Difficult mom

[Yogi89]

Recently my mom has been stressing me out a lot! I am not close with my mom, and never have been but I do love her and I still live at home even though I am older. It’s part of our culture for girls especially to live at home until they are married, although some single girls do live alone, but my family is old school and traditional. Anyway, I don’t want to get too into my dating life, but basically I just have a hard time liking guys, as well as other things that I look for. And lately I haven’t been going out much because my friends rarely want to go out to social type places, one of them does but she started working a second job. I still like the last guy i dated, and was hoping we could get back together but I ruined things initially when we talked so that won’t happen. But, this guy I went on a date with who was in med school at the time recently contacted me and has been texting me A lot, and asked to go out this Sunday. He’s a good catch, but i know it wouldn’t work out because even though he is Catholic his ethnicity is very different than mine, and my family is strict about that and I also would prefer someone close to my ethnicity.

My problem with my mom now is that my younger cousin is about to get engaged and even though my mom has pressured me about getting married before, this time will be worse. She keeps telling me about her friend who has this guy to hook me up with, but I don’t like her hooking me up and she’s done in the past. So, I told her I was talking to someone so she could leave me alone. Technically I am talking to that guy, but I know it won’t go anywhere so I was kind of lying to her and I felt bad but my mom really truly stresses me out veryyy much! To the point where I am miserable. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday this girl my friend works with at her second job mentioned to her to hook me up with her guy friend who’s single. The girl didn’t tell me but my friend told me about it, but she told me she liked him and (she did mention it to me the other day) but she also said she likes their other guy friend. She doesn’t really know them either. It’s a small world but I actually met this guy awhile ago at a party and he approached me, but nothing ever happened. But I do remember clicking with him and he was good looking. So, I would be open to dating him but my friend was annoyed by it bc she likes the guy, and she was planning something to say to that girl so that she could hook her up with him instead. My friends are not very helpful to me and I cant really talk to them about this so I really have no support at all. As much as my mom stresses me out, I myself want to get married. That’s what makes this so hard, because I’m already stressed about it so my mom stressing me out sooooo much more is really hard on me. On top of it, my mom is always on the phone with my older sister who’s married and always complaining to her about either my brother’s issues, or whatever else. When I’m sitting in a room (and my house is pretty big) I can still hear her and I get so annoyed that i turn on the fan in the bathroom so I don’t have to hear her. She is just always so negative I don’t like listening to her or talking to her much. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me if you can, for me to somehow meet my future spouse. Thank you!

 

[Anglewannabe]

Just curious but where do you live? Do you live in a country where a single woman can not get her own appartment? Or do you live in a place like the states and simply try to follow a different culture and live at home? And how old are you?

The reason I ask is because if you are in the states or Canada, I would strongly suggest getting your own appartment if you are old enough. Sure it is more expensive, but your mom is the lady of the house so chances are, as long as you live under her roof, this is the treatment you will get.

Secondly all this talk about friends introducing you and then getting jealous because they actually liked the guy themselves well… It might be good for tv ratings for shows like the Bachelor, but in real life, it sounds juvenile.

I would work on developing independance from your parents and then a pray life with God. Once things are in order in your life, you will be in a better position to consider marriage

Angie

 

[Yogi89]

Just curious but where do you live? Do you live in a country where a single woman can not get her own appartment? Or do you live in a place like the states and simply try to follow a different culture and live at home? And how old are you?

The reason I ask is because if you are in the states or Canada, I would strongly suggest getting your own appartment if you are old enough. Sure it is more expensive, but your mom is the lady of the house so chances are, as long as you live under her roof, this is the treatment you will get.

Secondly all this talk about friends introducing you and then getting jealous because they actually liked the guy themselves well… It might be good for tv ratings for shows like the Bachelor, but in real life, it sounds juvenile.

I would work on developing independance from your parents and then a pray life with God. Once things are in order in your life, you will be in a better position to consider marriage

Angie

I live in the states. And if I could live on my own I would! My family is strict as I have said, and it is not common with my race/ethnicity for girls to live on their own until married. Some do but it’s not common and those families are not traditional. My family is. Maybe if I was in my 40s that be different I don’t know. But right now that’s not an option, and even if I was to do that my mom would stress me out even more about the subject on getting married.

 

[ClearWater]

Praying for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, I read most of your thread, but started getting lost in the details of who likes who and who talks to who, but I will say this:

Only you can change the dynamics of your life. If you are old enough to be working, perhaps you should consider moving out and living on your own even if in your culture it is not usually done. Your relationship with your mom is not going to improve if you stay there. So try something different, and begin to create your own future, not keep living in your parents shadow. You still have not said how old you are, except that you are older. That sounds old enough to be a responsible adult. It may even create a better relationship with your mom.

If you are unwilling to do anything differently, then there is nothing anyone can offer you that will help. You will live at home. You will listen to your mother asking when you are getting married, you will have to find someone from your ethnicity.

At some point, something has to give.

 

[egretps]

I suggest you get the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud. Also, please consider talking to a counselor, maybe one at Catholic Charities. I did that as a young woman struggling with family/work/life. They used a sliding scale, and although it wasn’t ‘free’ it was affordable.

It sounds like your mom may be a ‘nervous’ type and overly worried. Not an unloving mom. You are very fortunate. She might benefit from counseling, but she might not appreciate you suggesting it. Hold your mother up in prayer, have a mass said at the parish as a way to honor her. I don’t normally suggest it, but in this case give her the mass card and maybe a rose. Every mass said for a person while they are alive is much more valuable than after they pass on. Every parent, mom or dad, could use the extra prayers and they could really benefit from the Grace of a Mass.

Understand, even with all the prayers, she might not change. But you probably will, for the better.

Don’t get too attached to ‘this is the way it is’. “Girls in my culture live at home until we are married.” Because you might be looking to get married for an escape. That is not a good reason to get married. You might not think that is your motivation, but too many women have done this. Your future husband deserves a better motivation.

Yogi89 you and your mom are in my prayers. God Bless you!