Difference between boyfriend material and marriage material

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karow said:
Good question. I didn’t start seeing anyone exclusively until I thought there was a potential for marriage at some point, but I didn’t hear wedding bells after the first date, either. If that makes any sense. 🙂 So I guess the terms are synonymous for me.

My husband and I have been talking about this topic in reference to our daughters and what we’re going to advise them in a few years when they sally forth into the World of Dating, Romance, and Relationships. (And if that isn’t one of the scariest ideas we’ve faced!) Some of the questions we’d like the girls to be able to answer as they date and, more importantly, decide to marry someone are:
  1. How do his mom and dad treat each other and act in each other’s company?
  2. How does he handle his money and finances?
  3. How punctual is he and how does he handle lateness: yours, his, and other people’s?
  4. What’s his dad like? What’s his mom like?
  5. Do either of his parents or do any of his siblings have a substance abuse/mental health issues? If so, how have they handeled it?
  6. What is his sense of futurity like?
  7. What does he read?
  8. What’s his relationship with his mom like?
  9. What’s his relationship with his dad like?
  10. How does he handle it when someone disagrees with his thoughts or ideas?
  11. What’s his sense of humor like?
  12. If he had previous girlfriends, how does to talk about them?
  13. How does he treat employees in restaurants, bars/pubs, the cinema, etc.?
  14. What are his friends like?
  15. How often does he genuinely smile and laugh?
    and
    15. What’s his faith/prayer life like?
We think it’s important for our daughters to look at these questions and start answering them when the man is Boyfriend Material and be able to answer them thoroughly and honestly as he becomes Husband Material.

In fact, we’ll probably sit our daughters down when they tells us they’re getting married and quiz them on these questions until they can answer them to our satisfaction. If they can’t do that, we’ll send her back out there to date him some more until they can. (Or better yet, we just won’t let them date at all, ever. :rotfl:)

Slightly off topic, yeah, but I hope this helps you somewhat.
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I would add, “Does he drink and if so, is there any sign of abuse or an unhealthy attitude toward alcohol? Do his parents drink? Does he think any occasion needs alcohol to celebrate?” As well as, “Any other addictions in evidence?”
 
Wow, I can imagine the outrage if the same list were to be applied to a woman.
 
If she spends more to get her nails done than for her car payments, keep looking.

[Then there are the gals who don’t have a car.]
 
chevalier said:
Wow, I can imagine the outrage if the same list were to be applied to a woman.
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Why? We only used male pronouns because we have daughters. Which of the issues on the list only apply to men, outside of the male pronoun usage, of course?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would add, “Does he drink and if so, is there any sign of abuse or an unhealthy attitude toward alcohol? Do his parents drink? Does he think any occasion needs alcohol to celebrate?” As well as, “Any other addictions in evidence?”
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#5 🙂

I guess we could expand it to include how he uses alcohol. My husband and I both drink, and their grandpa is a brewer, so they’ve been raised around alcohol.
 
karow said:
Why? We only used male pronouns because we have daughters. Which of the issues on the list only apply to men, outside of the male pronoun usage, of course?
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I am referring to a certain double standard. I’m pretty sure there’d be a lot of outrage if a man popped up with the very same list but with female pronouns.
 
chevalier said:
I am referring to a certain double standard. I’m pretty sure there’d be a lot of outrage if a man popped up with the very same list but with female pronouns.
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Maybe the less emotionally mature would have a hissy, but guys thinking about marriage should be asking the very same questions.

I dunno. Write your list, post it, and see what happens. 😃
 
chevalier said:
Wow, I can imagine the outrage if the same list were to be applied to a woman.
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Actually, it only differs by a bit:
1. How do his mom and dad treat each other and act in each other’s company?
I would add how does she interact with her parents, and in particular, what kind of relationship she has with her dad.
2. How does he handle his money and finances? Oh, my goodness, if you ignore this in a spouse, you are a total fool. Arguments over how to handle money are one of the top reasons for divorce.
3. How punctual is he and how does he handle lateness: yours, his, and other people’s? Again, it is not so much the exact quality, as it is an issue of compatibility.
4. What’s his dad like? What’s his mom like?
Actually, I would point out that you marry the entire family. These are the people you will see at every wedding, every funeral. You are wise to consider that.
5. Do either of his parents or do any of his siblings have a substance abuse/mental health issues? If so, how have they handeled it?
It is common knowledge that drug and alcohol abuse affects the entire family. Again…not a “up/down” issue, but something to use in forming your picture of what life with this person will bring to you and ask of you. How does it fit your experiences and qualities?
6. What is his sense of futurity like?
Whether a person delays gratification, when they do it, why, and how are all things that will carry over into marriage.
7. What does he read?
Tell me that you, learned person you are, do not care about this in a woman. Please.
8. What’s his relationship with his mom like?
Covered above, absolutely applicable.
9. What’s his relationship with his dad like?
Ditto.
9. How does he handle it when someone disagrees with his thoughts or ideas?
Huge. Absolutely huge. If you’ve never worked through a disagreement with someone, if someone will never tell you they disagree with you, DO NOT MARRY THEM.
10. What’s his sense of humor like?
Do your really want to play to a hard audience for your whole life? A sense of humor is one of the great pillars of a good marriage. You want to be able to share that.
11. If he had previous girlfriends, how does to talk about them?
Again: Huge. First, be aware if someone is still carrying a torch, because that is not good. Also be aware if someone is vindictive to those with whom “things have not worked out.” This could be you, some day.
12. How does he treat employees in restaurants, bars/pubs, the cinema, etc.?
A person who does not take help for granted from people they’ll never see again is far less likely to take their spouse for granted.
13. What are his friends like?
They probably aren’t going anywhere. These are her hand-picked people. If they leave the scene, she will find others to take their place. Do you want a lifetime of this?
14. How often does he genuinely smile and laugh?
Tell me you don’t care about this. Please.
and
15. What’s his faith/prayer life like?
Ditto.

This all falls in the category of accepting a person as they are, with eyes open. Your future spouse deserves to have had you look at the full package, warts and all, and to say, “For better or worse, knowing all that I know, YES!!”

Be able to give her that, too. There is no insult in that.
 
karow said:
Good question. I didn’t start seeing anyone exclusively until I thought there was a potential for marriage at some point, but I didn’t hear wedding bells after the first date, either. If that makes any sense. 🙂 So I guess the terms are synonymous for me.

My husband and I have been talking about this topic in reference to our daughters and what we’re going to advise them in a few years when they sally forth into the World of Dating, Romance, and Relationships. (And if that isn’t one of the scariest ideas we’ve faced!) Some of the questions we’d like the girls to be able to answer as they date and, more importantly, decide to marry someone are:
  1. How do his mom and dad treat each other and act in each other’s company?
  2. How does he handle his money and finances?
  3. How punctual is he and how does he handle lateness: yours, his, and other people’s?
  4. What’s his dad like? What’s his mom like?
  5. Do either of his parents or do any of his siblings have a substance abuse/mental health issues? If so, how have they handeled it?
  6. What is his sense of futurity like?
  7. What does he read?
  8. What’s his relationship with his mom like?
  9. What’s his relationship with his dad like?
  10. How does he handle it when someone disagrees with his thoughts or ideas?
  11. What’s his sense of humor like?
  12. If he had previous girlfriends, how does to talk about them?
  13. How does he treat employees in restaurants, bars/pubs, the cinema, etc.?
  14. What are his friends like?
  15. How often does he genuinely smile and laugh?
    and
    15. What’s his faith/prayer life like?
We think it’s important for our daughters to look at these questions and start answering them when the man is Boyfriend Material and be able to answer them thoroughly and honestly as he becomes Husband Material.

In fact, we’ll probably sit our daughters down when they tells us they’re getting married and quiz them on these questions until they can answer them to our satisfaction. If they can’t do that, we’ll send her back out there to date him some more until they can. (Or better yet, we just won’t let them date at all, ever. :rotfl:)

Slightly off topic, yeah, but I hope this helps you somewhat.
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Just to give some perspective, I am a woman. I think it is great that you and your husband are already talking about your daughters dating life (shows you have good communication,). However, I think your list is unfair in ways to a man (or woman if the roles were reversed)

For example, my parents would put on an act in public and everyone would think they treat each other with respect. But behind closed doors, I have seen my dad talk disrespectfully to my mom. Any man who would hold that against me frankly is a jerk

And to know how a man’s sibling or parent handles their own mental health issues has nothing to do with whether or not the said man is marriage material. If I met a man who was a good guy and took no garbage from his alcoholic brother who refused treatment, I would not hold that against a man. Men can’t control their families.

And as for his relathionships with his parents. It all depends. If one of his parents was so abusive he had no choice to cut contact with them, I would not hold that against a man. If he was a good person, I would actually admire his strenght.

Just because someone grew up in unfortunate circumstances is no reason to write them off. Anyone can turn to God and become a good person and the catch of the century

CM
 
Just remember that no one person can meet all of your needs. If you set impossibly high standards, then don’t wonder why the heck no one can fill them.

Your standards are your thing-I dont care unless I’m dating you ;), but there is nothing worse than watching someone complain about them not being able to find a partner, then listing the 2081 things their partner MUST have.
(no, not saying your doing that, just a general warning)
 
Rascalking said:
Just remember that no one person can meet all of your needs. If you set impossibly high standards, then don’t wonder why the heck no one can fill them.

Your standards are your thing-I dont care unless I’m dating you ;), but there is nothing worse than watching someone complain about them not being able to find a partner, then listing the 2081 things their partner MUST have.
(no, not saying your doing that, just a general warning)
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hhmmm so that is my problem, I have 2082. If I cut the bottom 2 out will I find Mr. marriage material?
 
Rascalking said:
LOL!

Drop it down to 2000 and your onto something!
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Oh boy, do I really have to give up

‘He puts exactly 20 grains of sugar in his coffee’

And what about ‘Always puts left sock on first except on the third Friday of the month’?
 
cmscms said:
Just because someone grew up in unfortunate circumstances is no reason to write them off. Anyone can turn to God and become a good person and the catch of the century.
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This wasn’t meant to be any kind of comprehensive must-have list. These are merely areas that either reflect our values (my husband’s and mine) or are critical to the success - or failure - of a marriage.

No one’s perfect. No family is perfect. That’s a given. But it’s critical to know someone and the kind of family they came out of, warts and all, before the wedding. And this list has questions someone thinking about marriage needs to ask and have answered or else they may be wicked surprises and disappointments down the road.

Knowledge is power and all that good stuff.
 
karow said:
1. How do his mom and dad treat each other and act in each other’s company?
2. How does he handle his money and finances?
3. How punctual is he and how does he handle lateness: yours, his, and other people’s?
4. What’s his dad like? What’s his mom like?
5. Do either of his parents or do any of his siblings have a substance abuse/mental health issues? If so, how have they handeled it?
6. What is his sense of futurity like?
7. What does he read?
8. What’s his relationship with his mom like?
9. What’s his relationship with his dad like?
9. How does he handle it when someone disagrees with his thoughts or ideas?
10. What’s his sense of humor like?
11. If he had previous girlfriends, how does to talk about them?
12. How does he treat employees in restaurants, bars/pubs, the cinema, etc.?
13. What are his friends like?
14. How often does he genuinely smile and laugh?
and
15. What’s his faith/prayer life like?
Click to expand...
The questions I’ve bolded here are the ones that are going to get me later on. My father is/was an abusive narcissist, my mom and brother ended up severely damaged emotionally as a result of this, yet they still defend my dad (in I guess something akin to Stockholm Syndrome) out of some sense of projective and misplaced guilt he has succeeded in imposing on them. I won’t derail this thread with all the horrible details but yeah… as if it’s MY fault I got born into a screwed-up family I didn’t choose. :rolleyes:

One thing I’ve noticed is most people tend to assume their family is the same as everyone else’s to some degree. They just can’t fathom that there really are people so toxic out there that the only choice you have left is to cut contact. If there’s a bad relationship with either of the parents, it’s always at least partly “your” fault, even if the person making that judgement can’t explain why and knows no other details of the situation. Much less assuming things like I have any control over “how my mom and dad treat each other”. I don’t even know where to begin with how ridiculous that is, but it seems to be the common sentiment being thrown around in modern dating advice.

I will say that I do think getting to know the family situation (or lack thereof) with a potential spouse IS very important and can provide some good insight. What I take issue with are all the common fallacies that imply people can never rise above mindless devotion to whatever family they got stuck with, be they good or bad.
 
karow said:
This wasn’t meant to be any kind of comprehensive must-have list. These are merely areas that either reflect our values (my husband’s and mine) or are critical to the success - or failure - of a marriage.

No one’s perfect. No family is perfect. That’s a given. But it’s critical to know someone and the kind of family they came out of, warts and all, before the wedding. And this list has questions someone thinking about marriage needs to ask and have answered or else they may be wicked surprises and disappointments down the road.

Knowledge is power and all that good stuff.
Click to expand...
If you are saying it is necessary to know warts and all and it is OK to proceed with marriage, then yes I agree with you

But if you are saying ‘Find out if there is any wackos in his family and hold it against him’ then that is unfair.

I am just not sure what you are saying

CM
 
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