Did I take it too far?

  • Thread starter Thread starter MamaZona
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MamaZona

Guest
As usual, wishing my family a Happy Thanksgiving, via phone, went poorly.

I had a great Thanksgiving with my husband and his extended family. So, I have no idea why I felt it necessary to ring my family up. :rolleyes: I guess I was feeling an excess of all-natural holiday cheer. That natural high that comes from eating turkey, laughing with friends, and overdosing on a variety of sugary desserts.

Anyway, that evening, I called my family to wish them a happy Thanksgiving.

My mother spent the bulk of the conversation alternately complaining or crying about the way her brother and sister were treating her.

Then, I called my aunt to wish her a happy Thanksgiving. I also told her I had the pageant rehersal schedule, so, we could finalize plans for my younger son’s birthday (we were all supposed to get together for his birthday–which is coming up). She insisted that we meet at an fancy, adult, sit-down restaurant for his birthday. Also, she wanted it to be at a restaurant next to her house.

I invited her to our Christmas party, and to see my older boy sing in the church choir and to see the kids in the Christmas Pageant. (All on different days.)

She gave me the run-around. The same old “I don’t know if we can, I’ll have to check the schedule.”…Once in ditching an invite she actually said “Oh, we have bronchitis and we can’t make it two weeks from now as we’ll probably still be too sick to attend–I hope you understand.” She once ditched a charity event the kids were participating in, claiming her toilets at her other house needed immediate cleaning.

Anyhow, I told her I needed to level with her. I said, first off, turning 5 at an adult, sit-down, restaurant isn’t much fun. If we’re getting together for a 5 year old, then it should be at a venue a 5 year old would enjoy. I said, I didn’t mind finding a kid-friendly place near her apartment, but I just didn’t think it would be right to take him some place only an adult would enjoy.

Then, I said, her routine avoidance of our get-togethers and cancellations were getting to be conspicuous. I told her, if she didn’t want to be invited, she needed to tell me, because asking over and over only to be turned down or cancelled on at the last minute was getting quite frustrating.

Then she blew up on me about how busy she was and how selfish I am. She said she had sent Christmas presents for the kids “you’ve got something to put under your tree, what more do you want?”

I told her I wanted people to be present in my life and in the kids’ lives–I don’t want presents.

Then she hung up on me.

I cried for a little while after that. My dad doesn’t return my calls and I haven’t seen him in 10 years. He wrote a letter to me earlier this year–which I responded to, but he hasn’t sent anything since. My mom has emotional problems and is an off-again-on-again presence in my life.

I took the gifts she sent, that evening, to the post office marked “return to sender”. To me, it is the thought that counts. And if she doesn’t want us around and thinks all we care about are gifts, that’s not the kind of thought I want from anyone.

I guess it hurt so much because my family is never there to see anything good that goes on. They never come to the kid’s birthday parties (in fact, they loathe them…say they’re only good for gawkers and people who want free entertainment…ie our friends). They won’t come to our church to see the kids perform or do things that matter to them. They refuse to be a part of anything: kid’s sports, charitable events, etc. They just don’t want to be there and express contempt for everything we do–including the fact we’ve converted to Catholicism.

I try not to be envious, but I see those other families with loving grandparents, moms, dads, uncles, aunts all watching the kids in the Christmas pageant and some small part of me wishes that could be us.

I never had family to come and watch me at school. I never had birthday parties growing up (they just weren’t necessary–only for gawkers)…we went to adult restaurants and ate food I hated and called it my birthday present–if my birthday was recognized at all. Most of the time my mom threw a fit on my birthday because it was also Mother’s Day and she hated both occasions.

Nearing thirty, I know I should be over some of this by now, but I’m having a hard time. It is especially hard at the holidays.

I feel badly about confronting my aunt. Now we won’t be meeting up at all, but I just didn’t think it was fair to my son to make him go some place he’d be bored and miserable and then tell him it was for HIS birthday.

Did I go too far by confronting her and returning the gift?😊 :confused:
 
MamaZona said:
Did I go too far by confronting her and returning the gift?😊 :confused:
Click to expand...
Absolutely not. I think you were incredibly strong!!!

You said you had fun with your husband’s extended family. Just focus on them. We are given two families in our lives – the one we’re born into and then one we make. I would not completely put myself at the mercy of people who do not want to participate in my family functions. If you’d like, still invite them; but leave it at that. If they come, fine; if not, oh, well. The people that are there are the ones that really care about you and your family.

In the future, instead of calling, send a nice greeting card – that way they know you were thinking of them but you don’t have to put yourself in a position of making yourself miserable.
 
um. yeah I think so.
if she’s always blowing you off, then just stop inviting her. no real need to confront her on it. or you invite them and maybe they show or not. presume they won’t, be pleasantly surprised if them do.
if she is the one paying for the birthday dinner, then it’s where she wants it. period. it’s rude to demand she give what you think would be a better choice, esp over something like where to eat. if it was a dangerous toy or event, that’d be different, but it’s just a nice dinner.
why would you send the children’s gifts back? just because you have a problem with her, doesn’t mean the kids should suffer for it. seems spiteful.
**just seems like much ado over nothing to me.🤷 **
 
If you already know she has emotional problems, then why are you surprised? If she has been an on-again-off-again participant in your life, you are expecting different now?

I understand the let down and sadness you feel because they are not involved in your children’s life. I have been down that road also with in-laws that suffered emotional problems and cut us out.

But you cannot change them. You cannot wish life away and make yourself upset in the process. Sending back the gifts was a slap. Perhaps sending a gift is all they can emotionally muster some days?

Thank God for the family you have and bond with them. That is God’s blessing to you.
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
um. yeah I think so.
if she’s always blowing you off, then just stop inviting her. no real need to confront her on it. or you invite them and maybe they show or not. presume they won’t, be pleasantly surprised if them do.
if she is the one paying for the birthday dinner, then it’s where she wants it. period. it’s rude to demand she give what you think would be a better choice, esp over something like where to eat. if it was a dangerous toy or event, that’d be different, but it’s just a nice dinner.
why would you send the children’s gifts back? just because you have a problem with her, doesn’t mean the kids should suffer for it. seems spiteful.
**just seems like much ado over nothing to me.🤷 **
Click to expand...
Actually, I was going to pick up the tab. We had already agreed on that.

The kids didn’t know about the gifts. They came in the mail and our tree wasn’t up yet, so they were set aside anyway.

The kids didn’t know about them so I saw no harm in returning them. It really is the thought that counts. If she thinks that little of us, then I’d rather not have anything from her. I’d rather receive a card from someone that loves us than a stack of gifts from someone that doesn’t.
 
**If you already know she has emotional problems, then why are you surprised? If she has been an on-again-off-again participant in your life, you are expecting different now? **

Actually, I was talking about my mother having emotional problems. My aunt and uncle took me in for a while when I was younger and once tried to adopt me.

**I understand the let down and sadness you feel because they are not involved in your children’s life. I have been down that road also with in-laws that suffered emotional problems and cut us out.

But you cannot change them. You cannot wish life away and make yourself upset in the process. Sending back the gifts was a slap. Perhaps sending a gift is all they can emotionally muster some days?**

I felt like the gifts were a slap, especially with the comment about having gifts from them and, essentially, what more did we want? Gifts given in the spirit of “doing their duty” and being done w/ it/us aren’t the sort of gifts I want.

Thank God for the family you have and bond with them. That is God’s blessing to you.

Very true. I’m glad for them. I wish I hadn’t spoken to my family at all over the holiday. It would’ve been better all the way around.
 
Hmmm… well yeah, I think it was a little far to send back the gifts.

I’m speculating here (not judging)… so bare with me 😉
Are you sure their lack of participation is truly out of not WANTING to participate, or from being legitimately BUSY?
Could they possibly be feeling like you’re trying to convert them to Catholicism by inviting them over and over to the events?

My only thoughts in reading your post is that maybe you’re pushing too hard! Sounds like you invite them to A LOT - which is great - but at some point that can get overwhelming.
Are they fairly introverted people? Maybe the “big events” are intimidating? I personally don’t like doing big “kid parties” because they’re so busy and overwhelming for me. We love going to quiet sit-down restaurants for our kids’ birthdays because that’s more peaceful for us… that’s just our style. 🤷

Sometimes it helps to take into account the unique personalities of others. If they just emotionally aren’t capable of participating in events like that (the things you mentioned would be a bit overwhelming for me, personally), then maybe you should lower your expectations - keep the get-togethers more personal and quiet. Sending the gifts may have been the way she feels the most comfortable… I’d be thankful and gracious… and let her work on her own personality quirks rather than pointing them out to her face. :o
 
Did I go too far by confronting her and returning the gift?
Click to expand...
Probably so, but it felt good at the time didn’t it? What we call a knee jerk reaction. They’re really in a bad mood now.

They are probably victims of the modern era. It is easier to buy kids something then give your most valuable commodity-time. It is the great equalizer, because each of us only has 24 hours in a day.

I’d tell them, “look I’m not gonna call and invite y’all to stuff anymore, because obvious you don’t have time or wanna come, and getting out of it is making y’all fib. If you’re interested in what goes on in our lives just call me, be glad to tell ya”

In the meantime, do the things for yours that was absent from your childhood. You know it feels to be a after thought, take that experience so you can make sure it doesn’t happen to your kids, as long as y’all are there, they can deal with the absence of the others.
 
MamaZona said:
Actually, I was going to pick up the tab. We had already agreed on that.

The kids didn’t know about the gifts. They came in the mail and our tree wasn’t up yet, so they were set aside anyway.

The kids didn’t know about them so I saw no harm in returning them. It really is the thought that counts. If she thinks that little of us, then I’d rather not have anything from her. I’d rather receive a card from someone that loves us than a stack of gifts from someone that doesn’t.
Click to expand...
I think you did the right thing. It seems as though you sent the gifts back on principle, not out of spite. Still, be prepared for her to tell your children about the wonderful gifts they could have had if not for their mother’s atrocious behavior:rolleyes:

As for your son’s birthday, BIG PAT ON THE BACK to you! You know first hand how un-happy that type of party can make a 5 year old. Kudos for you putting your son above your need to have a relationship with people who are obviously not capable.

**You said you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your hubby’s extended family? That is something to be incredibly thankful for…let that grow and fill the hole in your heart caused by your own biological family.

And most of all, pray hard for those who hurt you, anger you, and make you feel unloved. They really need it. And focus on what you do have and what you can give your kids…
**
 
I’m going with Guy on this one. For years, I invited people to things for my kids and they just didn’t want to to do them. I stopped inviting, and enjoyed what we did have. Eventually, people came out of the woodwork and wanted to see them.
 
MamaZona said:
Actually, I was going to pick up the tab. We had already agreed on that.

The kids didn’t know about the gifts. They came in the mail and our tree wasn’t up yet, so they were set aside anyway.

The kids didn’t know about them so I saw no harm in returning them. It really is the thought that counts. If she thinks that little of us, then I’d rather not have anything from her. I’d rather receive a card from someone that loves us than a stack of gifts from someone that doesn’t.
Click to expand...
I agree with this and have recently BTDT with my own family members…I think you did the right thing.

I don’t think it’s overreacting or much ado about nothing, but it probably is, now that you have confronted your aunt, time to move on, and focus on the people who are willingly and gladly part of your life.

Lemme relate something that is similar…My 11 yr old daughter has the habit of coming home from school and telling me so and so said something mean to her, or rolled their eyes at her comment in class, etc. She get’s very upset about it and says “but I don’t know WHY because I didn’t do ANYTHING!”. So, she spends an awful lot of time, wondering why they aren’t nice to her, and what she may have possibly done wrong, or what she can do better to win their approval.

Meanwhile, there are 20 other kids in the class who adore her, want to be her friend, initiate interactions with her, invite her over to their houses, etc. etc.,and she’s MISSING that half of the time because she’s agonizing over why one or two people don’t like her. Or, she’s not totally ‘present’ when she is with other friends, because she’s so worried about the next time someone might be mean to her.

Your situation sounds somewhat similar. Maybe it’s time to focus more on the positive people in your life, and let others come to YOU if they really want to see you and your children, they will. This of course is always easier said than done, because naturally we want our families, especially parents, to be involved in our lives and our childrens lives, and this ideal can be hard to let go of. But, sometimes our family members just aren’t equipped for the whole loving family thing.

If all they are is interested in keeping up appearances, or how much attention they get, then they will likely be victims of your neglect no matter what you do to try to please them.:twocents:
 
I’m speculating here (not judging)… so bare with me 😉
Are you sure their lack of participation is truly out of not WANTING to participate, or from being legitimately BUSY?
Could they possibly be feeling like you’re trying to convert them to Catholicism by inviting them over and over to the events?

No, she really just doesn’t want to. She’s planned to be sick (in advance), claimed emergency toilet cleaning, said she was going to the hospital when she was going to Palm Springs for a shopping spree…etc.

I’ve invited them to our house (just her/my uncle), out to dinner at the restaurant of their choosing, birthday parties, Christmas parties, art shows, etc. I’ve even been in the area and offered to stop by without the kids. No on all fronts.

She does refer to Catholics as goody-two-shoes, but aside from that, I don’t think she’s worried about it.

We used to be close, but she’s really changed in the last few years. She’s really become hateful. She was over at my house when I got the news from the doctor that our third child was gravely ill (our ultrasound results). Her reaction was, “It’s not the end of the world. I don’t see why you’re crying. You already have two children.”

She’s kind of turned into a cold-hearted nightmare of a person. My other uncle went to live with them around that time. He’s a really awful person, too, stole thousands of dollars from me at one point.

My only thoughts in reading your post is that maybe you’re pushing too hard! Sounds like you invite them to A LOT - which is great - but at some point that can get overwhelming.
Are they fairly introverted people? Maybe the “big events” are intimidating? I personally don’t like doing big “kid parties” because they’re so busy and overwhelming for me. We love going to quiet sit-down restaurants for our kids’ birthdays because that’s more peaceful for us… that’s just our style. 🤷

I invite everyone to everything. My thought is, if I offer enough things, I’m bound to hit on something. I don’t think there is anything, though. On the birthdays, I tend to be more active. They’re only young once, so whether it is at home or out somewhere, they should spend it playing with friends. Are there times I’d rather kick back a bit? Yes, but since that’s what I like to do, I do it on my birthday. 🙂 I understand skipping the birthdays, but I invite to a little bit of everything. I don’t think I will anymore, though. 😦

Sometimes it helps to take into account the unique personalities of others. If they just emotionally aren’t capable of participating in events like that (the things you mentioned would be a bit overwhelming for me, personally), then maybe you should lower your expectations - keep the get-togethers more personal and quiet. Sending the gifts may have been the way she feels the most comfortable… I’d be thankful and gracious… and let her work on her own personality quirks rather than pointing them out to her face. :o

I’ve tried a lot of different approaches from the quiet get-together to the loud party/event. I don’t think there is a right way w/ them–other than to just part ways. I guess it is hard to articulate everything, but you have to understand, in my family of origin “stuff” and money is paramount. They’ve always been the sort that thought they could abuse people then give them money or gifts and “call it even”. It’s the way they work.

Accepting a gift from them is really more like saying “you are now free to treat me in any way you would like to”…

I felt like sending the gift back was standing up for myself and rebuking the idea that stuff is more important than a loving relationship.
 
MamaZona said:
Actually, I was going to pick up the tab. We had already agreed on that.

okay, person buying decides the locale. if she doesn’t want to eat where you are going, then she should politely decide to stay home.

The kids didn’t know about the gifts. They came in the mail and our tree wasn’t up yet, so they were set aside anyway.

whether the kids knew about the gifts isn’t the point.
they are still the ones not getting her gift
still seems spiteful to me
or at least pointless

It really is the thought that counts. If she thinks that little of us, then I’d rather not have anything from her. I’d rather receive a card from someone that loves us than a stack of gifts from someone that doesn’t.

but again, one does not get to decide what is offerred by those sending gifts
if she sends a card - fine.
if she sends a gift - fine.
the only polite thing to do is say, “thanks” and move on.
two wrong acts of the heart do not make a right.
What she sends does not determine how you act. She can think she’s “buying” you if she wants, but that doesn’t make it so.
And I’m not sure I agree that she is.
**It sounds like she’s just not interested in doing the kiddie stuff, which is completely fine, but she doesn’t mind sending a gift. Which is also fine. **
Click to expand...
**It seems to me you are demanding the relationships be on your terms or not at all. **Which is fine if you are ready to cut these folks out of your life. (And sadly sometimes that is the best thing as I know from my own toxic family.)
Not everyone cares to do the kiddie stuff. Doesn’t mean they don’t like the kids, just means they find those events annoying or that they have other things they’d rather do. Of course, YOU are into it all because they are your kids. That doesn’t obligate anyone else in the extended family to get into it too.
**It all just seems like way more drama than neccessary to me.🤷 **
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
Not everyone cares to do the kiddie stuff. Doesn’t mean they don’t like the kids, just means they find those events annoying or that they have other things they’d rather do. Of course, YOU are into it all because they are your kids. That doesn’t obligate anyone else in the extended family to get into it too.

**It all just seems like way more drama than neccessary to me.🤷 **
Click to expand...
But these relatives make excuses to not attend ANYTHING, kid related or not. They have also declined to be visited in their own home by the OP. This is about more than just their preference and whether or not they like attending child-centered events. I think she is most likely dealing with some pretty toxic people and hopefully she can figure out how to have some peace in her own life soon, for her sake and the sake of the rest of her family.
**
As for the sending back of the gifts, only she knows these people and what their likely response will be. If she felt it was the only way to get through to them, maybe it is the best decision.**
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
But these relatives make excuses to not attend ANYTHING, kid related or not. They have also declined to be visited in their own home by the OP. This is about more than just their preference and whether or not they like attending child-centered events. I think she is most likely dealing with some pretty toxic people and hopefully she can figure out how to have some peace in her own life soon, for her sake and the sake of the rest of her family.
Ah. but it sounds like she is trying to force them into being involved in her life and that’s just not going to happen. If they aren’t interested, then they aren’t interested. Sure it hurts, but she can’t change them.

As for the sending back of the gifts, only she knows these people and what their likely response will be. If she felt it was the only way to get through to them, maybe it is the best decision.

I suppose. But I can’t fathom that it’ll get through to them anything other than that she’s having a hissy fit and thus won’t let her kids have their gifts.
If money and things are how these people show affection, then that’s the only thing they are going to “get” from her behavior over this.
Click to expand...
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
**It seems to me you are demanding the relationships be on your terms or not at all. **Which is fine if you are ready to cut these folks out of your life. (And sadly sometimes that is the best thing as I know from my own toxic family.)
Not everyone cares to do the kiddie stuff. Doesn’t mean they don’t like the kids, just means they find those events annoying or that they have other things they’d rather do. Of course, YOU are into it all because they are your kids. That doesn’t obligate anyone else in the extended family to get into it too.
**It all just seems like way more drama than neccessary to me.🤷 **
Click to expand...
I don’t think you’re listening. It’s not just kiddie stuff. It’s everything. And I’m not demanding a relationship on my terms. I’m just saying either we have a relationship or we don’t. Apparently, if she’s avoiding me (and the kids) like the Black Death, then we don’t have a relationship. Sending “stuff” masks the fact that a relationship isn’t really there.

I’m saying don’t pretend. And I’m not saying I’d rather have a card. You’re just not listening at all.

I’m saying the THOUGHT counts. She obviously doesn’t like us, let alone love us, so why give gifts in the spirit of “getting someone out of your hair” or salving your conscience?

I’m saying that’s not the right spirit. If someone says, more or less, “Here, take this and shut up.” Do you still say thanks?

It may be nothing to you, but it is something to me.
 
40.png
Rob_s_Wife:
It wasn’t just the kid’s gifts, it was mine and my husband’s, too. They don’t show affection through money. They just think money and gifts make everything better. That’s not affection.

If it was done out of love, then that would be another story, but it wasn’t. I was done because it was on her to-do list, and she thinks that’s enough to shut me up and so she doesn’t have to feel guilty.

They opperate off of the premise that money and stuff are all anyone wants and that EVERYONE friends or family is out to take from everyone and not give back. People are just out there trying to find ways to gip each other out of something. It’s all one big con, the whole thing. That’s what they think. That’s why people will take abuse so long as they can get something in return for their troubles.

It’s wrong.

They may see it as a hissy fit, if that’s what they like, but I’m not going to take anything from them. If I do, I signal their assumptions about the world are correct. That all I’m after is something monetary from them.
 
MamaZona said:
I don’t think you’re listening. It’s not just kiddie stuff. It’s everything. And I’m not demanding a relationship on my terms. I’m just saying either we have a relationship or we don’t. Apparently, if she’s avoiding me (and the kids) like the Black Death, then we don’t have a relationship. Sending “stuff” masks the fact that a relationship isn’t really there.

No. There’s a relationship there, just not a close one. You are wanting a close relationship or no relationship. Which is fine. It’s highly possible she’s avoiding you like the black death because you are making relationship demands that she is uncomfortable or unwilling to meet.
I’m saying don’t pretend. And I’m not saying I’d rather have a card. You’re just not listening at all.

**No, I’m hearing you. It doesn’t sound like she’s pretending at all. Just trying to nicely say she doesn’t want to be that involved (poorly done I agree - she should just say she’s won’t be able to attend and leave it at that) **
and then you are getting bent out of shape over it. You asked what others thought, I simply stated what I think. That you went a bit over board.
I’m saying the THOUGHT counts. She obviously doesn’t like us, let alone love us, so why give gifts in the spirit of “getting someone out of your hair” or salving your conscience?

And she thought to send a gift for whatever reason. Her reason doesn’t matter.

I’m saying that’s not the right spirit. If someone says, more or less, “Here, take this and shut up.” Do you still say thanks?

Yes. You do. Because a gift is a gift because it’s a gift!
Although, I didn’t get that from what you posted. What I got was she was basicly saying is that sending gifts is really all she’s comfortable with doing right now and that you need to just accept that that is the limit of her commitment.
You want a greater relationship commitment than she is able/willing to give.

It may be nothing to you, but it is something to me.

**obviously. **
Click to expand...
MamaZona said:
It wasn’t just the kid’s gifts, it was mine and my husband’s, too. They don’t show affection through money. They just think money and gifts make everything better. That’s not affection.

No. That’s your opinion. To them, it may very well be the only way they know to think of others.
I happen to agree that it’s not affection, but sadly it IS the only way to show affection many people know how to express. To someone who has a life where money and things are the most important things to them, giving what is most important to them is simply the only way they know to show affection.
Is it sad? You bet.
But it does not neccessarily mean they don’t care at all either.

If it was done out of love, then that would be another story, but it wasn’t. I was done because it was on her to-do list, and she thinks that’s enough to shut me up and so she doesn’t have to feel guilty.

**I tend to agree with her. So it was on her “to do” list. I have a mighty hefty to do list these days. Honestly I can think of no greater sign of my affection for someone than that they be on that list. (I can think of only 3 people other than my dh and dc that are on it!) **
**Does it mean they love you more if they were more spontanious about it? I don’t think so. Why should she feel guilty? Because you want her to be more involved? Because you’d rather she commit her time to you than be happy with getting a token of her thoughts via gifts?:confused: **

They opperate off of the premise that money and stuff are all anyone wants and that EVERYONE friends or family is out to take from everyone and not give back. People are just out there trying to find ways to gip each other out of something. It’s all one big con, the whole thing. That’s what they think. That’s why people will take abuse so long as they can get something in return for their troubles.

It’s wrong.

That is wrong.
And you just validated it.
She isn’t giving you what you want, so she can keep her gifts.
You just turned something generous - a gift - into a power trip.
A better approach would have been to send a thank you card out of genuine gratitude for the gifts with regrets that you weren’t able to spend the holidays together.
They may see it as a hissy fit, if that’s what they like, but I’m not going to take anything from them. If I do, I signal their assumptions about the world are correct. That all I’m after is something monetary from them.

but you are after something from them aren’t you?
maybe not money, but still you are making demands of them and retaliating when you don’t get it.
**how does that change their perception of everyone is only out to get what they want and not give back? :confused: **
Click to expand...
 
40.png
Rob_s_Wife:
It’s not a token of her thoughts. It is a power trip, but not on my part. I sent it back to opt out of the game.

I don’t buy the “a gift is a gift because it’s a gift” there’s nothing good about taking something sent by a hateful person for a hateful reason.

If a bunch of teenage boys go downtown to the poorer side and throw pennies at the homeless, I suppose, in your view, the homeless should be gracious and pick up the pennies with a kindly “thank you”?

Okay, I’m offering to spend time with and give attention and somhow that’s taking and being demanding?

Look, I’ve been completely rejected by my family of origin this holiday and every holiday since the day I was born. Asking to share love and time with others is somehow making me that bad person in all of this to you? Well, then, I don’t often say this, but you’re one messed up person.

I asked for opinions, but I didn’t ask for some mean-spirited woman to heap more hurt on me via a message board.
 
I’m going to give a qualified “yes” to the question, “did I take it too far?”

I don’t want it to sound as if you don’t have every right to feel exactly as you do, but it seems the whole family is in this pattern of not being emotionally available to you, your children, and probably everyone else on the planet. Sadly, this is probably how they were raised, how they are, and how they always will be. Not only can’t you change them, you can’t even get them to understand why you feel the way you do.

You are hurt because you have expectations of them that they can never meet. Your expectations certainly aren’t high, in fact, they are very reasonable for most of the world. But they are the sky for these people. You can’t make them be what they are not. For your aunt, perhaps purchasing a gift is as much “love” as she is capable of giving. She’s the emotional equivalent of the poor woman given a penny to the temple – Jesus appreciated not the “amount” but that she gave from her want, not from her excess. That’s very sad – for her and for you.

Maybe what is best for you is just cut bait and run – go out and make your own family emotionally healthy and widen the circle of how you define “family.” Maybe what is best for you is to issue invitations without any expectations of someone showing up. And, maybe what is best for you is doing exactly what you did.

But don’t expect your family to change. :hug1:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top