Didn't know what to do at the store today

[Magicsilence]

So… today I took my car in to have the exhaust changed, and went into our local grocery store while walking back to pick up something to get some loose change.

While I was waiting in line, a mother with her two kids (one a baby, the other about 3) was being served by the only cashier. There was only one person in front of me.

Now, this mother had quite a bit of shopping, and as she struggled with her bags, the toddler ran over to the nearest shelf and started yanking crisp packets onto the floor, and then (after the mom had dealt with the crisps) started asking her questions (about nothing, in particular ). This seemed to happen in about 20 seconds or less.

SO, she was clearly struggling with her shopping, and trying to contain the toddler, while also keeping an eye on the baby, a line was building up behind me, and I could sense that she just wanted to finish bagging her shopping so she could go.

Normally, if I had been first in line behind her, and wearing more ‘respectable’ clothes, I would have asked if she needed any help. But, since I was second in line, and had my old scruffy clothes on just to quickly take the car into the local garage, I didn’t want her to think I was an impatient jerk who just wanted to pay for my things.

Looking back, she managed ‘ok’ without my help, but I’m not sure I did the right thing.

What would you have preferred me to do? Would you have been slightly afraid of someone in scruffy clothes suddenly offering help? I know, I know, I over-analyse things

 

[juliasmith]

You should have helped her.

 

[Chronister4673]

The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you can ask if the mom wants help. She’s always free to tell you “No, thank you.” That way you won’t have to worry over it later.

 

[the_phoenix]

Well, seeing how I may have been in scruffy clothes myself, just runnin’ down to the store don’t ya know …

~~ the phoenix

 

[sj2]

Helping is nice, but what could you really do? It would have made me even more tense if a scruffy stranger started interacting with my kids, you know? That would have been another thing to keep my eye on.

Once I was struggling to get into my accountant’s office with my infant in one hand (in one of those heavy, heavy carriers) and all my important tax information in the other. A man ran up to me as I approached the door and tried to grab my baby from my arm. I really appreciated his thoughtfulness, but there was no way I was handing my baby over to a stranger. Then he tried to grab my bag . . . . uh, with all that sensitive info?-- no way. He finally just opened the door as I dragged all my precious cargo inside. I gave him a nice thank you, because I really appreciated his attempts to help.

It sounds as if you “offered” her your patience, which was good. Where I live people love to strike up conversations with anybody, so it may have been appropriate to make a kind comment to put the mother (and the customer in between the two of you) at ease. Such as, “If you need help let us know. We’ve all been there.” Friendliness is contagious and a nice comment may have encouraged the other customer to give the mom a smile and a, “Yeah, take your time, dear.” But maybe that’s just a small Southern city type of approach.

 

[Magicsilence]

Helping is nice, but what could you really do? It would have made me even more tense if a scruffy stranger started interacting with my kids, you know? That would have been another thing to keep my eye on.

Once I was struggling to get into my accountant’s office with my infant in one hand (in one of those heavy, heavy carriers) and all my important tax information in the other. A man ran up to me as I approached the door and tried to grab my baby from my arm. I really appreciated his thoughtfulness, but there was no way I was handing my baby over to a stranger. Then he tried to grab my bag . . . . uh, with all that sensitive info?-- no way. He finally just opened the door as I dragged all my precious cargo inside. I gave him a nice thank you, because I really appreciated his attempts to help.

It sounds as if you “offered” her your patience, which was good. Where I live people love to strike up conversations with anybody, so it may have been appropriate to make a kind comment to put the mother (and the customer in between the two of you) at ease. Such as, “If you need help let us know. We’ve all been there.” Friendliness is contagious and a nice comment may have encouraged the other customer to give the mom a smile and a, “Yeah, take your time, dear.” But maybe that’s just a small Southern city type of approach.

Hmm, this is exactly what was crossing my mind at the store. And, yeah, I live in a London suburb, so there isn’t much small city friendliness going on around here.

Moreover, the guy in front of me was about 6 metres away from the checkout (strange store layout), and I was a metre or so behind him, so I would have had to sort of come round him, and then go up to this mother, and then ask if she wanted help, and then, sort of squeeze round her and her baby to reach her shopping, and then start reaching over her because the checkouts at this store are oddly designed. In short, it might have created more of a scene for her, and I didn’t want to put more pressure on her, but my heart was saying ‘go ask if she needs help’.

And, I’m glad you think the scruffiness is impt, because, when I’ve got my work / Mass clothes on (suit etc…) (99% of the time), I feel like people wouldn’t mind if I handled their goods, or was near their children. But if a young scruffy man asked me if I needed help, I would refuse even if I did need help, just cause I’d be afraid of bad intentions.

The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you can ask if the mom wants help. She’s always free to tell you “No, thank you.” That way you won’t have to worry over it later.

Yeah, I know, but as above, I felt it would be tantamount to saying ‘lady, I’m so fed up with you being slow, let me help so I can just pay for my own stuff already ’. I know appearances mean nothing to God, but people do have to be wary of others with regard to their children, KWIM?

You should have helped her.

No reservations? Maybe I should have said that I have a big… ‘frame’ , and with my scruffy clothes, and a beard that hasn’t been shaved for a few days, I can look a little intimidating, even if the Brown scapular is hanging from my neck.

Well, seeing how I may have been in scruffy clothes myself, just runnin’ down to the store don’t ya know …

~~ the phoenix

LOL, yeah, come to think of it she was a ‘little’ scruffy looking (totally understandable though). They were really a beautiful little family, I just didn’t want to freak her out

 

[Nickkname]

So… today I took my car in to have the exhaust changed, and went into our local grocery store while walking back to pick up something to get some loose change.

While I was waiting in line, a mother with her two kids (one a baby, the other about 3) was being served by the only cashier. There was only one person in front of me.

Now, this mother had quite a bit of shopping, and as she struggled with her bags, the toddler ran over to the nearest shelf and started yanking crisp packets onto the floor, and then (after the mom had dealt with the crisps) started asking her questions (about nothing, in particular ). This seemed to happen in about 20 seconds or less.

SO, she was clearly struggling with her shopping, and trying to contain the toddler, while also keeping an eye on the baby, a line was building up behind me, and I could sense that she just wanted to finish bagging her shopping so she could go.

Normally, if I had been first in line behind her, and wearing more ‘respectable’ clothes, I would have asked if she needed any help. But, since I was second in line, and had my old scruffy clothes on just to quickly take the car into the local garage, I didn’t want her to think I was an impatient jerk who just wanted to pay for my things.

Looking back, she managed ‘ok’ without my help, but I’m not sure I did the right thing.

What would you have preferred me to do? Would you have been slightly afraid of someone in scruffy clothes suddenly offering help? I know, I know, I over-analyse things

Nope, not afraid. I’m sure Jesus wore scruffy clothes

 

[moen]

Boy, I remember something that happened when my oldest (painfully shy) was a toddler…he cried when strangers glanced at him! Anway in the grocery line a man who looked homeless, very hairy-stinky-dirty-missing teeth, etc. smiled at him. My son literally tried to jump into his arms. I was flabbergasted, trying to contain him. AT first I was disgusted, then I was stunned by what maybe was happening…I think kids sometimes respond soul-to-soul…this man had NO fakery. He was who he was, with nothing hiding. This man smiled from what seemed a complete honest heart, and my distrustful baby responded to this purity…amazing, huh?
I walked away changed after that, in terms of fear of that kind of thing.

 

[Lorik]

As a mom with little ones myself I would say don’t help. If I was having a hard time w/ my kids I would feel like the situation would be magnified if a stranger started helping and feel even more awkward. However, it is always nice to hear someone say that I have a beautiful family. That way you can let her know that you don’t mind the disruption (in the future).
By the way, what’s a crisp?

 

[allaussie]

I think the most non threatening way may have been if you could distract the toddler by talking to them, physical contact might be seen as threatening, but just talking in a friendly way from a few metres away would be hard to object to. At least that way she’s got one less thing to worry about.

P.S. Lorik, Crisps is the English term for what Americans call Chips and French Fries are Chips (confusingly enough in Australia both are called Chips and if it’s not clear from the context you have to specify hot or cold )

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I would not be comfortable with a man, no matter how he was dressed, offering to physically help me, especially with my child present.

If another customer wanted to help me, I would prefer if they did it through the store. Like “hi, miss nice cashier, can you get someone to help this nice lady with her bags? looks like she has her hands full”. Said with a smile.

I’m sorry but with all of the pedophiles and other bad people out there, comments from strange men on my beautiful child make me uneasy. I definitely react charitably but it sets off alarm bells in my head.

My hubby is a very helpful person by nature and sometimes he rushes in to help without considering that he may scare someone (a female). Men don’t grow up with that instinctual fear of strangers. Women do. So I have to remind him to think about that before just helping. He just doesn’t think that way.

So, in your situation, I think you did the right thing. Saying a little prayer for the family is also a good idea…prayer is never wasted.**

 

[Pro_Domina]

Eh you are in public already aren’t you?

If you weren’t ashamed before why now?

 

[Magicsilence]

Nope, not afraid. I’m sure Jesus wore scruffy clothes

Really? I always thought he would have been fairly respectably dressed.

Boy, I remember something that happened when my oldest (painfully shy) was a toddler…he cried when strangers glanced at him! Anway in the grocery line a man who looked homeless, very hairy-stinky-dirty-missing teeth, etc. smiled at him. My son literally tried to jump into his arms. I was flabbergasted, trying to contain him. AT first I was disgusted, then I was stunned by what maybe was happening…I think kids sometimes respond soul-to-soul…this man had NO fakery. He was who he was, with nothing hiding. This man smiled from what seemed a complete honest heart, and my distrustful baby responded to this purity…amazing, huh?
I walked away changed after that, in terms of fear of that kind of thing.

Yes, it reminds me of the story where an angel is disguised as a poor person, and it is just God’s way of seeing how you react to them. It looks like your little one was just responding to kindness in innocence :angel1:

As a mom with little ones myself I would say don’t help. If I was having a hard time w/ my kids I would feel like the situation would be magnified if a stranger started helping and feel even more awkward. However, it is always nice to hear someone say that I have a beautiful family. That way you can let her know that you don’t mind the disruption (in the future).
By the way, what’s a crisp?

Crisp is what we call potato chips over in England. And yes!, strangely enough the fact that there were so many people in the queue made it more embarrassing for her should I ask, yet because of that situation she needed the help all the more.

I would have loved to say ‘you have a really beautiful family’, but I would be scared she might think I had bad intentions

I think the most non threatening way may have been if you could distract the toddler by talking to them, physical contact might be seen as threatening, but just talking in a friendly way from a few metres away would be hard to object to. At least that way she’s got one less thing to worry about.

P.S. Lorik, Crisps is the English term for what Americans call Chips and French Fries are Chips (confusingly enough in Australia both are called Chips and if it’s not clear from the context you have to specify hot or cold )

Hmm, I see you on this one, and if I were A) female and B) with child I can see how she probably wouldn’t have minded. But even I would have freaked out if a young man just started talking to my child for no obvious reason.

Eh you are in public already aren’t you?

If you weren’t ashamed before why now?

I’m not ashamed, per se, I just don’t want to intimidate or make the other person feel anxious. London is full of weird people, and you can’t tell by the way they look or dress , so I respect mothers here (and those everywhere else in the world) who would want someone to just stay away, no matter the trouble they were in.

 

[moen]

If we are to “love tenderly” and especially in a public place we can’t even feel like we can be kind to someone who is “scruffy”------what kind of people have we become? Just an observation, but can’t we smile at people who don’t look “just right” and at least be kind? Why are we so scared that we might be taken as vulnerable? If God isn’t big enough to allow kindness to strangers what have we become?
I remember like it was yesterday when I prayed very hard after a difficult incident. At the bus station at a big city (I guess I could have been petrified but I wasn’t, thank God), I saw a Bag Lady who looked at me, walked across the station to me and said out of the blue “Don’t worry, you’re still learning…God loves you right where you’re at.” (I think it was an angel, looking like a bag lady—yes, call me heretic, but that’s exactly what happened!) God works through people, and I have found, mostly through those who DON’T look “just right.” If you read the gospels, Jesus is very stern with those who put the outward looks of things before the inward heart. Think of the guy who had the audacity to beat his chest in church, asking for forgiveness. He was called righteous, and NOT the “perfect” Pharisees" who were worried about the 1/4 tsp of herbs they needed to sacrifice to be devout.
Yes, we live in a dangerous society, but we have an extremely BIG God.

 

[petitfleur]

I have been grateful in the past for help from a friendly stranger.,with a kind smile.
I have to say all my expieriences in London have been that people arent generally friendly toward strangers. i remember walking around London and nobody made eye contact or smiled at each other. It was so strange to me!!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

As a mom with small children who often make my trips to the grocery store frustrating and stressful, I almost always say “no thanks” to offers for help. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the kindness of the person offering, I just feel weird accepting help.

In a world where there are bad people, and in a world where germs count, I do unfortunately let appearance affect my willingness to accept help. Just the other day, at a funeral reception, a nice, clean older woman (a stranger) held my baby and walked next to me while I got my food from the buffet table. I was only willing because my dh was nearby, and we were at church, and I assumed that several people there knew who she was, even though I didn’t. If that person had been scruffy, I would’ve said no thanks, probably due to my fear of germs. Call me judgemental, but I’m very protective of my kids, and when I have to make a judgement call, I’m going to err on the side of protecting them.

Back to your situation. If I were the mom, these are the things you might have been able to do to help that wouldn’t freak me out:
-pick up the items that the toddler dropped on the floor and re-shelf them, maybe even telling her you’ll get it. (but not if you have to jump over people and yell to get her attention. then it would seem weird)
-Smiling at the toddler and saying hi, if it seemed like it would distract him enough from his shenanigans to help the mom focus on her task
-Smiling at the baby for the same reason
-Opening doors or picking up dropped sippy cups
-Offering to take her cart to the cart return once she’s got it empty (only if you’re already near her car - you don’t want to look like you’re stalking)

Really, if you’re not right next to her when it happens, it would probably be a little strange to do anything, unless of course she really looked desperate for help. Like someone else mentioned, there is always the possibility of snagging an employee to help her if it seems like she needs it and they don’t notice. Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like you weren’t in a position to be of much help. Don’t feel bad. Maybe a prayer for her and her family is the best thing you can do (after all, we don’t need to be desperate to need others to pray for us).

 

[Magicsilence]

**I would not be comfortable with a man, no matter how he was dressed, offering to physically help me, especially with my child present.

If another customer wanted to help me, I would prefer if they did it through the store. Like “hi, miss nice cashier, can you get someone to help this nice lady with her bags? looks like she has her hands full”. Said with a smile.

I’m sorry but with all of the pedophiles and other bad people out there, comments from strange men on my beautiful child make me uneasy. I definitely react charitably but it sets off alarm bells in my head.

My hubby is a very helpful person by nature and sometimes he rushes in to help without considering that he may scare someone (a female). Men don’t grow up with that instinctual fear of strangers. Women do. So I have to remind him to think about that before just helping. He just doesn’t think that way.

So, in your situation, I think you did the right thing. Saying a little prayer for the family is also a good idea…prayer is never wasted.**

I’m glad you posted this Malia, because it was my gut feeling all along. In fact, it is the main reason that I never say anything to any mother about her child, and why even if I see the cutest little kid, I don’t look at them or do ‘cutesy’ stuff with them. Not my position to do so, and it might be wrongly interpreted.

I can identify with your hubby, and with you My initial reaction is ‘what can I do’, and then I think ‘but what if they don’t want my help?’. I often think about asking some of the people at my Church if they would like a lift home in my car (after daily mass), but then decide against it incase they think I am some crazy nut who is going to attack them.

On the other hand, I think to myself, " they can always say ‘no’ ", but up till now, I haven’t asked.

The difference in the store is, my help is… ‘non-threatening’ , since we are surrounded by people, and I am just putting groceries in a bag.

I suppose, in a way, its really sad that evil people have managed to colour our perception of charity, where we start to fear it for bad real intentions.

Thanks for the post!

 

[Magicsilence]

If we are to “love tenderly” and especially in a public place we can’t even feel like we can be kind to someone who is “scruffy”------what kind of people have we become? Just an observation, but can’t we smile at people who don’t look “just right” and at least be kind? Why are we so scared that we might be taken as vulnerable? If God isn’t big enough to allow kindness to strangers what have we become?
I remember like it was yesterday when I prayed very hard after a difficult incident. At the bus station at a big city (I guess I could have been petrified but I wasn’t, thank God), I saw a Bag Lady who looked at me, walked across the station to me and said out of the blue “Don’t worry, you’re still learning…God loves you right where you’re at.” (I think it was an angel, looking like a bag lady—yes, call me heretic, but that’s exactly what happened!) God works through people, and I have found, mostly through those who DON’T look “just right.” If you read the gospels, Jesus is very stern with those who put the outward looks of things before the inward heart. Think of the guy who had the audacity to beat his chest in church, asking for forgiveness. He was called righteous, and NOT the “perfect” Pharisees" who were worried about the 1/4 tsp of herbs they needed to sacrifice to be devout.
Yes, we live in a dangerous society, but we have an extremely BIG God.

I think you misunderstood my first post. I was the one wearing scruffy clothes

I have been grateful in the past for help from a friendly stranger.,with a kind smile.
I have to say all my expieriences in London have been that people arent generally friendly toward strangers. i remember walking around London and nobody made eye contact or smiled at each other. It was so strange to me!!

This is so true! People here just ignore you, EVEN IF you say hello. Although in a huge city, you can’t say ‘hi’ to everyone you meet, but a smile here and there wouldn’t hurt. I guess its a consequence of making money/pleasure their ‘gods’.

As a mom with small children who often make my trips to the grocery store frustrating and stressful, I almost always say “no thanks” to offers for help. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the kindness of the person offering, I just feel weird accepting help.

In a world where there are bad people, and in a world where germs count, I do unfortunately let appearance affect my willingness to accept help. Just the other day, at a funeral reception, a nice, clean older woman (a stranger) held my baby and walked next to me while I got my food from the buffet table. I was only willing because my dh was nearby, and we were at church, and I assumed that several people there knew who she was, even though I didn’t. If that person had been scruffy, I would’ve said no thanks, probably due to my fear of germs. Call me judgemental, but I’m very protective of my kids, and when I have to make a judgement call, I’m going to err on the side of protecting them.

Back to your situation. If I were the mom, these are the things you might have been able to do to help that wouldn’t freak me out:
-pick up the items that the toddler dropped on the floor and re-shelf them, maybe even telling her you’ll get it. (but not if you have to jump over people and yell to get her attention. then it would seem weird)
-Smiling at the toddler and saying hi, if it seemed like it would distract him enough from his shenanigans to help the mom focus on her task
-Smiling at the baby for the same reason
-Opening doors or picking up dropped sippy cups
-Offering to take her cart to the cart return once she’s got it empty (only if you’re already near her car - you don’t want to look like you’re stalking)

Really, if you’re not right next to her when it happens, it would probably be a little strange to do anything, unless of course she really looked desperate for help. Like someone else mentioned, there is always the possibility of snagging an employee to help her if it seems like she needs it and they don’t notice. Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like you weren’t in a position to be of much help. Don’t feel bad. Maybe a prayer for her and her family is the best thing you can do (after all, we don’t need to be desperate to need others to pray for us).

Great post!

This was what I was thinking about so I am glad you raised the point about germs (although I should mention that I was clean-looking, even if the clothes were scruffy).

And, again!, I would agree/say that mothers are more willing to trust older women than men.

Good list of suggestions for help. Although I wouldn’t have wanted to make direct / verbal contact with the children, if I had been close enough I would have picked up the ‘potato chip’ packets And good call on the cart, although she decided to struggle with her bags than use one

Thankyou again!

God Bless,

 

[Rawb]

I worry about things like offering help too, but mine are especially in organizations.

For example, I volunteer to teach CCD. I am the only male teacher, and definitally the youngest (I’m 20). I worry a lot what a parent of one of my students would think about their child being taught by a 20 year old male.

My mom ran a daycare up until this month, and as I still live at home, I was around those kids a lot and even babysat many of them. Did people think it was strange that a guy was babysitting?

So I make sure to stay in public places as often as possible and avoid any situation that may later be misconstrued. In reality I’ve just always liked kids, have always been told by my family that babies and children are blessings, and have been raised around much younger children all my life so I’m very comfortable with them. I also want to be a teacher, so CCD helps with that.

But to an outsider? A 20 year old guy who’s involved in children’s ministries? That can raise a lot of eyebrows. What’s even sadder, however, is that it probably should. I’ll gladly ‘suffer’ suspicion if it keeps one kid safe.

 

[alexs18]

Some people are being afraid when they see someone in scruffy clothes. But it doesn’t matter if your intention is good. So the next time that you encounter a situation like this, don’t be hesitant to help. There’s nothing wrong with helping.