Did I sell out a friend to get what I want?

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Ma.Eugenia

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Hi everyone!

I am at a lost if what I did was right.

You see, a semester ago, I was told that I wasn’t able to get the clinical part of a subject in school with another major subject because according to the school, I had to follow the sequence of subjects as prescribed by my course.

Mid-semester, I found out that many of my classmates were allowed to take the subject and were surprised why I was left behind. As a consequence, I will be graduating a semester **after **them.

This hurt me a lot because I felt that the registrar was practicing unfair favoritism by allowing those with “strong connections” to have undue advantage over the others. My idea is that if they allow one student to take the subject—they might as well allow others to take it also.

Then this summer, a friend told me that ther registrar allowed him to take a subject that he wasn’t supposed to take until next year to expedite his graduation. I talked to several classmates again and they said that their friends who had finished the same subjects as me—were allowed. I know their names and the schedules that were given to them. Apparently, all they did was talk to some people in the registration who were open to a sort of “backdoor” in enrollment.

Again, when I tried to talk to the person in school my classmates talked to, I was denied, unlike the others.

The woman who held a high position in school asked me if I could name a person she allowed to take the subject out of sequence. In anger, I said the name of my friend as I know for a fact that she was the one who told him that it was ok for him to take the subject without following the normal sequence. I didn’t want to be left behind **again **academically like the first semester because of their favoritism.

Subsequently, my friend, who was already approved, was blocked from enrolling the subject.

The others who were able to pass through the loophole were lucky.

My sister, who found out that I said the guy’s name to the school official, got angry at me. She said that I was wrong to name anyone—especially because he was my friend and that the information he gave me was given to me in good faith.

My dad said that I was right to do what I did because I was put to a corner to produce a name. My dad told me that the problem was the school for having double standards and not me and I should not feel the burden of any guilt. He said that I should always fight for what is right and equal treatment.

To be honest, I am feeling bad that I have been mean in “squeeling” my friend’s name. I feel like I’ve been a really bad friend and a “user” and a “squealer”. I really feel I didn’t do the right thing (in hindsight).

What should have been the correct way to deal with my dilemma? I can imagine that if my friend learns that I betrayed him–he will really hate me. Should I have kept quiet instead?

Please help me.
 
Given what is written, I do not believe you did anything wrong.

Any guilt you may feel is misplaced.
School officials were wrong, and you are paying the price for it.
 
As wrong as the school is for having these double standards, naming a person will never get you what you want. It will only get their privileges revoked. It wasn’t wrong of you to call them on this behavior, but to not understand that this was not going to get you into the class was perhaps a bit naive. Anytime a complaint is made that some group gets something that another doesn’t get, it rarely if ever results in giving to the group that doesn’t have. It most likely results in a group getting that thing or privilege taken away. Is this wrong? Depends. Those students should not have been given the privilege in the first place because it wasn’t open to all. OTOH, I have seen folks so jealous of something some other group has that they purposely sabotage it.

I used to work in an office with 3 separate groups of workers. We all had different work hours. Our jobs were different but that didn’t stop people from complaining that this group or that one had better work hours. Did they think they were going to get the bosses to change their work hours? I think they actually thought it would work, but it didn’t. The group with the worst hours stayed the same, and the other two groups had to change to work the same hours as the first group.

Here is another example. I worked in the service dept of a company. My job was very mobile and required me to be able to travel during my work day but it also required me to work outdoors at the main facility. Now the folks that have office jobs were made to sign a statement that they would not smoke during company hours. These are sales people and people who are pretty much confined to a desk to do their work. They got mad that the people who work outdoors and travel can smoke while they are working outside or at remote locations as long as there aren’t others there. They started a petition to try to get smoking privileges. Two problems, they stated that it wasn’t fair that we (service people) were allowed to smoke (you should never compare what you have to another group that doesn’t do the same type of job). Secondly, they didn’t take into consideration that they have to deal with the public, who could be offended with the cigarette smell or that they would be away from their desks, hence their jobs. Upper management decided to make a non-smoking company. They didn’t get what they wanted, but the rest of us lost out too. Our boss was so mad about it that he told us just to walk around back of the facility to smoke at the office, and to ignore the rule completely if we were at a remote location.
 
I don’t think you did anything wrong, given how the events played out. HOWEVER - I would take this as a learning moment, and know that you need to slow down and think before you speak next time. Speaking in the heat of the moment causes us to second guess our actions after the fact. But if we just slow down and think before speaking, we can be sure of what we are saying before the words just slip out.

I’m sorry this happened - there should be no double standards for students in that way.

~Liza
 
Thank you very much for answering my post.

This morning, the school I am studying in posted an advisory that those who were able to enroll the subject out of sequence will need to drop the subject because it will not be credited.

I believe this is a direct result of my actions.

I think BlestOne was right that I was being naive if I thought that it would get me into the class. She’s right that this resulted only with the extra priveleges of others being cancelled out. Though, at that time, I was more concerned with getting the same classes some of my classmates were allowed. I was not after the cancellation of the “backdoor” enrollment as it did benefit many of my friends.

I dread how school will be next week when classes officially start. I’m sure some of my classmates will hate me.

It was really embarassing because during that time I had decided to approach to a higher official than the woman I talked to. Though, I did not mention any names to the next person I talked to, I asked if I could be allowed the priveledge of taking the subject outside the prescribed sequence that some of my classmates were allowed to do.

To my surprise, the official I talked to (who was very high in the school’s hierarchy) told me, in front of a many people, “So, you’re the person who texted me about the professor about not teaching his class most of the time!”

He was talking about this professor two semesters ago who wasn’t going to school 2/3 of the classes and was giving us major exams not on the day he announced it (Ex:He announces that it will be on Saturday, by Friday we learn right there and then that it will be on that day.).

I kept on denying it to this high official because I really, really didn’t do anything like that. For one thing, I don’t even know his cellphone number! But he kept on insisting in front of many people that I did! This was sooooo…embarassing!

In truth, I did tell my parents my concern about the professor who wasn’t go to class. That was because I found him sadistic for not teaching at all and then telling us that he planned to fail anyone who failed his exams (which he gave not on the announced examination date)! I think my parents talked to friends who knew some people in school. However, like me, my parents did not also text the high official–they’re not the type to give messages anonymously.

If anyone did–it wasn’t us!

It was so painful to be accused of something that I didn’t do in such a public manner. For one thing, I have to encounter that same professor before I graduate! You see, he was reprimaded for what he did. And now, it seems many in school thinks I squealed on this professor as well!

The high official, though, lessened his words when he qualified in a loud voice that what I did (which I didn’t do really–coz i did not text him) was commendable because he found out what wrong the professor was doing. I think the high official was issuing a warning to his employees that if they do anything wrong he will find out—because people (like me) report to him.

Though, it wasn’t true that I reported to him, I think he meant it as a warning to his employees. Somehow I feel “used”.

I was highly embarrassed as it was so public. I feel that I’ve just been publicly labelled a “squealer” in school. It really is so painful.

Because of talking to my parents, the professor who wasn’t going to class got reprimanded. Because I talked to the high officials in school, the extra priveleges of those with connections were cancelled out.

Though, these were good results. I did step on so many toes. I feel that this will make me very unpopular with many of my classmates because of the extra priveleges that was removed from them.

Part of me, feels it was right, part of me says that I did not do it the right way because I used a friend’s name.

I think Lizaanne was right in saying that I should slow down and think before speaking. I really don’t want to step on any more toes before I graduate.

Thanks everyone for helping me.
 
There’s an old expression…

Beware of toes you step on today - They may be connected to the *ss you have to kiss tomorrow…

There’s another (more important) rule as well:
CYA - Cover Your _ss

In situations like this you have to document things. Dates/times/places of conversations, phone calls, etc… Email is perfect for this. After a phone or person-to-person conversation, as soon as possible, back it up with an email, summarizing the conversation. Send it to the other party, CC yourself, and BCC your parents or a good friend.

By doing this you will have a record, seen by multiple people, and what you’ve done/said can’t come back to bite you.

You’re learning that the business world is run by people with their own agendas, or goals, or driven by their wallets. You did the right thing, but maybe in the wrong manner. Remember the “Golden Rule”??.. “Whoever’s got the gold makes the rules!”

Next time do it either anonymously, or with one or more fellow students in the same situation.
Then it’s not a “personal” thing, it’s making awareness of something that’s wrong… with backup.
 
When we were grieving our taxes we went down to town hall and looked at the assessors records of all our neighbors. We saw that a couple of the houses that were taxed lower than us had pretty big errors . We did not use those houses in our case . It wouldn’t have been right in friendship. Instead we got other fair housing comparisons to prove our case. You don’t have to always offer up all the information you know.

So in my opinion , you did something wrong.

A spiritual work of mercy we can all try to remember -
Bear Wrongs Patiently.
This doesn’t mean we can’t try to reason with someone. We just don’t offer someone else up as a sacrificial lamb.
 
originally posted by BlestOne
Our boss was so mad about it that he told us just to walk around back of the facility to smoke at the office, and to ignore the rule completely if we were at a remote location.
Click to expand...
My son worked at a “no smoking” company. He told me about one worker who got fired for smoking in his car after work. Apparently he was on their property. He had been told when hired that he couldn’t smoke on the property so he had no recourse to legal action.Often insurances will give a reduction for a no smoking environment.
 
I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way. I did something very similar at my work place once. When the young woman got called in and asked about it, she outright lied, in front of my face. Of course the boss believed her. Lesson learned, don’t name names, it will bite you in the a-- every time.

The only thing you can do is apologise if anyone confronts you. You were in an unfair position,but… next lesson learned, life is not always fair.

(((((((Ma. Eugenia)))))) I hope things aren’t too bad on Monday.

Kim
 
Thank you very much for your replies.

I went to school today–and the guy went out of his way to greet me. I don’t think he knows just yet. I think he was a bit curious why I wasn’t as friendly to him as I was before. I am feeling very guilty right now.

I realize that in wanting to be repected by others–I should do my part in respecting others also.

I am thankful to all of you for helping me see my wrong so I will learn from this.
 
I don’t think you did anything wrong; however, if I were your friend the friendship would be in serious jeapordy if you did that to me. I know I personally would fall into a serious depression if my graduation was postponed a semester and I hope your friend is a strong person who can handle the setback as a result of what you did. I hope your friend does not find out for your sake and if he does find out you are responsible you are going to have a lot of making up to do in my opinion. Think of it the othe way around. How would you feel if your friend ratted you out like that. I’m sorry for being so negative but in my opinion while you may not have been wrong you certainly were not a very good friend at that moment. Even so, I think I would have been highly likely to make the same mistake you did even though I think it was a terrible thing to do. Also, it will teach your friend and classmates as well as myself by reading this for that matter an important lesson. Don’t share information that is not supposed to be made known to everyone. Your friend and classmates should have kept the fact that they were enrolled secretly in that class to themselves at least until the class started. In fact, there have probabaly been times when I’ve received benefits for stuff in general in life and told the one condition is if anyone else finds out and complains I lose out as well as them.
 
Tell your friend immediately before too much time passes. It would be awful if he finds out from someone else. Then there may not be a way to save your friendship. Also if you wait to tell him and he finds out on his own, the trust is shot. He might think that you intentionally did this to him.

Instead go to him ask him for time to talk and tell him the whole story, including how you didn’t realise at the time, what would happen and that you felt backed into a corner and didn’t know what to do. Tell him you understand if he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore but that you hope that isn’t the case and ask him to forgive you when he’s ready.

Then see what happens, Either, he will remain your friend or he won’t. I can almost guarantee that if he finds out for himself it won’t be good at all and there is a greater chance of loosing your friendship.
 
I am hoping to try to talk to him. I will muster the courage to do this soon (hopefully).

I do realize that I hadn’t been a good friend to him.

I have been avoiding him because of guilt and I feel I don’t deserve his friendship. He’s been a good friend to me and I betrayed him.

I really am sorry for what I had done. I am hoping to save the friendship.

I need to learn from this so I will never do this again to another friend.

Thanks for helping me.
 
What you did isn’t necessarily wrong in itself but your motive for doing it is what is important.

If you took a stand against unfair practices because they were wrong, then that’s great - the world needs more people like you. If you did all of this to get the same advantage for yourself that others were getting unfairly then to me that would be wrong.

It’s not usually a good idea to name names, but it may be necessary to do so to right a serious wrong.

In my opinion, the behavior of your school officials leaves much more to be desired than does yours. Don’t let this experience discourage you from speaking out against wrongs you see, but let it be for the right motives. Remember that evil flourishes when good men (or women) do nothing. Of course, if you’re going to stand up you have to be willing to pay the price - there always is one.
 
I’m in the world of acedemia and the backdoors are usally there for a reason. I know professors who would let one student into their class when the class was filled but had just a moment denied another.

Sometimes its based on credibility of a student, not to say you’re a bad student but if the professor didn’t know you or the registra’s office didn’t often deal with you so they didn’t know you.

It also has to do with your acedemic advisor. Some will push their students through and into classes that they aren’t in sequence for.

However, I have learned that a student is soley responsible for mapping out their courses for their 2-4 years at a uni. In many ways its your own fault for not figuring this out in a timely manner. You did not investigate all the options at the beginning of the semester…thats YOUR fault and not the schools.

Alot of why one person is forced in is based on circumstances, such as wanting to graduate early, if a student comes to an advisor/register/dean/proffer with a solid plan they usually aren’t denied. Whining to get into a class is really juvenile. I go to a small uni and there are just so many seats in the classrooms and just so many classrooms in a building. There are just so many students that a proffer can take on.
 
There might be one way to reconcile and truly apologize. Tell your friend that you had no intention of hurting him or getting him and ther others removed from the class. Tell him that when you were asked to give names you thought that they were questioning your honesty and saying prove it. Therefore you thought that if you could show them that you were not lieing and that people were allowed in they would also let you in as well. Your friend will probably still be very upset but might be more understanding.
 
Thank you for your replies.
[Originally posted by **wjp984
Click to expand...
] There might be one way to reconcile and truly apologize. Tell your friend that you had no intention of hurting him or getting him and ther others removed from the class. Tell him that when you were asked to give names you thought that they were questioning your honesty and saying prove it. Therefore you thought that if you could show them that you were not lieing and that people were allowed in they would also let you in as well. Your friend will probably still be very upset but might be more understanding.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try to be as honest as possible when I get the courage to do so. I am still mustering enough courage to say something to him. For one thing, the guy’s so much taller than me and I really am not looking forward to seeing him angry.

So far, it seems, he doesn’t know yet… but…its like waiting for “water to drop from a dripping faucet”.
[Originally posted by **Meggie
Click to expand...
] However, I have learned that a student is soley responsible for mapping out their courses for their 2-4 years at a uni. In many ways its your own fault for not figuring this out in a timely manner. You did not investigate all the options at the beginning of the semester…thats YOUR fault and not the schools.

I suppose it depends on the course where prescribed sequencing can be overlooked. For example, a student may perhaps take Math 3 that is supposed to be taken in 2nd year together with English 5 which is a 3rd year subject as the former is not a pre-requisite of the latter.

The dean’s office denied my taking the subjects against the sequence (prescribed by our national education boards), when I heard that many students were able to take it through the “backdoor enrollment” at the registrar department — rightly, because it was like taking “Algebra” before taking Basic Math. One would not expect me to understand fully if I didn’t know the basic.

That is why when the owner (of the school) found out what was going on, he got angry and put a stop to this “backdoor enrollment”. It became a big issue at school.

I realize now, that the sequencing of subjects was prescribed by our local education board and should be followed strictly, moreso, because we are trying to master a healthcare course where the health and lives of people will be in our “hands” as nurses (when we graduate). The subjects that I was talking about were major Nursing subjects. It just wouldn’t do well for our patients if we do not understand our lessons correctly.
[Originally posted by **seekerz
Click to expand...
] What you did isn’t necessarily wrong in itself but your motive for doing it is what is important.

If you took a stand against unfair practices because they were wrong, then that’s great - the world needs more people like you. If you did all of this to get the same advantage for yourself that others were getting unfairly then to me that would be wrong.

I am sorry to say that my motive was wrong, as my reason for making the stand was to get the same advantage the others got—even if I knew that the “advantage” was wrong in the first place.

I realize now that over and beyond hurting my classmate by naming him—there was an issue bigger than this: Had I gotten my own way, there is a chance that I will not end up to be the “Nurse” I want to be or my patients will want me to be —all for my selfish reason of wanting to finish early and not be left behind by my other classmates.

More than the need to reconcile with my classmate, I think, I really need to take stock of what is really needed for me to be a good nurse.

I feel I let my friend down, I’ve let myself down but most important of all, I’ve let God down. I should learn to fight only if I have good reason and my motives can be justified in the eyes of God. I wasn’t fighting for right, I was fighting to have a “slice” of a wrong.

I am glad that it is now all out in the open. The school has now implemented stricter policies to make sure that everyone follows the rules.

Though, I admit, given the circumstance and my motives, that it was “no thanks” to me that good still came out of all this mess.
 
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