Different Sisters

  • Thread starter Thread starter CRATUS
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Alternately, as somebody says in a different context (namely about marriage), if all of us were the same, some of us would be unnecessary.
 
Cratus,

As someone who’s for forty years been the “why can’t you be more like your younger sister” girl, I don’t know what to say to you. It would be with baggage and hurt. Maybe your is painfully aware she’s not the “better” sister. She’s not the smart one, the pretty one, the together one. Maybe on some level that’s informed her poor choices. Yeah, I know I do what I can to “hold it together.” Maybe your sister is the same and maybe she has way more will power and strength than you think or she would be all over the place.

Can’t you just love her? Really. Are you without foibles? I’m sorry she’s not up to your standards. She’s probably doing the best she can. 😦
 
You seem kinda judgmental. Who assigned you to take your sister’s inventory?
 
There’s a book called “Siblings Without Rivalry” that you might benefit from paging through.

It’s intended for parents, but the part that is relevant to you is the stuff about not comparing siblings to each other. There’s a little bit more to it than that, so I suggest getting the book.
 
My fiance’s two kids could not be more different. They have the same mother, same father, grew up together. The older boy is extremely sensitive, given to drama, completely not mechanically inclined, into indoor activities like movies, got into drugs at a young age, and when you’d tell him to clean his room he would rather sit in there all day pouting than just take 15 minutes to clean it so he could go out. On the other hand, he has a strong work ethic and has been employed since he as old enough to work and has held his jobs for the long term.

The younger boy couldn’t be more different. He’s mechanical, enjoys working on his cars, athletic, enjoys outdoor activities, refused to get a job until pretty much everyone in the family put pressure on him to get it in gear.

I mean, literally, they could not be more different.

To me, this just proves that when it comes to nature vs. nurture, nature has a huge say in things.
 
I can understand the perspective of the older sister.

I’m also an older sister, and I was the older sister who people looked at and said “why isn’t she as pretty/popular/social/culturally-correct/thin/(insert other quality here) as her younger sister?” The other question asked was “why is she so weird/awkward/nerdy/dorky/quiet/rude/etc. and her younger sister is not?”

How those questions irked, angered, and depressed me.

One of the issues at the time was my conversion to Christianity, which in my ethnic heritage is a HUGE no-no if you are an unmarried woman. My mother for years bemoaned how disobedient and strange I was, and what was wrong with the traditional religion of our family. My family found my technical inclinations to be odd, out of sorts for being a woman, and my occasional desire to be with friends privately away from family to be odd and wrong. In short, it sucked growing up.

What I wished people had done instead was taken the time to get to know me. Understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t rude, I was reserved. I wasn’t awkward, I just felt out of place around people and situations I didn’t know.

It is curious to note you view the younger sister as perfection. As many older and experienced people can point out, what we often see as perfection is far from it.
 
Your comments about her not being able to take a joke or have fun make me wonder if you’re treating her the way YOU think she should be treated instead of the way SHE wants to be treated.

Here’s what you should try: for a week, be nice to her. Treat her in a way that you know will make her happy and feel safe. Don’t “correct” her (not your place anyway), don’t say any of the jokes/insults she can’t take, just be nice to her.

If she can spend some time without feeling like she’s under scrutiny or attack, maybe her personality will blossom and she’ll show you her good attributes.

I hate to sound harsh, but your sister DOES have good qualities. Everyone does. It’s just that you can’t see them, and that’s something YOU need to work on.
 
spunjalebi said:
I can understand the perspective of the older sister.

I’m also an older sister, and I was the older sister who people looked at and said “why isn’t she as pretty/popular/social/culturally-correct/thin/(insert other quality here) as her younger sister?” The other question asked was “why is she so weird/awkward/nerdy/dorky/quiet/rude/etc. and her younger sister is not?”
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I don’t know if this really will help the OP as he seems set in his perceptions, but I will say that my family dynamic was quite similar to what spunjalebi describes. I was the socially awkward older sister, while my younger sister was the popular one who never got into trouble, and somehow had the knack of always getting on the good side of people.

Well, as it turned out, this dynamic was not helpful to either of us! One day, my sister broke down in tears in front of the family, and confessed that she was TIRED of being the “good girl”, that she felt enormous pressure to never mess up, never talk back, etc. That was a revelation for me, because I had resented her for a while. Our sibling relationship (and the family dynamics in general) improved a LOT after that came out.

Putting people on a pedestal can be just as destructive to them as denigrating and demonizing them. I do NOT think the OP is being fair to his supposedly perfect younger sister by always comparing the older sister to her.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I don’t know if this really will help the OP as he seems set in his perceptions, but I will say that my family dynamic was quite similar to what spunjalebi describes. I was the socially awkward older sister, while my younger sister was the popular one who never got into trouble, and somehow had the knack of always getting on the good side of people.

Well, as it turned out, this dynamic was not helpful to either of us! One day, my sister broke down in tears in front of the family, and confessed that she was TIRED of being the “good girl”, that she felt enormous pressure to never mess up, never talk back, etc. That was a revelation for me, because I had resented her for a while. Our sibling relationship (and the family dynamics in general) improved a LOT after that came out.

Putting people on a pedestal can be just as destructive to them as denigrating and demonizing them. I do NOT think the OP is being fair to his supposedly perfect younger sister by always comparing the older sister to her.
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Yes.

“Siblings Without Rivalry” talks about that, too.
 
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