Differences on how many kids to have when you come from a small family and marry someone from a big family?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Something you cannot know at all. You cannot predict the future. And there are many things children don’t “need” that advertisers and marketers (and the children themselves) will try to convince you are necessary. It can be as expensive to raise children as you make it.

Of course it will. Most of this post is “me me me” which is an indicator you may not be ready for marriage at all, let alone children. Because it ceases to be about you when you marry.

Well this is only a problem in your mind. You aren’t going to “rob” an older child’s childhood by giving them resonsiblity in the household. That is how you raise reasonsible, capable adults. How much older children assist is something in your control.

I suggest you get some spiritual direction because yes this is a very selfish example. And it isn’t even necessarily true. You are again throwing up barriers that may never happen.

Keep working on discernment. Get a mentor from among the fathers in your parish. Spend time with larger families.

Remember that the size of your family is a continued discernment between both you and your spouse. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.

As usual, a perfect post from 1ke.

 

[ThePCWife]

Sorry for the late response everyone. For some reason, I’m not getting notifications in my e-mail. But to answer everyone generally, the reason why I asked this is because to me personally having more than three children is scary because I don’t know where the money is going to come from to support and provide for them. Furthermore, me having more than three kids would impact my life and the lives of my oldest children - if I have any - in negative ways such as having my potential oldest kids taking care of the younger kids and therefore potentially robbing them of a childhood especially if I have kids close together. Another thing would be that I wouldn’t be able to go on as many vacations as I’d like with a larger family because of costs and such.

So this is just a small reply because I’m writing this under the gun aka I have to go to work but you guys want a more detailed answer, I can provide one later. Also, fyi I’m a dude if guys didn’t know. There’s no reason why guys can’t post in this sub-forum either.

The money will probably be hard to come by for a large family. But don’t borrow trouble. You have no idea what your future family size will be.

 

[DlandFan06]

Something you cannot know at all. You cannot predict the future. And there are many things children don’t “need” that advertisers and marketers (and the children themselves) will try to convince you are necessary. It can be as expensive to raise children as you make it.

Of course it will. Most of this post is “me me me” which is an indicator you may not be ready for marriage at all, let alone children. Because it ceases to be about you when you marry.

Well this is only a problem in your mind. You aren’t going to “rob” an older child’s childhood by giving them resonsiblity in the household. That is how you raise reasonsible, capable adults. How much older children assist is something in your control.

I suggest you get some spiritual direction because yes this is a very selfish example. And it isn’t even necessarily true. You are again throwing up barriers that may never happen.

Keep working on discernment. Get a mentor from among the fathers in your parish. Spend time with larger families.

Remember that the size of your family is a continued discernment between both you and your spouse. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.

I don’t think my post is a “me, me, me” thing. I have concerns about having a big family if I ever do have kids. Being able to travel as much as I did when I was a kid is a concern as well robbing my older children of their childhood by having some of the parental responsibilities fall on them, which is very different from chores, is another one. I’ll talk about it with my spouse if I ever get to that point.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t think my post is a “me, me, me” thing. I have concerns about having a big family if I ever do have kids. Being able to travel as much as I did when I was a kid is a concern as well robbing my older children of their childhood by having some of the parental responsibilities fall on them, which is very different from chores, is another one. I’ll talk about it with my spouse if I ever get to that point.

Have fun with nfp… it’s sooooooo awesome!!!

(Sarcasm)

 

[Allegra]

My advice is not to set a limit or goal, but to decide to be open to having children and decide as you go if you are ready to add one more. There are a whole lot of factors that are going to effect whether it is in your family’s best interest to expand at any given time. When you have no child, decide with your spouse if you are ready to have one. When you have one, decide with your spouse if you are ready for another. And so on. Our plans for family size often don’t work out the way we thought we wanted, so don’t put the cart before the horse.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think my post is a “me, me, me” thing. I have concerns about having a big family if I ever do have kids. Being able to travel as much as I did when I was a kid is a concern as well robbing my older children of their childhood by having some of the parental responsibilities fall on them, which is very different from chores, is another one. I’ll talk about it with my spouse if I ever get to that point.

Helping to take care of younger siblings doesn’t “rob you of your childhood”. I helped take care of my siblings that are eight and ten years younger than me and I loved having them. I got to prolong my childhood because I got to take them to little kid places and play little kid games with them. I also loved having older siblings and while I don’t know what your travel expectations are, but my mother LOVES to travel and she did what it took to take us to Disney, Boston, Chicago, Wisconsin, and Branson. She and my stepdad also took frequent trips to New Orleans, Savannah, Chicago, and Vegas as well as one trip to Washington DC. My stepdad even did three months of work in Germany and they paid for her to go visit him there! You spend your money on what you love. Some families do sports. Some families build chicken coops. Some families travel. I’m not trying to be offensive, but your reasons for worrying about having more than three children seem a little shallow. You won’t know what you can afford or deal with until you are in the situation. Your husband might be a millionaire, or perpetually unemployed, or both at different times of your marriage. You might have the easiest children in the world who prance in matching uniforms and sing in harmony like the Von Trapps, or you might have a child with major special needs. You might find out that you love being a caregiver and after your first child you scream, “bring on the babies!”, or you might suffer from PPD. You just can’t know.

 

[ThePCWife]

Helping to take care of younger siblings doesn’t “rob you of your childhood”. I helped take care of my siblings that are eight and ten years younger than me and I loved having them. I got to prolong my childhood because I got to take them to little kid places and play little kid games with them. I also loved having older siblings and while I don’t know what your travel expectations are, but my mother LOVES to travel and she did what it took to take us to Disney, Boston, Chicago, Wisconsin, and Branson. She and my stepdad also took frequent trips to New Orleans, Savannah, Chicago, and Vegas as well as one trip to Washington DC. My stepdad even did three months of work in Germany and they paid for her to go visit him there! You spend your money on what you love. Some families do sports. Some families build chicken coops. Some families travel. I’m not trying to be offensive, but your reasons for worrying about having more than three children seem a little shallow. You won’t know what you can afford or deal with until you are in the situation. Your husband might be a millionaire, or perpetually unemployed, or both at different times of your marriage. You might have the easiest children in the world who prance in matching uniforms and sing in harmony like the Von Trapps, or you might have a child with major special needs. You might find out that you love being a caregiver and after your first child you scream, “bring on the babies!”, or you might suffer from PPD. You just can’t know.

The OP is a man.

 

[Allegra]

The OP is a man.

Sorry, your wife might have PPD.

 

[Meagan34]

I don’t think my post is a “me, me, me” thing. I have concerns about having a big family if I ever do have kids. Being able to travel as much as I did when I was a kid is a concern as well robbing my older children of their childhood by having some of the parental responsibilities fall on them, which is very different from chores, is another one. I’ll talk about it with my spouse if I ever get to that point.

I don’t think your post is a “me me me” thing either. People here make it seem selfish to want to enjoy life in your own way if it’s not centered around children but that is because, when you are a married Catholic, kids are the supreme gift and if you decide to forgo a few in hopes of, what they consider, frivolous reasons (anything that tries to avoid sacrifice and seeks pleasure and enjoyment instead of another baby) you’re being immature and selfish. Since you’re not even married you don’t have to stress about any of this at all but it is something that you could perhaps discuss with a potential spouse. If you don’t want a large family (they’re not for everyone) then focus on finding someone like-minded in how you think. Just be prepared to accept life as it comes. God forbid, you might end up having to deal with infertility or one day find yourself loving life as a parent of many. And that’s not even covering what your spouse might want much later in marriage.

 

[DlandFan06]

I don’t think your post is a “me me me” thing either. People here make it seem selfish to want to enjoy life in your own way if it’s not centered around children but that is because, when you are a married Catholic, kids are the supreme gift and if you decide to forgo a few in hopes of, what they consider, frivolous reasons (anything that tries to avoid sacrifice and seeks pleasure and enjoyment instead of another baby) you’re being immature and selfish. Since you’re not even married you don’t have to stress about any of this at all but it is something that you could perhaps discuss with a potential spouse. If you don’t want a large family (they’re not for everyone) then focus on finding someone like-minded in how you think. Just be prepared to accept life as it comes. God forbid, you might end up having to deal with infertility or one day find yourself loving life as a parent of many. And that’s not even covering what your spouse might want much later in marriage.

Thank you but I wouldn’t put down the other posters for their responses. You’re right that since I’m not married I don’t have to stress out about it but it’s something I think about. Having three kids feels right to me. It’s an even split between my family and my grandparents’ family. Of course I’ll be open to accept life as it comes and if I do have more than three kids then I’ll be asking God for help since I think you need more money in order to raise a larger family. Large families are not for everyone and I have seen some people looking harangued when a lot of little kids so close together. I just think you need the right temperament to raise a large family. Not everyone does. Raising one child is work enough, imagine raising four or five little kids.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Have fun with nfp… it’s sooooooo awesome!!!

(Sarcasm)

I like using NFP, as in I find the abstinence period just keeps things interesting and I have to abstain for most of my cycle. Like obviously my experience with it is no more valid than yours but I am just pointing out that it’s different for everyone.

 

[Allegra]

I like using NFP, as in I find the abstinence period just keeps things interesting and I have to abstain for most of my cycle. Like obviously my experience with it is no more valid than yours but I am just pointing out that it’s different for everyone.

I like it too. To each his own, I guess.

 

[SusanneT]

A lot of people in my church community have come from fairly large families and by fairly large, I mean four siblings or more. I myself come from a small family with just two siblings, me being the oldest. When it comes time to start a family, can you have an ideal number of children or will there be a conflict between the two spouses if say one wants a smaller family and the other wants a bigger family because of how big or small their families are.

For myself, I want three kids because my dad came from a family of four siblings and I come from a family of just two so the best scenario would be three. Three’s a middle of the road family anything more and I would start to wonder where the money for these kids would come from. I’m getting a little side tracked here. My question is: for those of you who come from small or smaller families and married someone from a big or bigger family, is there any disagreement as to how many kids you want do to your own family background.

I think you will find that whatever your intentions God will ultimately decide for you and probably you will be pretty happy with the outcome !

 

[Rau]

I don’t think my post is a “me, me, me” thing. I have concerns about having a big family if I ever do have kids. Being able to travel as much as I did when I was a kid is a concern as well robbing my older children of their childhood by having some of the parental responsibilities fall on them, which is very different from chores, is another one. I’ll talk about it with my spouse if I ever get to that point.

I’ve known some larger families. The older kids simply don’t have the perspective (“we was robbed of our childhood”) that you fear. BTW - it would be easy to claim that school robs kids of childhood too! (My kids tell me that regularly )

 

[ArielRussu]

I’ve known some larger families. The older kids simply don’t have the perspective (“we was robbed of our childhood”) that you fear. BTW - it would be easy to claim that school robs kids of childhood too! (My kids tell me that regularly )

Being the eldest of 5, my grandmother got robbed of her childhood, she felt that way too, as she was put in charge of housework and got punished when the chores weren’t done, hers and her siblings. Siblings who liked to slack off just too see her get punished. Being the eldest of 17, my grandfather got robbed of his childhood, especially after his dad died in an accident when he was 14ish, leaving him no choice but to quite high school to help support his family. This was back when kids could quite school legally before age 16.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Being the eldest of 5, my grandmother got robbed of her childhood, she felt that way too, as she was put in charge of housework and got punished when the chores weren’t done, hers and her siblings. Siblings who liked to slack off just too see her get punished. Being the eldest of 17, my grandfather got robbed of his childhood, especially after his dad died in an accident when he was 14ish, leaving him no choice but to quite high school to help support his family. This was back when kids could quite school legally before age 16.

How could your grandfather be the eldest of 17 if his father died when he was 14? That’s not long enough time to get 17 kids.

 

[Mamanurse]

How could your grandfather be the eldest of 17 if his father died when he was 14? That’s not long enough time to get 17 kids.

There could have been multiples. Or maybe she married soon after and had more children. Why does it matter anyway?

 

[ThePCWife]

Some kids in large families (particularly older daughters) will feel robbed of their childhood due to having to take care of younger siblings while mom gestates endlessly. Others (particularly younger kids who came along towards the end of mom’s seemingly endless pregnancies) will have cheerful memories of being surrounded constantly by family members and how cool that was.

People have different experiences, and now that we live in a more individualistic, single-family home type society, having a zillion kids is much more likely than in the past to leave the older ones on seemingly permanent childcare and housework duty, especially if that large family also homeschools. Lots and lots of older girl siblings in huge homeschooling families have reported the neglect of their own education so they could take care of the infants and toddlers underfoot.

 

[bitterhope]

Some kids in large families (particularly older daughters) will feel robbed of their childhood due to having to take care of younger siblings while mom gestates endlessly. Others (particularly younger kids who came along towards the end of mom’s seemingly endless pregnancies) will have cheerful memories of being surrounded constantly by family members and how cool that was.

People have different experiences, and now that we live in a more individualistic, single-family home type society, having a zillion kids is much more likely than in the past to leave the older ones on seemingly permanent childcare and housework duty, especially if that large family also homeschools. Lots and lots of older girl siblings in huge homeschooling families have reported the neglect of their own education so they could take care of the infants and toddlers underfoot.

The only two people in real life that I have ever heard complain of being robbed of their childhood were only children for 10+ years and then had only one other sibling. The others I’ve read about online usually are from a similar family size and spacing as well (oldest of 2-3 kids, 7+ years spacing from youngest sibling). In every case, whether it’s a large or small family, family disfunction is the cause of that occurring. Size and spacing have nothing at all to blame in it.

OP, I’m from a very large family. My husband is the oldest of two kids. They are about 7 years apart in age. They are very close and got along well. His sister was an answer to his prayer for a sibling because he didn’t want to be lonley anymore. He never had a number if kids in mind. His parents struggled with infertility so he knew whatever God gave him would be how it was. I did. I wanted no more than four tops. Turned out that my husband and I have the opposite problem as his parents. We have nine so far and realize that God will give if, when and how He sees fit.

 

[AClaire11]

Some kids in large families (particularly older daughters) will feel robbed of their childhood due to having to take care of younger siblings while mom gestates endlessly. Others (particularly younger kids who came along towards the end of mom’s seemingly endless pregnancies) will have cheerful memories of being surrounded constantly by family members and how cool that was.

People have different experiences, and now that we live in a more individualistic, single-family home type society, having a zillion kids is much more likely than in the past to leave the older ones on seemingly permanent childcare and housework duty, especially if that large family also homeschools. Lots and lots of older girl siblings in huge homeschooling families have reported the neglect of their own education so they could take care of the infants and toddlers underfoot.

Yes, that experience seems not infrequent in quiverfull families.

OP, there’s nothing wrong with tentatively predicting that you will only want three kids. Not everyone wants to live on rice and beans just to afford an unending stream of children. However, it is very odd to me that you think this is a good number because of the size of your family and your grandparents’ family. That seems really arbitrary and is not a good basis for deciding on your own family size.