Difficult situation regarding intimacy

[CarrieH]

I don’t want to derail the thread here but I think this situation seems unlikely, unless the man is impotent.

Actually, there is an active thread about this right now on CAF: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=206010 Those of you suffering from either extreme have my prayers and sympathy. :hug1:

 

[samovila]

I guess I see two issues here: (1) The way he asks for it and (2)the frequency. I have a problem when my husband turns to me and says “Ok, let’s do it.” haha I’ve had to explain that I don’t work that way, that I can’t just “turn it on,” so to speak. On occasion he still tries asking that way and my response is usually something like, “Get me in the mood, honey.” And usually he is more than willing to try and quite successful at it. Or I’ll say, “Give me 5-10 minutes to get in the mood.” And that usually works for us.

I don’t know if I understood your email completely, but when I read about your husband asking 4 or 5 times day I had to laugh because if your husband is anything like mine, if he is “in the mood” and isn’t “getting any,” then OF COURSE he’s going to ask 4 or 5 times a day or even more until his desire to be with you is fulfilled. My husband wants to have sex more than I naturally do and to resolve that difference, I’ve made it a point to do what I need to do to be ready for him at the end of the day. I’ll take time to think about him in a sexy way throughout the day and make sure we don’t wait till it’s too late in the evening and I’m too exhausted to do it. This doesn’t work all the time, but definitely since I’ve made a conscious effort, we’ve had a more satisfying intimate experience for both of us.

 

[whatevergirl]

ME!! Trying to get intimate for the second time in a week once got me the question “What ARE you, a nymphomaniac?” Even as newlyweds I got refused more often than I can count. Weeks and weeks have gone by as I cried myself to sleep.

Awww–that breaks my heart Phemie.

 

[SilenceISgolden]

Saw this a while back thought it had some good points.

At the Divine Level, Marriage and Sexuality is a Sacred gift from our Lord, one of many things that separate us from the other mammals on the planet. This is a truth, no matter what the morons say in the commercial media. The Church made Holy Matrimony a Sacrament continuing to make Marriage a Sacred gift from God. Human Sexuality is also part of that sacred gift from God, as a major part of Marriage. I often ask myself, “Is the day to day sacrifices, work and even sexual relationship” “something I have to do” or is it “something I get to do” as part of this Blessed Marriage.

At the human level, marriage is a man and a women coming together to give of themselves. When one spouse consistently and repeatedly chooses not to give of themselves, that is the person who owns the unraveling and destruction of the marriage. That is the person were the apologies should start from.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go to work to earn a living, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tired, I am to stressed or some other reason.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and take you out to get something to eat on Fri. or Sat. night, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

You always see women with husbands in tow, shopping in the ladies or children’s stores/Dept’s. Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go shopping with you, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

The list could go on forever. A man, husband, father gets up every day without complaining, about sleep, ailments or their feeeeeeeeelings and does things almost automatically. Not sure If you want to be single and sexless or not just another view. If you want to be married then make that a priority and maybe, don’t just give your marriage the left over time from the day.

Uhhhh…I think you are being a little presumptuous! No, not every man follows his wife around the mall, not every man goes to work without complaining or talking about their feelings. Just as every woman doesn’t EXPECT her husband to do these things or complain about cramps or a headache.

Give the woman a break…she said 4-5 times A DAY not per week. Sex is great, don’t think I’m saying it isn’t but part of the purpose is UNITIVE and if you are doing it out of obligation because you should NEVER turn him down, that is wrong.

Kristi - if you have a conversation with your husband about it and you can’t come to resolution than you should ask your husband to accompany you to some counseling. Sometimes a third party may help ‘translate’ what you are saying and what he is HEARING. You want to make sure he knows you love him and desire him. Sorry for your troubles.

 

[mschrank]

I think your husband has to learn how to ask. Asking isn’t verbal.

He’s probably just kinda insecure or something, maybe that’s why he asks like that (crude). Just tell him that you don’t want him to ask you like that but be romantic and sensual instead.

 

[redpepper]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I feel lots better. And, if it was just the 2 month hiatus, I wouldn’t be upset but its not, its all the time. And pornography did used to be the problem but he has stopped that (thank goodness!) I do talk to him and he says he understands and I told him that if he didn’t flat out ask for it every day it wouldn’t be so bad. Thanks again and keep us in your prayers!

Kristy, I admire your patience in such difficult situation. I do not think that your husband’s behaviour is normal. It sounds to me that the sin of pronography your husband struggled before has taken a different form of addiction which is damaging your marriage. I would recommend some sort of counceling as soon as possible.

 

[FLCathMom]

Angel, how old is your dh? I ask because we married young, dh was 22 and he was exactly like that in the beginning, pretty much until he got into his thirties. It may be normal for him if he is young. Talk to him about how you would like to be approached, and tell him that you would like to try waiting a couple of days so that you can work up the desire to approach him. It would probably be a good time to talk about it right after (when he is in a really good mood .)

 

[ODGarza]

ME!! Trying to get intimate for the second time in a week once got me the question “What ARE you, a nymphomaniac?” Even as newlyweds I got refused more often than I can count. Weeks and weeks have gone by as I cried myself to sleep.

Phemie,

While your husband’s response is quite thoughtless, perhap’s there are some underlying fear(s) which are causing less marital intimacy…# of children, problem(s) at work, finances, sex drive/hormonal issues are just a few that come to mind.

I would think that in the majority of instances if a husband is the one with decreased intimacy levels there are probably some fear(s) which the husband is not sharing with the spouse.

 

[Phemie]

Awww–that breaks my heart Phemie.

Well, over many years I’ve just learned to live with it. Each time I was rejected I’d vow not to make the first move again, but then after 2 or 3 weeks I’d forget my vow to myself and turn to him only to have the same thing happen again. OTOH, I never refused him, figuring that if he was in the mood ‘now’ I had better take what I could get because no telling how long it would be before that happened again.

I was one of those women who never understood the joke about putting a quarter in a jar every time you had sex in the first year you were married and then seeing how long it took to spend it if you took out $1 each time you had sex in subsequent years.

 

[Phemie]

Phemie,

While your husband’s response is quite thoughtless, perhap’s there are some underlying fear(s) which are causing less marital intimacy…# of children, problem(s) at work, finances, sex drive/hormonal issues are just a few that come to mind.

I would think that in the majority of instances if a husband is the one with decreased intimacy levels there are probably some fear(s) which the husband is not sharing with the spouse.

At this stage of our marriage it’s a moot point since he’s been impotent from diabetes for the last several years. He became impotent because, even knowing that this was a distinct possibility, he refused to look after himself and follow his diet.

 

[AngelRose81]

You mention that he is always asking you, but do you ever ask him? Assuming the answer is no, do you think that if you initiated intimacy that maybe he could go a day without having marital relations?

Yes, I do ask sometimes but its still the same way with him. Always asking.

 

[AngelRose81]

Saw this a while back thought it had some good points.

At the Divine Level, Marriage and Sexuality is a Sacred gift from our Lord, one of many things that separate us from the other mammals on the planet. This is a truth, no matter what the morons say in the commercial media. The Church made Holy Matrimony a Sacrament continuing to make Marriage a Sacred gift from God. Human Sexuality is also part of that sacred gift from God, as a major part of Marriage. I often ask myself, “Is the day to day sacrifices, work and even sexual relationship” “something I have to do” or is it “something I get to do” as part of this Blessed Marriage.

At the human level, marriage is a man and a women coming together to give of themselves. When one spouse consistently and repeatedly chooses not to give of themselves, that is the person who owns the unraveling and destruction of the marriage. That is the person were the apologies should start from.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go to work to earn a living, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tired, I am to stressed or some other reason.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and take you out to get something to eat on Fri. or Sat. night, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

You always see women with husbands in tow, shopping in the ladies or children’s stores/Dept’s. Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go shopping with you, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

The list could go on forever. A man, husband, father gets up every day without complaining, about sleep, ailments or their feeeeeeeeelings and does things almost automatically. Not sure If you want to be single and sexless or not just another view. If you want to be married then make that a priority and maybe, don’t just give your marriage the left over time from the day.

I do see your point here but rarely do I say like “oh, not tonight, I have a headache, cramps, etc.” And when I do say that it honestly is true (I have chronic migranes and I have a very VERY messed up female system and sometimes it physically hurts to have sex but sometimes I give in anyway).

IMO, I don’t think I “just give my marriage the left over time from the day”. DH and I actually work in the same law firm and frequently go to lunch together, which is nice. Also we have our time together Wednesday’s which is kind of our “date night” per se where we go out for sushi and then go to Bible study together at our parish. My marriage is my top priority right under God, in my opinion. And there are also times that my husband complains as well about when I ask things like “can you take out the trash” or “do you mind helping out in the house today”. Rarely do I complain/make excuses about when he wants to have sex. Yes there are times when I am absolutley exhausted and I just want to have prayer time and go to bed. He’s the same way too sometimes. My main thing is the fact that he ASKS me to have sex several times a day, EVERY DAY.

 

[kage_ar]

My main thing is the fact that he ASKS me to have sex several times a day, EVERY DAY.

When would he expect you to have time to work or sleep?

 

[AngelRose81]

When would he expect you to have time to work or sleep?

Maybe I need to clarify a bit…when he asks me several times a day, its not necessarily that he wants to that many times but that he’s asking things like “Can we have sex tonight?” or “Do you think maybe we could tonight?” several times a day everyday.

 

[Gaurdian]

I do see your point here but rarely do I say like “oh, not tonight, I have a headache, cramps, etc.” And when I do say that it honestly is true (I have chronic migranes and I have a very VERY messed up female system and sometimes it physically hurts to have sex but sometimes I give in anyway).

IMO, I don’t think I “just give my marriage the left over time from the day”. DH and I actually work in the same law firm and frequently go to lunch together, which is nice. Also we have our time together Wednesday’s which is kind of our “date night” per se where we go out for sushi and then go to Bible study together at our parish. My marriage is my top priority right under God, in my opinion. And there are also times that my husband complains as well about when I ask things like “can you take out the trash” or “do you mind helping out in the house today”. Rarely do I complain/make excuses about when he wants to have sex. Yes there are times when I am absolutely exhausted and I just want to have prayer time and go to bed. He’s the same way too sometimes. My main thing is the fact that he ASKS me to have sex several times a day, EVERY DAY.

Wow, sounds like you are well ahead of most couples. With physical discomfort and migraines that is a whole topic to it self. Assuming he is NOT bluffing here. What Garza said, should help quite a bit, If you guys go through the Christopher West Books or Theology of the Body, Pope John Paul II, that should help put things in perspective for everyone.

Whatevergirl’s comment about “two now, being one flesh” should resonate with him as well. If their is a way, maybe make multiple dates in a week. The high sex drive is pretty normal for guys in their 20’s.

 

[dulcissima]

Maybe I need to clarify a bit…when he asks me several times a day, its not necessarily that he wants to that many times but that he’s asking things like “Can we have sex tonight?” or “Do you think maybe we could tonight?” several times a day everyday.

Oh, OK. I was confused. I thought he was expecting relations that many times a day.

I agree then with the poster who said he needs to learn how to ask…and that it shouldn’t always be done with words.

 

[Phemie]

Oh, OK. I was confused. I thought he was expecting relations that many times a day.

I agree then with the poster who said he needs to learn how to ask…and that it shouldn’t always be done with words.

Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but this is a horse of a different colour.

Are you using NFP? It’s possible he’s just trying to confirm that sex will be possible. Of course asking 'Can we have sex tonight?" is not quite as conducive to sex as a foot rub or a back rub at bedtime.

 

[CuriousInIL]

Maybe I need to clarify a bit…when he asks me several times a day, its not necessarily that he wants to that many times but that he’s asking things like “Can we have sex tonight?” or “Do you think maybe we could tonight?” several times a day everyday.

Does that level of asking continue when you say yes? In other words, if the first time in a day he asks and you day yes and carry through on that, is he still asking 2 or 3 or 4 more times that day? Does it start again the next day?

 

[AngelRose81]

Does that level of asking continue when you say yes? In other words, if the first time in a day he asks and you day yes and carry through on that, is he still asking 2 or 3 or 4 more times that day? Does it start again the next day?

Yes it does. And yes he does continue asking the next day.

And to answer another question, yes we do use NFP

 

[kage_ar]

Yes it does. And yes he does continue asking the next day.

And to answer another question, yes we do use NFP

Is DH involved in your charting? If not, perhaps if he became involved it would eliminate some of the questioning?