Did I succumb to sloth/acedia?

[EIF5A]

Things haven’t been going too well at work, and I had been weighed down by other things (e.g., constantly bombarded by sinful thoughts and self-hatred and feelings of doubt that God could love someone who is so full of evil, having to tell my parents eventually that I’m converting to Catholicism, having to tell them later that I’m gay and will be celibate for life (no grandkids)).

Yesterday and today, the Divine Mercy chaplet and the Rosary seemed so tedious. Well, they always seemed like a chore — I never prayed them because I was thrilled about them – I only prayed them because it’s better than not praying.

But this time, it was so difficult to pray them. I got distracted, had thoughts of irritation of praying, thought about how my co-workers will irritate me tomorrow, etc. I was counting down the number of Hail Mary’s I had to say. And I obviously did not meditate on any of the mysteries. Preoccupied with work.

Perhaps I should’ve just not prayed instead of praying negligently. But that’s giving up prayer. It was like a Catch-22. Giving up prayer is bad, but praying badly is also bad.

I’ve just been feeling physically tired and work-related stress makes me more prone to agitation.

(And I’ve always had a pessimistic/cynical disposition.)

Is this just a terrible combination of lack of sleep, physical tiredness, and temptation to give up spiritual matters?

I knew something was wrong, but after Googling sloth and acedia, I realized it could be more serious than I thought. So I prayed some extra prayers (a bit more diligently) — Angelus, Anima Christi, Apostle’s Creed, Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.

Not looking forward to Monday/tomorrow…

Any prayer would be appreciated…

 

[BeingSaved]

hello
not sure if im allowed to post to this, or not. Are we in the Apologist will answer section? exactly, im not sure either,…i was trying to post some questions to the Apologist myself.

I am non catholic myself,…and hey,…why do you think you have so much evil in you? is it because of what you wrote about same sex attraction, or that you are gay.

someone who is having same sex attraction is not evil because of this. As a follower of Jesus to act in this direction is sin, but you are not evil. Homosexuality it is not the way
God intended, according to the Bible, but this does not mean you are evil, because
your sexual compass is pointing in this direction.

there are piles of reasons why you may have come out of your fam. this way,…and I don’t know how much you participated yourself in it, however, even if you participated to the max. in going in this direction wth your sexuality,…you are still not an evil person
because of it. Sexual sin is sexual sin, and those with a heterosexual pointing compass, also have to learn to control their sexuality, and reign it in,(like a wild horse, which it can be)

Sexuality is normal, and everyone has one. Everyone has difficulty with the power and strength of it, and with making sure it is only used in the context and to include the purposed for which God intended it.

Also, regarding grandchildren,…I don’t know about the CChurch rules, all of them, but is it possible that you could adopt?

Also I am aware of groups on the Protestant side of things, through which people have changed their sexual orientation, through God, and have gone ahead into heterosexual marriages with children, and are happily functioning inside these relationships.

Also, it is possible that you may come across in life, someone else who is understanding of your situation, having one themselves, or not, and who might be willing to move forward
into a commitment of marriage with you, just as you are, or with you willing to make steps in a heterosexual relationship.

I dont’ know too much about it but know a Christian woman who is now happily married with children, but earlier in her life, went through a kind of rebellious phase, where she
worked out some anger and rebellion toward her father, by going to an extreme by getting involved in a same sex relationship. So, there are many different reasons for how you got
to this point, and sometimes people can reorient back to heterosexuality, maybe with time and some efforts.

This woman told me that she was happy in her marriage, she is Prot. but her church and her faith are the ‘more committed type’ and that she is never tempted or thinking of sex. with a female person, now, and she was candid with me, as she was about the fact that she had been in a same sex relationship.

Some of the reasons we orient to heterosexuality are because we are brought up that way our family taught us that, and the society around us taught us that too.
Sometimes just missing one of our parents, or not relating well to one of our parents, can
set the sexual compass toward same sex direction.
If you are female, and your mother wasn’t openly loving, or was withholding love, because of who she was, you may group up graving love from a woman, and orient toward that direction., and vice versa for the males.

there are lots of factors and some that effected you may be hidden right now.

Did you know that all women respond sexually to sexually arousing photos of other females,…according to Masters and Johnson, (studied human sexuality)(Scientists), and
the same for men, they all responded sexually to sexually arousing photos of other males, to a certain degree. These test subjects were a cross section of males and females who knew themselves to Not be bisexual or homosexual.

So you see, you have something very much in common with heterosexuals, and your orientation may not be all you think it is, nor as deeply seated as you think, either.

truthministry.org/

 

[BeingSaved]

ps

ps this may bother you, if you have never heard of it before, either, but,…
in the four gospels, when Jesus was healing people of physical diseases,
what he often did first, was cast our a spirit our of the person, before their bodies could be whole again. Also, " Jesus went about doing good and healing all who were being oppressed by the devil"

There are Christian churches who believe that a follower of Jesus cannot have an evil spirit bothering them, since the Holy Spirit has come to live inside us as Christians. Those Jesus ministered to in the NT did not have a born again of the Holy Spirit experience, so believers in Jesus who are born again and baptized may not have an evil spirit inside them, but still evil spirits may bother them, from the outside.

Anyway, in the bible good people had evils spirits bothering them and often people who were physically sick, first had the evil spirit that presumably brought the sickness onto them, cast away, by Jesus, and then they were physically well again.

This had no relationship to whether the person had sinned a lot or only sinned a little, in their lives, as to them being bothered by an evil spirit that made them physically sick.

So, what I am rying to say is that if you are bothered by something that is oppressing you and making you feel miserable, there is at least ‘a possibility’ that it may have some relation to an evil spirit oppressing you. (I don’t know if an evil spirit could cause a same sex desire and sexuality, or not) however, its at least a ‘possibility’ for some.
.
This is not to say that you are evil in any way, this is to say that evil spirits are evil, in every way, and I assume their repertoire can include sexual things, which are of the body,
because sickness and wellness are of the body too.

This is not to say that all people with same sex orientation are being oppressed by an evil spirit, but it is to say that some of them might be, and there are protestants and catholics
who are full of the Holy Spirit and can use the authority of the name of Jesus, and get rid
of pests like these, should you be bothered by them.

It would be worth it to find people like I describe .as part of a checklist,to see if you are being unduly influenced in this direction
from spiritual forces that are opposed to Christian people.

I know this sounds weird, however, just like God is a spirit, and He is real, so are these fallen angels that are opposed to Him, and that do not like us, because we are His.

 

[ready]

I would meet with a traditional priest if I were you. He could tell you if you are guilty of sloth or not. I am pleased that you have a strong desire to pray and still try to make the effort to pray. Apologize to God for praying so poorly and ask Him to help you with your prayer. It sounds like God is sending you a purification. So long as you are not neglecting your daily duties, are trying to cooperate with grace and are living in a state of grace this trial could be nothing more than God purifying you and testing you to see if you will remain faithful to Him. Persevere and keep praying! God bless you.

 

[Nihilist]

Things haven’t been going too well at work, and I had been weighed down by other things (e.g., constantly bombarded by sinful thoughts and self-hatred and feelings of doubt that God could love someone who is so full of evil, having to tell my parents eventually that I’m converting to Catholicism, having to tell them later that I’m gay and will be celibate for life (no grandkids)).

…

Let me give you some advice- if you are going to be celibate- why tell your parents that you are homosexual? Why tell them at all? It will just cause them pain. Just stay celibate. A celibate person may have a homesexual tendency, but they are not gay.

Is a person with a murderous disposition, but who doesn’t commit murder, a murderer? No.

 

[mariagoretti58]

Do you ever try praying just from the heart- talking to Jesus as if He were a friend, talking to Him about your desire to pray and frustrations in prayer, your struggles with conversion, with your family, with homosexuality- God wants to hear all of it. He wants you to bring all your frustrations, stress, suffering to Him. He is always willing to listen to you and and wants you to come to Him, no matter what you may have done. Ask Him to let you see yourself as He sees you- a dear child of God.
The rosary, Divine Mercy, and other formal prayers aren’t the only way to pray. I myself really struggle with praying the rosary, so I don’t pray it often. I stick to shorter formal prayers, and spend most of my time in prayer simply talking to God about what’s on my mind and heart. I wouldn’t be concerned about “praying badly.” God sees your heart and recognizes your desire to pray. Fr. Philippe in Time For God says “What ensures progress in the life of prayer, what makes it fruitful, is not so much how we pray as our inner dispositions in beginning and continuing it… Our first concern should be faithfulness in praying, not the quality of our prayer. The quality will come with fidelity.”
I highly recommend that book- I think it will be a great help to you. Also, seeking out a priest/ spiritual director will really help. I will keep you in my prayers.

I’d like to share a prayer with you that I pray every day, before “talking” to God. It helps me be in the right frame of mind, and to speak to Him openly, like this prayer does:

*Jesus, You are my true friend, my only friend.
You take part in all my misfortunes; You know
how to change them into blessings.

You listen to me with the greatest kindness when
I relate my troubles to You, and You have always
balm to pour on my wounds. I find you at all times,
I find you everywhere. You never go away.

If I have to change my dwelling, I find You wherever I go.
You are never weary of listening to me. I am certain of
being beloved by You.

However miserable I may be, no one nobler or wiser or
even holier can come between You and me and deprive
me of your friendship, and death, which tears us away
from all other friends, will unite me forever to You.

All the humiliations attached to old age or to the loss of
honor will never detach You from me;
on the contrary, I shall never enjoy you more fully, and
You will never be closer to me than when everything
seems to conspire against me, to overwhelm me, to cast
me down.

You bear with all my faults with extreme patience, and
even my want of fidelity and ingratitude do not wound
You to such a degree as to make you unwilling to receive
me back when I return to You.
Jesus, grant that I may die loving You, that I may die for
the love of You. Amen.*

 

[EIF5A]

Let me give you some advice- if you are going to be celibate- why tell your parents that you are homosexual? Why tell them at all? It will just cause them pain. Just stay celibate. A celibate person may have a homesexual tendency, but they are not gay.

Is a person with a murderous disposition, but who doesn’t commit murder, a murderer? No.

They’re not Catholic (but Protestant), so the idea of celibacy is even more weird.

And frankly, I find your connection to murder more offensive. Actually, not for me-- I’m used to all sorts of misunderstandings about gay people, and I know that’s not what the Church teaches.

I worry about those who cling on and remember the words and find a reason to hate and misunderstand the Church.

 

[EIF5A]

Do you ever try praying just from the heart- talking to Jesus as if He were a friend, talking to Him about your desire to pray and frustrations in prayer, your struggles with conversion, with your family, with homosexuality- God wants to hear all of it. He wants you to bring all your frustrations, stress, suffering to Him. He is always willing to listen to you and and wants you to come to Him, no matter what you may have done. Ask Him to let you see yourself as He sees you- a dear child of God.
The rosary, Divine Mercy, and other formal prayers aren’t the only way to pray. I myself really struggle with praying the rosary, so I don’t pray it often. I stick to shorter formal prayers, and spend most of my time in prayer simply talking to God about what’s on my mind and heart. I wouldn’t be concerned about “praying badly.” God sees your heart and recognizes your desire to pray. Fr. Philippe in Time For God says “What ensures progress in the life of prayer, what makes it fruitful, is not so much how we pray as our inner dispositions in beginning and continuing it… Our first concern should be faithfulness in praying, not the quality of our prayer. The quality will come with fidelity.”
I highly recommend that book- I think it will be a great help to you. Also, seeking out a priest/ spiritual director will really help. I will keep you in my prayers.

I’d like to share a prayer with you that I pray every day, before “talking” to God. It helps me be in the right frame of mind, and to speak to Him openly, like this prayer does:

*Jesus, You are my true friend, my only friend.
You take part in all my misfortunes; You know
how to change them into blessings.

You listen to me with the greatest kindness when
I relate my troubles to You, and You have always
balm to pour on my wounds. I find you at all times,
I find you everywhere. You never go away.

If I have to change my dwelling, I find You wherever I go.
You are never weary of listening to me. I am certain of
being beloved by You.

However miserable I may be, no one nobler or wiser or
even holier can come between You and me and deprive
me of your friendship, and death, which tears us away
from all other friends, will unite me forever to You.

All the humiliations attached to old age or to the loss of
honor will never detach You from me;
on the contrary, I shall never enjoy you more fully, and
You will never be closer to me than when everything
seems to conspire against me, to overwhelm me, to cast
me down.

You bear with all my faults with extreme patience, and
even my want of fidelity and ingratitude do not wound
You to such a degree as to make you unwilling to receive
me back when I return to You.
Jesus, grant that I may die loving You, that I may die for
the love of You. Amen.*

Jesus is not my friend. He is God, and I am so wicked after so many sins. He took away from Saul because of his sins. I have committed much more evil things.

 

[EIF5A]

I would meet with a traditional priest if I were you. He could tell you if you are guilty of sloth or not. I am pleased that you have a strong desire to pray and still try to make the effort to pray. Apologize to God for praying so poorly and ask Him to help you with your prayer. It sounds like God is sending you a purification. So long as you are not neglecting your daily duties, are trying to cooperate with grace and are living in a state of grace this trial could be nothing more than God purifying you and testing you to see if you will remain faithful to Him. Persevere and keep praying! God bless you.

I don’t know any priests, let alone a traditional one.

I’ve failed after ever trial. Looking back, my stupid attempts at trying to pray seem so pointless and dumb. I’m sure the devils are laughing.

The past sins, hatred, and resentment I tried to bury — it was never gone — they were always there ready to strike again.

I even had a dream where a fallen angel told me his rebellion was the stupidest choice he made. I’m pretty sure it’s my subconscious telling me my current path of indifference and darkness is stupid, but I don’t see a way out. I will inevitably fall again.

 

[ready]

I don’t know any priests, let alone a traditional one.

I’ve failed after ever trial. Looking back, my stupid attempts at trying to pray seem so pointless and dumb. I’m sure the devils are laughing.

The past sins, hatred, and resentment I tried to bury — it was never gone — they were always there ready to strike again.

I even had a dream where a fallen angel told me his rebellion was the stupidest choice he made. I’m pretty sure it’s my subconscious telling me my current path of indifference and darkness is stupid, but I don’t see a way out. I will inevitably fall again.

I don’t see how it is possible that you could be guilty of sloth when you still make the attempt/effort to pray, as difficult as prayer has become for you. A person who is slothful neglects saying his prayers altogether because praying has become so tedious to him. A person guilty of sloth is downright lazy and not like you who make efforts to pray. None of your attempts to pray are stupid or dumb like you think they are, please believe me. You may find prayer very tedious, but remember, you still make your best attempt to pray, as bad as you think your attempt is or may be!

If you wish to PM me and let me know in what part of the country you live in, I could try to locate a traditional priest for you. I haven’t read any of your posts other than your first post, so I am not that familiar with your situation. But if you think that you are on a path of indifference and darkness then please pray your rosary daily and faithfully for light, strength and the ability to pray well and do good works for the love of God; consecrate yourself to Mary and have a devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus; read good spiritual books and do EVERYTHING possible, as painful as it may be, to please our Lord. If you still care to please our Lord – and I think that you do – you are not in total darkness and are not all that indifferent. God bless you.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I don’t know any priests, let alone a traditional one.

I’ve failed after ever trial. Looking back, my stupid attempts at trying to pray seem so pointless and dumb. I’m sure the devils are laughing.

The past sins, hatred, and resentment I tried to bury — it was never gone — they were always there ready to strike again.

I even had a dream where a fallen angel told me his rebellion was the stupidest choice he made. I’m pretty sure it’s my subconscious telling me my current path of indifference and darkness is stupid, but I don’t see a way out. I will inevitably fall again.

You’re not being tempted to sloth. You’re being tempted to self-hatred. Don’t take the bait.

You clearly desire God. But you seem to have a problem loving yourself, and being gentle with yourself. Recognize that you are stumbling your way toward the kingdom through your prayers, and pray that God might fill your heart with passion for Him. But don’t get discouraged if things remain dry.

We put one foot in front of the other, and the Lord transforms our efforts. Keep on keepin’ on!

 

[EIF5A]

With the amount and kinds of sin I have committed, and my selfish, irritable nature, I don’t see how I can ever do anything that is of any worth. What is prayer for me but empty repetitions?

Even holy ascetics survived on vegetables and the very bare necessity for penance…and yet my sins are greater and my penance is negligible.

I’ve read of various private revelations of Jesus telling about His mercies and such…I’d like to believe them, but then I only end up becoming presumptuous.

I’d like to pray the Act of Contrition with sincerity, but I always return to the same sin inevitably.

I don’t know what I did differently for temptation to be so strong, and other times, I don’t feel the draw to sin. But it always seems to be something minor that I brush off and later on, multiple things hit that I can no longer fend off.

Prayer always seems like a chore. When I did pray them regularly, it was always part of a checklist that I had to do before going to bed. (The only prayers that didn’t seem like a chore were The Angelus and the Divine Praises…but that’s because they’re short.)

When I read about people who are happy with praying or going to Mass, I just don’t get it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I would recommend you just spend some time every day with the Father, just listening. Maybe a half hour, maybe 15 minutes. Just listen. At first, listen for Him to tell you what He thinks of you. You’re His son. He isn’t concerned with your sin; he’s concerned with how wonderful you are, and how He sees His reflection in you. Even your passion for sin is just a perversion of a very good passion that you have to be filled with His love.

Take heart!