Different marital approaches leaving wife depressed

[chevalier]

I’ll be praying for you… I’ve had a lot and a lot of being emotionally pressured to admit to faults others perceived of me. It feels horribly wrong. I have no qualms asking people “Why?” if they insist I should apologise and if they can’t substantiate it… well, I won’t apologise on the basis of their thinking I should. However, sometimes they will have a valid point, they just won’t be able to frame it logically, in a clear way. It’s certainly not right for you to be expected to submit to arbitrary accusations devoid of a clear matter, but to some extent, your own problems with your wife’s treatment of you might be the same - i.e. not too well based feelings of being disrespected, henpecked etc. At any rate, talking about problems shouldn’t be about who’s guilty or who’s wrong. The need to be right and the need to see the other person proven wrong and his arguments shattered, should be overcome (which is personally very hard for me to achieve). The thing with her accusing you of lying is also something I recognise from my own life and yeah, it’s a very hard thing to be on the receiving end of. I don’t know what the right reaction is, but insisting and repeating over and over is not. Neither is attempting to conduct proof (like in court or at maths lesson) in your defence. Admitting to a wrongful accusation is not right by any means, either. I suppose it needs some good talking and perhaps some counselling.

 

[jman507]

Gospel:

I think the rigid way in which you see the world is wrong, false, and *distorted *by your family of origin.

It is contributing to your wife’s issues and amplifying them.

In addition to getting marital help (such as Retrouvaille or Marriage Encounter) perhaps you need some *individual *counseling to help you see that you have some issues, too.

I wouldn’t say that it is wrong, but if it is not tempered down at the appropriate times it is a lack of prudence and wisdom. Logically there is quite possible to approach things more than one way and have it be proper. To think you must be so rigid seems more of a case of intellectual arrogance, that will lead to a blind spot that then leads to disastrous results.

I remember Fr. Corpi saying that the Holy Spirit can change you easy if you allow yourself to be molded by it like clay, or it can also chisel you down if you want to remain ridged.

Sometimes one must pull back and think, I might be wrong in my approach. Logic with no regard to feeling, is cold and alienating. Feeling with no regard to logic leads to anarchy and disillusionment. One may certainly have a bias towards one, but one also needs to be open to both. The best options tend to be when they can be integrated together. If anyone is going to tell me love is only logical, I’d probably look at them as if they are crazy. It should be logical, but the feeling there is also very important.

 

[chevalier]

I strongly disagree with this statement. I do not disagree that feeling are “real”, what the bottom line is, are the feelings based on truth or not. Are they “right” or “wrong”. I don’t mind if a person has a “wrong” feeling as long as they are working by God’s grace to mike it “right”.

There is nothing that is relative. Our perception of a thing may be confused, because of our sinful nature however, nothing EVER is relative. The bottom line is everything is black and white. We might not recognize that, but it is true. This confusion of not being able to recognize black and white is what causes the “grey” in our perception.

Agreed. The blacks and whites and greys of our perception do not pertain to the reality of things and they don’t affect the real state of things, either. But let’s take a legal dispute as an illustration. Whose house is this? US law says this, French law says that, Spanish says something else. We pick the law that applies and there’s the judgement. But what then? The other person may go to a different court and what? Obtain a judgement because according to the laws of that country, the courts of that country have jurisdiction even over estate on foreign soil. How do we answer who’s right and who’s wrong? The country where the estate is? The country where the persons have citizenship? The country where the previous owner died without a will? How do we support the choice of which law applies or which guiding principle is right? International laws set up some guidelines and what are those? Agreements between countries. Just as laws are often agreements between political forces within a country.

In a marital situation, well, we know you didn’t break the cup if you didn’t and we know whose name the car is in. But controlling? What is controlling? Abuse… Does it count what you intended or what actually happened, or how you or your wife perceived it? Each of the theories can be extented… Let’s say actual abuse counts. So what’s abuse… intentionally inflicting feelings of humiliation, oppression etc? So, well, if we know something inspires those feelings in another person and we still do the thing, don’t we inflict abuse that way? Ooops. Logic goes poof. Not to mention we can’t make much pretence to knowing the objective truth of the matter, especially on restrospective basis, especially on what it feels to us (I feel I didn’t do anything wrong, e.g.). That would be like claiming there’s an objective definition of the colour red or the scent rosy. Obviously, there are some philosophical propositions which actually supply arguments for such extreme claims (if God says something is red, it is - regardless of the fact God is using our language and linguistic contructs which develop on Earth among us as a result of historical evolution). So… can’t solve anything in the 0/1 way. Especially if it’s difficult or impossible to prove to a sensible person.

Logic is great, but we guys tend to have a feeling for it (i.e. we love it) and feelings aren’t really a natural friend of logic. Not to mention that while logic is an abstract system that by definition cannot go wrong or contain loopholes, the way we execute it is by no means equal to how it would be in the abstract. Even a university professor of formal logic is prone to plain human mistakes (typos etc), relies on his data (which can be faulty), has feelings, emotions and drives like everyone. So much more we guys with a simple degree or none. We can be dead wrong without realising it.

As for feelings not being reality, they’re an answer to reality rather. But the fact we feel them is quite physical and that’s a fact to deal with. Certainly, your wife’s feelings may be a poor guide in determining the reality of how you treat her, but there’s also the reality that she feels this or that way, and that certain things awaken certain feelings in her. And that’s a real problem to deal with - perfectly real and tangible. The cause may be some feelings misleading her, but then if feelings aren’t a reality (per se) but an answer to it, one made without much choosing, then she isn’t at fault for the situation… so all that much more she deserves to be helped.

Now, enough mind-breaking. Got to be running. Hope you can sort it out.

 

[Ramalama]

She spends much of her time sleeping because she is depressed.

I think you said the key words. People who spend lots of time sleeping because they’re depressed need medical treatment. Please don’t try to handle this yourself. Just get her to a doctor.

I had similar problems and finally ask my physician for help. I take medication now (for the past several years) with no side effects. I feel fine and function well. My wife says if my doctor tries to take me off the drug he’ll have to deal with her.

God bless you. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[1ke]

I wouldn’t say that it is wrong, but if it is not tempered down at the appropriate times it is a lack of prudence and wisdom.

I was using his terminology-- he sees things as only true or false, black or white. Therefore, in choosing between “true” and “false” I would classify his rigidity as “false”.

 

[Eliza10]

…http://goodcounselchurch.googlepages.com/ourlady_big.gif/ourlady_big-full.jpg

Gospel, it is good you are seeking counseling, because a wise “other” would help you to look at the situation with true objectively.

Living with a depressed person is very hard. Here is a helpful list from the net (I have seen much much longer lists for this!) :

What Not to Say to a Depressed Person

Sometimes, it’s more important to know what NOT to say to someone living with depression. According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, you should avoid saying things like:

• *It’s all in your head. *
• *We all go through times like these. *
• *You’ll be fine. Stop worrying. *
• *Look on the bright side. *
• *You have so much to live for; why do you want to die? *
• *I can’t do anything about your situation. *
• *Just snap out of it. *
• *Stop acting crazy. *
• *What’s wrong with you? *
• Shouldn’t you be better by now? *
  So this is very hard, and involves much patience and self-control, as you can imagine. Because what you feel is natural to say is often quite damaging. This is what you can* say:

***“I love you no matter what you say or do.” ***
***“Don’t ever think you are alone in this or anything you go through.” ***
***“Please tell me what I can do to help you right now.” ***
***“I know I can’t understand what you are going though, but I am here for you if you want to talk.” ***
***“I can’t imagine how hard this all must be. ***
***“You are so important to me.” ***
***“We can get through this. There are people out there who can help.” ***
***“You won’t feel this way forever – we will find a way to help you feel better.” ***

I wonder if you ever have seen lists like these? Because these damaging things to say to a depressed person seem the most normal things to say. If you say them, you are emotionally crippling the depressed person. So you see it takes some expertise to live with a depressed person in a helpful way. Getting some expert help on how to do that would make a difference in your marriage.

If your wife says you are emotionally damaging her, there is a real possiblity that may be so. But from what you write here, it seems you are dismissing that possibility altogether. It seems like it is not occuring to you that you might be missing something all together. Which is natural to do when you are in the thick of things.

Its natural for a man who has a completely different brain from a woman to not understand how she thinks. Its natural to have completely different percptions of things.

[continued on next post]

 

[Eliza10]

[continued from previous post]

If you are black and white in your thinking, and then when you and your wife have diffferent feelings (which is typical), then if you deem that one of your feelings is right and one is wrong, and you are sure you are right - then that really is the setup for emotional abuse - in my inexpert opinion. I do think an expert opinion would be good on that though.

Also your saying that you are strictly black and white in how you see things could mean there is serious inflxibility in what you say and do and demand, and that would contribulte to emotional abuse.

Your saying that you demand respect could be a problem. Because if you see something as disrespect, and she sees an incident in another light, for example not as a disrespect issue at all but as expressing her emotional needs, then unbendingly demanding your way because it makes you feel respected could certainly be emotional abuse.

Also your saying that “feelings are either right or wrong” seems to fly in the face of all the psychology I have ever read. My understanding is that all feelings are okay. Feelings are feelings. Its what you do about the feelings. As Catholics, we do not sin by feeling angry. We sin by sinfully acting on the anger. In a relationship, I believe, all feelings should be validated. If you tell people their feelings are wrong, thats invalidating, and probably its emotional abuse.

There are different levels of emotional intelligence. How high do you think yours is? I am just suggesting you think about it. Because its possible its not your strength. Maybe your other intellectual powers are the stronger ones, like mental and logical intelligence. If you have high emotional intelligence, then probaly everyone considers you a real feeling kind of guy, sensitve, empathetic, understanding and people flock to you when they need to feel better about themselves, and they thank you a lot for helping them feel so much better about themselves and life. If thats the case, you probably have very high emotional intelligence. But if emotional intelligence is not your strength, and your wife says you emotionally hurt her, then an expert could probably give you some tips to improve the situation, things that never occured to you.

Also possibly your wife is not that in touch with her own feelings, at least not in touch enough to be able to undrstand and communicate them. But maybe she is right in saying you are somehow the reason she feels so bad. She just can’t sort out and communicate what you can do to make her better. A counselor could help her sort it out.

…http://lizplummer.com/blog/wp-conte...ndowslivewritertinyflowers-1197bdscn10712.jpg…

Also, about counseling - there are really good ones out there but there are an awful lot of bad ones! There really is virtually no accountablity for the counselors when people come to them desparate for help and they get no help (or worse). Really the only accountability is if they physcially abuse the patients - which is not something you generally have to worry about! But not getting help, wasting your time, money and hope is common.

Also there are many approaches to fixing problems and the approach the counselor is accustomed to taking may not be the one you need. For example, the approach many, many counselors take is to just listen, so you can vent, and hear yourself talk, and they nod and affirm, yes, yes, hmmm, and withhold advice. They just provide a place for you to discover your own answers (isn’t that nice!) as you talk aloud and their money meter ticks. And if their approach is unsuccessful or sets you back in money, time or hope, it doesn’t cost them a dime, and in fact they collect their full fees whether they help you or not.

So thats why I would go to Gregory Popcak, who has a EWTN radio and TV programs, and is a very wise man who, in my opinion, feels an accountability to God to truly help people, and he does. You can hear his wisdom when he imparts advice on his radio or TV programs, or read his books (especially For Better…Forever!), and you can get his counseling serivces by telephone. It won’t be wasted money or time, he doesn’t just provide an ear, he truly listens and discerns and imparts wise counsel. Wasting time, money and hope is often the case with picking a local counselor who is not accompanied by strong reccomendations.

http://www.olgcnola.org/OLGC_paintin.jpg

 

[RWMorris]

Gospel,
To me you sound like you are willing to do what it takes to have a good marriage. So what if you put your foot down on various occasions or get aggravated because your wife insists you are mad at her when in fact you aren’t?
I get a little bit tired of this forum where people aren’t willing to say, “Look, the wife needs to grow up.” I for one am willing to say that your wife needs to get her act together. I know she’s depressed, and I’ve been there, but you also have to WANT to get better or you will just wallow in self-pity.
Before anyone accuses me of being heartless, I’d like to say that three years ago, I suffered from a major nervous breakdown with PTSD and reactive psychosis. Since then, it’s been a struggle. At times my husband HAS said to me that I had to really want to get better or I wasn’t going to get better. And he was right. I still go to counseling with a shrink but I’ve got my life back together. I stay on my meds and everything is fine.
BTW, my husband is retired military and lays the law down about various things and it doesn’t offend my sensitive soul.
Your wife needs to grow up a little bit and stop being so sensitive to every little thing. I would stand up to her and tell her to stop blackmailing me emotionally, PERIOD.
Just my two cents.

 

[Eliza10]

RWMorris, I am not with you on your assessemnt. I am sure that telling his wife she is too sensitive or she just doesn’t want “enough” to get better are the among the very most wrong things to say to her, if she is truly depressed, which is what Gospel says she is.

I also think none of us here can make a judgement about who is the “wrong one” in the marriage from what Gospel wrote. I think its safe to assume that there is more to it that what we’ve heard. Also their habitual responses to each other might be bringing out the worst in each other. Certainly if one in fact is more to “blame” than the other, a wise and able counselor who has heard both sides would be the one to judge that.

http://www.pallottine.org.au/images/Mother of Good Counsel_pw.jpg

 

[MCGar]

I don’t know if you want to take this advice but to me it might settle one of your big problems. When she starts accusing you of being mad, this is what you do; smile, open your arms wide and say “Honey I love you and I’m not mad, I promise,” then give her a big cuddly hug and kiss her. Keep on hugging until she relaxes and whisper to her and kiss her. Then ask her to do something with you tonight or the next day, like watch a movie, have an indoor picnic, play catch, or just give her a shoulder massage.

Repeat as necessary.

Women tend to be very aware of other people’s facial expressions and mannerisms to indicate their emotions. It’s the nurturer in us. You may not be mad at all but your signals are getting crossed with hers and she’s going to be mentally aggrivated until those signals start to change.

If she’s starting in on you about being mad, it may be her way of telling you, I NEED affection and lightheartedness now, please give it to me. She might not even know consciously that she needs it, but the best thing for you to do is to give it to her wholeheartedly. !

Don’t tense up and wait for this to escalate. Just break the cycle and be nice and goofy with her until she relaxes a bit.

 

[cecilia97]

Gospel,
To me you sound like you are willing to do what it takes to have a good marriage. So what if you put your foot down on various occasions or get aggravated because your wife insists you are mad at her when in fact you aren’t?
I get a little bit tired of this forum where people aren’t willing to say, “Look, the wife needs to grow up.” I for one am willing to say that your wife needs to get her act together. I know she’s depressed, and I’ve been there, but you also have to WANT to get better or you will just wallow in self-pity.
Before anyone accuses me of being heartless, I’d like to say that three years ago, I suffered from a major nervous breakdown with PTSD and reactive psychosis. Since then, it’s been a struggle. At times my husband HAS said to me that I had to really want to get better or I wasn’t going to get better. And he was right. I still go to counseling with a shrink but I’ve got my life back together. I stay on my meds and everything is fine.
BTW, my husband is retired military and lays the law down about various things and it doesn’t offend my sensitive soul.
Your wife needs to grow up a little bit and stop being so sensitive to every little thing. I would stand up to her and tell her to stop blackmailing me emotionally, PERIOD.
Just my two cents.

This *might * be an appropriate approach if the wife in question was sitting around eating bon-bons all day and whining about being mistreated. But Gospel has told us she’s on medication for some sort of depression. Telling someone with depression to “snap out of it” or “stop being so sensitive” is the exact wrong thing to do. I can’t think of much worse you could say. It puts the blame back on the person with the condition and makes them feel even more incapable of dealing with their life through the cloud of their illness. It’s like telling a paralized person to stop faking and get out of the wheelchair, then punishing them when they can’t do it!

The only way I can describe depression to people who’ve never been depressed is to tell them: picture that you’re in a vast gray whirlpool and you can’t feel any strong feelings like love or anger…you can only give knee-jerk reactions to the bad things that happen in your life. You cannot swim against the current because it’s simply too strong. You cannot reach out for help because you’re ashamed to admit you need it and you think no one else in the world has ever felt this way and cannot understand your problems. You can hardly pray to God for help because He seems farther away than ever and you simply do not have the energy to form the words. You sink down further and further into the whirlpool but you never reach the bottom. You can’t even make yourself wake up in the morning because there’s noting worth getting up for.

Yes, she needs to get help. But that doesn’t mean she’s the only person who needs to take action.

And “you’re being too sensitive” can be used for all kinds of excuses. My ex husband told me I was “being too sensitive” about his affair. That logic doesn’t fly very far.

 

[jman507]

I was using his terminology-- he sees things as only true or false, black or white. Therefore, in choosing between “true” and “false” I would classify his rigidity as “false”.

Yeah, I figured that. I thought I do that too, and point out that thinking everything has a right and wrong answer is logically a fallacy. I just feel my answer was more logical.

 

[chevalier]

I just want to remind that while some things aren’t right or wrong (generally, right or wrong are factual statements devoid of evaluation unless it’s evaluation according to set criteria), one thing can’t be true and false at the same time. Greying things doesn’t help anything. For example, a model can be either pretty or ugly, but she isn’t pretty and ugly at the same time. Some people consider her pretty, others consider her ugly. This means we disagree on it, but it doesn’t mean we live in a world in which many mutually exclusive positions are simultaneously true.

Sometimes it feels to me like some people just need to have the greys there. As in it can’t be said black or white doesn’t apply, no, it has to be grey. Because grey is good… I may be wrong, but I associate that with relativism. Sure, there are scales - colours are scales, for example. Propriety is a scale, so one thing is more proper than the other and a given behaviour may be in part proper, in part improper. But do we really have to make it into greys, alluding to good & evil, right & wrong, as if a thing could be good and evil, right and wrong at the same time?

In decimal, 1+1=2. In binary 1+1=10. In the right system, each sentence is correct. But this doesn’t mean 1+1 is both 2 and 10. Or that it’s a subjective matter. Or than nothing definite exists. Etc.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Wow. Just wow. Let me say I’d be majorly depressed if I was your wife also. Wait. I was married to someone who was loud and demanded respect and was angry at me all the time and told me my feelings were invalid and blamed my mental state for the problems we had, and criticized my family and accused them of meddling and refused to see that his family was imperfect and left him with a lot of distorted notions about family life. And there was nothing I could say to him to express my feelings where I wasn’t told how wrong I was. And then he told me I needed to be on medication.

That is a recipe for hopelessness that would leave me in bed with the covers over my head also. I hope you aren’t being like my xh and actually hitting her till she agrees you are a nice and not-angry man deserving of respect.

I like to think that I am in the middle ground. I do not look at myself as a control freak. I do however demand respect. I take seriously the role of being the head of the household, however I try to balance that with loving my wife as I love myself, as scripture commands. Now how my wife and I look at respect, and our families look at respect is a bone of contension.

You don’t think you are a control freak. And you tell other people THEIR perceptions are right or wrong. Some people don’t think they are ugly or fat or stupid or beautiful or careless. But the perceptions they can’t control of other people in the world determine how all those other people treat them. If anyone says you’re a control freak, then you probably are. Even if it’s your wife’s meddlesome family. (By the way, a daughter IS a daughter all her life. You need to respect that. If they see you yelling at her and being overbearing, that is contrary to their quiet peaceful dynamic, and guess what? They perceive you as a bully. And you can’t control their perception. You can only control your actions to change their perception.)

Respect must be earned. True respect that is. Unless you are willing to accept the fearful compliance that your father took as a poor substitute for respect. It looks the same on the surface, but the emotions behind it are very different. But you’re not a guy that deals with emotions. You only deal with facts. Which is why your wife is hiding under the covers.

She’s a woman, pal. You may be the head of the household, but until you see her as the heart, your marriage is toast. A head that makes a decision without the heart is a cold robotic automaton. And while we’re at it, let’s strip away the fairy tale illusion about your own upbringing. The fact that 13 years of marriage goes by and you’re still caring if your father (not family… I’ll bet you’re really afraid of HIM seeing you as “less than a man”) sees you as hen-pecked or not tells me his opinion of you is more important than your wife’s.

Your loud rigid father whose word was law probably was a horrible way to go. You are not seeing that household objectively. And your mother probably was depressed too, but she’ll never admit it. She just endured having her opinions shoved aside and let him be in charge.

You know, Pope John Paul II spoke of the “feminine genius” that a lot of men don’t respect. My mother ran our household. She didn’t try to tell my dad how to do his job. And he respected her running the household. He didn’t come in and say he was king of the castle. They raised quite a few very productive children that way.

And if you see the world in black and white, you are not seeing it as God created it. He created all shades of color. You telling your wife something is black or white when she sees red or gray does not help the situation. It just shoves her further into despair that you will never understand and there is no point in talking to you. And the covers go back over the head.

Continued…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I see it can be difficult to communicate with you just from your answers here. You will argue till the cows come home that you are right and her feelings are wrong. Well, no amount of disagreeing with me and yelling at me could make me think my xh was a nice man when he wasn’t. Feelings are neither right or wrong. It’s how you act on them that makes them right or wrong. A man who is exasperated with his wife is neither moral or immoral. A man who uses that feeling to emotionally berate her or have an affair is wrong.

If she thinks you are angry, then you are coming across as angry. Loud, yelling, posture, finger pointing, word choice… if you are communicating anger to her when you think you are being a jolly good fellow… you have a communication problem. And maybe you aren’t listening. So next time she accuses you of being angry, instead of shutting the discussion down by telling her she is lying or manipulative, step back and ask her “What am I doing that makes you think I am angry.” And listen. You might learn something.

You didn’t start out treating her this way, or I bet she never would have married you. So what are YOU doing differently.

By the way, depression is anger turned inward. I bet long ago she learned never to show you her anger. You probably put her in her place for that little show of insurrection and “disrespect.” But anger has to be let out somewhere. So she is turning it on herself.

And the last thing someone who is emotionally battered needs is to be told she is crazy and you are dragging her to a shrink to fix her.

Here are some concrete suggestions since you seem to want to operate in the world of facts. No. Wait. You don’t. You make other people operate with YOUR facts as YOU see them. And you project your feelings of superiority, anger, resentment, and rigidity onto them. But you don’t deal with their fears, sadness or anger yourself. You tell them they are wrong and invalid.

Stop doing that.

1. Apologize when your wife says you are angry. Ask her what you are doing that makes her think you are angry. Then stop making those faces, pointing that finger, or yelling.
2. Quit going to your parent’s one-sided Dad’s Word is Law model for how you operate in your marriage. I dare you to ask your own mother “Do I act too much like dad?” Use those words. I bet you get an interesting response.
3. Take your wife to a physician. Have her examined for something as simple as asthma. I had untreated asthma. That can make you exhausted. If you aren’t getting enough oxygen, nothing else will go right during the day. Have her thyroid checked.
4. Don’t have her head examined. Have yours examined. Why you need to tell other people what they feel and how wrong they are is beyond me. And you won’t admit that there is any anger toward your wife? She sees it. I see it from your language and words in this thread. Admit it and learn to show some respect in the other direction.
5. Start taking some of the blame for this mess. It’s not all in her head. You didn’t find her cowering under the covers and pull her out and force her to walk down the aisle with you. Her model of a marriage seems to be one of mutual respect and communication. You hate that touchy feely stuff, but I have to say, a lot of people and most little kids like that about women. It makes them good mommies and not daddies that the kids are afraid of.
6. Instead of demanding that when two people become one
   she should become you, learn to adopt some of her good qualities. Like making emotional connections with the people around you. Instead of telling them they are wrong all the time.
7. Recognize you can be perfectly right all the time and also be completely alone. The two are not mutually incompatible.
8. Pray for God to show you humility. Christ’s model of leadership was complete service to those He lead. Are you symbolically washing your wife’s feet? Or do you expect her to do that because you are the head of the household? (If you are the head, what does that make her in your book? The foot? The middle toe?)

Continued…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

1. Recognize we are only hearing your side of the story. And you are very busy telling us what your wife thinks. Counselling didn’t work for me and my xh because he would interrupt me and tell the counsellor what I was really feeling and thinking and how wrong that was. I am not going to agree with RWMorris that your wife needs to grow up. Her husband may show her more respect when he lays down the law than I suspect you show.
2. You have crowded your wife out of the marriage. Her family is far away now. She is even more alone and isolated. You tell her what she feels. Your word is law.

And we haven’t begun to deal with any possible children in this mix. Are there any? What do they feel? Or do they have right and wrong feelings too? How does she relate to them?

Too many missing puzzle pieces. But just your language in this makes me see that before you can solve her problem, you need to solve yours. Good luck.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

By the way, scripture doesn’t command you love your wife as you love yourself. It tells you to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. (He was willing to die for Her.) Big difference. And it requires humility, sacrifice, gentleness and kindness. And forgiveness and mercy.

Change your paradigm and see if things go better.

 

[SeekerJen]

Gospel, after reading this thread as well as the other thread you have started, I have just one question: Is your need to be objectively right in all matters more important than your wife’s well-being? I am not asking to accuse you of anything, nor do I expect a response. I wanted to bring this up as something for you to think about.

I have seen many posts on these forums from married people who, like you, see everything in black and white. This sometimes leads them to have major blow-ups because their spouses do not, say, load the dishwasher in the “right” (meaning "deemed so by the black/white spouse) way, or do not fold the towels in the “right” way, etc. I can only imagine what such marriages must be like if, God forbid, the other spouse has the temerity to voice a disagreement in opinion. Toss in nosy in-laws on both sides and a mental illness, and the outcome is one very serious marital problem.

Your wife needs peace, you both need a healthy marriage, and your children need two parents who work as a team and whom they love and respect but do not fear as you fear your own father.