Difficult DH

[verysad]

My son got married with a nice girl (I`ll call her Sally here), I didn´t know her much. (Usually relationships are mostly at the girlfriends place)

I asked my DL, to do some shopping for a small business (clothes). I needed it because I was in a bad situation and was trying to make some money. I asked my son if I could ask her to do that for me and my son said it was ok. Because of the way she acted I got the feeling that something was right, but couldn´t realize what it was.

One day my son and Sally came to my place and when I was in my bedroom,(at night) my son came to tell me “Mom, you didn`t say “please”, when you asked Sally for the shopping”. I found it completely ridiculous and got kind of mad, but I said ok, we will talk tomorrow.

Next day I sat them both to talk, I asked her if I didn´t say “please” (even I did it in a nice way) and I apologized for that, she explained madly that a “please” was needed because it was a nuisance to do the shopping. She madly said that I didn´t consider them a couple because once they brought a present for my grandson (daughter), I said “Look what (son´s name) brought for you, and I didn´t mentioned her. Accusation, that seems to out of proportion for the “fault of not mentioning her. I was a new mother in-law and I did the best I could.

The culprit of the complaining was that she was mad because I said one piece of the clothing was not sold. But some clothes I shop are never sold, and I never implied that it was her fault, or that she didn’t do things well.

I could see my son backing her in her anger and complains, it was like a nightmare for me, because my son and I have always had a very good relationship

Sally was also angry with my daughter, because she called her brother (my son), to thank him for a Xmas card and she didn´t thank her.

Sally also mentioned that she felt not appreciated in my small family. Daughter and I did our best, and it also counts that we usually not hear a word of her, except when she is with my son.

They took me out off base; a kind of “Pandora box” opened and it was a lot of bad stuff inside. I could see much insecurity, and anger and I felt scared of the feeling “This is not going to be a single event; it is a way to face life”.

I swallowed my anger, because of the importance of the relationship, but my dignity was deeply hurt and I got depressed for a long time. I felt hurt and emotionally battered by my DL and my son.
Unfortunately, Sally continues to assume hurtful things in the most insignificant comment.

I always feel uncomfortable with her. “Everything I say and do, could be used against me”.

My son loves her dearly, but gradually his visits less and spends less time with us, and I can figure why.

I have cried for my son as if he had died. I never thought a thing like this could ever happen
.
I know it is not in my power to change the way she processes things, but I feel very sad because can`t see in peace my son and grandkids, as much as I would like.

Gess when my grandsons get older, they might ask “Why we didn´t see grandma much?” and their reply might be “Because of issues, like she asked mom for a thing, and didn’t say the word “please”.

Does it sound fair to anyone? I feel devastated! Not sure if I`ll ever recover from this.

 

[ChibiViolet]

Your daughter-in-law might have a personaliy disorder or something…She’s very mellow dramatic…

 

[slotty]

As a recently married man I can empathize with your daughter-in-law.

It can be hard to feel like you’re unaccepted by your spouses family and even harder if you feel that your spouse will not defend you or stick up for you.

I would suspect she’s feeling a bit vulnerable in areas of life in her family and she may see you and your daughter as a threat.

Pray on it, be charitable and love your daughter in law as if she were your own daughter

 

[maltmom]

She sounds insecure and needs more recognition from you that she is a part of the family. Walking on eggshells around her isn’t going to help. Maybe you could take her to lunch and tell her that you love her and that you want to start over. Hopefully, she will be receptive to putting the past in the past. From now on try to always include her when you are referring to gifts, cards, anything that someone else would use both of their names when talking about them.

I will pray for you and your family.

 

[admonsta]

Hi Verysad,

I am a daughter in law, and have a lot of trouble with my mother in law. I thought things would be very good when we married, but there is a lot of bad feeling between me and MIL. Some of that is my fault and some is hers. The rest is the misunderstanding or the difference in culture between us. I have been with my husband for 17 years and it is still very difficult. This is what I have learned:

• MIL will always be my husband’s mother, and I can’t change that. It is wrong of me to expect him to cut her off or be disrespectful to her.
• I am my husband’s wife. We are one. It is wrong of my MIL to talk badly about me to my husband, or to expect him to take her side over mine.
• It is right that he support me and defend me, unless I’m being ridiculous. But, even if I’m being unreasonable, it is wrong for him to openly take MIL’s side in public. He needs to support me, and speak about it in private if I’m behaving badly.
• It is absolutely wrong for me to withhold contact from MIL, unless she does something unacceptable to the kids (this has never happened, and it doesn’t include small things like too many sweets). Children have a right to their grandparents and any issues I have are between me and her.
• Sometimes offences are not real, but they are perceived because of the strained relationship that exists.
• Sometimes I don’t consider what I am doing to be upsetting to someone else, I justify my own behaviour but condemn another person’s.

May I suggest to you that you be very careful in how you interact with your daughter in law, never give her reason to be angry at you. Never tell her that she is hard work, or that she is unreasonable (it won’t help). Keep contact minimal for a while, and gradually increase it as you both are comfortable. Don’t expect that she understands or agrees to anything, always check (don’t tell her you are checking because she is hard work). Treat her equally with your children so she has no complaint. Don’t expect your son to be on your side - he has to live with her, not you.

And pray for her. Offer to God all the annoying, frustrating things she does to you, for her salvation.

 

[Qwestions]

And isn’t it ironic that all the jokes and stories are about mother-in-laws, not daughter-in-laws?! I certainly sympathize with your situation, verysad. My son was married more than thirteen years ago and I have a similar story. I rarely say anything back. My daughter-in-law is very clever; she only attacks when my son is out of the house or the car. She has turned her back on me, not spoken to me for hours at a time, and left the room so many times that I couldn’t begin to count them.

I, too, am devastated, but I’ve never said a word to him in all these years. I refuse to let her push me into alienating my son, and complaining about her ill treatment of me would only push him away from me.

She is most pleasant, though, when I spend $300 or more on a gift, or give her a check for $500. Once, after receiving some money that I decided to share with them, I gave each of them a check for $2,500. My son put his on a land purchase and told me excitedly what he’d done and his future plans for the land the next time I visited them. I was naturally enthusiastic for him. In my delight in his joy, I turned to her, and asked if she, too, had bought something, or if she was keeping it stashed away for a future purchase. She raised her chin, turned away, and said, “Since it was a gift to ME, I consider it only my business what I do with it,” and away she marched, into another room. That, unfortunately, was one of my more pleasant moments in her presence.

I don’t know if it will help you, or not, but I pray and try to stay busy doing something in order to keep my mind off the situation. As I looked forward to my son’s birth 48 years ago, I prayed that he would live his life in such a way as to share eternal life in Heaven. I prayed that he: would be healthy; would find a life’s work that would bring him satisfaction and enough cash to live without needing or too much wanting; would find someone he loved more than his next breath and that she, too, would love him in the same way; would be a good husband, a good father, a good citizen, and an exemplary child of God through all those aspects of his life.

Because his wife can’t have children, that seems to be the only area in which my hopes for him will not be realized. God will determine, of course, how exemplary his life has been, but all in all, he’s a good man, so I’m a lucky woman. Although his wife has no time nor consideration for me, I’m thrilled that she seems to care as much about him as he cares about her, because she makes his world go around and he would be devastated without her. I can bear my own devastation far better than I could bear his. They appear to be very devoted to each other and I’m grateful for that.

I usually only talk to him every one or two weeks, but sometimes we’ll talk on each of several days in a row. Since they live about one hundred miles away, he meets me here in town one or two times a year; she used to come with him every time, but rarely does these past couple of years. I visit them three to four times a year, when invited. I meet them late on Christmas Day, and visit one or two days, but I spend the rest of the holidays alone because they always visit her parents.

Without question, these are bleak years for me and the exact opposite of what I dreamt of as a teenager and when my son was young. Somehow I got through the years until now, so somehow I’ll get through the years that remain, but the end can’t come too soon for me. Wishing isn’t going to change anything. So far, praying hasn’t changed her treatment of me, but it has made me better able to endure what she dishes out.

Good luck to you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Kindness]

I know I state the obvious but each of our “family of origin” is it’s own internal culture. When two people marry they are bringing two different cultures together and there can be culture shock and many misunderstandings. I think because the nature of women is that we are very focused on relationships and feelings with often pick up on subtle behavior and can sometimes misinterpret it. A man’s mother and his wife are usually the two women in his life that have the most intense and intimate relationship with him, there can be many ways that roles and boundaries have to be renegotiated when a man marries, this can result in difficulties for all those involved.

I have great sympathy for verysad in her problems with her DIL. On the other hand we are not hearing her DIL’s side of the story. I think it is uncharitable to assume such things are her having a personality disorder.

 

[Debora123]

OP, I would suck up to your daughter in law as much as possible. Go out of your way to be extra extra extra nice to her in any way you can.

Perhaps it is not “fair” that you have to do all this just to get her to like you and come around more, but you gotta do what you gotta do if you want to be close to your son and your grandkids.