Differing Views

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karmdzine

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Hello,

I’m looking for advice on coping with my significant other’s sudden loss of interest in becoming a confirmed Catholic for me.

A little background info… we have been together for a little over three years and in that entire time he first told me he was baptized Catholic, but never really attended church. I saw his commitment to attending church with me as his way of expressing his interest in getting back to the church. I thought this was the case even more-so as A) in early 2012 we took a ‘Strengths Finding’ course, and then B) late last year he joined an RCIA program to learn more about Catholicism and to take the next step to receive communion and become confirmed.

Well, suddenly last week he has told me he feels like he’s lost, and needs time to find God for himself. He said he cannot finish the RCIA classes, won’t participate in Lent this year with me and will diminish the amount of masses he attends with me.

Upon being utterly shocked and confused, it pains me to hear this as through these years, I always thought he was going to grow in his faith with me and be my true partner in life and faith.

I am looking for advice on how to cope with not having my partner celebrate the Lenten festivities with me as well as the sudden drop in attendance of Mass. And also wondering if right now he’s having a confused moment, as we all do, and what to do in this time to not make him feel pressured so that he doesn’t lose all interest in church?

A lady that helped lead the RCIA courses told me that I shouldn’t give up on him and that he asked some of the best questions while in attendance, that she could truly tell he is interested in religion of some sort.

Hoping someone can help me cope with this a little more!

THANKS!
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I would pray for him more every day. I would just keep my relationship the same to the catholic standards. I would not compel or force him in any manner. I would spend more time and listen to him more and offer his views to our Lord God.

Hope you find your happiness and peace in the midst of this struggle.

Please do not fail to submit all this in your prayers and seek the help of our God.

Best wishes.
 
“of interest in becoming a confirmed Catholic for me.”

He shouldn’t convert FOR YOU in the first place. True conversion should be based on his own desire to become Catholic, not his desire to be with you.

You have some really hard decisions to make. I will say a prayer for you.
 
Did he not wish to convert for himself? As nicky said there are some really really difficult decisions for both of you to make. Thinking of you and praying for you both x
 
sepgs2004 said:
I would pray for him more every day. I would just keep my relationship the same to the catholic standards. I would not compel or force him in any manner. I would spend more time and listen to him more and offer his views to our Lord God.

Hope you find your happiness and peace in the midst of this struggle.

Please do not fail to submit all this in your prayers and seek the help of our God.

Best wishes.
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👍

This is really great advice. You of course will need to discern whether you wish to move forward with your relationship or not. Bear in mind that we, as Catholics, are allowed to marry non-Catholics. However, you are also within your right to choose not to marry someone based on the difference of beliefs. But what it comes down to, and this is the truth of it, is that he can’t convert for you. He can express interest to learn more about the Faith because he loves and respects you, but conversion must come when he concludes it is the one True Church leading to the one True God. Not just the church that makes you happy. My heart aches for your disappointment, because I know that is what you are feeling. But remember, he has not rejected God or even Catholicism for that matter. He is stating he needs some time to search on his own, which is probably quite wise of him. You don’t know where he is going to land in all of this. But you can pray for him diligently, never giving up hope for his welfare.

As a side note, my mother has always been a strong practicing Catholic whereas my father was not. In fact, he essentially left the Church when he was a teenager. They married in the Church to appease her (my mom), but he only attended Mass with us on Christmas and Easter–also just to please my mom. I remember him even challenging me a few times as I grew up. Once when I was preparing to make my first confession, he asked me “What is sin?” I gave him my basic understanding answer. He then asked me, “Why can’t you just ask God for forgiveness yourself?” And I remember explaining to him why we go to confession. Granted I was 8, but I held my own in the discussion. I also recall one time when I was a teenager, that he was upset I going for my hour of adoration even though we had a family party. He asked me, “Why can’t you just pray here?” And then finally, I’ll never forget the day when it came. I was in University, and I had lunch with him at the house. I was getting ready to go to my weekly confession and putting my purse together when he came up to me and said, “Honey, I’d like to come with you.” That was the day he returned to the Church. He now attends daily Mass, goes to Sunday Mass with my mom, practices Lent, reads his Bible… where I am going with this is, sometimes it takes a lifetime before one answers the call to God. We can bear witness to these people with our lives–maybe even with our whole life–and we never know how it is going to turn out.
 
nickybr38 said:
“of interest in becoming a confirmed Catholic for me.”

He shouldn’t convert FOR YOU in the first place. True conversion should be based on his own desire to become Catholic, not his desire to be with you.

You have some really hard decisions to make. I will say a prayer for you.
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This is an important distinction. Although I knew in my heart that I should convert to be in communion with my husband, it was a deep and long prayerful decision on my part before I even asked about starting RCIA. Even within the RCIA process, you yourself have to decide if you’re ready to move forward with first the rite of welcoming and then the rite of calling the candidates to continued conversion the RCIA director and my pastor have to decide I’m ready too. This is a BIG thing you’re doing if you’re converting. At first my husband would jump in and say he wasn’t making me do it and I had to ask him to stop saying that. No, he’s not MAKING me do it, but that’s not why I’m doing it. God has called me on this path. A path that I didn’t originally willingly come on. I never imagined I would be here, but here I am.
 
This is going to be an awkward question but when you use the terms “significant other” and “partner” do you mean the two of you are cohabiting? If so, that needs to be addressed as it’s not in line with Catholic teaching and is going to cloud your judgment.

If you have been having sex, your emotional ties are going to be stronger than they should be for unmarried people; this could cause you to cling to the hope of marrying this man even if the religious differences are potentially problematic. It sounds as if there needs to be a time-out as you both discern some things.

If I have made a wrong assumption about your situation please accept my apologies; it’s just that so many people live together before marrying and that has been proven to work against a healthy marriage later on. The religious difference problem and the (possible) cohabitation are going to intertwine to make it more difficult and complicated to sort things out and make a wise decision whether you two are right for one another.
 
nickybr38 said:
“of interest in becoming a confirmed Catholic for me.”

He shouldn’t convert FOR YOU in the first place. True conversion should be based on his own desire to become Catholic, not his desire to be with you.

You have some really hard decisions to make. I will say a prayer for you.
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+1
 
He is already Catholic… He just isn’t confirmed or has not received the sacrament of First Communion. Also, I should mention… He has not been doing it for me. I mis-spoke. It’s been completely for his own interest.
 
He took it upon himself to do attend mass and to participate as he was truly interested and intrigued in it for himself.

I could be wrong, but I think he could be becoming overwhelmed with everything he has learned thus far and the vast amount of ‘unknowns.’

I had several discussions with him to assure that he was not doing anything for me, but rather for himself. Upon doing so, he professed the truth that he was doing it for himself. That part of him wanted to be a part of the church again.

But now, something isn’t clicking and so he is wanting to back away. Which I understand. I’ve been there before!

(Also, we are not living together)
 
Be thankful that this came to light BEFORE you married him. This is who he is, and this is how it will be if you go forward and marry him. You wanted him to change for you, but he can only change for himself. It seems he has decided he does not want to practice the faith. LISTEN to what he is saying. You will have much heartache if you move foward pretending he will “come around” or ignoring what he is telling you.

You want a man of faith. You want a man to be a spiritual partner. He is not that man.

I am sorry you are going through this, but really his honesty with you is a gift. Many women wake up after they marry the man who is not who they want him to be.

Give him time to work through whatever his issue is. Encourage him to talk to the pastor. But be prepared to deal with the fact that he may not return to the practice of the faith.
 
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