did i miss something?

[Melissa2007]

Where is it written that we are all supposed to be happy? I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people decide to get a divorce simply b/c they aren’t happy anymore. I just don’t remember as long as we both are happy being part of the wedding vows. Is there really anyone who is happy 100% of the time in their marriage. Most of us go through ups and downs. I just want to scream at people and tell them why do you get to leave the marriage because you are unhappy and completely destroy your kids in the process! Why is their happiness more important than their children’s? Sorry this has come up a few times recently with friends and I just had to get if out of my system! Thanks!

 

[Carjack1]

I see your point. But believe it or not, there are some kids who are happier when their parents get a divorce because they argue all the time. That was the situation with my mother’s family(plus my grandpa was physically abusive). But if you mean happier in a superficial sense(for better or for worse), then I completely understand what you mean.

 

[GladCatholic]

When I was around 16, my parents split for good–they argued all of the time that I can remember. And I can say for me, I still would’ve preferred they’d stayed together–even with the arguing.

Glad

 

[DustinM]

Where is it written that we are all supposed to be happy? I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people decide to get a divorce simply b/c they aren’t happy anymore.

Most people who decide to separate are downright miserable in their marriage, and this negatively effects the children.

I just don’t remember as long as we both are happy being part of the wedding vows. Is there really anyone who is happy 100% of the time in their marriage.

I agree that 100% happiness is impossible, but at what point do we draw the line? 50% happiness? 1%?

Most of us go through ups and downs. I just want to scream at people and tell them why do you get to leave the marriage because you are unhappy and completely destroy your kids in the process!

Some marriages are so bad that the children are better off with the parents separated. Please provide evidence that children are “destroyed” by separation; especially 100% of the time.

Why is their happiness more important than their children’s?

Sometimes children are happier when their parents are separated. Generally not right away, but later.

 

[Island_Oak]

You can never really know what goes on in other people’s marriages. There is “unhappy” and then there is something more like a profound incompatability~it may never involve anything like addiction, abuse or intense conflict. But after much struggle, prayer and dedication, it may create such impairment for one or both of the partners that separation is in fact the best alternative.

Marriage is a ever-evolving processs~sometimes a work of art, sometimes a beautiful symphony and sometimes a construction project that just never comes together in the way we had hoped. Judging the outcome from afar does little good and few people I have ever known entered or exited a marriage without serious consideration and effort.

 

[ohioszo]

It depends on whether a marriage is a sacramental marriage or not. Without a emotional and spiritual dimension, I suppose people can be unhappy with their marriage. Be glad that is all that is said. Some newly divorced people will run their exes down, and just to say that they are unhappy is saving you some misery.

 

[gardenswithkids]

You can never really know what goes on in other people’s marriages. …

That may be true, but some friends of ours are getting a divorce after over twenty years of marriage, and it hurts.

I don’t know what all went on in their marriage. They live in another state now, but we were once very close with them. They are good people and strong Christians. She wants it; he doesn’t. I imagine she just got fed up with some of his annoying habits, but I don’t really know.

People may think divorce is just between spouses and their children, but it affects more than just the immediate family. Divorces affect all of us as families are the building blocks of society.

 

[surfinpure]

Melissa, you are dead on target. “Happiness” has come to mean “selfishness” in our culture. It means “doing it my way.” This is what happens when we stop seeing marriage as the vocation it is and start thinking of it as an enjoyable thing to do. Where would the Church be if every priest and nun walked out the moment they no longer felt “happy” about their vocations?

 

[Loren_1of6]

Melissa, I hear what you’re saying. It seems as if we are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us we should change anything in our lives that doesn’t make us happy. We are told that we deserve better than the status quo. That getting the “new and improved” version is going to fulfill our lives.

There is definitely a difference between something that doesn’t make us happy and something that causes us pain. And even if there is pain, we as Catholics know that there is merit in suffering.

When people say that they don’t deserve to be treated this way, I want to tell them that as sinners we actually deserve far worse. Of course, as children of God we definitely deserve so much more. So the question should always come back to how I think others deserve to be treated – as sinners or as children of God.

We all know that the newer version is only going to last for about two years, if we’re lucky. The current improvements will become obsolete in the face of newer research or newer friends. The excitement of the new will wear off and we are left with the same old tired arguments about change and happiness.

All the excuses generally add up to nothing.

PS I agree that sometimes change is for the better good of the people involved, it’s just that most of the time it seems to be pure selfishness.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think more than happiness which is often emotion-based, than anything else, is people are searching for peace…and contentment. Happiness tends to come and go, based on conditions of things happening in our lives. Naturally, we would ‘feel’ unhappy after a fight with our spouse, or if we lost our job. But, St Paul teaches us through Scripture, that he was content in all things…whether he had a lot or a little…it didn’t matter. He found his happiness and peace through Christ.

That is most likely what is missing when someone says…‘I’m just not happy with so and so.’ All too often, that person divorces in search of happiness with another, only to come to find out that the God shaped hole within their heart can only be filled with a relationship with Christ. So it goes…they keep searching and searching…and then perhaps they hit rock bottom…realizing that the first marriage was pretty good, and they wished they’d stayed.

This is an important thread–thanks for posting it! I hope that those who are on the fence within their own marriages, learn from it. Happiness is found with a relationship with Christ–if we don’t have one, or we are waivering in it–it will often reflect itself in our marriages–or other relationships we have on earth.

I can relate. I almost left my marriage years ago, because I said those exact words…‘I’m just not happy in this.’ But, after a separation with my dh, and lots of prayer…surrendering my pride, and letting God in…I realized that it wasn’t my husband or my marriage at all that needed healing or fixing…it was me. I am grateful my husband didn’t call it quits…many men might have. It’s so important to get yourself right with God, because that is the most important relationship we’ll ever have…if we are struggling with our faith…or thinking that happiness is something outside of our faith and ourselves…we’ll truly never be…‘happy.’

 

[puzzleannie]

Where is it written that we are all supposed to be happy? I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people decide to get a divorce simply b/c they aren’t happy anymore.

well my only reaction when I hear such comments or of such decisions, is from Mother Teresa, who said it is not required that we be happy, satisfied, or fulfilled, it is necessary only that we be faithful. I am guessing when the situation is marriage, fidelity is the problem

 

[udoc89]

Melissa, you are dead on target. “Happiness” has come to mean “selfishness” in our culture. It means “doing it my way.” This is what happens when we stop seeing marriage as the vocation it is and start thinking of it as an enjoyable thing to do. Where would the Church be if every priest and nun walked out the moment they no longer felt “happy” about their vocations?

I wholeheartedly concur. Do people jump in and out of marriage at the drop of a hat? You betcha. A woman I teach with has been married four times (She just turned 40.) Her most recent attempt at marital bliss lasted about four months. Her reason for leaving? They weren’t happy, of course.

 

[BamaRider]

Just the times we live in. People like change. They change cars every few years, buy and sell houses, change jobs, clothes, anything and everything, and they view spouses the same way.

I was looking at a wedding party pic from 1976, my wife was 1 of 8 bridesmaids, she is one of 2 in that pic still married, count the bride and it is 2 out of 9.

We’ve had friends divorce after 25 years. Go figure.

I don’t have the numbers, and it is just my :twocents: but many, many couples drift into a marriage of mutal benefit.

No longer passionately in love, they are more like partners in a business. They raise the kids, pay the bills, and deal with the occassional crisis. They are mostly happy. It could better, but for sure it could be whole lot worse.

They respect and get along for the most part, and set about playing out the hand they were dealt.

My young nephew has only been married a year to his 22 year old bride. They are a joy to be around. People want to be near them, because they are so happy. I pray they never lose the feelings they have right now. Being around them reminds Debbie and I of ourselves all those years ago, and hopefully we give them a glimpse of what can lie ahead for them. Funny how God uses people.

We were all like this at onetime, do your best not to lose it.

 

[timotheos]

Where is it written that we are all supposed to be happy? I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people decide to get a divorce simply b/c they aren’t happy anymore. I just don’t remember as long as we both are happy being part of the wedding vows. Is there really anyone who is happy 100% of the time in their marriage. Most of us go through ups and downs. I just want to scream at people and tell them why do you get to leave the marriage because you are unhappy and completely destroy your kids in the process! Why is their happiness more important than their children’s? Sorry this has come up a few times recently with friends and I just had to get if out of my system! Thanks!

Good post. And since when do we assume what is best for the kids … as if we can further justify divorce because we know the kids hate the fighting so much.

Sure, as a kid I hated the constant discord. But my parent’s divorce has been a permanent wound for me, it never really heals. These memories keep me going in my marriage; just when I think I can’t give anymore, Jesus starts reminding me again what ultimate love looks like.

I surmise most engaged Catholic couples are only nominally Catholic, and if they knew what could lie ahead in a marriage and what sacrifices could be expected, the churches might be a lot quieter on Saturdays in the spring and summer.

• Tim

 

[mizznicole]

Where is it written that we are all supposed to be happy?

Other than the catechism and St. Thomas Aquinas?

Just had to throw that in there. We ARE intended for happiness. But that happiness comes through virtue. And that is certainly lost on us modern people.

 

[surfinpure]

Other than the catechism and St. Thomas Aquinas?

Just had to throw that in there. We ARE intended for happiness. But that happiness comes through virtue. And that is certainly lost on us modern people.

AHA! So where is the mixup, then? It is said that the Holy Souls in Purgatory experience both immeasurable joy and immeasurable suffering, and that the one does not lessen the other. But of course wordly happiness would have all of the joy with none of the suffering.

Holy happiness is the joy of the Cross we are privileged to bear. It is hope for salvation, with heaven as our home.

 

[Teakafrog]

It’s so important to get yourself right with God, because that is the most important relationship we’ll ever have…if we are struggling with our faith…or thinking that happiness is something outside of our faith and ourselves…we’ll truly never be…‘happy.’

This is the key, right here. So many people today are focused on Me, Me, ME, that they never think about what God might want. They don’t live their lives to glorify God, they live for worldly happiness. Their focus on what do I want, not what does God want for me. The only way to truly be happy in this lifetime is to surrender your life to God, follow Him, and live according to His will. But for most of society, that will never happen, because they refuse to let go and give up control. They think they know better than God what they need. People who do not have God at the center of their lives can never truly be happy, so they take it out on their spouses or anyone else around.
I know–I was there a few years ago. I divorced my husband because I wasn’t happy. But from the pain of the divorce came some much greater–I found God. Both my husband and I had conversion experiences. I guess once you get that low, the only way to look is up, and when you look up, God is always right there waiting for you to come home. We went to Retrouvaille and fixed our marriage, but really the marriage wasn’t the real trouble. It was us, individually, being selfish and not living for God. Once we got our priorities straight, of God first, family next, then everything else (including our our wants), we have been VERY happily married ever since. But it’s all about God, not us.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I just want to scream at people and tell them why do you get to leave the marriage because you are unhappy and completely destroy your kids in the process! Why is their happiness more important than their children’s?

I think people end their marriages over very serious issues and think a lot of it is more than just being unhappy. I’m thankful my parents FINALLY ended their marriage - but too late in my opinion. Alcoholic father, messed up mother, constant screaming, being homelss, etc… were all things we kids endured because of a terrible marriage that should have ended long before it did.

I don’t suppose we can understand all of the details of other people’s marriages. One can just hope that a marriage is not ended on a whim or superficial issue.