Difficult marriage

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Alan_74

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Hi, I have been married for four years. I am 39 years and my wife is ten years younger. We have a three year old son. Both my wife and I are work but my work involves lots of travel.

Over the last two years our marriage has become turbulent. We disagreed about three things, Money, children and Sex. I wish we argued about these but my wife would simply switch off and refuse to discuss whenever we disagreed. towards the end of last year it got worse. She would become agitated and cynical whenever I tried to get us to discuss our disagreements. She would also withhold intimacy from me for weeks.

In December Christmas eve, I again tried to create a conversation with her but she was cold towards me. when I told her how that made me feel she exploded with insults towards me. My son was in the room and started to cry. to comfort I held him and requested my wife to stop… She then became violent hitting my back several times. As I was holding our son I could not defend or deflect the attack. After a while she stopped and started crying. I tried to comfort her and to apologies for anything I could have said that was offending but she would not let me. She started screaming I leave the house. After a while she calmed down and drove away for an hour. She apologized on her return.

Since then its not been the same. She shows no affection for me and rarely wants to be intimate. She does not even hug or kiss me. I have tried to be helpful at home. I spend time with our son after work, bath and feed him. I make my own food and even hers if she want to eat. She spends most of her evening watching TV.

As I could not bare the humiliation of being denied intimacy and affection I decided to move to another room. Its more bearable as I do not have to fight any urge that I had to sleeping next to my wife.

However I have been experiencing strong temptations to cheat on her. It almost feels good when speaking to other women they tell me how lucky my wife is to have me.

I want to be faithful and not offend our Lord but how do I do it when the rejection from my wife makes me desire affection from other women?
 
First of all pray whenever you get tempted to cheat. It is hard not to think of how much greener the grass is on the other side. Secondly, go talk to a therapist. She does not have to go with you. A therapist can give you coping skills and possible strategies to get her to open up to you. It also seems quite possible that your wife has some mental health issues that can be addressed with proper therapy and medication. If you feel your son is in danger, please remove him from the situation. If that means y’all separate while she gets help, then I think you should do it. In the meantime, can you seek work that requires less travel?

My prayers go out to you!
 
I am sorry about your marriage and one should never tolerate abuse whether it is yelling and hitting from their spouse. The best thing for you is to seek out help. Now if your wife will not go with you, get help for yourself. Check with your insurance or call the parish you attend and ask for a recommendation. If she hit you, that is abuse. Usually when we think of abuse, people envision the husband abusing the wife but there is the reverse here. You and your family will be in my prayers.
 
That was always my marriage, except for the apoligize, so I know how you feel. Having said that I must also say that I was not a “good” husband. I could have done more, but I was so young then, and the truth is that nothing would have done any good. Our marriage was doomed before we said “I do”.

I think, and I am sorry to say this, that you two need some time apart from each other. And it is far from sure that it will help. Maybe you could talk to a priest, but what can he really say? It is obvius that your wife does not love you, or, she may have some mental problems, or something with her hormones. One thing is clear though, nothing will change as long as you can’t talk. Evereybody always give the old advice, “talk with your priest”, but as said, he can not help you. This has nothing to do with religion, and in a way it has all to do with it. You are both young, and you think that if you divorce, well, goodby sex-life or a new marriage. So if you dont’ feel it like that, your wife maybe will, she think that she is trapped and don’t know how to get out of it. So talking to a priest is among the last things you should do. I hope I could give you a good advice, but I can’t. Go and see a shrink, alone first, and don’t let your wife know you do so, and see what he/she say. You are in my prayers.
 
I have no advice, but I am praying for you and your family. May the Holy Spirit bless and assist you, and guide you and yours always toward a life of peace and love.
 
Alan,

So sorry to hear of your situation.

Infidelity on your part would be sinful and would only make matters worse. Avoid the temptation by avoiding situations that provide the opportunity for the flames of passion to be fanned, so to speak.
 
There are a lot of things that could be attempted. I don’t know how many you already have. Well, you could try marriage counseling. Catholic Social Services has some from a Catholic slant, which is preferable, if you could swing it. If not, other counselors can also do it, or especially if you know someone who is very good at it, that’s even more helpful.

Plus, I heard about retrovaille, which is for couples experiencing difficulties. I haven’t actually personally even known anybody who’s tried it, but it sounds like it’d be worth at least a shot.

As to counseling, even if you offer to go to marriage counseling, and she refuses, I think it’d benefit you to go to individual counseling.

I found a book called “The 4 Love Languages” which is helpful. I think it’d take more to resolve whatever it is that is going on, but it also couldn’t hurt to also try that.
 
The first thing any good counselor will try to stop is physical, or verbal, abuse.
 
ClearWater said:
The first thing any good counselor will try to stop is physical, or verbal, abuse.
Click to expand...
Well yes, Op should do the following and this would be recommended by any counselor, therapist or hot lines. Tell his wife that no matter how frustrated she is, hitting will not be tolerated, if arguing again escalates to that point, Op will pick up his son and immediately leave. He will have to make arrangements to go somewhere. This is what any abuse centers will tell him to do. The more dramatic would be to call the police which i would assume be much more traumatic to all involved.
 
TxDeeDee1028 said:
First of all pray whenever you get tempted to cheat. It is hard not to think of how much greener the grass is on the other side. Secondly, go talk to a therapist. She does not have to go with you. A therapist can give you coping skills and possible strategies to get her to open up to you. It also seems quite possible that your wife has some mental health issues that can be addressed with proper therapy and medication. If you feel your son is in danger, please remove him from the situation. If that means y’all separate while she gets help, then I think you should do it. In the meantime, can you seek work that requires less travel?

My prayers go out to you!
Click to expand...
I will definitely talk to a therapist to learn how to cope. Just posting this here at CAF and reading your response makes me realize I do not have to suffer in silence. Please pray for me. Today I kept thinking of the people praying for me and it made me smile and happy.
 
Alan_74 said:
Hi, I have been married for four years. I am 39 years and my wife is ten years younger. We have a three year old son. Both my wife and I are work but my work involves lots of travel.

Over the last two years our marriage has become turbulent. We disagreed about three things, Money, children and Sex. I wish we argued about these but my wife would simply switch off and refuse to discuss whenever we disagreed. towards the end of last year it got worse. She would become agitated and cynical whenever I tried to get us to discuss our disagreements. She would also withhold intimacy from me for weeks.

In December Christmas eve, I again tried to create a conversation with her but she was cold towards me. when I told her how that made me feel she exploded with insults towards me. My son was in the room and started to cry. to comfort I held him and requested my wife to stop… She then became violent hitting my back several times. As I was holding our son I could not defend or deflect the attack. After a while she stopped and started crying. I tried to comfort her and to apologies for anything I could have said that was offending but she would not let me. She started screaming I leave the house. After a while she calmed down and drove away for an hour. She apologized on her return.

Since then its not been the same. She shows no affection for me and rarely wants to be intimate. She does not even hug or kiss me. I have tried to be helpful at home. I spend time with our son after work, bath and feed him. I make my own food and even hers if she want to eat. She spends most of her evening watching TV.

As I could not bare the humiliation of being denied intimacy and affection I decided to move to another room. Its more bearable as I do not have to fight any urge that I had to sleeping next to my wife.

However I have been experiencing strong temptations to cheat on her. It almost feels good when speaking to other women they tell me how lucky my wife is to have me.

I want to be faithful and not offend our Lord but how do I do it when the rejection from my wife makes me desire affection from other women?
Click to expand...
what specifically are your disagreements about money and children? I’d like to have a deeper insight if you don’t mind.
 
robwar said:
I am sorry about your marriage and one should never tolerate abuse whether it is yelling and hitting from their spouse. The best thing for you is to seek out help. Now if your wife will not go with you, get help for yourself. Check with your insurance or call the parish you attend and ask for a recommendation. If she hit you, that is abuse. Usually when we think of abuse, people envision the husband abusing the wife but there is the reverse here. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your prayers, they are the best gift you can give. Its so hard to think of that the love of my life is an abuser. I keep thinking its not her…she will change back to the loving girl I married…I know by doing this I am enabling her bad habit. Thanks
 
Alan_74 said:
Thank you for your prayers, they are the best gift you can give. Its so hard to think of that the love of my life is an abuser. I keep thinking its not her…she will change back to the loving girl I married…I know by doing this I am enabling her bad habit. Thanks
Click to expand...
One day, when you are not around, it could be your son being abused. Have a talk with your son and ask him if mommy ever hits him. She could be abusing him too.
 
Serap said:
what specifically are your disagreements about money and children? I’d like to have a deeper insight if you don’t mind.
Click to expand...
Openness to life according to the Catholic church teaching. Although we had agreed on this before we got married, a week into our marriage she said she was not prepared to have children. Our son was not planned for and she was depressed when she learnt she was pregnant. after our son was born she vowed never to get pregnant again and even contemplated tubal ligation.

We had also agreed to raise our children as devote Catholics. When our son reached the pre-school age she was determined to take him to a protestant kindergarten. She had even booked and paid but providence did not allow that to happen. Our son lost his place in that school as he got hospitalized and ill just a day before opening. He is now in a very good catholic school.

We had also talked about money, joint account, transparency and accountability in using money, savings mortgage. All these are no go zone in our discussions. She does not like the idea of having a budget or keeping savings for a rainy day.

She is the love of my life and I am ready to do anything not to loose her
 
ClearWater said:
There are a lot of things that could be attempted. I don’t know how many you already have. Well, you could try marriage counseling. Catholic Social Services has some from a Catholic slant, which is preferable, if you could swing it. If not, other counselors can also do it, or especially if you know someone who is very good at it, that’s even more helpful.

Plus, I heard about retrovaille, which is for couples experiencing difficulties. I haven’t actually personally even known anybody who’s tried it, but it sounds like it’d be worth at least a shot.

As to counseling, even if you offer to go to marriage counseling, and she refuses, I think it’d benefit you to go to individual counseling.

I found a book called “The 4 Love Languages” which is helpful. I think it’d take more to resolve whatever it is that is going on, but it also couldn’t hurt to also try that.
Click to expand...
Thank you. She refused the idea of counseling. She said she does not see any problem with our marriage. I will see a therapist on my own…It will help me to to cope and als how to handle her.
 
Lasting_faith said:
That was always my marriage, except for the apoligize, so I know how you feel. Having said that I must also say that I was not a “good” husband. I could have done more, but I was so young then, and the truth is that nothing would have done any good. Our marriage was doomed before we said “I do”.

I think, and I am sorry to say this, that you two need some time apart from each other. And it is far from sure that it will help. Maybe you could talk to a priest, but what can he really say? It is obvius that your wife does not love you, or, she may have some mental problems, or something with her hormones. One thing is clear though, nothing will change as long as you can’t talk. Evereybody always give the old advice, “talk with your priest”, but as said, he can not help you. This has nothing to do with religion, and in a way it has all to do with it. You are both young, and you think that if you divorce, well, goodby sex-life or a new marriage. So if you dont’ feel it like that, your wife maybe will, she think that she is trapped and don’t know how to get out of it. So talking to a priest is among the last things you should do. I hope I could give you a good advice, but I can’t. Go and see a shrink, alone first, and don’t let your wife know you do so, and see what he/she say. You are in my prayers.
Click to expand...
I have spoken to my parish priest about this. I am so grateful for he assured me of his prayers. He also helped my see the supernatural side of suffering…but its still hard and I am human
 
Beryllos said:
I have no advice, but I am praying for you and your family. May the Holy Spirit bless and assist you, and guide you and yours always toward a life of peace and love.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much!!! I am counting on your prayers. I will say the prayer to the Holy spirit
 
Sounds like she has checked out. Is she a good mother?

I smell mental health issues.
 
Serap said:
Sounds like she has checked out. Is she a good mother?

I smell mental health issues.
Click to expand...
I want to think she is. She does everything a good mother would do and shows love and affection to our son.
However our son prefers to be with me always. but I think its coz I play boys games with him and travel a lot.
 
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