for dinner and a conversation. If they’re sleeping together, in your mind, they’re married (in a sense) so start treating her as a daugher-in-law. Speak to them as adults, CATHOLIC adults…but mostly, ask leading questions to get them to divulge their thought processes…ask all those ‘what if’ questions no couple in the beginning thinks pertain to them:

What do you foresee for your future?
Do you believe he/she’s THE one God intends for you?
Do you see marriage in the picture?
How do you see you supporting each other financially?
Will you remain in town or move away?
Who’s job will determine the future of your relationship?
What precautions are you taking against pregnancy?
Why did you choose that method?
Are you aware of the Church’s teaching on ABC?
(I’d have Humane Vitae and some Theology of the Body books/CDs/videos ready to hand to them).
Definitely bring up finances…who pays for what if anything goes wrong (not just a pregnancy, but if one of them gets seriously ill or gets in a disabilitating accident)?
What if there is a pregnancy, what is their plan?
(You want to find out if abortion is an option in her mind).

These things drive kids crazy. They don’t want to deal with the logistics and responsibilities, they just want to have fun make-believing their adults. However, there are some young adults who actually have thought all these things through, and it is in discussing these matters you find that out about them. Maybe, just maybe, your son and this woman are more mature than you expect???

Having the conversation lets them know that while you do not approve of the situation, you recognize he has chosen this woman to spend XXX number of months/years with…so it’s time for her to start coming to your family events, particularly mass with your family, etc. This will usually freak out the other party (it’s a signal that the relationship is moving too quickly, but that’s just the point - if they’re having sex, they already moved it to that point - you’re just playing the relationship out.)

At the same time you make it perfectly clear that there will be no sleeping together under your roof, that from this point forward (because you will have taught them the gravity of their decision to engage in premarital sex) they will definitely be in a state of mortal sin if they continue on that path, and therefore would not expect them to receive communion at mass. Invite them to go to confession with you, and commit to living their relationship chastely instead (this is where I’d have them listen to Jason Everet’s talk “Romance without Regret” from your computer at home and then hand them the Humanae Vitae, etc.)

Basically let them know you are there to help them form a strong, Catholic relationship now that they’ve made it clear to you they are a committed couple…(always put it back on their laps - that their decision to engage in an adult relationship has these responsibilities/obligations attached to such a decision).

That’s my 2 cents. Good luck to you. You’re a great mom, from what I can tell. He is most blessed to have you there to guide him through this.

 

[T1Catholic]

Like most other posters, I would not kick him out of the house or force him to pay for everything all of a sudden. As much as you don’t want to hear this, it is quite common for good Catholic kids to stray once they get to a certain age and almost especially if they move away to go to college. It is disapointing as a parent but if you raised him with a strong foundation in the faith, he will likely come back again when he’s a little older. If you become overbearing as a parent, always checking on him, constantly questioning him, you are going to drive him further away. I was like him at his age, drinking at parties and having sex with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I went through that typical rebellious stage and at around age 24 I came back to the Church. At least he’s isn’t doing drugs or sleeping around with multiple partners - not much consolation I know. I think sometimes we have somewhat unrealistic expectations that we can shield our kids from the world forever. Many people on this forum were once living the corrupted life and then found their way back and became on fire for the faith, I can’t help but think that is more the norm than the exception. Of course I pray that my children will remain chaste until marriage and I will never teach them about “safe sex”. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[gmarie21]

If you want your son to take on more responsibility, start by REMOVING him from your car insurance policy. If he screws up in that department he’s the only one to pay for it. THe bill will be in his name and he’ll have only himself to blame. By the time I was 18 I was no longer on my parent’s insurance.

Have you thought about having the two of you go pray outside of an abortion clinic weekly? Or volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center? Or a Catholic organization that works with prostitutes? Or babysit for children at a safe house? He will get a better understanding of how hurtful and hard life is when one goes against God’s plan of holiness.

 

[Jay2]

(I’m a little hard-nosed, so I’ll apologize in advance).

He’s figured out how to use what makes him technically a “man”, unfortunately at this age the little head is in control of the big one.

Now the BOY needs to learn everything else that comprises a Man:
Realization that now if you dance as a man, YOU pay the fiddler.
Consequences of his actions.
Financial Responsibility.
Moral Responsibility - to himself, his family, and God.

These replies come from an older (now) man - who’s had the lumps and TIME to reflect upon just how stupid he was.

Much of this attitude comes from my own upbringing. Argue good or not… I wasn’t the “model” child, and certainly not a good Catholic one.

Starting around 17 I started to live my life between my legs and did some serious goofing off, a lot of it illegal. I lived with my father… who is about as “old school” and hard-headed as they come. And way confused… One minute congratulating me about my latest female conquest, the next admonishing about the consequences of my actions…

His eventual response was dismissal/denial and “you’re cut off… you can live here but you pay your own way… rent, food, utilities, everything.” Boy did this policy backfire. It was a license to steal… as long as I paid my rent I had “free reign” and could do whatever I wanted! Those were his terms, and I met them… as a “tenant” he now had NO control over me if I met my obligations to the terms.

Give this some thought before laying down sanctions.

I turned out alright, but with more guidance, concern, and understanding I know I’d be a better man than I am now… in my eyes, in His eyes, my wife’s, and my own children’s.

 

[fiat1122]

lukefan,

Is this the same son who had several academic issues and was expelled from a Catholic high school due to learning disabilities at the end of his junior year? I’m assuming he finished his senior year at a public high school and now he’s at a community college, possibly continuing to struggle since those academic issues don’t just go away…and making friends is much more difficult at a community college since there isn’t the dorm life and school spirit, etc.

If this is true, and pardon me if I’m in error or this is a different son, but I wonder if he’s lonely and seeking some comfort and acceptance in a relationship that ultimately isn’t good for him. Maybe this girl makes him feel strong and confident finally for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, he’s taken those good feelings and gone much too far with wanting to show this girl how he feels about her in return.

I would tread carefully about this. There is a big Catholic young adult group in KC if you are wanting to encourage his involvement with faith-filled persons of his age. The one that is on the KS side has a website: www.kcyoungadults.org and might be something you pass along to him or even…make something like attending a men’s faith sharing group mandatory for living at home, or attending the young adult mass once during the week…just a thought.

I don’t think kicking him out is the answer. As Cup mentioned, this seems to encourage the sexual relationship even more and will ultimately drive him farther from the faith and you. The money issue should not be the faith issue. My parents try to make everything a money issue with all of my younger siblings and it just makes the real issues ‘topics’ instead of the problem to be solved.

Deacon Bob McDonald talks about how parents have a duty and moral obligation to not allow mortal sin within their home. If you talk to him less about money and more about how devastated you are for him concerning his soul and his body–this might speak to him more deeply.

It’s your home so there are rules that can be enforced, such as a curfew, etc. But keep in mind that the idea is not to make it all but impossible for him to continue seeing this girl and sleeping with her–the idea is to empower him to choose that for himself. Discipline is for the purpose of training children to act in an appropriate way when parents AREN’T watching.

AMEN, ONE CANNOT BE AN ACCOMPLICE TO SIN UNDER ONE’S ROOF. Talk to him calmly not hysterically.