I’m going to dare to ask a question on this link though it isn’t my link. It is along the same line, however.
I was basically away from the church for about 30 years. I have been “home” for about 2 wonderful and blessed years now. During the time I was away, I did occasionally go to confession–usually so I could go to communion on a special occasion such as Christmas Midnight Mass or the anniversary of my Dad’s death. Anyway, it’s amazing what happens to your mind and conscience when you seriously come back to the Church and really mean it. Suddenly, you look back on 30 years of your life and realize just what a worthless person you really were. But here’s the root of my query: in all fairness, when I did go to confession, I can’t honestly say that I was positive that I’d change my ways in the future–even in being faithful about attending weekly Mass–as obviously I turned right around and failed to go the very next week. Moreover, in the 70’s and 80’s for instance, it was kind of vogue in the parishes where I lived to use descriptive words for a sin rather than to come right out and say “I fornicated 15 times.” So, instead of saying “I lied” I often said “I sinned against honesty.” In the same vein, Adultery would be described as “A sin against purity” and deliberately failing to return property that someone left accidentally and where the owner was known, might be described as “a sin against honesty” also–instead of stealing. I am only using these as examples–not making a confession on this link–but I hope you all get the idea.
The priest always gave me absolution. The fact is however, that as I look back now and I realize that I gladly used these terms as a kind of cop-out because I knew the priest would accept this wording and frankly–because when a person hasn’t been living their faith in any sense of the word and going to confession regularly—it was less embarrassing.
Now fast forward to today. I make a point of going to confession at least once a month as it really makes a huge difference in my spiritual life. When I made my first confession after returning, it was right after my mother’s death–again, so I could go to communion at her funeral Mass—but at least 15 years since my last previous confession. I did try to make a good confession, but the priest here–and he is truly an awesome spiritual adviser—sort of helped me along as I think he realized that my deciding to do so was prodded by my mom’s passing and that I hadn’t had adequate time to examine 15 years worth of conscience. He gave me absolution. Since then, I have every now and then thought of specific sins I committed in the past and I have confessed them to him too.
The bigger picture to me, however, came a few weeks ago. I was asleep and woke up and got to thinking in the middle of the night (never a good idea, I know) and it occurred to me that maybe I should be confessing to the priest all my less than well intentioned confessions in the past–which would then mean I should also re-confess the bigger sins from my past that in retrospect I know I skated by on. Am I making any sense?
So here’s my question: tomorrow is Saturday and I will go to Mass on Saturday evening. I plan on going to my monthly confession before Mass. I wonder if I should re-confess all that I explained above–or drop it–knowing that God must see the change in my heart and my new realization that I was a total, pompous, undeserving a*s for many, many years. We only have 1 priest currently–our assistant pastor is hospitalized for kidney failure and has been out of state for months. This means that our pastor is on total duty 7/24. We have rosary and Benediction prior to that 5:30 Saturday Mass, and Father is always pressed for time–though he never makes you feel that he is (I just can see it, y’know?).
I guess I am a little OCD–though I totally understand the concept of scrupulosity and don’t think I’m quite that bad–though I could be wrong. What I DON"T want to do however, is decide to simply accept that I’m okay or make an excuse to let myself off the hook when I better not. I don’t want to take the easy way out and argue myself into a false complacency, another words. So, what does everyone think would be my best approach? I have between now and 5:30 Saturday to read the advice I get and I really want to hear from anyone who has an opinion. I won’t be offended. I am sincere in only wanting to do what is right for my soul–without driving the poor priest nuts along my way.
