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Tosk
Guest
That seems like it would cause a really big fight and not be something you really want to try. Also, you don’t really want to lead your spouse into mortal sin.
Or, you could just chart incorrectly. nobody will ever know
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Or, you could just chart incorrectly. nobody will ever know
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dashso40
Guest
My husband wanted to wait, we got married at 26 years old…I wanted to start right away…He wanted to wait…So we waited 3 years, and we had my son…now we always wanted 4 kids or more, well, I developed a reproductive problem after 30, which many women do, your fertility decreases after 30; anyway, I had so much trouble getting pregnant after 30, it took me 8 years to have 2 more kids, i had them with fertility help…now there is no more kids in our future, my problem got worse as the years went on…I have 3 kids and it’s wonderful but it wasn’t easy…I say try to have as much kids as you can in your 20’s, talk to your priest together, it might help…
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newf
Guest
OP, your husband seems very controlling.
I think you should tell him he had his 2 1/2 yr.s of what HE wants. Now it’s YOUR turn.
I would refuse to have sex with him until he agrees to start a family.
This should start an interesting conversation with him.
You may be glad you never started a family with him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this kind of attitude??
I think you should tell him he had his 2 1/2 yr.s of what HE wants. Now it’s YOUR turn.
I would refuse to have sex with him until he agrees to start a family.
This should start an interesting conversation with him.
You may be glad you never started a family with him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this kind of attitude??
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ac_claire
Guest
I really sympathize with you, Kristie.
First, as others have already said, NFP is meant to be used by couples to space/postphone children for just reasons. Constant, ever-changing, ever-shifting excuses probably don’t qualify.
Second, procreation is the primary purpose of marriage. Your husband deciding to ignore this as well as to deny you your marital rights during your fertile times is a serious matter IMO. I don’t say all this to stoke the flames of righteous indignation, or to tear down your husband, but only to underline the fact that this qualifies as a serious problem in your marriage. My advice is do not let this go…Pray to God for wisdom and humility and aproach him about this…Ask him to be honest and to share what his issues with having children are, exactly. He probably will not want to have this conversation yet again, but I think you need to press the point. Let him know exactly how difficult this is for you, how much it’s hurting you and how concerned you are about the possible moral implications of mis-using NFP.
First, as others have already said, NFP is meant to be used by couples to space/postphone children for just reasons. Constant, ever-changing, ever-shifting excuses probably don’t qualify.
Second, procreation is the primary purpose of marriage. Your husband deciding to ignore this as well as to deny you your marital rights during your fertile times is a serious matter IMO. I don’t say all this to stoke the flames of righteous indignation, or to tear down your husband, but only to underline the fact that this qualifies as a serious problem in your marriage. My advice is do not let this go…Pray to God for wisdom and humility and aproach him about this…Ask him to be honest and to share what his issues with having children are, exactly. He probably will not want to have this conversation yet again, but I think you need to press the point. Let him know exactly how difficult this is for you, how much it’s hurting you and how concerned you are about the possible moral implications of mis-using NFP.
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nodito
Guest
I’m not suggesting that she stop charting all together, but it’s worth thinking about. I was more curious about how he would react. Right now, NFP is their default mode. He can decide to postpone having kids because she is charting. But what if she weren’t? What if NFP wasn’t a given? Certainly if she think he’ll feel pressured to contracept, that should be a consideration. But maybe he’s “Catholic enough” to realize contraception is wrong and stopping NFP will be enough to shake him up and decide to risk it rather than abstain completely.That seems like it would cause a really big fight and not be something you really want to try. Also, you don’t really want to lead your spouse into mortal sin.
Or, you could just chart incorrectly. nobody will ever know
I would not recommend charting incorrectly.
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HouseArrest
Guest
I know you’re anxious to get started but it really wouldn’t make a whole lot of difference if you started this cycle when you are home or your next cycle. That is assuming of course you won’t be put off again for another reason.
I do think it odd, though, that he’s saying he’s finally ready to give the go ahead and then puts the brakes on because he doesn’t want you to be sick for the trip. Is he worried you won’t enjoy your vacation, or is he worried it will ruin his vacation?
I do think it odd, though, that he’s saying he’s finally ready to give the go ahead and then puts the brakes on because he doesn’t want you to be sick for the trip. Is he worried you won’t enjoy your vacation, or is he worried it will ruin his vacation?
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BrokenFortress
Guest
I really don’t think the argument that he doesn’t want you to be sick on your vacation holds much weight because really, you said the vacation is this month, but you’re fertile sometime before the vacation. Which means that if you were to conceive during your fertile time, you’d only just have gotten pregnant right before the trip. Certainly not much time to start having morning sickness. Unless this trip is say a month long trip…
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Stella_Matutina
Guest
The “two way street” was referring to the give and take nature of a marriage- not necessarily the direction of purpose. But I can see where you misread that.
And I’m not saying that the husband is in the right in this situation. I’m merely saying that this problem seems to be better handled with the counsel of a priest or marriage professional and not on a public forum. She seems to have a lack of trust for his judgment (and rightfully so) but that in itself is a significant problem. They both are vying for control which is very harmful to a marriage. Both parties need to surrender.
PS- Don’t fudge your charts- a family is better built upon honesty
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Leonius
Guest
It sounds like your marriage may not be valid as your partner and possibly you also if you already knew he didn’t want children at the time of the marriage did not fulfil the necessary requirement for a valid marriage. That is that you and he “intend the words that they speak on the wedding day; that is, intend to form a permanent and faithful partnership, ]open to sexual acts that are procreative” (canon 1101)
If that is so you are not stuck with this man who has sworn false vows to you and God on the day of the wedding as your marriage was not valid, did not actually take place and you can get it annulled.
It is also a mortal sin for him to deny you your marriage rights if you are actually married, that his he cannot refuse to make love to you as his body is yours now. Is he even Catholic?
Anyway it would be better to get an annulment rather than try to force him or trick him into have children against his will as far as I am concerned though I appreciate thats easy for me to say and maybe not so easy for you to contemplate, tricking him would just cause more problems.
If that is so you are not stuck with this man who has sworn false vows to you and God on the day of the wedding as your marriage was not valid, did not actually take place and you can get it annulled.
It is also a mortal sin for him to deny you your marriage rights if you are actually married, that his he cannot refuse to make love to you as his body is yours now. Is he even Catholic?
Anyway it would be better to get an annulment rather than try to force him or trick him into have children against his will as far as I am concerned though I appreciate thats easy for me to say and maybe not so easy for you to contemplate, tricking him would just cause more problems.
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ac_claire
Guest
I agree about not being deceptive with the NFP charting. But I don’t think this is an issue of both of them vying for control so much…He is not acting like a married man IMO. And I hate to say it, but based on the evidence given here I question his committment to this marriage. Could it be that he doesn’t want to be “tied down”…? Because kids’ll tie a person down like nothing else.
I agree with Leonius. Having children is the primary purpose of marriage, and if he persists in denying her both due benevolence (sex) and children, that’s grounds for annulment.
Kristie, if I were in your situation I would give him an ultimatum.
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GraceDK
Guest
Easy boy!!!
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BrokenFortress
Guest
I don’t think I’d be pushing for an annulment anytime soon! Geez… At least work on the communication first! It could easily be he has some concerns that he’s just afraid of voicing. And besides, we’re only hearing one side of the story, so it very well could be that he has reasons for wanting to wait. Of course whether or not they’re just is another thing, but I think the first step would be to try and open the lines of communication.
And if you were to need help go to your priest!
And if you were to need help go to your priest!
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ac_claire
Guest
Nobody wants to get an annulment…but that is where this marriage might be leading, based on the facts given. I sure hope and pray that it doesn’t come to that point. I absolutely agree that communication needs to come first, and counselling from a priest of course, if he’ll submit to that.
It just sounds like Kristie and her husband have already communicated a whole lot about this issue and her husband is set in his ways. In my opinion, it’s time for a frank and honest conversation about this, and then if necessary, an ultimatum.
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Leonius
Guest
They have been working on that for nearly three years already.
Of course he has reasons for wanting to wait nobody does something without a reason, but she has clearly shown that they are not legitimate reasons for using NFP to avoid pregnancy, which means even what they are doing now is wrong and needs to stop.
Bottom line if he’s not open to procreation and wasn’t at the time of the wedding what she thought was a marriage actually never was so she should not think that she is stuck with him for better or worse, she is not.
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BrokenFortress
Guest
If her husband is just saying “No…another time” or “just wait” but isn’t really voicing his real concerns, that’s not true communication. I was talking about sitting down and having a very frank and open conversation. Of course maybe he won’t be up to that, but a one sided opinion of a matter is not what I consider communication.
If he is really Catholic, I would get a priest involved and try to work it out. Perhaps having a priest there will help open his eyes to what is involved with marriage, and that way he won’t only be hearing it from his wife.
If he is really Catholic, I would get a priest involved and try to work it out. Perhaps having a priest there will help open his eyes to what is involved with marriage, and that way he won’t only be hearing it from his wife.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Yeah, I had a marriage like that. Just check some of my posts and see how that ended.
I hear the anger and pain in your voice. And the disgust. Because what should be a joint decision by a couple has been imposed on you by him for years as if your biology and physical endurance means nothing. He is not the one who will actually have to carry the baby. The longer you wait, the older you get, the less energy you have. It’s all about his wants, needs and when he’s ready. He’s been playing a game of moving the goalposts on you. When you get back from Europe, what then? It’s time for football season and he doesn’t want to take you to the doctor if there’ s a game on?
Something tells me this isn’t the only area where he makes all the decisions and as long as you agree with him everything is “peaceful.”
Serious counselling is in order. You need to make your decisions based on facts, not dreams and the power of wishful thinking.
Good luck.
But do not “mess up your charts.” You might discover in the end that you don’t want to have this man’s children as much as you once thought.
And yes, I believe even if the means used are licit, this man is inflicting a contraceptive mentality on the marriage. He knew when he married you that you wanted children. You need to know why what YOU want never is a deciding factor in his actions about having children.
I hear the anger and pain in your voice. And the disgust. Because what should be a joint decision by a couple has been imposed on you by him for years as if your biology and physical endurance means nothing. He is not the one who will actually have to carry the baby. The longer you wait, the older you get, the less energy you have. It’s all about his wants, needs and when he’s ready. He’s been playing a game of moving the goalposts on you. When you get back from Europe, what then? It’s time for football season and he doesn’t want to take you to the doctor if there’ s a game on?
Something tells me this isn’t the only area where he makes all the decisions and as long as you agree with him everything is “peaceful.”
Serious counselling is in order. You need to make your decisions based on facts, not dreams and the power of wishful thinking.
Good luck.
But do not “mess up your charts.” You might discover in the end that you don’t want to have this man’s children as much as you once thought.
And yes, I believe even if the means used are licit, this man is inflicting a contraceptive mentality on the marriage. He knew when he married you that you wanted children. You need to know why what YOU want never is a deciding factor in his actions about having children.
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katillac1
Guest
If I may respectfully interject,
I understand the “Catholicness” of this problem and where the OP is very frustrated. I also can understand where the husband is coming from. We probably have the same mind about kids, although I’m female. The hard thing about this, as I’m sure everyone realizes, is that there is no compromising. The OP wants a major change in lifestyle and the husband is taking awhile to become ok with that idea. That does not mean he is evil or loves her any less. Just to play devil’s advocate here, put yourself in his shoes. He’s probably scared poo-less of the awesome responsibility that kids demand along with fear of the unknown of giving up life as he knows it. The OP may be ready, but BOTH have to be ready to accept parenthood, otherwise the situation post-baby becomes unfair to everyone involved, including baby. OP, instead of getting frustrated and mistrusting him, try to find out the core reason for his fear in a heart to heart discussion, either alone or with the help of a third party. As frivolous as they may seem to you, his thoughts and feelings are very very real to him. Maybe he’s trying to accept the idea but then gets cold feet. A baby is way too big a deal for you to just get angry at his fear. People can say all they want about how this could have been handled or how to get out of it via annulment, but I see that as useless discussion. The two of them are in this and in this together, and they need to try their hardest to work it out. I’m not saying that the OP’s concerns shouldn’t be listened to and discussed, they need to be! But too many times the person scared of having kids is dismissed as the selfish, controlling one when there are, most of the time, serious issues to be dealt with on their side as well.
I’m terrified of babies and pregnancy and with the possibility of engagement, could be facing the same situation. Instead of Catholics ganging up on me and telling me how evil and selfish I am all the time, I think it would be alot more helpful for people to try and understand my fear and help me handle that.
OP, maybe spend time volunteering with babies and children so he knows what makes them tick and develops confidence with them, since you stated he hasn’t had much experience being around them. Beware, it might take him a while to warm up to that! Or let him vent and lend an ear to him without judgment, then talk about ways to address those issues that make sense to him. Don’t give up on him OP, I hope no one gives up on me either!
I wish you both well.
I understand the “Catholicness” of this problem and where the OP is very frustrated. I also can understand where the husband is coming from. We probably have the same mind about kids, although I’m female. The hard thing about this, as I’m sure everyone realizes, is that there is no compromising. The OP wants a major change in lifestyle and the husband is taking awhile to become ok with that idea. That does not mean he is evil or loves her any less. Just to play devil’s advocate here, put yourself in his shoes. He’s probably scared poo-less of the awesome responsibility that kids demand along with fear of the unknown of giving up life as he knows it. The OP may be ready, but BOTH have to be ready to accept parenthood, otherwise the situation post-baby becomes unfair to everyone involved, including baby. OP, instead of getting frustrated and mistrusting him, try to find out the core reason for his fear in a heart to heart discussion, either alone or with the help of a third party. As frivolous as they may seem to you, his thoughts and feelings are very very real to him. Maybe he’s trying to accept the idea but then gets cold feet. A baby is way too big a deal for you to just get angry at his fear. People can say all they want about how this could have been handled or how to get out of it via annulment, but I see that as useless discussion. The two of them are in this and in this together, and they need to try their hardest to work it out. I’m not saying that the OP’s concerns shouldn’t be listened to and discussed, they need to be! But too many times the person scared of having kids is dismissed as the selfish, controlling one when there are, most of the time, serious issues to be dealt with on their side as well.
I’m terrified of babies and pregnancy and with the possibility of engagement, could be facing the same situation. Instead of Catholics ganging up on me and telling me how evil and selfish I am all the time, I think it would be alot more helpful for people to try and understand my fear and help me handle that.
OP, maybe spend time volunteering with babies and children so he knows what makes them tick and develops confidence with them, since you stated he hasn’t had much experience being around them. Beware, it might take him a while to warm up to that! Or let him vent and lend an ear to him without judgment, then talk about ways to address those issues that make sense to him. Don’t give up on him OP, I hope no one gives up on me either!
I wish you both well.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Good day and GOD bless…Sorry to hear about your situation, many young couples in young marriages tend to make excuses as to why not have children. If it’s not one thing it’s another. My bfs brother is 29 and still making excuses why not to have children with his wife. “I am saving money for bigger house, I want to make a nice big deck, we have so many plans before children to still go through, Oh come on we are super young we will have children soon! Calm down I am working too many hours don’t have time for this! We are going on vacation soon for 2 weeks we are partying while out there can’t do that with a baby on the way! Hello rennovations going on in the house?! Just got a new car give me a few years till it’s paid off! I love you but I am just not ready yet…”
She’s so sick of hearing it she wants a baby so badly she’s trying anything to get pregnant by him without caring about what he wants. She is Christian and he’s Catholic, but a nonpracticing Catholic. So she lies about when she’s fertile and has lied about her bc usage. All because she wants a baby. She has said she doesn’t care what he does after she’s pg as long as she has her baby…
That’s not healthy…I did that, after I got married, I wanted a baby so badly I would lie about my fertile days too, wrong and bad, but I was young and wanted a family. I didn’t care if I didn’t get to party any more, I wanted children. My exhusband then husband didn’t and caused a lot of conflicts, he hated being “tied” down with kids, he loved being my husband and having wife just no kids. It was hard getting him to come around for the children and it wasn’t until the 3rd one was born that he actually took interest in them…very disappointing…
And every time I would ask him to seek counseling with me with the priest or anyone else he would refuse so the fights would just get bigger.
The best thing I can say to you is for you to seek counseling, and have him go with you. This will help you get calm and the comfort you need to get through this and will help him open up to you and be a little more understanding and though GOD allow you both to be patient with each other. Having a baby is a huge responsibility. I am a single mom and let me tell you I feel overwhelmed. With working and kids and keeping up with a home it’s pretty rough. Sometimes I don’t even care what my house looks like, dealing with a lot of health problems I really don’t care, and other times I am up and at em making sure everything is great and perfect. And if you think that things will get better for the both of you without speaking to each other or seeking help, it’ won’t. AND you are not going to be happy getting pg without him being ready and you living like a “single mom” doing everything while he tries to stay away from home and you and the child most days and evenings…It’s painful.
So speak with him and get yourselves to see a counselor, a priest would be preferred because you are both needing spiritual guidance…I do wish you well and hope things work out. Take care.
She’s so sick of hearing it she wants a baby so badly she’s trying anything to get pregnant by him without caring about what he wants. She is Christian and he’s Catholic, but a nonpracticing Catholic. So she lies about when she’s fertile and has lied about her bc usage. All because she wants a baby. She has said she doesn’t care what he does after she’s pg as long as she has her baby…
That’s not healthy…I did that, after I got married, I wanted a baby so badly I would lie about my fertile days too, wrong and bad, but I was young and wanted a family. I didn’t care if I didn’t get to party any more, I wanted children. My exhusband then husband didn’t and caused a lot of conflicts, he hated being “tied” down with kids, he loved being my husband and having wife just no kids. It was hard getting him to come around for the children and it wasn’t until the 3rd one was born that he actually took interest in them…very disappointing…
And every time I would ask him to seek counseling with me with the priest or anyone else he would refuse so the fights would just get bigger.
The best thing I can say to you is for you to seek counseling, and have him go with you. This will help you get calm and the comfort you need to get through this and will help him open up to you and be a little more understanding and though GOD allow you both to be patient with each other. Having a baby is a huge responsibility. I am a single mom and let me tell you I feel overwhelmed. With working and kids and keeping up with a home it’s pretty rough. Sometimes I don’t even care what my house looks like, dealing with a lot of health problems I really don’t care, and other times I am up and at em making sure everything is great and perfect. And if you think that things will get better for the both of you without speaking to each other or seeking help, it’ won’t. AND you are not going to be happy getting pg without him being ready and you living like a “single mom” doing everything while he tries to stay away from home and you and the child most days and evenings…It’s painful.
So speak with him and get yourselves to see a counselor, a priest would be preferred because you are both needing spiritual guidance…I do wish you well and hope things work out. Take care.
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budgie2
Guest
Can’t you just pounce? Fiddle your charts. I don’t know, I’ve not had that experience but hopefully he’ll mature. Pray for him. Pray the rosary.
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Talevita
Guest
When my husband and I married two years ago and we both agreed that we wanted two children when we were ready. Not long ago, we sat down face-to-face and decided together that we were ready to become parents, financially, and now we own a condominium with room for a baby. Am I lucky that we agree with each other about this? Obviously it’s a huge exciting step for us, though we’re still waiting to own a house with our own yard to get that dog that my husband keeps smiling about.
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