Did your spouse decide when you'd have kids?

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Kristie

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My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. I’ve wanted kids from the very beginning, but he “wasn’t ready” (If I hear that one more time, I’m going to puke). At first he said we shouldn’t have kids because we were still young, were living in a studio apartment, just got married, were still adjusting to married life, didn’t have a house yet, didn’t have enough money, blah, blah, blah. Now, two and a half years later, we have a house and our business is established and doing well. Then DH said he wants us to go on “one last trip together” before having kids…in fact he says we can start trying on our trip to Europe this month. We use NFP (Creighton model) and from the looks of my chart, I think we may still be at home during my fertile period. I asked DH today if we could still start trying if I’m fertile while we’re still at home, and he says no because he doesn’t want me to be sick during our trip. What DOES make me sick are all of his stupid excuses and the fact that HE determines when/whether we have sex and when/whether we’ll start trying to conceive. Has anyone else dealt with this? I really love my husband, but how can this man have & maintain such a monopoly on this decision? I’m so sick of him having the only say. Please help. Your prayers and advice are appreciated!
 
We never really decided…they just popped up whenever they felt like it! Of course, we weren’t trying to avoid pregnancy, either, so I can’t say we were in your situation.
If you are ready, and your husband isn’t, I’d think very carefully about making him a father before he’s ready. However, he sounds as though it might be a long time! Ask him what he’'s afraid of: loss of freedom, possibly…? If that’s it, tell him that we dragged our kids all over the world and got to see everything (and we had four!); it was a blast!👍
 
We waited to get married until we decided we were ready to have a family and be open to life, so we never had to struggle with this. This was something we decided together.
 
This, and all important decisions, should be made by all three of you - God and both spouses.

Perhaps during your time in Europe, you could make a retreat or pilgrimage, get the spiritual side of the marriage a boost?

Retrouvaille might also be a good idea.
 
*No, we both decided, and thankfully, we were in sync with the timing. Our son was a surprise, we were not trying to conceive, but we were not abstaining either. I am sorry that your husband has been rather controlling from the sounds of it, with regards to this. I would not let it go anymore…no more sweeping your feelings about it under the rug…you both need to really sit down and have a heart to heart, and he needs to know that this is hurting you. Barring doing that, you’ll continue down this same path, and you will continue to grow resentful of this. I don’t blame you for feeling badly…it sounds like when he says no about this, then that’s the end of the discussion. Marriage is a two way street, and compromises need to take place on both parts. I will hold you in my prayers. I hope that your husband will soften his control over the situation, and trust in God’s plan. It definitely sounds like he is concerned with losing his freedom…‘let’s take one more big trip,’ etc…it is not abnormal for couples to get a little anxious over the thought of losing their freedom/flexibility, their “free” days with each other, where they can come and go, travel and make decisions that only affect them. I think that is where your husband is at with it all…but he needs to let it go…you are his wife, and you’re hurting over this. I pray that things smooth out soon, and that you both can start trying to conceive soon! ❤️

God bless.*
 
I agree with what’s been said, I really think you need to talk about it. Find out why he really feels like you guys need to wait. Is it really that he’s afraid you’ll be sick, or is there a deeper reason?

As has been said on here many times, many times there’s not really a perfect time, something always comes up, so if you were waiting for a perfect time, it may really never come. I think you should pray about it and talk with your husband and open up the communication lines.

Of course going to religious places while in Europe and praying about it sounds like a great idea too!
 
No, it’s a decision we’ve made together. We can’t have biological children, so that part isn’t an issue. We were racing headlong down the foster care/adoption path, when DH wanted to slow things down. Not stop the process, just take some time for us to evaluate our lives. We had a huge fight, made up, and are now quite happy in our decision. While I think that had we fostered and/or adopted sooner, we would love our kiddos, but I think God meant for us to wait. I’m going to school for a career change, something that will make us more financially stable. After I’m done, in the next couple of years, we’re going to get relicensed as foster parents.

I agree with Kage_ar, that something like Retrouvaille might be a good idea. This isn’t a decision that you or your husband should be making separately; it’s a joint decision with God in the middle.
 
Kristie said:
My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. I’ve wanted kids from the very beginning, but he “wasn’t ready” (If I hear that one more time, I’m going to puke). At first he said we shouldn’t have kids because we were still young, were living in a studio apartment, just got married, were still adjusting to married life, didn’t have a house yet, didn’t have enough money, blah, blah, blah. Now, two and a half years later, we have a house and our business is established and doing well. Then DH said he wants us to go on “one last trip together” before having kids…in fact he says we can start trying on our trip to Europe this month. We use NFP (Creighton model) and from the looks of my chart, I think we may still be at home during my fertile period. I asked DH today if we could still start trying if I’m fertile while we’re still at home, and he says no because he doesn’t want me to be sick during our trip. What DOES make me sick are all of his stupid excuses and the fact that HE determines when/whether we have sex and when/whether we’ll start trying to conceive. Has anyone else dealt with this? I really love my husband, but how can this man have & maintain such a monopoly on this decision? I’m so sick of him having the only say. Please help. Your prayers and advice are appreciated!
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Fortunately, my husband and I were pretty much on the same page…in fact, I think he was ready a tad sooner than I was, but I went with it. 😃 If the two of you are using NFP, then I would suggest talking to him about the purpose of NFP…if couples have GRAVE reason to avoid having children. Holding off til after vacation doesn’t really qualify as grave, does it? And you might also let him know that if you’re fertile just before your trip, there’s no way morning sickness will happen during your trip.
 
Kristie said:
My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. I’ve wanted kids from the very beginning, but he “wasn’t ready” (If I hear that one more time, I’m going to puke). …in fact he says we can start trying on our trip to Europe this month. We use NFP (Creighton model) and from the looks of my chart, I think we may still be at home during my fertile period. I asked DH today if we could still start trying if I’m fertile while we’re still at home, and he says no because he doesn’t want me to be sick during our trip. What DOES make me sick are all of his stupid excuses and the fact that HE determines when/whether we have sex and when/whether we’ll start trying to conceive. Has anyone else dealt with this? I really love my husband, but how can this man have & maintain such a monopoly on this decision? I’m so sick of him having the only say. Please help. Your prayers and advice are appreciated!
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Hi Kristie,

I want to offer you my sympathy. I have not been in your exact situation, but my husband and I have not always agreed on these matters either. We live in a culture where the spouse who doesn’t want to try for a child usually gets his or her way. I personally don’t think this is right. As others have said, this is an important decision that you need to decide together with God in prayer, but you don’t consent to postpone then he’s denying you your “marital rights”. (I know, strong language.) NFP is only approved by the Church for a “just reason”. What constitutes a just/serious/grave matter is not defined by the Church but it is a matter left between the spouses and God. If you aren’t in agreement about this matter and there’s no life-or-death circumstance, I don’t think it is right for him to withold the marriage act from you whenever you are fertile. That’s my :twocents:

All that said, he’s agreed to try soon. You’ve held out this long so be patient and enjoy your trip together. Prayers for you that this resolves soon.
 
We are both 26. We’ve been struggling & arguing about this for such a long time that I don’t trust him. He keeps coming up with new reasons to wait. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he said he wouldn’t have sex with me if I’m fertile before we leave for our vacation. I should be used to the disappointment by now. I’m just so angry at him. I’ve tried talking with him about this and praying and we always end up in this same deadlock. I don’t think he understands that we’re supposed to abstain for grave reasons only. He is a cradle Catholic but I don’t think he has ever experienced a true conversion and his faith is very elementary. I’ve tried to share with him my Christopher West books and other articles about being open to life but I just don’t think he understands. His family was poor when he was younger, so money could be one of his fears about children. He also has little experience with children (he is the youngest of four and never knew any extended family or had experience with younger cousins, nephews, nieces, etc.) But when I ask him why he wants to wait, he never cites these reasons. He just says he isn’t ready and has no idea when he’ll be ready. I’M SO SICK OF THIS. I don’t even want to go on vacation with him. Who knows. He will just come up with more reasons why we should wait.
 
Did you discuss having children before you two got married?

As far as what I did, we just had a baby and we have been married for 6 years. We just decided, if it happens, it happens. And it did that very month. Boy, I wasn’t prepared, lol! We weren’t ready for a long time and I don’t think we are still ready to this date even though we are beyond the 30 yr age mark.

Well, If I were your age, I would feel the same way as your husband to be honest. But, I am not you so I can’t really judge your situation because I have different feelings on it. I am sorry, I am siding with your husband on this, only because he shouldn’t be forced to have a baby if he is not ready, BUT, he does need to give you an explanation of why he wants to put it off. He does owe you that. Good luck!
 
Kristie said:
I don’t think he understands that we’re supposed to abstain for grave reasons only.
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When you speak with him, and think about this yourself, make certain you use the same term as the Catechism. The CCC says “just reason” - not “grave reasons” - big difference in the language.

I also wonder about your pre-marriage discussions. Was your husband opposed to children then?

Please, look at Retrouvaille.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm#2368

2368 A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality:
When it is a question of harmonizing married love with the responsible transmission of life, the morality of the behavior does not depend on sincere intention and evaluation of motives alone; but it must be determined by objective criteria, criteria drawn from the nature of the person and his acts, criteria that respect the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love; this is possible only if the virtue of married chastity is practiced with sincerity of heart.156
 
I agree that sometimes it’s not best to force parenthood on someone who doesn’t feel ready, but then why should she be forced to wait? It’s kind of the same idea, both aren’t fair.

And also, many feelings you have about not feeling ready or good enough do change when you have a baby. Sure, there’s struggles and things, but you do get to experience a love that you haven’t had before.

Like I said earlier, many times there’s never a perfect time, and if everyone waited for a “perfect time” no one would have any kids!
 
I would highly recommend both of you talking to your priest.

I understand you are venting here (and believe me, I understand the need to vent! I’m a venter!), but it does seem to me that you are assuming the worst of your husband----he doesn’t understand the Church’s teachings, he hasn’t had a true conversion, his faith is immature, etc, etc, etc. When you get into a habit of assuming and assigning the worst of intentions to your spouse, it generally spells disaster for a marriage. It’s a habit I would try to avoid at all costs!!

Again, speak to a good priest, perhaps even consider marriage counseling to help with communication. You don’t want to add a baby to a relationship that is already on rocky ground. Having children was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It brought myself and my husband much closer together, but through blood, sweat, and tears. I can’t imagine going through all the changes parenthood brings without having a rock solid relationship to begin with. I’m not saying that parenthood would affect you and your husband the same way, but be aware that it CAN be a very difficult phase. Perhaps this is why your husband is so hesitant to embark on the journey. I think communication between the two of you is the key to trying to come to a mutual understanding on the issue.

God bless.
 
BrokenFortress said:
I agree that sometimes it’s not best to force parenthood on someone who doesn’t feel ready, but then why should she be forced to wait? It’s kind of the same idea, both aren’t fair.
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That’s true, but if her DH becomes a parent when he doesn’t want to be one, there’s a third person who has to deal with that unfairness: the baby! After the little one is born, DH might change his mind… or he might wind up resenting baby and the loss of his “freedom.”

I agree with what other posters have said about needing better communication. There’s a lot that he isn’t telling you, and that’s an issue you must address before you bring a new life into the world. Talk with your priest, a long-married couple you know, or a counselor of some sort. It may help you guys to get an outsider’s perspective.

Good luck! I’ll pray for you!
 
lovemysix said:
I would highly recommend both of you talking to your priest.

I understand you are venting here (and believe me, I understand the need to vent! I’m a venter!), but it does seem to me that you are assuming the worst of your husband----he doesn’t understand the Church’s teachings, he hasn’t had a true conversion, his faith is immature, etc, etc, etc. When you get into a habit of assuming and assigning the worst of intentions to your spouse, it generally spells disaster for a marriage. It’s a habit I would try to avoid at all costs!!

Again, speak to a good priest, perhaps even consider marriage counseling to help with communication. You don’t want to add a baby to a relationship that is already on rocky ground. Having children was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It brought myself and my husband much closer together, but through blood, sweat, and tears. I can’t imagine going through all the changes parenthood brings without having a rock solid relationship to begin with. I’m not saying that parenthood would affect you and your husband the same way, but be aware that it CAN be a very difficult phase. Perhaps this is why your husband is so hesitant to embark on the journey. I think communication between the two of you is the key to trying to come to a mutual understanding on the issue.

God bless.
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:clapping::amen::aok:

Bravo, I completely agree. Something that worried me Kristie is in your original post you said, “I am so sick of him having the only say.” Yes, marriage is a “two-way” street, but your husband is the head of the family. Maybe your husband not feeling “ready” is a grace from God and part of a greater plan that you are not aware of.

But also- to reply to those who have said, “forcing parenthood on someone who isn’t ready” is not a good thing- but that happens everyday by the grace of God.

In other words, to me— it sounds like both you and your husband are wanting control over this situation when it would be easier to surrender control to God. (I don’t mean to be judgmental about this because I only know your situation from what you’ve posted but those are my initial feelings from what I’ve read.)
 
Stella_Matutina said:
:clapping::amen::aok:

Yes, marriage is a “two-way” street, but your husband is the head of the family. Maybe your husband not feeling “ready” is a grace from God and part of a greater plan that you are not aware of.

.)
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Eh?
A marriage is a “two way street”? I thought it was a one way street, walking together. A partnership, a place of communication, love and dying to one self in order to show love for the other. Seems like the wife here is just asked to shut up about her natural and rightful wish to have a child. Why did he marry her if he is going to postpone and postpone children. He want’s the sexual pleasure but not the kids?
Sorry, but I think that is totally not right… sounds like he should learn to communicate and she should learn to demand a clear answer.

… dear me… so every silly idea of a man can be put into the category: “he is the leader… maybe its all for the better…”
so what if he wants the family to convert to buddhism one day?.. greater plan?
 
He may just be scared. Scared of the unknown…I too was one to postpone having children. In all honesty, there was a part of me that wanted children from the moment were we married but I was scared of the overwhelming responsibility of having a child. About five years after we were married I suffered an ovarian cyst. With that, it was my husband who finally said what are we waiting for. If we keep waiting we may not be able to have children. And with that, I was finally ready to be open to life and conceived soon after.

I had a high risk pregnancy with pre-term labor and a C-section delivery complicated by toxemia. My recovery was simply terrible. Even a year later, I didn’t know if I could ever go through another pregnancy. Soon after, my MIL passed away unexpectantly, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer, and my own father was battling cancer. Sometimes you learn the blessing of life through life’s struggles and my husband came to ask me if I truly wanted our DD to be an only child. I came to realize a sibling was a gift and was open to life yet again.

Although I had some minor complications, my pregnancy and C-section delivery went much smoother the second time around. During this time I also began to learn and know my faith more. Going through the struggles and deaths of our parents and then becoming parents ourselves changes your outlook on life. Oddly enough, it was me who was open to life the third time around and DH was thrilled when we conceived a third time.

Having children truly is a blessing. Yes it is a lot of hard work and can very trying on a marital relationship, especially if that relationship is on rocky ground. It sounds like you really need to sit down with your spouse, ask some hard questions, and really listen. Repeat back to him what he is telling you and ask him why - really try to get him to explore his feelings more. For example, when he says he doesn’t want to try conceiving before your trip because he doesn’t want you to be sick during the trip ask him why he thinks this might happen or what about this is really bothering him. Ask him to help you understand a little more or a little better. Also share with him what you are hearing him tell you. He may come to understand your viewpoint too. And maybe he truly is stressed by this upcoming trip.

Keep the faith. Sometimes it is through these spirtual pains that we experience true growth.
 
Kristie,

Out of curiosity, what would your DH say if you told him tonight that you no longer want to chart your fertility signs? Would he start using condoms? Refuse you sex? Decide to risk it? I’m just thinking out loud here…
 
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