Did I do wrong?

[MTH]

I have a question that I just been starting to wonder about. My wife divorced me about 4 years ago; she left me for somebody else. Sometimes I think that God wanted the divorce to happen because ever since the divorce, my relationship with God is much closer and stronger. Anyway, I have been getting pressure from my family to start dating again. My son even went so far as to invite me over to his friend’s house for dinner to meet his friend’s mother who happens to be seperated. I did go over to her house for dinner with a group of people so it was not just the two of us. Well, I thanked her and reciprocated by inviting her over to my apartment for dinner. Again, it was just a casual dinner. A week later she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. Since I wanted to see that particular movie anyway, I thought, why not. We went to get dinner at a restaurant first and then to the movie. Although I don’t consider any of this dating (since there was no holding hands, kissing or even sitting close to her – I didn’t even shake hands with her at the end of the evening), but I thought it might be interrupted that way so I decided that I cannot socialize with her any more so as not to think that I was dating since I don’t have an annulment yet (although I am going through the process). Even after I get my annulment, I have decided not to date or marry again because I want to dedicate my life to God. The way I see it is, God gave me a chance to be married and it didn’t work out and I figure once is enough. My questions are. Did I do wrong by going to dinner and a movie with this woman as described above? Was this considered adultery? By the way, my family (parents, brother/sister) think I am going overboard with this whole thing about my relationship with God and not dating even after the annulment. I keep telling my family that I just want to set my life right in the eyes of God. Should I confess this in confession. This incident happened about a year ago and I have not seen her since or anybody else. I just live quitely by myself.

Thank you!
Mark

 

[Liberian]

Mark,

First, let me commend you for your decision to commit your life to God. I think that this is wonderful, and if your family thinks you have gone overboard that is their problem and not yours.

Your question raises the general subject of what sort of relationships with women are licit and what are not. I don’t pretend to have the answers, but from your post it looks like what you were doing a year ago was trying to figure this out. Personally speaking, I don’t think you did anything wrong. This is just one man’s opinion, however, and if it is bugging your conscience I would suggest that you go ahead and go to confession over it. It’s not that big a deal.

• Liberian

 

[puzzleannie]

MTH:

I have a question that I just been starting to wonder about. My wife divorced me about 4 years ago; she left me for somebody else. Sometimes I think that God wanted the divorce to happen because ever since the divorce, my relationship with God is much closer and stronger.
Thank you!
Mark

God never desires or plans an evil to happen, He does however always use an evil for our benefit. If you are even contemplating dating, you had better examine your marriage to determine if the conditions for a valid marriage existed at the time of your wedding, and if you have doubts submit it to the tribunal for judgement. Only after, if and when, a decree of nullity has been issued would you be free to date or marry.

 

[1ke]

MTH:

I have a question that I just been starting to wonder about. My wife divorced me about 4 years ago; she left me for somebody else. Sometimes I think that God wanted the divorce to happen because ever since the divorce, my relationship with God is much closer and stronger.

I am sorry for the demise of your marriage, and I am glad the God has made a greater good come from the loss.

MTH:

Anyway, I have been getting pressure from my family to start dating again. My son even went so far as to invite me over to his friend’s house for dinner to meet his friend’s mother who happens to be seperated.

You absolutely MUST put your foot down and insist that this topic is off limits from here on out. It is none of their business what you do in your personal life, and you have told them already that you do not want to “date”. This is the influence of the secular culture on your family members-- the idea that one must be in a relationship in order to be happy, fulfilled, etc. The culture rejects chastity and celibacy, and therefore your family has embraced the cultural norm rather than the Church in this instance. Educate them, but stand firm.

MTH:

I did go over to her house for dinner with a group of people so it was not just the two of us. Well, I thanked her and reciprocated by inviting her over to my apartment for dinner. Again, it was just a casual dinner. A week later she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. Since I wanted to see that particular movie anyway, I thought, why not. We went to get dinner at a restaurant first and then to the movie. Although I don’t consider any of this dating (since there was no holding hands, kissing or even sitting close to her – I didn’t even shake hands with her at the end of the evening), but I thought it might be interrupted that way so I decided that I cannot socialize with her any more so as not to think that I was dating since I don’t have an annulment yet (although I am going through the process).

I think this is quite wise. It would be easy for her to get the wrong idea, and especially if she’s not a Catholic she would see nothing wrong with dating even though she’s not even actually divorced yet. Serial relationships are the societal norm, even in Christian circles. You don’t want to get caught up in that, nor do you want to hurt her feelings.

My one piece of advice: don’t avoid her, just tell her. Tell her that you enjoyed dinner, and you are glad your kids are friends. But, you don’t want her to get the wrong impression that there was a dating interest. She may not have seen it as a date, but likely she did.

MTH:

Even after I get my annulment, I have decided not to date or marry again because I want to dedicate my life to God. The way I see it is, God gave me a chance to be married and it didn’t work out and I figure once is enough.

Although the church does not require this, I think it is a wonderful thing. It is an opportunity to dedicate yourself to service, to your kids, and to God. As long as you are not taking it up as a life-long penance for your marriage failing, and are truly feeling called to it as a vocation, then you are right to pursue this.

I’d suggest getting some spirtual direction if you haven’t already.

MTH:

My questions are. Did I do wrong by going to dinner and a movie with this woman as described above? Was this considered adultery?

No and No.

MTH:

By the way, my family (parents, brother/sister) think I am going overboard with this whole thing about my relationship with God and not dating even after the annulment. I keep telling my family that I just want to set my life right in the eyes of God.

Your family doesn’t seem to be very religious. Would they tell someone who thought they had a vocation to the priesthood or religious life they were “going overboard”? It is possible you are being called to some sort of lay or ordained ministry.

BUT, if you are merely staying single as your punishment for divorce-- then I think you need counseling and to rethink your position. There’s a difference between self-inflicted guilt and punishment and an authentic call to a particular way of life.

MTH:

Should I confess this in confession. This incident happened about a year ago and I have not seen her since or anybody else. I just live quitely by myself.

Oh, wow, a year ago. Then disregard my thing about “tell her”. She’s gotten the message by now.

Anyway, you did not do anything wrong by going to dinner or a movie with this person. You are not called to cut off all human interaction just because your wife left.

If you live quietly by yourself because you feel called to, then great. Again, some counseling and spiritual direction would be a good idea.

 

[MTH]

1ke:

Although the church does not require this, I think it is a wonderful thing. It is an opportunity to dedicate yourself to service, to your kids, and to God. As long as you are not taking it up as a life-long penance for your marriage failing, and are truly feeling called to it as a vocation, then you are right to pursue this.

I’d suggest getting some spirtual direction if you haven’t already.

It’s funny that you should mention that. Shortly after my divorce, I had this reoccuring dream about becoming a priest. This particular dream occurred about 3 nights a week. After a few months, I got so concerned about it, I made an appointment with my local priest to talk about it. He said it’s common for some people to feel a “calling” when they have a major disruption in their lives, but when I told him all the facts, he said it may not be a calling but rather a call to get closer to God in doing something else other than becoming a priest. It made perfect sense the way he explained it. After all I have a son from our marriage who lives with me and he has a lot of issues that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Your family doesn’t seem to be very religious. Would they tell someone who thought they had a vocation to the priesthood or religious life they were “going overboard”? It is possible you are being called to some sort of lay or ordained ministry.

That is true to a certain degree. My brother is not very religious at all. Very rarely attends church, if at all, and obviously does not follow the church’s teachings. My sister does go to church on an occassion (probably 10 times a year but that is about it). My parents on the other hand are very religious and go to church faithfully every week. However, they don’t see anything wrong in dating even though I don’t have an annulment yet.

BUT, if you are merely staying single as your punishment for divorce-- then I think you need counseling and to rethink your position. There’s a difference between self-inflicted guilt and punishment and an authentic call to a particular way of life.

Yes, I would tend to agree with that. Part of it is self-inflicited guilt because I know how much God hates divorce and in my case, it was not my idea to get a divorce, my ex-wife insisted on it as I believe she was seeing someone else (unknown to me at the time). So, I guess I had no control over the situation. And I’m trying to do everything right because when my times comes, I want to look God in the eyes and said, I did my best and lived my life as close to your teachings as was humanly possible. I’m doing everything I can to get to Heaven.

Thank you all, I feel better about getting this off my chest and I’ll do some more soul searching.

 

[Scout]

MTH:

My son even went so far as to invite me over to his friend’s house for dinner to meet his friend’s mother who happens to be seperated.

I think this is a problem because she is still married, as you are.

MTH:

Even after I get my annulment, I have decided not to date or marry again because I want to dedicate my life to God. The way I see it is, God gave me a chance to be married and it didn’t work out and I figure once is enough.

I don’t see why you should believe that you only get one chance at marriage. If you receive an annulment, you were never married to begin with.

Since it’s been so long since you’ve seen or talked with this woman, I wouldn’t bother bringing it up again. By now, I would hope she’s taken the hint that you’re not going to pursue a relationship with her.

If you feel you are called to live a life without wife or children, then you need to obey that call. If it’s what God wants, then you’ll know it. If, however, you’re trying to avoid getting hurt again by not dating, then you need to work on those issues. Either way, pray about it and God will make his will for your life clear.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[the-3rd-parent]

Well, being that its been a year, it appears that she may have gotten the point. If it had been more recently, I would have adviced you to speak with her about your intentions of not dating. Maybe its just me, but I hate having to wait to see if a guy calls me or what not to figure out “oh he’s not interested after all.” I’d rather have a guy tell me straight up front. But I suppose not all women are the same.

I wouldn’t say it is wrong for you to date. God may in fact be calling you not to date, but make sure that you are spending good amounts of time in prayer discerning His will, listening to His voice, rather than playing a bunch of guess work. Morally speaking, it is not wrong for you to date and if you’re judging this like you make moral judgements, than you’re being too hard on yourself. But if you have prayed and prayed and truly feel that God wants you to consecrate yourself to him and to live the single life, than go all for it and endour the ridicule.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that God wanted you to divorce, but rather that God uses hardship to make us realize how much we need Him. Its in these moments of utter helplessness that God’s voice can seem the loudest and we can no longer go about ignoring it.

As for confessing going on a couple of dates with a woman who was merely separated, I would say go but don’t be so hard on yourself. A date doesn’t require holding hands or cuddling. There’s a difference between establishing a relationship and dating someone of the opposite sex. I mean, I know that if my husband started going to dinners and movies with another woman a couple of times, I’d consider that unfaithful primarily because he is putting himself and another woman in a near occassion of sin, he’s encouraging sin. I wouldn’t call what you did a mortal sin, though.

God Bless you in your spiritual journey,

Angela

 

[Ruthie]

Mark,

Remember that an annulment means that you were never married. If your annulment is granted, Then you are single. Not “single again,” just plain single because you were never married.

 

[1ke]

MTH:

It’s funny that you should mention that. Shortly after my divorce, I had this reoccuring dream about becoming a priest. This particular dream occurred about 3 nights a week. After a few months, I got so concerned about it, I made an appointment with my local priest to talk about it. He said it’s common for some people to feel a “calling” when they have a major disruption in their lives, but when I told him all the facts, he said it may not be a calling but rather a call to get closer to God in doing something else other than becoming a priest.

Give it some time, get through the annulment process, raise your son, and then see. Perhaps you are called to lay ministry, but maybe it is more-- the diaconate or priesthood. Get some distance and clarity and then revisit it.

In the meantime, consider looking into lay ministries and lay group such as Opus Dei, 3rd Order Franciscans, Legionnaires of Christ (I think they have a lay group), etc. Perhaps you are called into service in the world as a non-ordained person.

MTH:

That is true to a certain degree. My brother is not very religious at all.

It seemed this might be the case. Stand your ground, and tell them to butt out.

MTH:

Yes, I would tend to agree with that. Part of it is self-inflicited guilt because I know how much God hates divorce and in my case, it was not my idea to get a divorce, my ex-wife insisted on it as I believe she was seeing someone else (unknown to me at the time).

Try to get some counseling-- from a Catholic counselor if possible. God does hate divorce, but he does not hate YOU. A critical distinction! You are what the Church calls the innocent spouse. The laws of the US make “no fault” divorce much too easy to obtain, and it is sad that you had no recourse to prevent divorce.

That said, she may have lacked the ability to contract a valid marriage, so you are wise to pursue an annulment if you feel you have valid grounds. Don’t be dissuaded from this.

MTH:

So, I guess I had no control over the situation. And I’m trying to do everything right because when my times comes, I want to look God in the eyes and said, I did my best and lived my life as close to your teachings as was humanly possible. I’m doing everything I can to get to Heaven.

This is admirable, and of course what every person is called to do-- attain heaven. But, don’t show up at the pearly gates wearing your hair-shirt over something you had no control. You did all you could.

Pursue where you think God is calling you. I think you have a good balance-- you recognize your son needs you right now. And, you have plenty of time to discern what may be a vocation. There are many second-career priests and deacons. Also, find a person specifically trained in spiritual direction (which not all priests are). Check with your diocesan office and with any orders of priests that may be in your city to see who they recommend for spiritual direction.