Difficult situation regarding intimacy

[teme]

I’m a man, but hopefully my perspective will help.

Please do not answer this directly, but think about how often you do engage in relations. What percentage of those times do you initiate?

I do not enjoy asking my wife, but at some times do probably more often than she or I would like. I find myself verbally asking my wife, partly because of a desire for some good lovin’, but mostly because I want to feel desired. If she’s not pursuing relations with me, and I’m feeling generally lonely/unappreciated, knowing I’m wanted helps alleviate those feelings. Perhaps that’s the case with your husband? It may be he asks you several times a day, and would ask once every few days if you asked him, or just initiated in the morning or another unexpected time. While there are ways to make a man feel appreciated, intimate, etc without sex, sex surely sends a clear message!

It would though be good to speak with him, a priest or counselor. It may be that he is looking for intimacy with you, and doesn’t know this can also come from communication, back rubs, or other non-sexual touching that isn’t shared with just anyone. Or, he might need to know that his asking only makes you less interested (which is tough to learn, and must regularly be re-learned).

 

[MHalsey]

Yes it does. And yes he does continue asking the next day.

And to answer another question, yes we do use NFP

Another man’s perspective here. It sounds to me that he doesn’t clearly understand how NFP works. My DW and I discuss her cycle almost daily. But it’s not a question of, "can we have sex tonight?. It’s more of, “where are you in your cycle?” My suggestion would be to discuss with him the signs and what they mean.

As for those who think a man’s sex drive diminishes as he gets older, I don’t buy it. 13 years and 5 kids later, I’m still crazy about my wife. I credit NFP for that, but both husband and wife need to understand it clearly.

Then again I could be completely wrong and he does understand NFP. In which case he’s just crazy about you. Consider yourself lucky to have a man like that. At least he wants you and not someone else.

 

[FLCathMom]

As for those who think a man’s sex drive diminishes as he gets older, I don’t buy it. 13 years and 5 kids later, I’m still crazy about my wife.

I was thinking about this, and I think, with my dh, at least, it’s not his drive diminishing, but the fact that we are now constantly surrounded by little ears (nosey little ears!), and so now he is more subtle about it.

 

[TC2]

Angel, have you sat down and talked with him about it?
Not just to say that it bothers or irritates you, but to really try to find out what’s behind it? His feelings, insecurities, needs?
Maybe, with work and children and life, he’s feeling left out and lonely/deprived. Not saying that he is, but he may feel this way.
Or maybe just need more of your attention.

What does he say about it, will he discuss it with you at all?
Again, prayers for you both.

 

[istaru2001]

ME!! Trying to get intimate for the second time in a week once got me the question “What ARE you, a nymphomaniac?” Even as newlyweds I got refused more often than I can count. Weeks and weeks have gone by as I cried myself to sleep.

I have had the same problem with my husband. :console: I’m 46 and he is 15 years older than me. We have been married for 12 years and he has never had much of a sex drive. In fact we have only been intimate twice in the past two and a half years. I used to cry, but then I got over it and found other things to do with my time (hobbies-knitting, reading). Now I’m going through menopause and my sex drive isn’t driving me crazy any more. We are still the best of friends and I wouldn’t ever trade this man for any other.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, over many years I’ve just learned to live with it. Each time I was rejected I’d vow not to make the first move again, but then after 2 or 3 weeks I’d forget my vow to myself and turn to him only to have the same thing happen again. OTOH, I never refused him, figuring that if he was in the mood ‘now’ I had better take what I could get because no telling how long it would be before that happened again.

I was one of those women who never understood the joke about putting a quarter in a jar every time you had sex in the first year you were married and then seeing how long it took to spend it if you took out $1 each time you had sex in subsequent years.

Phemie;

This is very sad. Your posts keep beckoning me back. Is there any way your husband will discuss this with you? Does he know how deeply hurt you are over this? I think for both spouses, constant rejection can create a lot of pain, emotionally. My husband was always the one who typically asked more, but now with NFP, we have to do things a bit differently. You’re in my prayers Phemie.

 

[AngelRose81]

Thanks for all your responses, guys. I feel much better. DH and I have sat down and talked about things. He seems to be a bit more understanding, now. Well…at least for the time being. Hopefully it will stick. Thanks again so much!!

 

[Phemie]

I have had the same problem with my husband. :console: I’m 46 and he is 15 years older than me. We have been married for 12 years and he has never had much of a sex drive. In fact we have only been intimate twice in the past two and a half years. I used to cry, but then I got over it and found other things to do with my time (hobbies-knitting, reading). Now I’m going through menopause and my sex drive isn’t driving me crazy any more. We are still the best of friends and I wouldn’t ever trade this man for any other.

I was 22 & he was 26 when we got married. Problems started in this department within the first couple of months and they never got much better but they got much when he got into his 40s. Now that we’re both in our 50s, well… Heck, I’d be happy to spend time kissing like we did when we were dating but he doesn’t have any interest in that either.

I too love my husband and could never see myself married to anyone else. And yes, I’ve learned to sublimate.

 

[Phemie]

Phemie;

This is very sad. Your posts keep beckoning me back. Is there any way your husband will discuss this with you? Does he know how deeply hurt you are over this? I think for both spouses, constant rejection can create a lot of pain, emotionally. My husband was always the one who typically asked more, but now with NFP, we have to do things a bit differently. You’re in my prayers Phemie.

Thank you for your thoughts and your prayers. At this point in our lives it would accomplish nothing. As I’ve said in another post, he’s now impotent as a result of not taking care of his diabetes (not the original cause of the problem) so talking about it would just serve to cause pain.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for your thoughts and your prayers. At this point in our lives it would accomplish nothing. As I’ve said in another post, he’s now impotent as a result of not taking care of his diabetes (not the original cause of the problem) so talking about it would just serve to cause pain.

Oh, I see. I’m sorry, I might have missed that last post. Well, you’re in my thoughts, Phemie. I’ll keep praying for you and your hubby. God bless you both!