Different Sisters

[CRATUS]

One is ideal or at least easy to deal with - diligent, independent, level-headed, rational/reasonable, wise, lighthearted, emotionally stable, private, moderate, positive, patience, understanding, tough, mature, self-aware, responsible. The other sister struggles a lot with all the above that comes naturally to my sister. She is very sensitive, impatient, self-centered, dramatic, emotional, moody, irrational, impulsive, aggressive, touchy, picky, easily discouraged. It is so hard to correct without her crying, whining, etc. When she is in good mood, rarely, she can be quite generous. She is A LOT older than my younger sister, BUT SHE IS SO MUCH MORE IMMATURE. She cannot take a joke, insult, etc without some sort of reaction from her. Why can’ she get it together?
Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

 

[CRATUS]

Supposedly, no one is perfect. Some people vary on the spectrum of perfection.

 

[Xantippe]

One is ideal or at least easy to deal with - diligent, independent, level-headed, rational/reasonable, wise, lighthearted, emotionally stable, private, moderate, positive, patience, understanding, tough, mature, self-aware, responsible. The other sister struggles a lot with all the above that comes naturally to my sister. She is very sensitive, impatient, self-centered, dramatic, emotional, moody, irrational, impulsive, aggressive, touchy, picky, easily discouraged. It is so hard to correct without her crying, whining, etc. When she is in good mood, rarely, she can be quite generous. She is A LOT older than my younger sister, BUT SHE IS SO MUCH MORE IMMATURE. She cannot take a joke, insult, etc without some sort of reaction from her. Why can’ she get it together?
Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

Because she’s a different person.

It’s quite possible the older sister has some sort of undiagnosed emotional or psychological issue.

Stand up for yourself, but try to be patient.

Best wishes!

 

[underacloud]

I know what you mean. My wife and her sister sound very much like your two sisters. My wife being well grounded and easy-going, my SIL being erratic, flighty, and troubled.

The other sister struggles a lot with all the above that **comes naturally **to my sister.

Well, you’ve said it yourself here. For some people, their personalities are more naturally relaxed and easy-going. Genetics and childhood experiences help form our personalities well before we can really be held responsible for them (though we can of of course work on ourselves, practice virtues, etc).

Also, importantly, certain traumatic events may have great impact and often even very close family do not know about them (eg some sort of abuse).

Why can’ she get it together?
Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

Because she is a different person with different personality traits. Try your best to value her for who she is and not focus on comparing her to others. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and should try our best to be the best version of ourselves, not hold ourselves up to some other ideal.

As her brother, your job is not to help her be more like your other sister, but to help her be the best version of herself that she can be.

A priest I admire often says “God loves everything about us, except our sin”. Try to apply that to your sister.

 

[pensmama87]

Supposedly, no one is perfect. Some people vary on the spectrum of perfection.

I often describe myself as a “recovering perfectionist,” and I cannot disagree more strongly with this statement.

There is no “perfection spectrum” that we all fall on. We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. We should all seek to improve our weaknesses, sure, and for some people it’s more immediately apparent what their weaknesses are. It’s also OK that these weaknesses annoy us, as long as we continue to try and see Christ in that person.

Nobody is perfect because no one is sinless. Our goal is holiness, not perfection, and we only get there by the grace of God, NOT by our own merits.

I also like to say “keep your eyes on your own paper,” i.e. stop worrying about what others are doing, and concern yourself with what you are doing.

 

[Xantippe]

I often describe myself as a “recovering perfectionist,” and I cannot disagree more strongly with this statement.

There is no “perfection spectrum” that we all fall on. We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. We should all seek to improve our weaknesses, sure, and for some people it’s more immediately apparent what their weaknesses are. It’s also OK that these weaknesses annoy us, as long as we continue to try and see Christ in that person.

Nobody is perfect because no one is sinless. Our goal is holiness, not perfection, and we only get there by the grace of God, NOT by our own merits.

I also like to say “keep your eyes on your own paper,” i.e. stop worrying about what others are doing, and concern yourself with what you are doing.

Right–and often the weaknesses are the flip side of the strengths, and vice versa. One person is high energy–but has a hard time focusing on just one thing for any length of time. Another has good judgment–but is slow in making decisions. There are many instances where a strength is closely related to a weakness.

 

[CRATUS]

I know what you mean. My wife and her sister sound very much like your two sisters. My wife being well grounded and easy-going, my SIL being erratic, flighty, and troubled.

Well, you’ve said it yourself here. For some people, their personalities are more naturally relaxed and easy-going. Genetics and childhood experiences help form our personalities well before we can really be held responsible for them (though we can of of course work on ourselves, practice virtues, etc).

Also, importantly, certain traumatic events may have great impact and often even very close family do not know about them (eg some sort of abuse).

Because she is a different person with different personality traits. Try your best to value her for who she is and not focus on comparing her to others. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and should try our best to be the best version of ourselves, not hold ourselves up to some other ideal.

As her brother, your job is not to help her be more like your other sister, but to help her be the best version of herself that she can be.

A priest I admire often says “God loves everything about us, except our sin”. Try to apply that to your sister.

Why can’t I find anything good about one of my sisters? I can only see one person’s strengths and the other I can only see her weaknesses. One seems perfect while the other seems utterly flawed.

 

[CRATUS]

I often describe myself as a “recovering perfectionist,” and I cannot disagree more strongly with this statement.

There is no “perfection spectrum” that we all fall on. We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. We should all seek to improve our weaknesses, sure, and for some people it’s more immediately apparent what their weaknesses are. It’s also OK that these weaknesses annoy us, as long as we continue to try and see Christ in that person.

Nobody is perfect because no one is sinless. Our goal is holiness, not perfection, and we only get there by the grace of God, NOT by our own merits.

I also like to say “keep your eyes on your own paper,” i.e. stop worrying about what others are doing, and concern yourself with what you are doing.

It just does not seem that way. Some people need the immediate intervention of the Holy Ghost. While others their faults seems to emerge from time to time, they are hardly noteworthy. It is easy to say we are all sinners - but there people are just generally easy to love, get along with, trust, have fun with, share your life with. There are some people who always needed to be corrected or reminded about something. It is hard to believe God loves us all. Why? I wonder. Some people are better than others.

 

[underacloud]

Why can’t I find anything good about one of my sisters? I can only see one person’s strengths and the other I can only see her weaknesses. One seems perfect while the other seems utterly flawed.

You should read about St Therese of Lisieux, who had similar problems with some sisters in her convent. Some were easy to get along with and with others it was very difficult. Look into how she handled it.

But - to be frank - if you can find nothing admirable in your other sister, she is either the worst person God ever brought into existence, or you’re not really trying hard enough.

 

[EasterJoy]

One is ideal or at least easy to deal with - diligent, independent, level-headed, rational/reasonable, wise, lighthearted, emotionally stable, private, moderate, positive, patience, understanding, tough, mature, self-aware, responsible. The other sister struggles a lot with all the above that comes naturally to my sister. She is very sensitive, impatient, self-centered, dramatic, emotional, moody, irrational, impulsive, aggressive, touchy, picky, easily discouraged. It is so hard to correct without her crying, whining, etc. When she is in good mood, rarely, she can be quite generous. She is A LOT older than my younger sister, BUT SHE IS SO MUCH MORE IMMATURE. She cannot take a joke, insult, etc without some sort of reaction from her. Why can’ she get it together?
Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

…joke, insult, et cetera…it sounds as if maybe you are not particularly sensitive or fully mature yourself. You don’t believe that you are entitled to have everyone else be offended by the same things that offend you, right? You don’t really believe that it is “wrong” to be more sensitive than you are and yet also wrong to be less sensitive, correct?

The short answer is that people mature at different rates, have different hormones and life experiences influencing their experience of life, have different temperaments which are more or less difficult to master, and so on. Some unlucky few have very difficult temperaments, and really make life more difficult for themselves than for anyone else. Only Heaven above knows how much they are responsible for that and how much they just have been given a difficult psychological package to manage.

It is out of line for you to expect one sibling to have the personality of another. You may as well have an older brother who is a star athlete and ask yourself what is wrong with you that you are not starting quarterback and the best shortstop on the baseball team. That would not be fair to you, would it? It would be disrespectful of your unique value as a human being distinct from your brother, wouldn’t it? So as much as you may legitimately find one sister “easier” than the other, work hard to let go of wanting the “difficult” one to be someone else in order to please you. Her world does not revolve around you, and you shouldn’t expect that it should. When you get to Heaven, perhaps God will explain why He gave one sister a different package than the other. Until then, let your charity make up the difference between what she is and what would be easiest for you. You won’t go wrong with that.

Don’t be too hard on yourself about it, though. Charity for siblings is usually the hardest. I guess it is because the relationship is so close, and not one we get to choose for ourselves whatsoever. Just work on finding a common ground with the older sister that accommodates you both while taking your unique personalities into account. If you manage it before you have to start making decisions about how to cope with the declining health of your elderly parents, you will have done better than many, and with respect to a “difficult” sibling, better than most. You cannot get started a moment too soon.

 

[DakiniArtist]

I didn’t know my sister and I have a third sibling!

Just kidding. Does kinda sound like me and my younger sis.

 

[bluerose]

Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

Has she been hearing this all her life?

Because what she’s really hearing is that SHE isn’t good enough because she is not like your younger sister. And she is NOT your younger sister. You said it yourself: you want her to ACT like your younger sister. No one wants to feel like they have to pretend to be like someone else to gain approval. That could be fueling the very behavior you don’t like.

 

[DakiniArtist]

Has she been hearing this all her life?

Because what she’s really hearing is that SHE isn’t good enough because she is not like your younger sister. And she is NOT your younger sister. You said it yourself: you want her to ACT like your younger sister. No one wants to feel like they have to pretend to be like someone else to gain approval. That could be fueling the very behavior you don’t like.

This. This. This.

 

[Pax2u]

Can I ask how old are the family members in this scenario?

I was wondering this also, OP. If you are still teens/young adults living at home together …people can and often do change as they mature. Just because someone is moody/immature as a teen doesn’t guarantee a future being that way.

If you are all well into adulthood, it’s time to realize your siblings are individuals with their own personalities. It’s natural to have a preference for certain qualities. That doesn’t mean you can’t accept and love older sister also.

I have 5 sisters, and believe me…the personalities are all over the place! There are some I have more in common with, and whose personalities are a closer match to mine. But we all love each other. Once you are an adult you can limit time around someone whose personality rubs you the wrong way. Love and pray for your older sister.

 

[3DOCTORS]

One is ideal or at least easy to deal with - diligent, independent, level-headed, rational/reasonable, wise, lighthearted, emotionally stable, private, moderate, positive, patience, understanding, tough, mature, self-aware, responsible. The other sister struggles a lot with all the above that comes naturally to my sister. She is very sensitive, impatient, self-centered, dramatic, emotional, moody, irrational, impulsive, aggressive, touchy, picky, easily discouraged. It is so hard to correct without her crying, whining, etc. When she is in good mood, rarely, she can be quite generous. She is A LOT older than my younger sister, BUT SHE IS SO MUCH MORE IMMATURE. She cannot take a joke, insult, etc without some sort of reaction from her. Why can’ she get it together?
Why can’t she just act like my younger sister?

Is it possible that the older sister is struggling to hold it together as it is? There could be any number of reasons that could be the case. She might, like you, have perfectionist tendencies and in our imperfect world there’s always going to be something to bump up against that will make her stress out when reality clashes with expectations. uch: Or it could be PMS - I’m female so I’m allowed to suggest that possibility, LOL. Maybe she’s neurologically wired differently and has sensory overload at things the majority of people barely notice. Or mental or emotional overload. Sometimes all those can come as a sort of package deal with the differently wired brain. And often they can be part of a personality that is capable of great depths of compassion for the suffering of the world - but they can experience compassion fatigue and burnout and become snappish or have meltdowns more easily.

If any of the above resonates with your situation, you may have a great opportunity to empathize and build a better bond between the two of you. :hug1: At least as others have pointed out, do your best not to compare the two sisters and try to find a way to relate with each as an individual.

 

[pensmama87]

Sometimes it can be very humbling, too, to think about how others might view us. I know that exercise has been very helpful for me in learning how to see the good in others when I’m tempted to only see the annoying.

 

[ela2]

Be grateful for your older sister, you may meet people with worse habits, etc.!

My older sister is just like yours, it was always very unpleasant being around her. Then I met my MIL…

Now I miss my older sister.

 

[CRATUS]

You should read about St Therese of Lisieux, who had similar problems with some sisters in her convent. Some were easy to get along with and with others it was very difficult. Look into how she handled it.

But - to be frank - if you can find nothing admirable in your other sister, she is either the worst person God ever brought into existence, or you’re not really trying hard enough.

Why can’t we all be calm, reasonable, and fun?

 

[Xantippe]

Why can’t we all be calm, reasonable, and fun?

Because some of us are passionate, romantic and driven.

 

[CRATUS]

Sometimes it can be very humbling, too, to think about how others might view us. I know that exercise has been very helpful for me in learning how to see the good in others when I’m tempted to only see the annoying.

What if you honestly are not annoying to other people unless they are unreasonable?